INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
We see Brian on his first official day back at the "office", revived from vacation. He sports a black PETA T-shirt, a white outline of a rabbit on the front, and faded jeans.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Yes, you read that right, jeans, we're finally enjoying a cool front in sweltering South Carolina. It's quite refreshing: a cool breeze, lightly overcast sky, moisture on the ground. A change in season and temperature is like starting a fresh, new page in a script.
We watched the first episode of the "Rachel Zoe Project" last night. If you're not familiar, she's a stylist for some notable stars, ANNE HATHAWAY being one of them. The one hour series, which should be more like thirty minutes, covers the tension between Rachel and her assistants and last minute finds and scheduling.
The way the show is shot, it's as if they want to make you believe that poor Anne is one hour away from being on the red carpet, waiting in her underwear for Rachel to appear, with hopefully the best red carpet dress instead of a potato sack (which she could pull off just as well).
We tune in for the shopping and fashion. We would like to see more of that, and the stars, but the show always limits the latter to the last minute of Rachel and her assistants watching the stars on T.V., like we all do at home, evoking self-praise, which we seldom do at home.
INT. STUDIO - SUNSET
Rachel sits on a couch in front of the T.V., looking emaciated. She needs a sandwich. Assistant Brad walks in at the last minute, the red carpet for the Golden Globes is streaming from the tube.
RACHEL
(excitedly)
C'mon Bra-ad, it's just starting!
Brad cozies up on the couch with Rachel.We see a shot of Anne Hathaway in the outfit and jewelry they picked.
RACHEL
(frog-like tone)
She KIIILLLLLEDD ITTTT. RIBBIT!
INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
Brian shakes his head.
BRIAN (V.O.)
That was the moment I waited fifty-nine minutes for?? Christ!
(beat)
Okay, to be clear, and fair, nothing against Rachel, she is good at what she does, has extraordinary taste and buying, or loaning power. I wish she would eat something someday, but that's her business.
What I would like to see is a better script, better production, a show that is not designed around the insubordination of her blonde assistant, which bores me. Worse yet, it is like listening to screeching nails on the blackboard, I was downing red wine just to stand it.
And the fake phone calls, c'mon! That reality show trick is getting old, you're not even using a filtered voice on the other end of the line! Watch this, folks:
INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
Brian picks up his cell phone, as if he just received a call.
BRIAN
(professional)
Brian Bullard speaking.
ANNE HATHAWAY
(filtered)
Hey Brian, just wondering if you guys liked my outfit shown last night?
BRIAN
It was splendid, Anne, Rachel did a fantastic job as usual.
ANNE HATHAWAY
(filtered)
Good, because I'm sending it to your lovely wife!
BRIAN
Oh Anne, thanks so much, what a gesture!
ANNE HATHAWAY
(filtered)
I thought she might want to wear it when you receive your Nicholl Award?
BRIAN
Okay, now I KNOW this is a fake call!
INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
Maus the cat is sitting on her wicker chair. She hikes her leg up and does a cat pedicure, cleaning her paw.
BRIAN (V.O.)
See, that's how you make a fake call interesting. So let's see more of that, and some star interviews, more shopping, and something really wild, like Rachel at a restaurant, actually eating food.
FADE OUT
Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
RETURN FROM VACATION ISLAND
INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
Brian has just returned from one week at Edisto Island. The tip of his ring finger, bandaged, victim of an incident at the beach. He types on the Dell laptop.
BRIAN (V.O.)
It was a wonderful week at Edisto with my lovely wife and the "Three Cats and a Dog" cast.
CUT TO:
MONTAGE:
a) We see the family packed into the van, Caesar the dog trying to get in the front seat to "drive" as Brian protests.
b) Brian is trying to coax the cats out from under the bed at the vacation rental.
c) On the beach, he CLAPS down the umbrella, finger bleeding, wincing in pain.
d) Brian and his lovely wife are soaked in sweat, cleaning up the rental.
e) The family drives back for five hours, looking beat.
INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
Brian reminisces and smiles.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Don't get me wrong, it was really a great time, but vacation can be a lot of work! I did, however, spend a lot of my mornings writing the script, formatting, polishing. And I got a few new ideas for screenplays.
None of which I will share, lol.
Being so far removed from civilization, I was really able to analyze the Hollywood thing. I have some new ideas in that realm, my primary focus being budgetary, and how to tag something to my script to get it to the top of the pile, or at least keep it out of the circular file.
We returned to a stack of newspapers, magazines, and mail, in that order. It's funny to go through a week of newspapers and watch developments, it's like a real-life montage. And, it's more work, but I need to stay in the loop, eh?
So, this is that landmark moment, the one referred to as "when I get back from vacation I wanna..", the time where thoughts turn into action, there's no running from it.
But there's a lot of recorded stuff on the satellite: Entourage, International House Hunters, The Soup, The Dish, Moto GP racing.. it's going to take a bit to catch up.
And low and behold, there's still a lawn outside this screen, if there's one thing that hasn't changed it's the crabgrass. Phooey!
Brian has just returned from one week at Edisto Island. The tip of his ring finger, bandaged, victim of an incident at the beach. He types on the Dell laptop.
BRIAN (V.O.)
It was a wonderful week at Edisto with my lovely wife and the "Three Cats and a Dog" cast.
CUT TO:
MONTAGE:
a) We see the family packed into the van, Caesar the dog trying to get in the front seat to "drive" as Brian protests.
b) Brian is trying to coax the cats out from under the bed at the vacation rental.
c) On the beach, he CLAPS down the umbrella, finger bleeding, wincing in pain.
d) Brian and his lovely wife are soaked in sweat, cleaning up the rental.
e) The family drives back for five hours, looking beat.
INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
Brian reminisces and smiles.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Don't get me wrong, it was really a great time, but vacation can be a lot of work! I did, however, spend a lot of my mornings writing the script, formatting, polishing. And I got a few new ideas for screenplays.
None of which I will share, lol.
Being so far removed from civilization, I was really able to analyze the Hollywood thing. I have some new ideas in that realm, my primary focus being budgetary, and how to tag something to my script to get it to the top of the pile, or at least keep it out of the circular file.
We returned to a stack of newspapers, magazines, and mail, in that order. It's funny to go through a week of newspapers and watch developments, it's like a real-life montage. And, it's more work, but I need to stay in the loop, eh?
So, this is that landmark moment, the one referred to as "when I get back from vacation I wanna..", the time where thoughts turn into action, there's no running from it.
But there's a lot of recorded stuff on the satellite: Entourage, International House Hunters, The Soup, The Dish, Moto GP racing.. it's going to take a bit to catch up.
And low and behold, there's still a lawn outside this screen, if there's one thing that hasn't changed it's the crabgrass. Phooey!
Saturday, August 29, 2009
IN THE TIME OF THE BUTTERFLIES
MOVIE REVIEW
IN THE TIME OF THE BUTTERFLIES
I found this on my never-ending search of satellite listings, and the findings must have been scarce for me to look at the info on this title. Salma Hayek and Marc Anthony? Sure, I'll tape that.
And I'm glad I did. The movie is based on the lives of the Mirabal sisters, Dominican revolutionary activists, who opposed the dictatorship of Rafael Trujillo and were assassinated in 1960.
The cast, from what I could make of it, was completely Hispanic. The question here is, who in the world made the poor decision to have the entire film shot in english, forcing the actors to have a spanish accent? An incredibly dumb decision in my opinion, it should have all been done in spanish with english subtitles.
Hayek plays the main character, a girl in a large family on a farm who wants to move on and get a proper education. Her boyfriend, Marc Anthony, is an activist who knows of the atrocities being committed by the brutal dictator's regime. Through the surreptitious help of her underground comrades she becomes a icon for their struggles.
The cinematography is beautiful, the settings are very reminiscent of what old Cuba once was: colonial architecture in the city, jungle and simplistic farms in the countryside.
Be warned, the conflict is often violent and very sad but doesn't even start to touch on the depth of the murderous ways of Trujillo, who was assassinated in 1961.
It's worth a watch. IMDB says it was made for television, Salma picked up two awards for the gig. Being a MOW (Movie of the Week) explains why it was shot in english, rather unfortunate. In spanish, with some script tweaking, this could have gone on to better things.
Check out this LINK for more on the film.
