2010 "CLUNKER" SCRIPT LAUNCH

Launching into 2010, I figured it's time to finally unleash the campaign for my "CLUNKER" movie script. Here's what it entails --

*Script -- 110 pages of rom-com funniness that might bring a tear to your eye, or so I hope!
*Inktip -- a listing on inktip.com, which I'm not so enthusiastic about right now, but it's worth a shot for the price.
*Video -- which depicts the opening scene and my mission -- to get "CLUNKER" recognized through every alternative method possible.
*Facebook -- a "fan" page for the script / movie, complete with videos, graphics, my fake posters for the film, a "Discussions" tab where fans can cast their favorite actors for roles in the film, and a chance for FANS to win a three-night trip to Mexico if the screenplay is ever produced.
*Movieset -- yep, we're on Movieset.com, too!
*Networking -- with actors and other industry types, which is going surprisingly well.

It's all worth a shot, and doing more for my screenplay than it would sitting in a dark drawer. Check out the vid for a laugh!





If you enjoyed that, PLEASE become a Facebook FAN on this page, you just have to click at the top of the page, and it makes you eligible for the FREE TRIP TO MEXICO!

IF you want a copy of the script for your own reading pleasure, just go to Facebook, sign up as a FAN, and then also FAN on Movieset (links below), contact me at BrianBurkeB@gmail.com and I will send you your very own copy! It's that easy!

Thanks all, wishing you and yours the best in 2010!---Brian Burke
CLICK HERE FOR OUR "CLUNKER" FB page! WE NEED YOU AS A FAN!!!
CLICK HERE FOR OUR "MOVIESET" PAGE!

READY FOR LAUNCH

Before I fully unleash my guerilla marketing campaign for my script, there are a few things I would like to explain, for myself, and for anyone in doubt.

I recently posted on the fact that screenwriters need to brand themselves, it's unfortunate, but good writing alone doesn't cut it. Of course, the brand itself will not sell a script, but it does make you memorable should your black and white copy get into the hands of "someone important". This is a fast moving business where someone is all too quickly forgotten.

Screenwriters seem to get obsessed with the thought that someone is going to steal their idea. It's almost a form of self-flattery to think that our idea is so great that people will be going to such great lengths and risk to steal it. The fact is that cases involving copyright infringement are usually that of professionals stealing on their level, not delving into the unkown resources of spec script writers. If you want to steal, you take the risk by stealing from someone sucsessful, you knock off the biggest bank, not the small, unkown, town bank with no security guards and little money.

Reading a recent article of how screenwriters "made it", one common factor was apparent -- a person was met, by chance, and months or years later there was another chance meeting with the same, and this evolved into a solid contact with someone else. What does this mean? In my book, "be seen twice", and it doesn't even have to be in person. Get noticed, twice, in whatever way possible, and then cultivate that. For me, the campaign I am executing relies on that factor -- branding and visibility.

My screenplay is accessible online, and I have no fear of anyone stealing it (see the reasons above). I'm not putting it on "triggerstreet.com" or "simplyscripts.com" because that's not my target audience -- hobby readers and writers, at least for the moment. It is available on two "reputable" sites of the profession. Currently, it's hard enough to get someone to read your logline or synopsis, let alone the whole script.

Query letters are sad, a lot end up in the can, the response is very slow, and when you do get the greenlight to send in a script it gets in the hands of an all too commonly untrusted reader. I think there are lots of "good" readers out there, but what may satisfy the reader is not always what satisfies a prodco and vice-versa. It's time for change.

Still, it seems the best shot at getting noticed is being branded and by winning a reputable screenwriting competition. A sure way to waste your time and money is by entering the majority of unreputable screenwriting competitions that make a profit off of the entries. There are six or less very reputable contests.

Blogs -- are good to have, especially for branding and visibility. It's one of the ways to showcase your voice and discipline. But, all too many of these electronic diaries spewing with filth and bad attitudes are a dead giveaway that the author is not someone that professionals would want to work with in the industry. It's proven that you have to be a professional -- punctual, concise, diplomatic, and trustworthy, to make it in this industry.

I welcome your thoughts.

ONE IN FIFTY-THOUSAND CHANCE

Hi screenwriters and fans thereof, let's talk about something -- the screenplay lotto. Yep, it's a lotto. Unconfirmed sources say that nearly fifty-thousand screenplays were sent to Hollywood last year. That would be 1000 for every state, figuring many come in from other countries, the estimates are not odd. Quite frankly, they suck!

And, being in or around the trade, you know that half of what is passed around or sent out is not in proper format or structure and maybe should not have been written in the first place. So, generously, let's cut our figure down -- our odds are 1 in 25,000 now. So chances are we can sell a screenplay before we will ever get hit by lightning or win the lotto. Good odds, eh? I know, not really.

We could start a blog, right? Well, yes, and no. Maybe there's a "one in how many" shot to get known through this. It is, however, a good place to practice writing, network so maybe you'll have a friend who can offer crash space when you get to L.A.?

There's guerilla tactics -- the naked cowboy screenwriter, maybe B.A.S.E. jumping with your script in hand, in front of news media... and the police. No thanks, I value my life, and lack of police record.

A novel, that's it! For some reason screenwriters don't write novels from their scripts, very rare. And weird, figuring self-publishing is basically free online now. I mean, if you have a great story, wouldn't you try every way possibly to convey it, including putting it into a novel?

Don't let it get you down. Pull up your script and re-read it for fun, damn you did good! Remember writing that line? Remember when a friend chuckled when you said you could write a screenplay? How about that "FADE OUT" at the end, now that was a moment you'll never forget!

