WORDS ARE YOUR TEMPLE

I've been on the prowl lately, digging through blogs and online articles, in search of my next influential character in the screenwriting profession, someone who can offer a piece of inspirational advice, give an unknown tip, a clue, or at least lead by example in what I consider to be, or should be, one of the highest regarded professions: working with words.

I navigated a labyrinth of URL's, swam a sea of scripts, and "Googled" until I considered "Binging" it (but trust me, I won't go that low), and came upon a great big nothing, an abyss, a black hole, a void. Oh sure, there were plenty of "posts", but you really couldn't classify them as articles. Reading about how much someone drank on the weekend or who they slept with might be juicy, but that's not an article in the sense of information. But maybe what I deem to be an article is totally different from the real definition, which I won't go into because I just looked it up and it's disappointing to me: articles do not have to contain information.

Nevertheless, my search was disappointing. Oh sure, I read through a lot of JOHNAUGUST.COM, sucked in a lot of Rossio's WORDPLAY.COM, but these are my standard professional screenwriters. I was looking for that undiscovered great scribe, the incognito Shakespeare, a diamond in the rough. Someone who put a lot of thought and content into their blog, not simply linking other good columns or scripts, or "Youtube". Come on, bloggers, if your post is a "Youtube" link then at least make sure it is something we can learn from or laugh at, not a bathroom full of partygoers shotgunning canned beers (yes, that was someone's blog post of their own weekend party).

Perhaps I just don't get it. Maybe a blog is meant to be a living journal, spewing with the "f-word" and typical hijinks of a "9 to 5er", who wants to use this technology to break out of their shell in the only way they see capable. Maybe expecting true web content from writers is setting the bar too high, and we instead should feel privileged to see deep inside their souls through their posts, many of which only occur monthly or weekly.

My background is decorative artistry: it's visual, all about composition, color, and value. There aren't any words involved, and I believe that people, especially Americans, love that fact. We are very attracted to symbolism and interpretation. With one look at a piece of art we become the judge, the official; whether or not we are artists, we quickly come to our own conclusion of whether something is "good art", and many of us are not afraid to voice it.

But with writing, I think that we are a bit too liberal. We're not as quick to criticize words as much as visual art; instead, we are more likely to empathize with a scribe spilling out the contents of their emotional sarcophagus, looming with skeletons and clunky chains. Some of the stuff I run onto out there is just downright creepy.

We know the saying that the "body is our temple". I'm sure there are plenty of idioms concerning words as well, but I'm done "Googling" for today. For the moment I want to visualize words as if they were a temple, as when I strolled "FORUM ROMANUM" with my Lovely Wife. Where, although a ruins, every cobblestone, column, and lintel was set with meaning, with a purpose. That place gives you pride about being a human being, it's the birthplace of democracy, set by ideas, words, and actions.

I'm the first to admit that I cannot "ace" a grammar test. I would be the last person to place first at a spelling bee. Talk "participle" anything and I am as lost as a hayseed visiting New York. But I'm trying to add content, I work hard at satisfying readers, I want to give you a reason to come here and then to come back, again and again. I have a thirst to learn, a hope to inspire, a will to succeed in these funny black "Courier" shapes over a white background. Join me in this cause to grow plants, not weeds, to build your own temple, not a shack. Feed me, scribes!

Columnist and Pulitzer Prize winning journalist WILLIAM SAFIRE died the other day. I didn't know much about the man except that he was considered a talented writer, and that he was a friend of our Aunt Sherry, who he would exchange letters with. Imagine writing him, and that was before spell check; had to be somewhat intimidating.

Safire was "old school", a presidential speech writer, a Syracuse dropout but you'd never know it from his writings. Now that's cool: a dropout who ends up writing Nixon speeches, only to be wiretapped by the same president in the "concern of national security". A writer who often duked it out on "Meet the Press". Someone who worked hard at delivering his words in the right placement and form. As put by one of his colleagues, "Whether you agreed with him or not was never the point, his writing is delightful, informed and engaging."

Build your own shrine, temple, or forum! Link your best post here, I don't care how old it is, put up a link to a worthy article, talk amongst yourselves, criticize, compliment, just do something!

UNDERWATER

EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

A TAPPING sound BREAKS the silence.
It's Brian at the KEYBOARD, speedily knocking out the BLOG. With an AUDIENCE of CRABGRASS seed heads, he RACES against time...and NATURE.

BRIAN (V.O.)
Whilst googling for screenwriters on my phone last night, I came upon a site, which I will not name, that purported to be the best screenwriting publication for screenwriters.
(beat)
It was filled with inspiring quotes from many successful scribes, giving tips in bold print. Seeing all those names and the works they've produced made me realize how many screenwriters there are, which is one helluva lot.
(beat)
I scrolled down, sucking in the advice, then came along a soul which had only one credit to his name: "Waterworld".
(beat)
I know what you're thinking.
(beat)
Hey, I liked Waterworld, I don't expect much from those types of films because of the action, in fact, all I expect is action. I've never seen a bad James Bond film because I never expect anything, so whatever comes is a good surprise.
(beat)
I've heard a lot of criticism and reference, bad reference, to Waterworld. It's unfair, so I automatically feel sorry for this guy. Imagine when he was trying to get listed on this site, when they asked what his credentials were.