IN THE TIME OF THE BUTTERFLIES
I found this on my never-ending search of satellite listings, and the findings must have been scarce for me to look at the info on this title. Salma Hayek and Marc Anthony? Sure, I'll tape that.
And I'm glad I did. The movie is based on the lives of the Mirabal sisters, Dominican revolutionary activists, who opposed the dictatorship of Rafael Trujillo and were assassinated in 1960.
The cast, from what I could make of it, was completely Hispanic. The question here is, who in the world made the poor decision to have the entire film shot in english, forcing the actors to have a spanish accent? An incredibly dumb decision in my opinion, it should have all been done in spanish with english subtitles.
Hayek plays the main character, a girl in a large family on a farm who wants to move on and get a proper education. Her boyfriend, Marc Anthony, is an activist who knows of the atrocities being committed by the brutal dictator's regime. Through the surreptitious help of her underground comrades she becomes a icon for their struggles.
The cinematography is beautiful, the settings are very reminiscent of what old Cuba once was: colonial architecture in the city, jungle and simplistic farms in the countryside.
Be warned, the conflict is often violent and very sad but doesn't even start to touch on the depth of the murderous ways of Trujillo, who was assassinated in 1961.
It's worth a watch. IMDB says it was made for television, Salma picked up two awards for the gig. Being a MOW (Movie of the Week) explains why it was shot in english, rather unfortunate. In spanish, with some script tweaking, this could have gone on to better things.
Check out this LINK for more on the film.
Friday, August 28, 2009
DRILL-DOWN
INT. KITCHEN - MORNING
We see Brian installing a DEADBOLT LOCK. He removes a PLASTIC JIG from its packaging, then slides it to fit on the edge of the WOODEN DOOR.
He attaches a large, circular BIT to the DRILL, triggering it once to watch it SPIN.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Ready.
On his target, the drill BITES into the wood, firmly in his GRIP. An eery SCREECH warns that it will soon come to a halt. Sawdust takes flight and powders the floor. Just then the bit PUNCHES through to the other side.
Brian pulls the drill back and removes the bit with a wrench. A small disc of wood fills the hollow cylinder. He takes a screwdriver, prying, and the disc POPS out, HITTING the floor, and rolling.
CUT TO:
INT. WOODEN DISK - DAY
We are at ground level, right behind the rolling disc, the grooves of the oak wood floor coming towards us from the perspective, as it were taxiing down a runway.
The disc goes through the opening to the dining room, gaining momentum. It's headed toward Maus, the white, furry, now Godzilla-sized cat, who is bent down in stalking position in the distant living room.
CUT TO:
CAESAR THE DOG
Caesar lies in his kennel, raising one ear as he hears the oncoming disk. He sits up quickly, head jutting out as the disk approaches.
CUT TO:
Caesar's giant, tan paw with long, black nails CRASHES down on the disk. He leans forward curiously, sniffs it, then reveals his large, pearly canines.
CRUNCH!
FADE OUT
BRIAN (V.O.)
This was just a writing exercise for me, trying to take the uneventful, mundane task of installing a door lock and turning it into something hopefully thrilling.
(beat)
It needs work, I know, that why I practice.
We see Brian installing a DEADBOLT LOCK. He removes a PLASTIC JIG from its packaging, then slides it to fit on the edge of the WOODEN DOOR.
He attaches a large, circular BIT to the DRILL, triggering it once to watch it SPIN.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Ready.
On his target, the drill BITES into the wood, firmly in his GRIP. An eery SCREECH warns that it will soon come to a halt. Sawdust takes flight and powders the floor. Just then the bit PUNCHES through to the other side.
Brian pulls the drill back and removes the bit with a wrench. A small disc of wood fills the hollow cylinder. He takes a screwdriver, prying, and the disc POPS out, HITTING the floor, and rolling.
CUT TO:
INT. WOODEN DISK - DAY
We are at ground level, right behind the rolling disc, the grooves of the oak wood floor coming towards us from the perspective, as it were taxiing down a runway.
The disc goes through the opening to the dining room, gaining momentum. It's headed toward Maus, the white, furry, now Godzilla-sized cat, who is bent down in stalking position in the distant living room.
CUT TO:
CAESAR THE DOG
Caesar lies in his kennel, raising one ear as he hears the oncoming disk. He sits up quickly, head jutting out as the disk approaches.
CUT TO:
Caesar's giant, tan paw with long, black nails CRASHES down on the disk. He leans forward curiously, sniffs it, then reveals his large, pearly canines.
CRUNCH!
FADE OUT
BRIAN (V.O.)
This was just a writing exercise for me, trying to take the uneventful, mundane task of installing a door lock and turning it into something hopefully thrilling.
(beat)
It needs work, I know, that why I practice.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
MISTAKES & EFFORT
INT. WORDPLAYER COLUMN PAGE - MORNING
We see Brian SCROLLING down a list of "ORIGINAL APHORISMS" posted by his mentor.
TERRI ROSSIO (O.S.)
Mistakes are the by-product of action -- and thus an accurate gauge of effort.
BRIAN (V.O.)
(laughing)
Then my life has been FULL of EFFORT!
(beat)
I'm fortunate to have a mentor that I agree with. It always irked me when someone has something to complain about but is doing nothing to change the course of events. Better to step up and try to change things, accept the mistakes, and keep going forward.
BLOG READER #1 OFFICE - DAY
BLOG READER #1
Hey kid, been making a lot of mistakes, eh? A REAL SCREENWRITER doesn't have to make so many mistakes because they've LEARNED the craft in all their years of schooling!
BRIAN (V.O.)
Hey there, B.R. One, how's it going?
BLOG READER #1
Oh, now you've finally come to your wits, talking to me, maybe you need some advice from the master?
BRIAN (V.O.)
Well of course, with all your training and expertise, you must be full of good advice.
BLOG READER #1
That, I am.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Okay, then help me out with this if you like: I've got someone in the industry who is always down on me, seems no matter what I do, it's not going to satisfy this person.
BLOG READER #1
An executive?
BRIAN (V.O.)
I'll leave out the details, let's just say it's someone who "follows my work".
BLOG READER #1
Okay.
BRIAN (V.O.)
So, lend me an example of what you've done in these situations, so I can learn.
BLOG READER #1
Well, kid, not often that someone disagrees with me.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Do you think they're agreeing, or just not telling you what they're thinking?
BLOG READER #1
There's no doubt, most agree with me.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Because they're not telling you what they think, right?
BLOG READER #1
Who's the one giving advice here, kid?
BRIAN (V.O.)
You.
BLOG READER #1
So why don't you just agree, then we'll move on.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Which proves my point.
BLOG READER #1
Which is?
BRIAN (V.O.)
You only want people to agree with you.
BLOG READER #1
I gotta run, I have a one-o'clock with an executive! You keep writing your little BLOG, kid!
INT. WORDPLAYER COLUMN PAGE - MORNING
Brian SIPS his cup of WARM COFFEE.
BRIAN (V.O.)
It's about time I took that guy down a notch.
(beat)
I'll keep making mistakes, that's what script rewrites and polishing are about. When it comes down to doing a deal I'll be well-versed in rewriting, unless the executives just agree with me and tell me what I want to hear!
We see Brian SCROLLING down a list of "ORIGINAL APHORISMS" posted by his mentor.
TERRI ROSSIO (O.S.)
Mistakes are the by-product of action -- and thus an accurate gauge of effort.
BRIAN (V.O.)
(laughing)
Then my life has been FULL of EFFORT!
(beat)
I'm fortunate to have a mentor that I agree with. It always irked me when someone has something to complain about but is doing nothing to change the course of events. Better to step up and try to change things, accept the mistakes, and keep going forward.
BLOG READER #1 OFFICE - DAY
BLOG READER #1
Hey kid, been making a lot of mistakes, eh? A REAL SCREENWRITER doesn't have to make so many mistakes because they've LEARNED the craft in all their years of schooling!
BRIAN (V.O.)
Hey there, B.R. One, how's it going?
BLOG READER #1
Oh, now you've finally come to your wits, talking to me, maybe you need some advice from the master?
BRIAN (V.O.)
Well of course, with all your training and expertise, you must be full of good advice.
BLOG READER #1
That, I am.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Okay, then help me out with this if you like: I've got someone in the industry who is always down on me, seems no matter what I do, it's not going to satisfy this person.
BLOG READER #1
An executive?
BRIAN (V.O.)
I'll leave out the details, let's just say it's someone who "follows my work".