You've got your script. You should frame the title, keep a copy on your desk, tag it in your posts, maybe spray-paint the title on a boxcar (umm, please reference that thing about the police first!).

Sure, send queries, do your blog thing, tell your friends, but most of all, never lose your love for your script, keep that sucker close to your heart. It's something you made, nobody can ever take it away and mess it up... unless you're "signed", and that's a good problem to have!

FADE OUT

THE SOUND OF SILENCE

Psst! You hear that? No? Listen closely... you hear it, right? It's called "silence", screenwriters get very familiar with it. We usually crave it, especially when we're writing, or in a thought, it can be our best friend. Many of us seek it out, venturing to the basement, backyard, a shady hotel down the road -- anywhere we can get the peace and quiet to start tapping out "INT." and "EXT." in black fonts over white pages.

Then it turns into our worst enemy.

The last sound we hear is the "thud" of query letters dropping into the black hole of a mailbox. From that moment on, silence is no longer our friend. We check the mail everyday, keep looking at our cell phone, have friends call us back to see if it's working, email ourselves -- we're trying to watch a pot come to boil, and as we watch, it never will.

We can't avoid the madness.

In between, we delve into the next script, rewrite, or blog post like this, keeping one eye on the mail truck as it pulls up and stuffs the box with junk mail, bills, and anything else except a response from Hollywood.

The silent killer -- silence.

INKTIP EXPERIENCE

Yesterday I took $60 and uploaded the script, logline, synopsis and a bio for six months on INKTIP.COM. For the price and length of exposure, I figure it's better than paying an entry fee for a writing contest or two where the odds are just the same.

Inktip now requires a hand-signed contract so I printed theirs and faxed it back. They were quick to approve everything, after my upload it was stamped "pending review" and that went just as quick.

Before I knew it, names of production companies were appearing in my "viewed by" section. But wait a minute, there's a catch -- this doesn't mean they READ your logline, it means that it appeared on a page when they did a search. The same goes for the synopsis, it was "made available", but you don't know if they read it. As for the script, IF there's a download, yes, that is logged, you know it.

Okay, fine, good and dandy, it's just exciting knowing the title appeared anywhere besides my laptop. And it's a lotto, come on, that's half the fun, anticipating hitting it big.

Inktip claims to do "background checks" on the production companies that are subscribers, and when you look at the list there are some big names, like every entity of "FOX". Very cool. Whenever a name appears on the list you naturally hit the Google and IMDB, I did. Within hours I had four names to research.

One prodco puts out a film every few years, had a respectable IMDB listing. One was definitely a brand new company. Another quite rocked, on an international level. And then appeared --

L.A. Feature Film Academy

Hmm. I googled to find it's a film school. They're looking for screenwriters to teach the craft, so maybe that is why they have access? It didn't take long before I was reading very negative posts about this "academy", from their lack of professionalism to their exorbitant class costs and how graduates felt they had been cheated.

For the moment, I'll hold off on contacting inktip to ask about this company and why they are allowed to troll the site. BUT, dare I get one offer, one email, snail-mail brochure about a film school, and I'm going off. I didn't pay $60 to give up my contact for a dubious fake school.

Other than that, my inktip experience is what I expected, so I would endorse it.

EXPERIENCE VS SKILL

If you had to choose one as a screenwriter, which would it be? If you had to write a CSI script, would you rather be a writer that had never been on a crime scene but has research at hand, or a cop with twenty years of experience in smelling blood and covering up body parts with white sheets?

There's a lot to be said for both sides of that, without the knowledge of proper structure and a good story vast descriptions of crime scenes just become another version of "COPS", might as well just take the camera along, who needs a script?

And, staring at the black and white with plot in mind doesn't really give us the sense of what blood smells like on the crime scene, and if there's a way to put that smell into words it would be in our best interest to try to convey it.

Actors are known for their research, even more than writers, who probably do more of it, but we'd rather hear about Russell Crowe in a fight training camp learning moves for "Gladiator" than the writer who studied the romans to put this all in proper technical context.

There's a balance out there, and I believe everyone can use their life experience in their script.

In the end, it's up to us to decide what we write about.

WINGMAN

A bit shaken here, because someone didn't know what a "wingman" is, in the 21st century dating sense. I mean, I think it gets pretty common usage on T.V. and film, I've heard it a lot of times, what better way to decribe the relationship?

Therein lies my prob, because this is going on a "one-page", a synopis, and every word counts, the space runs out real quick. I can't really think of a term in one word that serves me better than wingman.

On the other hand, maybe people are sick of the term anyway, perhaps it's been overused?

Nope.

"MILF" gets old, "cougar" is making the rounds but still not fully accepted and is evolving into "puma". "Tool", has been recently challenged: although made of metal, dumber than a bucket of sand, or a rock, a tool, such as a wrench, is a very useful item, and that's not the intent of labeling someone as such.

Dating buddy? Nah... how about "partner in crime"? Kind of, but, no..."partner"? Nooo, "partner" when speaking of two males has a totally different meaning nowadays, which is good, and why we use "wingman".

Long live the wingman!

ACTION!

I just took a journey through the unexplained, or moreso, explained for the first time. Nobody explained it, maybe I'm still trying to figure it out --

Action - Description lines.

Sure, I was describing the action, no prob there, and in the least amount of words possible, as advised by the pro-readers. The problem is, that is choppy, clinical -- there's nothing artistic or creative about it at all. I was moving my mannequins around the room.

Crack open a produced script and you'll see some awfully strange yet interesting action lines, such as:

He exhaled, as if to say "you bet your ass."

What? That's allowed?

Apparently so, and better than the way I put it:

He exhaled.

CHARACTER
You bet your ass.

There's the mannequin in me, I guess.