INT. SCREENWRITING GROUP OFFICE - DAY

WRITER #1
(laughing)
He said his only credit is WATERWORLD!

WRITER #2
He admitted to writing it?

WRITER #1
At least he's honest, I would've lied and said GIGLI!!!

EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

Fortunately, most writer's aren't so mean-spirited like that, they've all suffered at the hands of executives, producers, and directors who took liberties with their script. Do you really believe that the writer from "Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot", actually wrote what appeared on film? To save face, Sylvester Stallone berated the script.
(beat)
So, if it's any concession, I'll give the Waterworld screenwriter a well-deserved link.

PETER RADER

"MEETING" JUDD APATOW

EXT. BACKYARD - MORNING

BRIAN plays with CAESAR, the lab mix. After the dog meticulously INVESTIGATES the backyard for imaginary PROWLERS, he is up for a game of HALF FETCH.

Brian THROWS the TENNIS BALL, Caesar dashes to RETRIEVE, but instead of returning the ball he does a FLY-BY, and circles around.

Eventually Brian WRESTLES the ball from Caesar's mouth and they REPEAT the motions.

INT. SCREENED PORCH - SUNRISE

We see BRIAN on the LAPTOP again.

BRIAN (V.O.)
Since wanting to write a screenplay, I've consciously kept an open ear about professional writers. That means I lunged for the remote when my lovely wife said she might watch "What Not to Wear", right in the middle of a "Sixty-Minutes" interview with JUDD APATOW.

INT. BLOG READERS - DAYTIME

We see BLOG READERS, who happen to be professional WRITERS, reading the blog on their LAPTOPS.

BLOG READER #1
(matter of factly)
Oh yeah, I know, Judd A-P-A-T-O-W.

BLOG READER #2
(nods head)
Oh, cool, he's learning about Apatow.

BRIAN (V.O.)
I gotta admit, somewhere in the show my mind started wandering off, I can't even tell you if it was Morley Safer or Steve Kroft doing the interview. Is Morley Safer still alive?

We see the BLOG READERS panning down the page, READING.

BRIAN (V.O.)
I was daydreaming about how my own life would change if I could sell a screenplay, when all along I needed to be learning about Judd Apatow.
(beat)
Anyway, luckily enough, the weekly TIME magazine, filed right next to our toilet, also has an interview with Judd. Seeing that, I felt I already got some kind of second chance as a writer, a sort of epiphany that I should keep my head out of my ass.

We see BLOG READER #1, sending out a TWEET, his fingers speeding over his I-PHONE.

BLOG READER #1
(typing)
Here's an amateur blog from a guy who thinks he can sell a screenplay, AND HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHO JUDD APATOW IS! Send your condolences to
http://screenwritesofpassage.blogspot.com/

INT. SCREENED PORCH - SUNRISE

BRIAN (V.O.)
(typing)
What do I know, now, about Judd Apatow? Well, I mostly noticed the things we have in commmon: he is forty-something, has extreme back pain, and also has a beautiful, educated, red-headed lovely wife. He will only take an aisle seat at the movies in case he "freaks out", which I can also attest to. He views "projects as problems" and seems to never give up, same way here. He has a great body of work, the only thing in common there is that I've seen "The Forty Year Old Virgin" and "Forgetting Sarah Marshall". Funny stuff, alright.
(beat)
The things we don't have in common are much too long to explain. At the top of my list is the fact that he can grow a full beard, I can't. I have a Spencer Pratt-ish, flesh-colored beard veiling my chin and a fake moustache; it wouldn't qualify as "real".

BLOG READER #2
(curious)
Think I just got a Tweet.

He looks at his BLACKBERRY, it's the TWEET from BLOG READER #1.

BLOG READER #2
(disgust)
Give the guy a break, damn!

BRIAN (V.O.)
In retrospect, I don't WANT to know everything about Judd Apatow, I don't want to subconsciously be copying him in any...

Brian feels a BITE on LEG. He INSPECTS the location and finds an ANT that looks the size of a PINHEAD. He sees the same on his FEET and FRANTICALLY rubs his lower body, SMASHING the ANTS.

BRIAN (V.O.)
(relieved)
way, shape, or form.
(beat)
The good thing is that I know what Judd Apatow looks like. Should I ever see him, I'll know that he is a successful screenwriter and producer. He tops the record of using the "F-word" in a film. No doubt will he be unintimidated my my sparse, flesh-colored facial growth. We will have immediate mutual respect for one another when I explain that the disc under my L4 vertebrae is severely ruptured.
(beat)
If there's one way for men to bond it's over back pain issues and uses for the "F-word"!