BLOG READER #1
Okay.
BRIAN (V.O.)
So, lend me an example of what you've done in these situations, so I can learn.
BLOG READER #1
Well, kid, not often that someone disagrees with me.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Do you think they're agreeing, or just not telling you what they're thinking?
BLOG READER #1
There's no doubt, most agree with me.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Because they're not telling you what they think, right?
BLOG READER #1
Who's the one giving advice here, kid?
BRIAN (V.O.)
You.
BLOG READER #1
So why don't you just agree, then we'll move on.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Which proves my point.
BLOG READER #1
Which is?
BRIAN (V.O.)
You only want people to agree with you.
BLOG READER #1
I gotta run, I have a one-o'clock with an executive! You keep writing your little BLOG, kid!
INT. WORDPLAYER COLUMN PAGE - MORNING
Brian SIPS his cup of WARM COFFEE.
BRIAN (V.O.)
It's about time I took that guy down a notch.
(beat)
I'll keep making mistakes, that's what script rewrites and polishing are about. When it comes down to doing a deal I'll be well-versed in rewriting, unless the executives just agree with me and tell me what I want to hear!
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
A MAN OF FEW WORDS
EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
SMOOTH JAZZ permeates the AIRWAVES.
Brian gets a TEXT from his LOVELY WIFE.
Wanting to EXTRACT her from the CONFINES of the CORPORATE WORLD, our HERO works hard at his POTENTIALLY award-winning SCRIPT.
BRIAN (V.O.)
One thing I enjoy about writing a script is the ability to change anything with just a few words, and as few words as possible, or so it should be.
(beat)
If I think about that, some of the shortest lines can have the biggest impact, in a script, but even moreso in life.
(beat)
Take, for example:
"I do". The first thing that comes to my mind is marriage, and how those two words represent everything agreed to "above the line".
(beat)
"I quit". In my mind, it automatically refers to someone quitting their job, and it is the one time we see a quitter in a positive light. It's the moment when an under-appreciated and overworked employee stands up for themselves.
(beat)
"I wish". An innocent hope, maybe naive, but we respect it. A villain never says "I wish", this comes from someone we side with, somebody we like.
DUSTY, Cat #1, SAUNTERS in and HOPS up on a WICKER CHAIR.
He PEERS out at the GROWING LAWN, while DIGESTING his morning BITE of CRABGRASS.
BRIAN (V.O.)
It's quite a balancing act writing a script of few words that have a lot of impact. I should take a look at the "CASTAWAY" script, that probably has the most "action" descriptions of any screenplay, and yet it was such a success (I linked a third draft, which was still changed in the movie!).
(beat)
Maybe because people enjoy the element of using less words? Possibly so.
(beat)
Because people enjoy the use of less words? Possibly so.
(beat)
People enjoy less words? Possibly.
(beat)
Less words? DEFINITELY!
FADE OUT
SMOOTH JAZZ permeates the AIRWAVES.
Brian gets a TEXT from his LOVELY WIFE.
Wanting to EXTRACT her from the CONFINES of the CORPORATE WORLD, our HERO works hard at his POTENTIALLY award-winning SCRIPT.
BRIAN (V.O.)
One thing I enjoy about writing a script is the ability to change anything with just a few words, and as few words as possible, or so it should be.
(beat)
If I think about that, some of the shortest lines can have the biggest impact, in a script, but even moreso in life.
(beat)
Take, for example:
"I do". The first thing that comes to my mind is marriage, and how those two words represent everything agreed to "above the line".
(beat)
"I quit". In my mind, it automatically refers to someone quitting their job, and it is the one time we see a quitter in a positive light. It's the moment when an under-appreciated and overworked employee stands up for themselves.
(beat)
"I wish". An innocent hope, maybe naive, but we respect it. A villain never says "I wish", this comes from someone we side with, somebody we like.
DUSTY, Cat #1, SAUNTERS in and HOPS up on a WICKER CHAIR.
He PEERS out at the GROWING LAWN, while DIGESTING his morning BITE of CRABGRASS.
BRIAN (V.O.)
It's quite a balancing act writing a script of few words that have a lot of impact. I should take a look at the "CASTAWAY" script, that probably has the most "action" descriptions of any screenplay, and yet it was such a success (I linked a third draft, which was still changed in the movie!).
(beat)
Maybe because people enjoy the element of using less words? Possibly so.
(beat)
Because people enjoy the use of less words? Possibly so.
(beat)
People enjoy less words? Possibly.
(beat)
Less words? DEFINITELY!
FADE OUT
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
LOCKS OF LOVE
EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
A LADY, with a "BABY IN A SACK" across her CHEST, STRIDES up the slow INCLINE in full view of the PORCH. Her small, WHITE TERRIER, diligently at her side. Brian WAVES. She WAVES back.
BRIAN (V.O.)
"Baby in a Sack", gotta admire the inventor of that thing!
(beat)
In my quest to look more like a writer I have been growing my hair out. Where once whitish-pink or sunburned earlobes glistened, there are now long, red fringes of hair. The whole process has been quite a learning experience, namely that long hair is freaking HOT, I mean in temperature, it can get boiling under here!
(beat)
Women with long hair do not get enough appreciation for what they endure. For some unknown reason, girls with pixie-headed buzzcuts get a lot of respect and attention. They enjoy the low maintainence cut and all the cool breezes and praise, while the rest of the women are sweltering under their lovely locks, all in the name of femininity.
(beat)
And guys? They get even less respect for their long hair. In stores where I once was greeted with "how can I help you?" it's now "hey man"? How is it that every guy figures a man with longer hair wants to be referred to as man? It's "folicle profiling", I swear.
INT. OFFICE SUPPLY STORE
ANNOYING SALES GUY
Hey man, need any help?
BRIAN
No, umm, thanks, was just looking.
ANNOYING SALES GUY
Okay dude, but if you need something, I'm right here, man.
BRIAN
I was just leaving.
EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
BRIAN (V.O.)
I guess we all know why Fabio always has that forlorn look, under the heat of those locks, always being referred to as "man" or "dude.
(beat)
There was a guy with unusually long hair on Jeopardy, months ago. Turns out he grows it over ten inches to meet the required length for donating to "LOCKS OF LOVE", then has it cut.
(beat)
Rather noble gesture, because the worst thing about it is the heat, I swear.
(beat"
And dealing with all of this "folicle profiling", geesh!
A LADY, with a "BABY IN A SACK" across her CHEST, STRIDES up the slow INCLINE in full view of the PORCH. Her small, WHITE TERRIER, diligently at her side. Brian WAVES. She WAVES back.
BRIAN (V.O.)
"Baby in a Sack", gotta admire the inventor of that thing!
(beat)
In my quest to look more like a writer I have been growing my hair out. Where once whitish-pink or sunburned earlobes glistened, there are now long, red fringes of hair. The whole process has been quite a learning experience, namely that long hair is freaking HOT, I mean in temperature, it can get boiling under here!
(beat)
Women with long hair do not get enough appreciation for what they endure. For some unknown reason, girls with pixie-headed buzzcuts get a lot of respect and attention. They enjoy the low maintainence cut and all the cool breezes and praise, while the rest of the women are sweltering under their lovely locks, all in the name of femininity.
(beat)
And guys? They get even less respect for their long hair. In stores where I once was greeted with "how can I help you?" it's now "hey man"? How is it that every guy figures a man with longer hair wants to be referred to as man? It's "folicle profiling", I swear.
INT. OFFICE SUPPLY STORE
ANNOYING SALES GUY
Hey man, need any help?
BRIAN
No, umm, thanks, was just looking.
ANNOYING SALES GUY
Okay dude, but if you need something, I'm right here, man.
BRIAN
I was just leaving.
EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
BRIAN (V.O.)
I guess we all know why Fabio always has that forlorn look, under the heat of those locks, always being referred to as "man" or "dude.
(beat)
There was a guy with unusually long hair on Jeopardy, months ago. Turns out he grows it over ten inches to meet the required length for donating to "LOCKS OF LOVE", then has it cut.
(beat)
Rather noble gesture, because the worst thing about it is the heat, I swear.
(beat"
And dealing with all of this "folicle profiling", geesh!
Monday, August 24, 2009
THE PUFFY CHAIR
MOVIE REVIEW
Skipping through the movie guide of the satellite system, I spy an interesting title: THE PUFFY CHAIR. The description went something like "a man, his girlfriend, and brother travel to Atlanta to pick up a chair he purchased on Ebay". I quickly programmed it to record.