What ensued was a total rewrite of overthinking the game, I started using adverbs and other things I hadn't introduced before. Didn't help.

A mentor suggested "just write your story", actually two of them said that. Well, I've done that, and it is a very strong structure and plot, all the other things I hear writers battling with came out really good for me.

Except action lines, I guess, like now --

He types away - quick to finish.
He's typing as fast as he can.
He's typing his post, but thinking about breakfast.

Something like that.

FADE OUT

ON A BUDGET

Everyone's on a budget nowadays, if you're not, then you must be either one of these executives with outrageous bonuses that we heard about last year, or you are completely budget-less because you're broke. In the latter case, you're probably reading this from a computer at your local library. Turn around, see all the people in line, behind you? I'll try to make it snappy so they can get on.

If you've been keeping up with the few blogs that post stats on which spec scripts sold recently, you'll notice that most of them are comedies. We've been informed that spec scripts might be a dying breed, they are risky for production companies, much more risky than securing an Apatow script that is full of "poop" jokes that will damn sure turn a profit, and in the end, is also a comedy, so it's low budget in the production sense.

So it would seem to be in our best interest, as scribes, to focus on comedy if we want to sell our gem, our baby, our first spec script. But, if you look at the entries and wins in screenwriting competitions, the ranks are filled with dramas and thrillers.

It's all quite confusing because placing in a screenwriting competition is one of the best ways to get recognized, but if that script is a sci-fi thriller it's unlikely it will be produced, at least for now, seemingly defeating the purpose.

I'm sticking to somewhat low budget romantic comedy, comedy, and "coming of age" stuff for the time being. If you look at what's been produced in this realm lately it is all very budget conscious: The Ugly Truth, The Goods, All About Steve, The Invention of Lying... it doesn't cost a fortune to produce films set in offices, in cars, on streets... it can be done in a back lot of LA.

What's redundant in my efforts is that writing comedy is probably not going to win me a placement in a well-recognized screenwriting competition. For some reason, it's not as respected, not as "interesting", or "hard to write" as a sci-fi thriller with a mega-budget, one which will never be produced in this day and age.

An alternative might be writing a sci-fi comedy, something like "Spaceballs", but that's been done. Or maybe a thriller laced with funny one-liners, early James Bond was filled with that. I'm not sure, but for the competitions I just might have to change the scene headings from:

INT. HOTEL LOBBY - DAY

to

INT. SPACESHIP LANDING PORT - ?

and then switch out those headers when I send it in as a spec script.

Wish me luck.

NAME THAT TUNE

In one of the many great columns by appointed mentor TERRI ROSSIO, he compares lyrics in music to action description and dialogue in a good script. As he points out, in a screenplay, not everything has to rhyme, in fact, it shouldn't, unless you are writing the sequel to "MAMMA MIA".

By the way, the aforementioned brought in over 600 million bucks worldwide- incredible!

In doing so, Rossio uses several excerpts from songs by THE EAGLES to connect with California and the art, or sometimes dismal duty, of screenwriting.

"There she stood in the doorway- I heard the mission bell. I was thinking to myself... this could be heaven or this could be hell"

Eagles, "Hotel California", slightly edited, 1970-something, lol.

Good stuff, eh? I was thrilled to find it, and for all I know this is practiced in the first week of every "Screenwriting 101" course of every community college across the nation, but I don't care, it's FUN!

So, I'll cobble my own lyric-script excerpt for you to decipher, but it won't be as easy to figure out. Lyrics from one song will be included, but not always in succession. Words and names may be changed to protect the innocent. We reserve the right to, blah, blah, you know the story.

Here we go:

FADE IN

INT. WILLIAMS KITCHEN - DAY

It's a humid, southern summer day. Gloria sweats over the stove in her apron, Billy Bob in his wife-beater. He sits on a rickety barstool, picks his gapped teeth with a matchstick.

BILLY BOB
(snarly)
We've got some straightenin' out to do.

GLORIA
(defensive)
This has nothing to do with you!

BILLY BOB
(pissed)
You and your so-called career, thinkin' you can move off to Hollywood and write movies! All this shit about "peace and serenity", the internets, I don't know what's got into you!

Gloria dives a ladle deep into the boiling peas, wishing it was a knife into Billy Bob's chest. She THWACKS a pile onto a plate, shoves it in his face.

GLORIA
(defiant)
I've got to get a move on with my life.

BILLY BOB
(takes the plate)
Guess fairytales don't always have a happy endin'.

Gloria goes to the window, it's getting late, dark outside.

GLORIA
Billy Bob, it's time for me to be a big girl now.

FADE OUT

Do you know the song? And how about the artist, there's clues in them there lines!

Post your answer, thoughts, lyrics... and have a good weekend!

TAKING DIRECTIONS

Everyone knows the, what now has become cliche, sort of inside joke about men refusing to ask for directions while driving, especially if there is a female in the vehicle.

It doesn't matter if the car is running on fumes and we've seen the same exit and convenience store sign for the umpteenth time, it's doubtful that we'll give in and stop at the 7-11 to ask for directions.

People, or more specifically women, tend to believe what seems to be the obvious: that by asking for directions out of BFE, we will be forced to swallow our pride, a symbolical way of throwing in the towel, giving up, losing, biting the big one.

Guess what? It's not that at all. The problem is interpreting instructions. We're dying to stop and ask for directions, believe me, but we know that 99.9% of the time, the person standing behind that counter isn't qualified to give such advice. When we come out of there and get back into the vehicle we won't have any better ideas than before.

And therein lies the problem: it looks like we can't understand directions, that we fail to communicate. How couldn't we understand what was just parlayed? How dare we question the advice of a local cashier or gas station attendant? Aren't we capable of being told what to do and then following through?

