LOW BLOW, BRAVO

Oh my, reality TV, what have you done?

This, I asked myself, last night, while watching the "RACHEL ZOE PROJECT" with my Lovely Wife, on the DVR of course. Where do I start?

SYNOPSIS
Rachel gets a call from self professed gattabout ASHTON KUTCHER, who would like her to appear in a webisode of his online animated show, "Blah Girls" (no, we're not linking that crap). She is charged with styling his animated characters for a prom. Later, riddled with exhaustion or an undisclosed disease, Rachel seems to be dying, or that's what Brad says at least, we can't tell if he's joking or that's his personal wish. We end up at "To be continued", as if it were a plot worth continuing.

Where do we start with this? Okay, Ashton's "Blah Girls".

INT. LAPTOP SCREEN - DAY

We see the not-un-Southpark-like "Blah Girls" animation, with their big heads and tiny bodies. They sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks. Two of the girls debate something, not memorable.

GIRL #1
I can't believe she'd do that..

GIRL #2
..if she didn't, I would have a ..

CUT TO:

Our POV is that of an animated character giving birth. We see our legs propped up, two hands reach down and pull out, a cow.

COW
Moo!

FADE OUT

She would have a cow, genius.. not.

In the next clip, a character responds to her mother, whose voice is represented by trumpet sounds, by saying "it's not my fault that you're getting vaginal rejuvination". Wow, who writes this stuff, an adolescent kid sneaking onto his father's script editing program at night? Oh, no, Ashton does.. sorry dude. You should call it "Dude, Where's My Writer?" instead.

Rachel comes and meets in a hallway with Ashton, his web developer, and sort of producer guy who wears irritating white and black checkered glasses. Ashton and his team look "put on the spot" as in "almost embarrassed" to be in this episode, and they should be.. and they should be doubly embarrassed over this childish animation they produce.

At work, all around a table, Ashton, of all people, is the one who has to pull Rachel into being serious, which is an uncomfortable moment for us all.

Finally, Rachel complains how she sucks at this, but does a perfect job when it comes down to it. She watches it on the laptop with Brad and Taylor, laughing. They use real video on Rachel, but animate her mouth in puppet fashion in the first shot; it's almost a slam which she manages to overlook (or they edit out her rant). Not real nice of you, Ashton.

Ashton and Demi call while the team is watching the animation. Rachel asks "are you two in Atlanta?". Huh? How would she know if they were, and why would it matter? Then, "have you seen Ne-Ne?". We hear Demi shouting out that she has watched every episode, not of Rachel Zoe, but of "Real Housewives of Atlanta".

So, let me lay this out: BRAVO TV, which airs both Rachel and the Atlanta Housewives show, agreed to air segments of Ashton's animation, in exchange for him allowing Rachel to be in one of his "webisodes", as well as a plug from Ashton and Demi for the housewives. Rachel also agreed to plug the housewives show in the phone convo.

Three questions:
1.Does Ashton have to kiss up to Bravo?
2.Will Rachel let them do this to her brand?
3.Does Bravo think we're stupid?

No, yes, and yes.

In the final half of the show, Rachel rolls around on a couch, swearing she is dying, refusing to see a doctor, blah, blah, blah.. that's dire straits for production, faking an illness. Oh, and there was a model shoot in between.

A bit of advice:
Ashton: go pull your GOOD contacts, or your wife's.
Rachel: focus on your brand and fashion, and eat something.
Bravo: quit plugging your other reality shows within your own reality shows, that are filled with commercials in between of your reality shows, or just make it one big show called:
The Real Housewives of Atlanta are Flipping Out on The Rachel Zoe Project

GEESH!!

RACHEL ZOE PROJECT, POST II

We caught RACHEL ZOE again, last night on the DVR. This episode revolved around tabloids and their purported "false reporting" on Rachel. It starts out with Rach, Brad, and Taylor working together on a (fictitious?) project and cuts to Rachel reading a report that she was screaming into her phone at a show in New York's fashion week.

Why is that so hard to imagine?

I'm sure a lot of people scream into their phone during fashion week, or? I mean, any designer or stylist SHOULD be doing it, getting things done. And then, to get the coverage in print, the proof that you'll go off into an electronic device in front of a crowd over some not so trivial beading or what? That's fantastic, she should be proud, not embarrassed.

As we roll along, her husband, whose name fails me, which is not good so he should use a memorable name like "Miko" or "Timo" or what... well, he gives Rachel a pep talk while making her breakfast.

INT. ZOE KITCHEN - MORNING

Rachel is on her laptop, scanning down the latest rumors posted about her weight, or lack thereof, and supposed bad attitude.

RACHEL
(beside herself)
..and I just can't believe, see, no, that's not true either, all lies..

HUSBAND
(making breakfast)
Hey, c'mon honey, we know that's not true, your friends know that you're nice...

RACHEL
(not listening)
..how can they post this about me?

HUSBAND
(polite)
Your coffee is almost ready..

RACHEL
(evil look)
COFFEE? I wanted TEA.

HUSBAND
(flinching)
Oh, er, uh, no problem Rach, I can make tea too, got it!

Rachel looks like she'll rip his head off if he doesn't get some tea made ASAP.

RACHEL
(fake nice)
Oh, that's so sweet of you.

MOMENTS LATER:

Husband serves Rachel the cup of tea, then realizes he forgot about the pancake thingy or whatever that is in the microwave.

HUSBAND
(dashing to microwave)
Holy..

RACHEL
(complacent)
Is there going to be a fire?

HUSBAND
(relieved)
Ahh, no, it's okay now.

RACHEL
(bitchy)
Good, HURRY UP WITH THAT, I don't want to be late.

SO, if at first we believed Rachel, that the tabloids were lying about her, let's call it "attitudeness", it's hard not to side them after what we just viewed. Yes, she kind of dogged her husband in front of x-million viewers, she's no princess.

Moving on, MARIE CLAIRE shoots Rachel (on film I mean) for a style page on lower cost items. This is filled with constant "ohmygod"s and "de-saster"s.

The highlight, and funniest moment is when assistant Brad, during make-up for Rachel's shoot, grabs a thin blonde wig and parts it over his head, with super-long bangs, emulating ever-crabby assistant TAYLOR. Everyone cracks up and they shoot the image and send it to Taylor over the phone.

Of course, Taylor takes offense, bails out on that night's party, claiming she is not "socially adept". Wow, just what you want in an assistant that you send to celebrity homes for styling, someone who is antisocial, or socially inept, as she put it.

At the party, several people ask Rachel and Brad where Taylor is. Later, the two discuss it, Rachel being surprised that people were asking for Taylor by her name, exclaiming, "they knew her name!".

Surprised, Rachel? Yep, we are too.