Josh, the main character, buys a chair on Ebay and sets out from New York on a road trip with girlfriend Emily. They soon pick up Rhett, the first of many errors on the journey. The goal is the delivery of the chair to Atlanta as a gift for
their father's birthday.
The show is fairly fast moving, it mostly kept my attention, which means a lot, coming from me. It's shot in "shaky-cam" style, using a Panasonic AG-DVX100A. The first act incorporates a lot of this motion, less as the film goes on (thank god,
it was making me queasy!).
It's well scripted, although I read there was much adlibbing it's not apparent. The acting and dialogue are fantastic, especially for a seemingly low-budget film.
The director, Jay Duplass, later went on to act in "Nights and Weekends". Mark Duplass co-wrote and plays the main character. The film was released in
2006, check into Wikipedia or IMDB for more on the brothers.
I highly recommend viewing the film, especially for aspiring screenwriters. It shows how characters and dialogue are much more important than a particular
setting or effect. or effect. ENJOY!
Skipping through the movie guide of the satellite system, I spy an interesting title: THE PUFFY CHAIR. The description went something like "a man, his girlfriend, and brother travel to Atlanta to pick up a chair he purchased on Ebay". I quickly programmed it to record.
Josh, the main character, buys a chair on Ebay and sets out from New York on a road trip with girlfriend Emily. They soon pick up Rhett, the first of many errors on the journey. The goal is the delivery of the chair to Atlanta as a gift for
their father's birthday.
The show is fairly fast moving, it mostly kept my attention, which means a lot, coming from me. It's shot in "shaky-cam" style, using a Panasonic AG-DVX100A. The first act incorporates a lot of this motion, less as the film goes on (thank god,
it was making me queasy!).
It's well scripted, although I read there was much adlibbing it's not apparent. The acting and dialogue are fantastic, especially for a seemingly low-budget film.
The director, Jay Duplass, later went on to act in "Nights and Weekends". Mark Duplass co-wrote and plays the main character. The film was released in
2006, check into Wikipedia or IMDB for more on the brothers.
I highly recommend viewing the film, especially for aspiring screenwriters. It shows how characters and dialogue are much more important than a particular
setting or effect. or effect. ENJOY!
Sunday, August 23, 2009
UNDERWATER
EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
A TAPPING sound BREAKS the silence.
It's Brian at the KEYBOARD, speedily knocking out the BLOG. With an AUDIENCE of CRABGRASS seed heads, he RACES against time...and NATURE.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Whilst googling for screenwriters on my phone last night, I came upon a site, which I will not name, that purported to be the best screenwriting publication for screenwriters.
(beat)
It was filled with inspiring quotes from many successful scribes, giving tips in bold print. Seeing all those names and the works they've produced made me realize how many screenwriters there are, which is one helluva lot.
(beat)
I scrolled down, sucking in the advice, then came along a soul which had only one credit to his name: "Waterworld".
(beat)
I know what you're thinking.
(beat)
Hey, I liked Waterworld, I don't expect much from those types of films because of the action, in fact, all I expect is action. I've never seen a bad James Bond film because I never expect anything, so whatever comes is a good surprise.
(beat)
I've heard a lot of criticism and reference, bad reference, to Waterworld. It's unfair, so I automatically feel sorry for this guy. Imagine when he was trying to get listed on this site, when they asked what his credentials were.
INT. SCREENWRITING GROUP OFFICE - DAY
WRITER #1
(laughing)
He said his only credit is WATERWORLD!
WRITER #2
He admitted to writing it?
WRITER #1
At least he's honest, I would've lied and said GIGLI!!!
EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
Fortunately, most writer's aren't so mean-spirited like that, they've all suffered at the hands of executives, producers, and directors who took liberties with their script. Do you really believe that the writer from "Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot", actually wrote what appeared on film? To save face, Sylvester Stallone berated the script.
(beat)
So, if it's any concession, I'll give the Waterworld screenwriter a well-deserved link.
PETER RADER
A TAPPING sound BREAKS the silence.
It's Brian at the KEYBOARD, speedily knocking out the BLOG. With an AUDIENCE of CRABGRASS seed heads, he RACES against time...and NATURE.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Whilst googling for screenwriters on my phone last night, I came upon a site, which I will not name, that purported to be the best screenwriting publication for screenwriters.
(beat)
It was filled with inspiring quotes from many successful scribes, giving tips in bold print. Seeing all those names and the works they've produced made me realize how many screenwriters there are, which is one helluva lot.
(beat)
I scrolled down, sucking in the advice, then came along a soul which had only one credit to his name: "Waterworld".
(beat)
I know what you're thinking.
(beat)
Hey, I liked Waterworld, I don't expect much from those types of films because of the action, in fact, all I expect is action. I've never seen a bad James Bond film because I never expect anything, so whatever comes is a good surprise.
(beat)
I've heard a lot of criticism and reference, bad reference, to Waterworld. It's unfair, so I automatically feel sorry for this guy. Imagine when he was trying to get listed on this site, when they asked what his credentials were.
INT. SCREENWRITING GROUP OFFICE - DAY
WRITER #1
(laughing)
He said his only credit is WATERWORLD!
WRITER #2
He admitted to writing it?
WRITER #1
At least he's honest, I would've lied and said GIGLI!!!
EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
Fortunately, most writer's aren't so mean-spirited like that, they've all suffered at the hands of executives, producers, and directors who took liberties with their script. Do you really believe that the writer from "Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot", actually wrote what appeared on film? To save face, Sylvester Stallone berated the script.
(beat)
So, if it's any concession, I'll give the Waterworld screenwriter a well-deserved link.
PETER RADER
Saturday, August 22, 2009
THE GREEN CRABGRASS OF HOME
INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
The HUMMING of the air conditioning unit is hypnotizing.
The sun, having just risen, is scorching.
The mosquito bite on Brian's wrist, still itching.
The crabgrass, still growing.
BRIAN (V.O.)
It's a once-weekly, ceremonious day here on the self-dubbed "Plantation".
MAUS
(silently)
Friday?
BRIAN (V.O.)
Yes, but more specifically, the "Cutting of the Crabgrass" day.
MAUS
(silently)
Oh.
CUT TO:
INT. GARAGE - DAY
We see a small tire, as we zoom out there is the faint outline of a riding lawn mower in the dark garage. We can barely make out the letters on the Sears Craftsman decal.
CUT TO:
INT. RACETRACK PIT ROW - DAY
We pan across several stalls, crews working furiously on NASCAR vehicles. A mechanic mounts a tire using an air gun. In the next stall a man cleans the windshield. At the last stall we see Brian working on his lawnmower, filling the right front tire using a can of "Fix a Flat".
BRIAN
C'mon, there has to be more in this can!
LOUDSPEAKER
(filtered)
Five minutes, racers, five minutes and counting.
BRIAN
Shit!
Brian pulls the hose off the tire nipple, throwing the can in the corner. He dons his professional full-faced helmet and leather racing gloves. On the back of his white leathers, the sponsor reads "SEARS", as he climbs onto the seat.
BRIAN
CONTACT!!
He turns the key and the engine fires.
CUT TO:
EXT. GRANDSTAND - DAY
We see the cars emerging from their boxes in disarray, all taxiing to the track line. And then one small vehicle, Brian on the mower.
ANNOUNCER
(filtered)
..and a new racer today, rookie Brian Bullard, on the Sears Craftsman mower!
CROWD
BOO!!
CUT TO:
EXT PIT ROW - DAY
We are in Brian's seat as Jeff Gordon pulls in front of him sideways, blocking his path. Gordon looks out the window.
JEFF GORDON
Haa! Your blades sharpened up, lil' buddy?
Our glove rises in a one finger salute.
Gordon burns out, leaving a cloud of smoke.
BRIAN
(coughing)
-!
DISSOLVE TO:
MONTAGE:
A) Brian is at the starting line, racers revving.
B) We see Brian riding in a turn at five miles per hour, racers passing at one hundred fifty miles per hour on the outside.
C) The grandstand crowd is mocking Brian as he passes slowly.
D) We see him pulling into the pits with a flat right front tire.
E) Brian is sitting, moping in the box. A monitor shows the cars crossing the line with the checkered flag, Jeff Gordon winning.