No, and it's embarrassing, and completely not our fault.

Here's why:

INT. SEVEN-ELEVEN - DAY

Brian walks out of the "middle of nowhere" through the door, passing the black and white sticker on the frame. It marks the height of perps for the store security cam.

BRIAN (V.O.)
Geez that always gives me the chills!

A GOOD OLD BOY is behind the counter, conversing with GOOD BUDDY, who just purchased gas.

GOOD OLD BOY
(frustrated)
A twelve point buck, and she won't let me hang it over the bed!

GOOD BUDDY
(irritating laugh)
Hee, hee.. hee hee hee..

Brian goes to display rack, feigns as if he is looking for a bag of chips.

MOMENTS LATER:
Good Buddy exits, Good Old Boy watches Brian.

GOOD OLD BOY
Sir? Can I help you find something?

Brian turns, approaches the counter.

BRIAN
(hoping)
Yes actually, I was wondering if you could tell me how to get to Atlanta from here.

GOOD OLD BOY
(delighted to share)
Oh, sure thing: pull out here and take a right at the intersection, not the first, but the one after, that will put you on sixty-two.

BRIAN
(unsure)
Okay, a right.

GOOD OLD BOY
Follow that until you get to Quagmire, you'll see the courthouse there, then take a left on ninety-five.

Brian nods, as if he is following this.

GOOD OLD BOY
(speaking quickly now)
Off ninety-five, go to forty-two, or Bellows Creek Road, same name, then up to sixty-five, if you miss that there's an exit two miles up, at eighteen, but that's taking the backroads. Got it?

BRIAN
(lost in space)
I think so, thank you very much!

Brian walks out of the store, hides on the side of the building, smokes a cig, shakes his head.

He spies a billboard: "Atlanta Outlet Mall", reads the bottom : "twenty miles ahead".

BRIAN
(to himself)
Worth a shot.

INT. VAN - DAY
Brian gets in, turns the ignition.

LOVELY WIFE
All set?

BRIAN
Yep. Say, want to check out an outlet mall along the way?

LOVELY WIFE
(intrigued)
Hmm, always could do some shopping!

FADE OUT

SCRIPT QUESTION / ANSWER

Okay, into the second script and I have a few looming questions. So far I've written an outline, successfully pitched the story to my Lovely Wife, and have completed about eighty pages of what will (hopefully) be a one-hundred-twenty page script.

I'm using "CINERGY", by the way. Scoff if you will, but it works, and it's free! I can (hopefully) easily paste everything into "FINAL DRAFT" when completed, or I've got my work cut out. Owning Final Draft doesn't make you a screenwriter in my opinion, so before I shell out for it I will have to complete scripts, vindicating the cost.

It's a rom-com with two plots: attaining a love interest and a job, both of equal importance. I follow the ACT 1, 2a, 2b, 3 method that Terry Rossio describes in his Wordplayer columns. If you haven't read those I'd advise it, whether you're new to this profession or not.

At page thirty, end of Act One, I have the main character getting the job offer and securing the interest of his lovely future mate.

On page sixty, the all important "Two A to Two B" transition, he wins the job and the heart of little Miss Thing.

By page ninety, Act Three, I plan for him be a phenomenal success at his job, which he turns around and quits and moves away, because love interest loses her interest because he lied to her. Interesting?

And for the grand finale: they will cross paths and hook up again, or not.

For the above, what I'm wondering, is:
*How's the timing look?
*Any ideas / suggestions?

Now, for the technical, scripting stuff:

*Parentheticals: to, or not to. Quite honestly, what's the difference or harm in-

--------------------
MATILDA
(laughs)
You're an idiot!

VS

Matilda starts to laugh.

MATILDA
You're an idiot!
--------------------

The difference to me are a few needed lines, so I support the former, not the latter. Is this bad?

Also, I'm starting to think that leaving out parentheticals is a good idea for a spec script, but maybe not such a good idea for a screenwriting competition entry. Over-directing VS describing the scene, can actors, directors, and writers as well as their judges ever agree on anything? Opinions?

On dialogue cut in half by action descriptions, I'm leaving out the Character name and "cont.d" when they continue talking, saves "hella" space. But I want to do the right (write) thing, so tell me if you think differently.

Last but not least, I'm still deciding between a spiral bound script or using brads, and I still have to find an artist for the cover art.

Gotcha!!! Hehe, I may be new around here but I'm pretty up on things, lol.

SO, if you have an opinion, idea, criticism, rant, rave, philosophy, please post it!

NEWS FLASH

News flash: not really, what that means is I have about five inches of crabgrass covering one and a half acres, and I'm hoping the riding mower doesn't have a flat this time. I also have a list of chores, must attend "grocery shopping night", and then have to get up early to take Caesar the Dog on a charity benefit dogwalk with the Lovely Wife.

Fridays aren't much for scripting. This will auto upload on Saturday.

However, if you notice the box on the right, I've written seventy-seven pages of a new script in less than a week, all quality stuff. Yes, it's possible. And, there has already been some rewriting and polishing going on. My only problem is that this one will turn out to be about one-hundred-fifty pages, so I know I have to go back and do some chopping, cut a scene or two. Good problem to have.

I'd share some of the script but my mentors advise against it; in fact, some scribes openly state that they have no problem stealing ideas. I guess they need to, have fun with that if you're creatively inept and inclined to do so.

In "What Else Happened This Week?", I put Maus the Cat back on wet food, Caesar the Dog tore our bedspread again, and our neighbor has been surreptitiously moving out. Was it something we said?

Wishing you all a good weekend---Brian

AIR DUEL! PART II

EXT. 10,000 FEET ABOVE - DAY

We see the white dot of a plane, Brian, and the black dot of a Bi-plane, the Villain, going distant, in a straight line. The geometric surface of the ground looks like a Tetris game.

INT. CROP DUSTER - DAY

Brian's hand sticks the closed laptop into the canvas bag between the seats. He pulls out a Blackberry with a cracked screen, presses the contact for Lovely Wife.

INT. BI-PLANE - DAY

The Villain, Von Umkraut, works the stick to stay in level flight. The altimeter needle dances at the two-thousand feet mark.

EXT. CROP DUSTER - DAY

We are stationary as the White Cessna buzzes towards us from the left, as it does, we barely get a glimpse of Brian on his Blackberry.

INT. CROP DUSTER - DAY

Our POV is the passenger seat, Brian holds the phone to his ear. A RING, and then a VOICE on the other end, it's Lovely Wife.

LOVELY WIFE
(filtered)
Hey Hon, how's it going?

BRIAN
Good! Say, you know we were talking about finding a way to move?

LOVELY WIFE
(questioning)
Yes?

BRIAN
Well..oh, can you hold a sec, I need to turn around.

LOVELY WIFE
Sure.

Brian sets the phone on his lap, pulls back sharp on the steering column, sending the plane upwards,, tilting our view of the cockpit to forty-five degrees. Short into it, we hear the CLICKING of the rudder pedals, the powered down ENGINE, his fancy footwork.

EXT. CROP DUSTER - DAY

The plane climbs towards us, the cockpit stops just short of our POV, engine almost in a stall, does a perfect one-eighty rotation, giving us a tail view, as we hear the engine ACCELERATE, the plane taking off, slightly downward, then level, in perspective.

INT. CROP DUSTER - DAY

Back to passenger POV, this time he is facing the other direction.

BRIAN
(pumps fist)
Perfect Immelman!!

In his joy over the well-executed maneuver, Brian forgets he was on the phone. He focuses on flying. His phone RINGS.

BRIAN
(mad at himself)
Sorry!

LOVELY WIFE
(polite)
No problem! What were you saying about moving?

BRIAN
(recalls)
Oh yeah, I entered a game of chicken with Count Umkraut, whoever pulls out first must leave South Carolina, should I go for it?

LOVELY WIFE
Hmm, I don't know, I'm still waiting to see what is up with Monster,com, Bernanke said the recession is over, but I don't think people are hiring yet.

EXT. 10,000 FEET ABOVE

The black and white dots move towards each other on a collision course.

BRIAN (O.S.)
Okay, that's cool, I'll just scare the crap out of him!

They laugh together.

LOVELY WIFE (O.S.)
Okay, just be careful up there.

BRIAN (O.S.)
I will Hon, gotta fly, thanks, bye!

We zoom at the same rate the planes are closing in, allowing us to make out their shapes with each passing second.

EXT. BI-PLANE - DAY

We are alongside the villainous Count Umkraut Von Crabgrass, he has his head pointed down but is looking forward, as if that would aerodynamically help his junky, battered plane.

VON CRABGRASS
I got you now, boy! I drink your milkshake!

INT. CROP DUSTER - DAY
We see the Bi-plane sputtering toward us, level, same altitude.

BRIAN (O.S.)
(determined)
Okay, think of something good here, Bri.

The Bi-plane is less than thirty yards away.

Brian throws the flaps, pulls straight back on the controls as hard as possible, the engine whines keeping the plane in the vertical, a brake-stop, blue sky fills the cockpit glass.

INT. BI-PLANE - DAY

Mere feet from a crash into the belly of the Cessna, Von Crabgrass thrusts the joystick straight down in a dive, we pass under the tail of the Cessna, inches from our head.

A spray SQUIRTS out of the Cessna tail, our lens blurred with the gelatin-like goo.

VON CRABGRASS (O.S.)
Aarrghhhhhh!

We can make out his gloved hand as he tries to free each finger, webbed in the gunk.

EXT. SKY - DAY

SLOW MOTION:

A side view of what just happened: the Cessna goes vertical, the Bi-plane enters the frame, dives down below the Cessna tail, then the money shot of goo, straight into our villains cockpit.

END SLOW MOTION

We're stationary as the black Bi-plane spirals downward, eventually disappears, the engine sound fades out. It's silent, seconds later we see a tiny puff on the ground, as if Wile E. Coyote fell into the canyon. We hear a distant BOOM.

EXT. CROP DUSTER - DAY

The Cessna does a fly by.

BRIAN (O.S.)
"Round Up" mixed with Jello, good stuff!

The Cessna flies off into the sun, silhouetted.

FADE OUT

Note: This was a writing exercise for an action film. The technical aspects, concerning POV's and angles, become really apparent in this type of script, it would be easy to leave something out. It's a balancing act of the action description and the famed "over-directing" the scribe is often accused of.

AIR DUEL!

INT. CROP DUSTER - DAY

Our POV (point of view) is from behind the controls of a CESSNA airplane, in the blue sky, high above the contrasting green vegetation and red-clay spotted earth of South Carolina.

The engine HUMS in a syncopated chorus, the PILOT'S HANDS pull slightly back and to to the left on the steering column.

A left hand comes up, sliding back the window, sending a rush of air into the cockpit.

EXT. CROP DUSTER - DAY

We are stationary in the air, as the white Cessna crop duster approaches at the same height, in a curving angle.

As it nears, the frame rate becomes slower, allowing us to see details, "OCEAN'S ELEVEN" style. We notice the prop, can make out a figure, then his goggles, and finally the frame freezes on--

BRIAN, head half out of the cockpit, red locks blowing from under his traditional cap and goggles, a long cigarette in his mouth.