CUT TO:
INT. PIT BOX - DAY
Brian sits on the mower, silently, helmet in his lap, red locks drenched.
Jeff Gordon appears, standing behind him.
JEFF GORDON
Brian?
BRIAN
(defeated)
Yeah?
JEFF GORDON
Better luck next time!
BRIAN
Yep.
JEFF GORDON
We still on for tomorrow?
BRIAN
If you're weed whacking.
JEFF GORDON
Can you cut it to three inches this time? Like to leave it longer in late summer.
BRIAN
No prob.
JEFF GORDON
Thanks man!
BRIAN
See ya, Jeff.
FADE OUT
The HUMMING of the air conditioning unit is hypnotizing.
The sun, having just risen, is scorching.
The mosquito bite on Brian's wrist, still itching.
The crabgrass, still growing.
BRIAN (V.O.)
It's a once-weekly, ceremonious day here on the self-dubbed "Plantation".
MAUS
(silently)
Friday?
BRIAN (V.O.)
Yes, but more specifically, the "Cutting of the Crabgrass" day.
MAUS
(silently)
Oh.
CUT TO:
INT. GARAGE - DAY
We see a small tire, as we zoom out there is the faint outline of a riding lawn mower in the dark garage. We can barely make out the letters on the Sears Craftsman decal.
CUT TO:
INT. RACETRACK PIT ROW - DAY
We pan across several stalls, crews working furiously on NASCAR vehicles. A mechanic mounts a tire using an air gun. In the next stall a man cleans the windshield. At the last stall we see Brian working on his lawnmower, filling the right front tire using a can of "Fix a Flat".
BRIAN
C'mon, there has to be more in this can!
LOUDSPEAKER
(filtered)
Five minutes, racers, five minutes and counting.
BRIAN
Shit!
Brian pulls the hose off the tire nipple, throwing the can in the corner. He dons his professional full-faced helmet and leather racing gloves. On the back of his white leathers, the sponsor reads "SEARS", as he climbs onto the seat.
BRIAN
CONTACT!!
He turns the key and the engine fires.
CUT TO:
EXT. GRANDSTAND - DAY
We see the cars emerging from their boxes in disarray, all taxiing to the track line. And then one small vehicle, Brian on the mower.
ANNOUNCER
(filtered)
..and a new racer today, rookie Brian Bullard, on the Sears Craftsman mower!
CROWD
BOO!!
CUT TO:
EXT PIT ROW - DAY
We are in Brian's seat as Jeff Gordon pulls in front of him sideways, blocking his path. Gordon looks out the window.
JEFF GORDON
Haa! Your blades sharpened up, lil' buddy?
Our glove rises in a one finger salute.
Gordon burns out, leaving a cloud of smoke.
BRIAN
(coughing)
-!
DISSOLVE TO:
MONTAGE:
A) Brian is at the starting line, racers revving.
B) We see Brian riding in a turn at five miles per hour, racers passing at one hundred fifty miles per hour on the outside.
C) The grandstand crowd is mocking Brian as he passes slowly.
D) We see him pulling into the pits with a flat right front tire.
E) Brian is sitting, moping in the box. A monitor shows the cars crossing the line with the checkered flag, Jeff Gordon winning.
CUT TO:
INT. PIT BOX - DAY
Brian sits on the mower, silently, helmet in his lap, red locks drenched.
Jeff Gordon appears, standing behind him.
JEFF GORDON
Brian?
BRIAN
(defeated)
Yeah?
JEFF GORDON
Better luck next time!
BRIAN
Yep.
JEFF GORDON
We still on for tomorrow?
BRIAN
If you're weed whacking.
JEFF GORDON
Can you cut it to three inches this time? Like to leave it longer in late summer.
BRIAN
No prob.
JEFF GORDON
Thanks man!
BRIAN
See ya, Jeff.
FADE OUT
Friday, August 21, 2009
SEED MONEY
INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
A bluejay lands on the dogwood tree outside the screen. He sqwawks about the lack of seed in the empty feeders. He rotates his head, almost robotically, emitting sounds after each move.
BLUEJAY
(angrily)
Gimme some damn seed!!
BRIAN
Well, hello, little guy, can I interest you in a health care program?
BLUEJAY
What? I said seed!! Gimme some seed!!
BRIAN
One moment, I have here a report from the Bureau of Labor Statistics. It shows that we're not losing as much seed as we have in previous months.
BLUEJAY
(pissed)
Because they're none left to eat, you dumbass!! Fill the feeder, I want some seed!
BRIAN
In fact, we're saving seed by not refilling feeders.
BLUEJAY
(cynically)
No shit? Then where do I eat? Where do I get seed?
BRIAN
Well, we have incorporated a new program: instead of wasting seeding by simply feeding it to birds, we will plant the seed, providing crops, which will produce more seed.
BLUEJAY
And when will the crops be good for harvest?
BRIAN
By two-thousand-eleven, I believe.
BLUEJAY
WHAT??
BRIAN
Yes, isn't it amazing? It's also a sustainable, a green technology at its best. And, we're providing work for those who plant seeds!
BLUEJAY
I'm a freaking bluejay, I don't plant seed, I eat it!
BRIAN
New seed planting jobs rose by one percent last quarter.
BLUEJAY
Look dude, that's neat and all, I guess that is some positive news. The problem is that I do what I do, you can't simply retrain a bird to plant seed, I would starve in the process. It's my job just to find the seed and eat it, I've done that all of my life.
BRIAN
Studies show that new baby birds are interested in seed technology..
BLUEJAY
WHAT?? They're interested in eating it, that's about it.
BRIAN
..and that the seed program will result in more nests built.
BLUEJAY
Don't get me started on nests, I damn near lost my nest this year! In fact, I had a cowbird in there, ever have to raise a cowbird? It cost me a lot of seed, seed I didn't have to spend!
BRIAN
Trends show that nest losses have nearly bottomed out..
BLUEJAY
Yeah, like seed losses? Get the correlation there? No new nests, less seed being eaten? That makes for a lot of starving, homeless birds.
BRIAN
..and we are optimistic about next quarter's...
BLUEJAY
I've had it! You know, if I were an eagle, or some other big-assed bird, I'd fly to some other country. I'd fly there and get some seed from people that understand that birds need to be fed, not trained to plant seed.
BRIAN
..and like our foreign friends, we're looking to implement a health care program for..
BLUEJAY
You're gonna need it with all these starving, homeless birds flying around!
The bluejay flies off in his fruitless search for seed. Brian goes back to typing his script, confident that the bird will one day "get it".
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. BLUE SKY - MORNING
A thick, swirling mass appears overhead, like tiny synchronized dots in motion. It's thousands of birds, it appears they are headed in Brian's direction.
BRIAN
(scared)
HOLY...
BIRDS
(loudly)
SEED! We're coming to get our seed, you bastard!!
FADE OUT
A bluejay lands on the dogwood tree outside the screen. He sqwawks about the lack of seed in the empty feeders. He rotates his head, almost robotically, emitting sounds after each move.
BLUEJAY
(angrily)
Gimme some damn seed!!
BRIAN
Well, hello, little guy, can I interest you in a health care program?
BLUEJAY
What? I said seed!! Gimme some seed!!
BRIAN
One moment, I have here a report from the Bureau of Labor Statistics. It shows that we're not losing as much seed as we have in previous months.
BLUEJAY
(pissed)
Because they're none left to eat, you dumbass!! Fill the feeder, I want some seed!
BRIAN
In fact, we're saving seed by not refilling feeders.
BLUEJAY
(cynically)
No shit? Then where do I eat? Where do I get seed?
BRIAN
Well, we have incorporated a new program: instead of wasting seeding by simply feeding it to birds, we will plant the seed, providing crops, which will produce more seed.
BLUEJAY
And when will the crops be good for harvest?
BRIAN
By two-thousand-eleven, I believe.
BLUEJAY
WHAT??
BRIAN
Yes, isn't it amazing? It's also a sustainable, a green technology at its best. And, we're providing work for those who plant seeds!
BLUEJAY
I'm a freaking bluejay, I don't plant seed, I eat it!
BRIAN
New seed planting jobs rose by one percent last quarter.
BLUEJAY
Look dude, that's neat and all, I guess that is some positive news. The problem is that I do what I do, you can't simply retrain a bird to plant seed, I would starve in the process. It's my job just to find the seed and eat it, I've done that all of my life.
BRIAN
Studies show that new baby birds are interested in seed technology..