TITLE OVER:

BRIAN BURKE: CRABGRASS ASSASSIN

The frame rate goes to real time, with the cigarette flying out of his mouth, sucked out by the turbulence.

BRIAN (O.S.)
Dammit!

REMOVE TITLE

Our POV is stationary, behind the plane, as it shrinks towards the horizon.

EXT. OLD BARN - DAY

We see the dilapidated structure, gaps between its weathered, wood planked doors. The doors WHINE as they slide open, revealing a--

BLACK BI-PLANE-- matte, dented, covered with silver duct-tape.

A shadowy figure--

COUNT UMKRAUT VON CRABGRASS-- climbs into the cockpit.

The engine FIRES as the Bi-plane lurches forward, spewing smoke.

INT. CROP DUSTER - DAY
View out the window at two-thousand feet, we can make out roads, rooftops, and other features. There seems to be no sign of activity. A hand slides the window shut.

BRIAN (O.S.)
(to himself)
Nothing today, might as well work on the screenwriting blog!

We see a green canvas bag between the seats, a hand reaches down, sliding out an aged Dell laptop.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. CROP DUSTER - DAY

We are parallel to the plane, mere feet away, and have a view of Brian typing on the laptop, working on the blog. As we zoom out, it is apparent that the plane is fixed in a slight curve, widely circling the skies.

SUDDENLY--

EXT. 10,000 FEET ABOVE - DAY

From our view, we see the:

VILLAIN'S BI-PLANE, a small, black dot, tailing the white Cessna, like a predator waiting to snap an innocent white dove. The two specs go round in circle, Brian oblivious to the situation.

INT. CROP DUSTER - DAY

From the passenger seat we see Brian, typing. He lights a cigarette, slides back his window, which evacuates the smoke.

Unnoticed, we see the Bi-plane's prop, then wing, and finally cockpit, pulling slowly aside. Von Crabgrass is dressed in a black trench, cap and goggles, long yellow-green scarf flowing in the wind. He has a black handlebar moustache, looks like DANIEL DAY LEWIS.

VON CRABGRASS
(loudly, continuous)
Burke!!

Brian jumps back in his seat, startled, his head darts to the villain.

CLOSE ON:

VON CRABGRASS
I've come to settle our differences, how 'bout you and I handle this in a manly way?

INTERCUT, CONTINUOUS:

BRIAN
(cynically)
Consider yourself a man, Umkraut?

VON CRABGRASS
As much as you.

BRIAN
You're ruining everyone's grass, you thug.

VON CRABGRASS
That's what I do, it's how we roll.

BRIAN
Not much longer.

VON CRABGRASS
Then you'll take me up on a fair duel?

BRIAN
What do you call fair, VC?

VON CRABGRASS
A game of chicken, at two-thousand feet, first to pull out loses, and leaves South Carolina forever.

BRIAN
You're on!

INT. CROP DUSTER - DAY

We see Brian bank sharply to the right, as the black Bi-plane sinks out of view.

EXT. SKY - DAY

Level with both planes and fixed, we see them distancing in a straight line, like the curtains of a stage.

TITLE OVER:

TO BE CONTINUED

SECOND SCRIPT!!

Yes, that little box on the right is not in error: I've started a second script! I needed to, my first script is nearing completion, lately there's been a lot of rewriting and polishing on it and I need to check all the connections, but it's pretty much done.

So yesterday, Sunday, I needed to get a fresh breath of air into things. There's a place that I've been wanting to write about, but that alone doesn't make a film. As I mentioned before, I love shows like "RICK STEVE'S EUROPE" on PBS, but I'm not out to make a travel guide or show, I want to sell a spec script. I don't think someone is going to produce my script because it has breathtaking, scenic views and little or no content.

By the way, Rick's site is titled "Europe Through the Back Door". If there's been any lingering concepts concerning his orientation, this title doesn't help!!

The first, and hardest step, was figuring out the genre. Action was an easy choice, you can make an action film set just about anywhere, any country or place, underwater, in the sky. I have great respect for a scribe who can sell an action script, it's not as easy as one would think. Back in the 1970's you could do a big chase scene with muscle cars bounding hills, but there has to be more to it nowadays in order to sell such a script.

I noticed the NICHOLL AWARDS seem to love screenplays involving terrorists. I worry about them enough in real life, I'm not going to let the terrorists ruin my screenwriting experience.

It could be a drama, but I'm not in the mood for a downer. Lovely Wife watched "THE SECRET LIFE OF BEES" yesterday while I worked on the logline for the new script. I passed on the show, looked like it was heading down a trail of sad, and it did.

I started writing down ideas of things that could happen in the setting, imagining I was there, the feeling. Then it started talking to me: yes, my story started appearing in my eyes and I had the synopsis down and was cutting it up to acts in no time.

Then I took it to my Lovely Wife to see if it would check out. She had a few good questions, which gave me some more answers; the whole story was looking strong within an hour of inception and I already ran it through my "focus audience".

Sitting at my script editor, I took a stab at writing chronologically, typing:

INT. LYONS HOME - NIGHT

We see Steve..

and stared at that for about twenty minutes, what a waste of time. Writing in order is overrated, in my opinion. How can I build character on the first page if I don't know how this guy acts in page ten or twenty? It's like a baby, all you can do is sit there and wait for the kid to grow up and hope it does neat things in life. Talk to the kid thirty or fifty or seventy years later and then you've got an interesting story. Works for me.