BLUEJAY
WHAT?? They're interested in eating it, that's about it.
BRIAN
..and that the seed program will result in more nests built.
BLUEJAY
Don't get me started on nests, I damn near lost my nest this year! In fact, I had a cowbird in there, ever have to raise a cowbird? It cost me a lot of seed, seed I didn't have to spend!
BRIAN
Trends show that nest losses have nearly bottomed out..
BLUEJAY
Yeah, like seed losses? Get the correlation there? No new nests, less seed being eaten? That makes for a lot of starving, homeless birds.
BRIAN
..and we are optimistic about next quarter's...
BLUEJAY
I've had it! You know, if I were an eagle, or some other big-assed bird, I'd fly to some other country. I'd fly there and get some seed from people that understand that birds need to be fed, not trained to plant seed.
BRIAN
..and like our foreign friends, we're looking to implement a health care program for..
BLUEJAY
You're gonna need it with all these starving, homeless birds flying around!
The bluejay flies off in his fruitless search for seed. Brian goes back to typing his script, confident that the bird will one day "get it".
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. BLUE SKY - MORNING
A thick, swirling mass appears overhead, like tiny synchronized dots in motion. It's thousands of birds, it appears they are headed in Brian's direction.
BRIAN
(scared)
HOLY...
BIRDS
(loudly)
SEED! We're coming to get our seed, you bastard!!
FADE OUT
Thursday, August 20, 2009
CAPTIVE
INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
We see Brian, leaning over the Dell.
He turns his left palm upward, observing a small, red, raised patch on his wrist.
It itches.
BRIAN
Damn mosquito!
BRIAN (V.O.)
Good morning. First off, if you're still reading this, I'd like to thank you. Thanks for checking out my blog even if you accidentally landed here looking for "real" tips on screenwriting, because I have no "tips", just examples and thoughts.
If you know anything about format or vernacular, and are still reading, again I thank you. I have, like any amateur scribe, offended numerous times with my excessive use of capitals and beats. And the layout of this blog is not exactly in proper script format, but not a bad mock thereof.
Yes, I was overly impressed with Shane Black's action writing.
CUT TO:
INT. BLACK SCRIPT PAGE - DAY
We see the text.
A BLUE CAR fishtails around the turn.
A RED TRUCK follows.
A CEMENT TRUCK rolls over and CRUSHES both of them.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Yes, seeing this guy's work made me want to capitalize any word I thought was important. I was worse than a grandma who has discovered the internet and decided it's easiest to email if she uses that ever-so-neat "Caps Lock" button on the keyboard.
And the parentheticals, I know, any director or actor would cringe at the number I use. Especially the content, I think "pissed" is my favorite parenthetical but I'm not sure if it's used in the professional world.
But, in a positive light, I have stayed at least somewhat entertaining. If I can hear a laugh from my lovely wife while she is reading the blog, that's worth a laugh from hundreds of people in a theater. I then feel validated.
And my consistency has been good. I've been steadily delivering posts. Half the reason of keeping the blog is to show that I am consistent, and persistent.
So, as of today, I promise not to go overboard with the caps anymore, they will be limited only to sounds and when I introduce new characters.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROWBOAT - DAY
BLACKBEARD sits at the stern, POUNDING his wooden leg on the side of the decrepit boat.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Yeah, something like that.
BLACKBEARD
(loudly)
Row, you hunchback!
BRIAN (V.O.)
Yes, like that.
HUNCHBACK
(pissed)
DAMMIT! I'll DUMP you off THAT STERN, PEG-LEG!
BRIAN (V.O.)
Oh no, no, less like that.
FADE OUT
We see Brian, leaning over the Dell.
He turns his left palm upward, observing a small, red, raised patch on his wrist.
It itches.
BRIAN
Damn mosquito!
BRIAN (V.O.)
Good morning. First off, if you're still reading this, I'd like to thank you. Thanks for checking out my blog even if you accidentally landed here looking for "real" tips on screenwriting, because I have no "tips", just examples and thoughts.
If you know anything about format or vernacular, and are still reading, again I thank you. I have, like any amateur scribe, offended numerous times with my excessive use of capitals and beats. And the layout of this blog is not exactly in proper script format, but not a bad mock thereof.
Yes, I was overly impressed with Shane Black's action writing.
CUT TO:
INT. BLACK SCRIPT PAGE - DAY
We see the text.
A BLUE CAR fishtails around the turn.
A RED TRUCK follows.
A CEMENT TRUCK rolls over and CRUSHES both of them.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Yes, seeing this guy's work made me want to capitalize any word I thought was important. I was worse than a grandma who has discovered the internet and decided it's easiest to email if she uses that ever-so-neat "Caps Lock" button on the keyboard.
And the parentheticals, I know, any director or actor would cringe at the number I use. Especially the content, I think "pissed" is my favorite parenthetical but I'm not sure if it's used in the professional world.
But, in a positive light, I have stayed at least somewhat entertaining. If I can hear a laugh from my lovely wife while she is reading the blog, that's worth a laugh from hundreds of people in a theater. I then feel validated.
And my consistency has been good. I've been steadily delivering posts. Half the reason of keeping the blog is to show that I am consistent, and persistent.
So, as of today, I promise not to go overboard with the caps anymore, they will be limited only to sounds and when I introduce new characters.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROWBOAT - DAY
BLACKBEARD sits at the stern, POUNDING his wooden leg on the side of the decrepit boat.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Yeah, something like that.
BLACKBEARD
(loudly)
Row, you hunchback!
BRIAN (V.O.)
Yes, like that.
HUNCHBACK
(pissed)
DAMMIT! I'll DUMP you off THAT STERN, PEG-LEG!
BRIAN (V.O.)
Oh no, no, less like that.
FADE OUT
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY
INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
Rays of SUNLIGHT illuminate two cylindrical BIRD FEEDERS.
A green garden HOSE snakes through the CRABGRASS, nurturing a small CRABTREE on a dirt MOUND.
BRIAN (V.O.)
We could use some rain. As much as I'd like to deprive every blade of crabgrass its moisture, the plants and trees need water. What a by-product of this cycle, that damned grass.
(beat)
Which is much like writing: sometimes strange little by-products grow out during my typing journey, and if they're interesting I can feed them. A lot are just pegged for a big squirt of "Round-Up", there are some ideas that shouldn't be allowed to grow.
EXT. CORN FIELD - DAY
From between rows of CORN we see the front of a low, incoming, WHITE PLANE, light REFLECTING off the COCKPIT. It BUZZES over our heads, leaving a thick WAFT of WIND and SPRAY, sending the CROP HEADS waving.
CUT TO:
INT. CROP DUSTER - DAY
We see the pilot, it's Brian, he pulls hard back on the STICK, sending the plane straight UP. He applies RUDDER and spins 180 degrees on axis, DIVING back down in perfect line with the CORNROWS.
BRIAN
(loudly)
YEAH! Textbook IMMELMAN maneuver!!
As he comes down for another run, he spots the SILHOUETTE of an approaching AIRCRAFT, directly out of the sun.
BRIAN
(surprised)
BOGEY? What the..
Following BOELCKE'S DICTA, he chooses to face the oncoming craft HEAD ON, giving full throttle.
BRIAN
(determined)
Come on, mother..
CUT TO:
EXT. VILLAIN'S BI-PLANE - DAY
We zoom in on the aged BI-PLANE. It's a SPUTTERING matte-black bird, patched with silver DUCT TAPE. In bright yellow-green script the moniker "CRABGRASS" is painted on its dented sides.
The planes pass at TOP SPEED in a NEAR COLLISION.
CUT TO:
INT. CROP DUSTER - DAY
BRIAN
(pissed)
F'n CRABGRASS!!
Brian pulls another IMMELMAN, setting him directly on the TAIL of the AGRESSOR, who is dropping a LARGE load of CRABGRASS seed into the CORNROWS. The CESSNA easily catches up to the ragged BI-PLANE.
BRIAN
(angrily)
In my sights now you..
The CESSNA BARREL ROLLS, releasing a thick MIST of ROUND-UP, enveloping the BI-PLANE. The AGGRESSOR'S craft coughs and SPUTTERS, quickly TURNING AWAY from the fight. It LIMPS away in DEFEAT.
BRIAN
There's more where that came from, buddy!
The alabaster CESSNA RISES in VICTORY, spiraling straight up in a CORKSCREW, a symbolic, aerodynamic FIST PUMP!