So I jumped ahead about ten to twenty pages and knocked out six pages in a scene, it just flowed. Giving myself a sixty day limit on scripts, this one should be done by Thanksgiving. I've got a nearly completed screenplay, and a freshly born script...

with no sight of terrorists in the plot, just yet.

ITALIAN RUSH HOUR, PT. V

EXT. POMPEII NECROPOLIS - DAY

Brian moves down the hill, using tombs for cover. He takes a trail, walks up a ramp, then enters the:

INT. VILLA OF MYSTERIES - DAY

It's cool and dimly lit, with beautifully restored black and red frescoes of large figures. A FEMALE TOURIST takes pictures of the walls using a bright flash.

BRIAN
(out loud)
Lovely Wife?

FEMALE TOURIST
--??

BRIAN
(to tourist)
Oh, sorry, I'm calling out for my wife and I don't use her real name in my scripts, that's her character name.

FEMALE TOURIST
That's sweet.

LOVELY WIFE
(whispers loud)
Brian!

BRIAN
Where are you?

Lovely Wife pokes her head out around the corner.

LOVELY WIFE
All clear?

Brian walks up to her, they embrace, share a quick kiss.

BRIAN
We lost them for now. The guards are somehow involved in counterfeiting. We should get a move on..

Just then a male figure appears, blocking the exit.. then two, then a group, all dressed in suits. It's DETECTIVE ROSSI and INTERPOL.

ROSSI
Mr. Bullard?

BRIAN
Call me Brian.

ROSSI
I'm Detective Rossi with Interpol, we have some questions for you.

BRIAN
Any relation to Valentino Rossi, the motorcycle racing champ?

ROSSI
Could be, I'll tell you later.

INT. INTERPOL HQ. - NIGHT

Brian and Lovely Wife sit with Detective Rossi, sharing pizza in an interrogation room.

ROSSI
..from what we have gathered, the Fratelli ring was printing counterfeit Euros and passing them off to tourists..

BRIAN
In the main train station?

ROSSI
As well as through attendants of popular tourist sites like Pompeii, Herculaneum..

LOVELY WIFE
Wow, what a scam!

ROSSI
(chewing pizza)
Indeed, we were rather fortunate that you two came to visit, coincidentally busting the ring.

BRIAN
The pleasure is ours, might make a good script. Now what was that about Valentino Rossi?

Detective Rossi opens his coat pocket and pulls out two tickets: pit passes to next weekend's Moto GP races in Mugello. Brian's eyes light up as Rossi hands them over.

ROSSI
And they're real, not counterfeit!

The trio laughs as we cut to:

EXT. MUGELLO GRAN PRIX RACETRACK - DAY

Lovely Wife is in her Gucci shades, eating Gelato. Brian is sunburned, on his feet, cheering at the pack of leathered racers approaching at one-hundred eighty miles per hour.

ANNOUNCER
(excited)
..and it's VALENTINO ROSSI in the lead!

VALENTINO ROSSI waves to Brian and his Lovely Wife as he speeds by.

BRIAN
(ecstatic)
YEAHHHH!!!

THE END

ITALIAN RUSH HOUR, PT. IV

EXT. POMPEII VILLAGE STREETS - AFTERNOON

Discovered by at least ten oncoming Guards, our couple seems doomed. They wait in line at a raised fountain. An american FAT LADY in line protests that she deserves water first.

BRIAN
(strategic)
I'll deal with the guards, meet me at the House of Mysteries.

LOVELY WIFE
(points to map)
Here??

The House of Mysteries is set away from the village, past a long inclined road which served as a cemetary, the famed Necropolis.

BRIAN
Yep, slip up this lane on my cue, it's less than a mile.
NOW!

Brian shoves FAT LADY full into the cold trough below the fountain, causing a hurrendous SPLASH. Amy runs off.

BRIAN
(dastardly)
Bottom's up!!

FAT LADY
(screaming)
Ahhhhh!!

GUARD LEADER
(loudly)
GET HIM!!

Brian leaps to the fountain head, sticks his finger over the bronze spout, SPRAYS the surrounding Guards in their eyes.

Temporarily blinded, the guards are in disarray. Brian jumps from the raised fountain and dashes through them, blazing up the Via del Vesuvio.

Guards distant yet in pursuit, Brian spots a group of tourists a few blocks away, entering the:

INT. HOUSE OF VETTII - DAY

Brian inserts himself amidst the tourists.

TOUR GUIDE
(to group)
..probably best known for its frescoes depicting the massive size of their penises..

BRIAN
(shakes head)
Great timing, geesh.

FEMALE TOURIST #1
(in awe)
Ohhhhhhh!!

We hear the FOOTSTEPS of guards, running.

GUARDS (O.S.)
In there!!

Brian cuts away from the tourists, dashes through the atrium, disappearing into a maze of rooms.

TOUR GUIDE
(noticed Brian)
..of which some men, apparently, have some sort of fear of..

TOURISTS
(laughing)
Haha!

Brian makes his way, from dark room to room, a wrong turn and his face is to a frescoed wall.. on which a giant penis is painted.

BRIAN
(frightened)
Achhh!!

He spots sunlight streaming in from a hall: an exit! The oncoming Guards are hot on his trail. Brian sprints out, heading for the Necropolis.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. POMPEII NECROPOLIS - DAY

We see Brian crouched down, hiding behind the columns of a tomb.

BRIAN
(to himself)
Anytime now.

The few Guards who could keep up run down the cobblestoned incline of the street.

GUARD #1
(in italian)
You still owe me a Gelato from last week!

GUARD #2
(in italian)
If you'd print more bills I'd have more money!

BRIAN
(to himself)
Wha?? They're in on the counterfeit scam?

TO BE CONTINUED...