Just then there is a DEAD SILENCE, the ENGINE HAS CUT OUT! Brian FIGHTS to maintain CONTROL.
BRIAN
(worried)
HOLY!!..
WIth the CRAFT righted and GLIDING, Brian seeks out a LANDING SPOT among the geometrical forms of EARTH, chosing a BRIGHT green, small square near a FARMHOUSE.
BRIAN
(clenching)
This is it, c'mon baby..
The plane DIVES for the PATCH, Brian releasing the FLAPS to slow descent in the last possible second.
FWOOSH!!! The plane's landing is PADDED by the thick, lush green VEGETATION.
BRIAN
(relieved)
Oh man, thank god for this...
He peers out the window to see what SAVED him from the POTENTIALLY FATAL CRASH.
BRIAN
(pissed)
CRABGRASS???
FADE OUT!
Rays of SUNLIGHT illuminate two cylindrical BIRD FEEDERS.
A green garden HOSE snakes through the CRABGRASS, nurturing a small CRABTREE on a dirt MOUND.
BRIAN (V.O.)
We could use some rain. As much as I'd like to deprive every blade of crabgrass its moisture, the plants and trees need water. What a by-product of this cycle, that damned grass.
(beat)
Which is much like writing: sometimes strange little by-products grow out during my typing journey, and if they're interesting I can feed them. A lot are just pegged for a big squirt of "Round-Up", there are some ideas that shouldn't be allowed to grow.
EXT. CORN FIELD - DAY
From between rows of CORN we see the front of a low, incoming, WHITE PLANE, light REFLECTING off the COCKPIT. It BUZZES over our heads, leaving a thick WAFT of WIND and SPRAY, sending the CROP HEADS waving.
CUT TO:
INT. CROP DUSTER - DAY
We see the pilot, it's Brian, he pulls hard back on the STICK, sending the plane straight UP. He applies RUDDER and spins 180 degrees on axis, DIVING back down in perfect line with the CORNROWS.
BRIAN
(loudly)
YEAH! Textbook IMMELMAN maneuver!!
As he comes down for another run, he spots the SILHOUETTE of an approaching AIRCRAFT, directly out of the sun.
BRIAN
(surprised)
BOGEY? What the..
Following BOELCKE'S DICTA, he chooses to face the oncoming craft HEAD ON, giving full throttle.
BRIAN
(determined)
Come on, mother..
CUT TO:
EXT. VILLAIN'S BI-PLANE - DAY
We zoom in on the aged BI-PLANE. It's a SPUTTERING matte-black bird, patched with silver DUCT TAPE. In bright yellow-green script the moniker "CRABGRASS" is painted on its dented sides.
The planes pass at TOP SPEED in a NEAR COLLISION.
CUT TO:
INT. CROP DUSTER - DAY
BRIAN
(pissed)
F'n CRABGRASS!!
Brian pulls another IMMELMAN, setting him directly on the TAIL of the AGRESSOR, who is dropping a LARGE load of CRABGRASS seed into the CORNROWS. The CESSNA easily catches up to the ragged BI-PLANE.
BRIAN
(angrily)
In my sights now you..
The CESSNA BARREL ROLLS, releasing a thick MIST of ROUND-UP, enveloping the BI-PLANE. The AGGRESSOR'S craft coughs and SPUTTERS, quickly TURNING AWAY from the fight. It LIMPS away in DEFEAT.
BRIAN
There's more where that came from, buddy!
The alabaster CESSNA RISES in VICTORY, spiraling straight up in a CORKSCREW, a symbolic, aerodynamic FIST PUMP!
Just then there is a DEAD SILENCE, the ENGINE HAS CUT OUT! Brian FIGHTS to maintain CONTROL.
BRIAN
(worried)
HOLY!!..
WIth the CRAFT righted and GLIDING, Brian seeks out a LANDING SPOT among the geometrical forms of EARTH, chosing a BRIGHT green, small square near a FARMHOUSE.
BRIAN
(clenching)
This is it, c'mon baby..
The plane DIVES for the PATCH, Brian releasing the FLAPS to slow descent in the last possible second.
FWOOSH!!! The plane's landing is PADDED by the thick, lush green VEGETATION.
BRIAN
(relieved)
Oh man, thank god for this...
He peers out the window to see what SAVED him from the POTENTIALLY FATAL CRASH.
BRIAN
(pissed)
CRABGRASS???
FADE OUT!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
SENT TO THE CLEANERS
INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
Brian sits at his LAPTOP, looking at REAL ESTATE in LOS ANGELES.
BRIAN
Okay, somewhere on this map there is a producer or studio looking for my script, I just have to find which one!
CUT TO:
EXT. LOS ANGELES STREETS - DAY
Brian criss-crosses L.A. in his VAN, stack of SCRIPTS on the passenger seat.
TITLE OVER:
L.A., SUMMER, 2010
BRIAN
Where in the hell is PARAMOUNT? I swear that receptionist was trying to mislead me with bad directions..
GPS
(filtered)
Turn RIGHT in FIFTY METERS.
BRIAN
What the..
Cars HONK as Brian tries to get into the RIGHT LANE. He holds a copy of the SCRIPT out the window, as to signal that he is LOST and trying to find a STUDIO.
ASSININE DRIVER #1
(laughing)
This guy is surrendering a script, look at his white flag! Must be from France!
Brian overtakes a SMART CAR to get in the lane.
SMART CAR DRIVER
Gas guzzler mini-van, freaking soccer mom!
GPS
(filtered)
Turn RIGHT.
Brian pulls a SHARP RIGHT, sending the pile of SCRIPTS into his LAP.
BRIAN
Son-of-a...
GPS
(filtered)
Destination is THIRTY METERS, on the RIGHT.
BRIAN
This a a freaking neighborhood!
Brian pulls forward to see the SIGN for PARAMOUNT DRY CLEANERS.
BRIAN
You're kidding me? Man, I'll never make this appointment..
CELL PHONE
(ringing)
!!!
BRIAN
(answers)
Hello?
EXECUTIVE
(filtered)
Brian? Where are you?
BRIAN
Umm, sir, I'm lost, sorry sir, I tried to...
EXECUTIVE
(filtered)
Are you at the cleaners?
BRIAN
(astounded)
How did you know?
EXECUTIVE
(filtered)
Think I was going to let a rookie in here without having him pick up my dry cleaning first? HA!
BRIAN
Oh.
FADE OUT
Brian sits at his LAPTOP, looking at REAL ESTATE in LOS ANGELES.
BRIAN
Okay, somewhere on this map there is a producer or studio looking for my script, I just have to find which one!
CUT TO:
EXT. LOS ANGELES STREETS - DAY
Brian criss-crosses L.A. in his VAN, stack of SCRIPTS on the passenger seat.
TITLE OVER:
L.A., SUMMER, 2010
BRIAN
Where in the hell is PARAMOUNT? I swear that receptionist was trying to mislead me with bad directions..
GPS
(filtered)
Turn RIGHT in FIFTY METERS.
BRIAN
What the..
Cars HONK as Brian tries to get into the RIGHT LANE. He holds a copy of the SCRIPT out the window, as to signal that he is LOST and trying to find a STUDIO.
ASSININE DRIVER #1
(laughing)
This guy is surrendering a script, look at his white flag! Must be from France!
Brian overtakes a SMART CAR to get in the lane.
SMART CAR DRIVER
Gas guzzler mini-van, freaking soccer mom!
GPS
(filtered)
Turn RIGHT.
Brian pulls a SHARP RIGHT, sending the pile of SCRIPTS into his LAP.
BRIAN
Son-of-a...
GPS
(filtered)
Destination is THIRTY METERS, on the RIGHT.
BRIAN
This a a freaking neighborhood!
Brian pulls forward to see the SIGN for PARAMOUNT DRY CLEANERS.
BRIAN
You're kidding me? Man, I'll never make this appointment..
CELL PHONE
(ringing)
!!!
BRIAN
(answers)
Hello?
EXECUTIVE
(filtered)
Brian? Where are you?
BRIAN
Umm, sir, I'm lost, sorry sir, I tried to...
EXECUTIVE
(filtered)
Are you at the cleaners?
BRIAN
(astounded)
How did you know?
EXECUTIVE
(filtered)
Think I was going to let a rookie in here without having him pick up my dry cleaning first? HA!