ITALIAN RUSH HOUR, PT. III

EXT. POMPEII PATH - MORNING

The Guard searches the grounds for Brian and his Lovely Wife. In the distance, he sees a number of tourists entering Pompeii's coliseum, one alabaster individual in cargo shorts sticking out.

GUARD
(to himself in italian accent)
That must be him!

CUT TO:

EXT. POMPEII COLISEUM - MORNING

Brian and his Lovely Wife tread on the packed, white gravel to the center, surveying the circle.

BRIAN
(to Lovely Wife)
Wow, it's like a mini version of the one in Rome..

LOVELY WIFE
And supposedly this was the first one..

They spot the Guard entering through the portal with an air of authority.

GUARD
(loudly)
You!

Everyone in the group turns their head.

GUARD
(annoyed)
No, I mean white guy.

Only half the group is turning their head. The Guard is still advancing.

GUARD
(pissed)
Really PALE one!

Only Brian is turning his head.

BRIAN
(to Lovely Wife)
I think he means me.

The Guard steps up to Brian, they are face to face.

BRIAN
Prego?

GUARD
Show me you money.

BRIAN
(agast)
What??

GUARD
I said show me you money.

LOVELY WIFE
I think he wants to inspect our bills.

BRIAN
Either that, or this is his Jerry McGuire skit!

Brian pulls out his wallet, passes a bill to the guard, who then holds it up in the blazing sunlight.

GUARD
(authoritive)
This, is COUNTERFEIT!

BRIAN
(denial)
No, no, we just got that from a bank, dude.. well an exchange at the Naples main train station.

GUARD
Come with me.

The Guard turns and marches off, peers over his shoulder as if they should follow. They trail slowly.

LOVELY WIFE
(questioning)
What do we do now?

BRIAN
(confident)
Don't worry, I've got a plan.

They march through the coliseum portal, Guard leading.

LOVELY WIFE
Which is??

BRIAN
(loud whisper)
To RUN!! Let's GO!!

With the Guard headed left, the pair splits to the right in an all out sprint, Brian's white stems flashing by.

GUARD
(on radio)
I have them in custody.

CUT TO:

EXT. POMPEII VILLAGE STREETS - AFTERNOON

Brian and his Lovely Wife walk slowly, winded, sweaty. They've escaped their captor.

LOVELY WIFE
(laughing)
That was just like in the movies!

BRIAN
I hope so, this IS a script, after all!

LOVELY WIFE
How did you know where to make all those turns?

BRIAN
I could say through years of studying these streets on maps, but the truth is it's just easier on Wikipedia.

They laugh, approach a street fountain where tourists are lined up, filling water bottles.

BRIAN
We ought to tank up here.

Crabby tourists stand in file, sweating and bitching about waiting in line.

LOVELY WIFE
(whispers)
Embarrassing!

BRIAN
I know, you'd think they'd have simple vending machines here or something!

Over their shoulders, we see a distant yet approaching group of uniformed individuals.. MORE GUARDS!

BRIAN
Oh shit!

TO BE CONTINUED...

ITALIAN RUSH HOUR, PT. II

INT. CITROEN RENTAL - MORNING

The pace picks up as Brian and his Lovely Wife speed near the Naples town center. With a few circular scans they find the main train station to exchange money.

DISSOLVE TO:

Loaded up on Euros, they search for a way out, but are caught in a common european phenomenon: the vortex.

BRIAN
(frustrated)
I swear this was the way we came in!

LOVELY WIFE
I know, this is the third time we've seen this sign!

Brian knows there is only one way out of the vortex, and it's not pretty. It's like bending time.

BRIAN
HOLD ON!!!

EXT. - BUSY DOWNTOWN - MORNING

We see the Citroen buzzing along a four lane section, teeming with pedestrians and vehicles.

Brian gears down, causing high engine revs, almost going into a spin.

In SLO-MO, a PEDESTRIAN'S face as the car turns.

Then an oncoming Lorry.

And finally an OLD MAN in a black suit on the median, holding traffic, pointing the way out of the vacuum.

Time is bent.

CUT TO:

EXT. AUTOSTRADA - MORNING

The Citroen hums down the italian highway, free of the vortex.

BRIAN (O.S.)
..and thank god for the old guy, who was that?

LOVELY WIFE (O.S.)
A good samaritan??

BRIAN (O.S.)
I don't know but he saved our asses!

CUT TO:

INT. MAIN TRAIN STATION - MORNING

We see the Old Man from the street, walking up to the Euro exchange. He eyes the well groomed CLERK behind the counter.

OLD MAN
(italian accent)
Change.

CLERK
(italian accent)
Dollar bill?

It's a code.

The clerk accepts the single dollar and slides back a large, silver coin. As we zoom in we can make out the words:
FRATELLI DI ITALIA.. it's the BROTHERS OF ITALY, the infamous ring known for passing off counterfeit bills to tourists.
Another successful pass.

CUT TO:

EXT. POMPEII ENTRANCE - MORNING

We see Brian and his Lovely Wife, packing their rucksack on this hot July day: Wet Wipes, a sub wrapped in plastic, water bottles.

They approach the entrance, paying at the window, unknowingly exchanging the first set of counterfeit bills.

MOMENTS LATER:

We see a close-up of fingers inspecting the fake bills.

GUARD (O.S.)
(italian)
Very convincing, do you have a description?

ATTENDANT (O.S.)
(italian)
She was very attractive, he was pale, very pale with red hair, he should be sunburned bright red by noon!

GUARD (O.S.)
(italian)
Should be an easy find, I'll go take a look.

CUT TO:

EXT. POMPEII THEATRE - MORNING

The couple tours the ruins in the hot morning sun.

TO BE CONTINUED...