BRIAN
Oh.
FADE OUT
Monday, August 17, 2009
THE GOODS
MOVIE REVIEW
THE GOODS: LIVE HARD, SELL HARD
With a Saturday afternoon free, me and my lovely wife head to the local cinema, I mean the ONLY cinema within a fifty-mile radius here, and have decided on THE GOODS: LIVE HARD, SELL HARD.
Why, of all things, would we chose this over "G-FORCE" or "THE PROPOSAL"? Because of JEREMY PIVEN, that's why. We wanted more than the scant thirty minutes we get of him each week on HBO's "ENTOURAGE".
Piven plays "Don Ready", a pinch hitter for the car sales industry. He and his team seek out failing auto dealers who need to make big sales in a squeeze.
There are lots of familiar faces in the cast: James Brolin owns the failing dealership. Ed Helms, of "The Office" and "Hangover" fame plays Paxton Harding, Brolin's future son-in-law, an adult boy-band singer (he calls it a "man-band"). David Koechner, Kathryn Hahn, and Ving Rhames round out the hit squad sales crew.
The storyline is quite obvious: failing car dealership contracts with super-sales team, the ride is up and down but they come out on top. You're not paying for an intricate or surprising concept here.
Instead, your dollars go into ninety minutes of a few good jokes, some raunch, and two "sitcom-gone-sad" moments that are quickly over (thank god). In all, if we divide the ninety minutes by the $12.00 ticket fee, we get $0.13 cents a minute of entertainment. It's better than calling someone for that rate and listening them use the "F-word", as much as used in the film, but with less pizzazz.
For this "newbee" screenwriter, there were a few things learned. Before the show started I wanted to see if it would coincide with the "ACT" formula for acts 1, 2a, 2b, and 3. I used 22 minutes as a rough estimate and the change of acts came out on perfect timing.
Also, casting is everything, not that I will have choices in that department, but if Piven calls me for a role, it's on!
The audience loves knowing something the other's don't, of course. This is played up when Piven believes a young salesman might be his long, lost son, but he isn't.
The unexpected: it helps to bring up many unexpected moments, even in act three. That whole portion doesn't need to seem focused around one resolution with an obvious answer.
As far as the script, I think there was a lot of tinkering and ad-libbing. The screenwriting team of STOCK and STEMPSON did get the full writing credit, however.
So all in all, the film validated a few thoughts for me: stay with the ACT formula, hope big elements get attached, and get full writing credit...unless the film sucks, and I'll leave that opinion up to you.
THE GOODS: LIVE HARD, SELL HARD
With a Saturday afternoon free, me and my lovely wife head to the local cinema, I mean the ONLY cinema within a fifty-mile radius here, and have decided on THE GOODS: LIVE HARD, SELL HARD.
Why, of all things, would we chose this over "G-FORCE" or "THE PROPOSAL"? Because of JEREMY PIVEN, that's why. We wanted more than the scant thirty minutes we get of him each week on HBO's "ENTOURAGE".
Piven plays "Don Ready", a pinch hitter for the car sales industry. He and his team seek out failing auto dealers who need to make big sales in a squeeze.
There are lots of familiar faces in the cast: James Brolin owns the failing dealership. Ed Helms, of "The Office" and "Hangover" fame plays Paxton Harding, Brolin's future son-in-law, an adult boy-band singer (he calls it a "man-band"). David Koechner, Kathryn Hahn, and Ving Rhames round out the hit squad sales crew.
The storyline is quite obvious: failing car dealership contracts with super-sales team, the ride is up and down but they come out on top. You're not paying for an intricate or surprising concept here.
Instead, your dollars go into ninety minutes of a few good jokes, some raunch, and two "sitcom-gone-sad" moments that are quickly over (thank god). In all, if we divide the ninety minutes by the $12.00 ticket fee, we get $0.13 cents a minute of entertainment. It's better than calling someone for that rate and listening them use the "F-word", as much as used in the film, but with less pizzazz.
For this "newbee" screenwriter, there were a few things learned. Before the show started I wanted to see if it would coincide with the "ACT" formula for acts 1, 2a, 2b, and 3. I used 22 minutes as a rough estimate and the change of acts came out on perfect timing.
Also, casting is everything, not that I will have choices in that department, but if Piven calls me for a role, it's on!
The audience loves knowing something the other's don't, of course. This is played up when Piven believes a young salesman might be his long, lost son, but he isn't.
The unexpected: it helps to bring up many unexpected moments, even in act three. That whole portion doesn't need to seem focused around one resolution with an obvious answer.
As far as the script, I think there was a lot of tinkering and ad-libbing. The screenwriting team of STOCK and STEMPSON did get the full writing credit, however.
So all in all, the film validated a few thoughts for me: stay with the ACT formula, hope big elements get attached, and get full writing credit...unless the film sucks, and I'll leave that opinion up to you.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
A SPUTTERING sound ENVELOPES the AIR.
Brian DASHES to the SCREEN, EYES DARTING around the SKY.
It's a low flying BI-PLANE over the BULLARD RESIDENCE.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Makes me want to work on the RED BARON script I thought of.
(beat)
Week two of my scriptwriting experience is coming to an end. It's been another successful week of writing and learning. Probably the best thing I've learned is what most wannabe screenwriters don't want to hear: it's not easy.
(beat)
Truth be told, nobody wants to hear the truth about any profession they're hoping to break into.
INT. CLASSROOM - MORNING
Brian stands in front of another ENTHUSIASTIC GROUP of STUDENTS who want to get into the BUSINESS of DECORATIVE PAINTING.
BRIAN
(charming)
Good morning, class!
STUDENTS
(thrilled)
Good morning!
BRIAN
Okay, we've painted a lot, covered the fundamentals and techniques of the art, now we're diving into the business portion, namely the act of pricing your faux finishes and creating a contract for your client.
STUDENTS
-?
BRIAN
Yep, if you want to get paid for your art, you have to know the business.
ARTSY TYPE STUDENT #1
Can we paint another sample first? That was FUN!
BRIAN
I'm glad you enjoyed that, but no, now to price it.
CRAFTY STUDENT #1
But in the brochure it said we would be painting most of the time?
BRIAN
It did, and you did, we did, now we need to spend a fraction of that time on the business part. Without that, you won't be doing much painting, or at least for money.
HOUSEWIFE TYPE STUDENT #1
I just came to learn how to paint my own house, so can I go back to painting?
BRIAN
Sure, okay, fine, paint another sample.
ARTSY TYPE STUDENT #1
Can I help her?
CRAFTY STUDENT #1
And can I?
BRIAN
Okay, you guys paid $1500 for the course, if you want to paint the whole time I'm not going to force this down your throats. But you'll never have business if you don't learn the info.
CRAFTY STUDENT #1
Sure we will, it just takes the RIGHT client.
HOUSEWIFE TYPE STUDENT #1
And CONTACTS.
TITLE OVER:
ONE MONTH LATER
Brian's cell phone RINGS.
BRIAN
Hello?
INTERCUT WITH:
ARTSY TYPE STUDENT #1
(filtered)
Brian, hi, I had a few questions now that I'm back home.
BRIAN
Sure, go ahead.
ARTSY TYPE STUDENT #1
(filtered)
How do I price my work?
BRIAN
I don't know, maybe find a contact to get the right client?
EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
BRIAN (V.O.)
And that was my big lesson this week, how much people are paying NOT to be in the screenplay business. They're forking out a lot at universities and seminars, just to go against their instructor's good advice. I read that the bulk just believe it takes making contacts and landing their script in the "right" hands. My mentor says that's not the truth. Many can't handle the truth.
(beat)
Lucky me!
A SPUTTERING sound ENVELOPES the AIR.
Brian DASHES to the SCREEN, EYES DARTING around the SKY.
It's a low flying BI-PLANE over the BULLARD RESIDENCE.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Makes me want to work on the RED BARON script I thought of.
(beat)
Week two of my scriptwriting experience is coming to an end. It's been another successful week of writing and learning. Probably the best thing I've learned is what most wannabe screenwriters don't want to hear: it's not easy.
(beat)
Truth be told, nobody wants to hear the truth about any profession they're hoping to break into.
INT. CLASSROOM - MORNING
Brian stands in front of another ENTHUSIASTIC GROUP of STUDENTS who want to get into the BUSINESS of DECORATIVE PAINTING.
BRIAN
(charming)
Good morning, class!
STUDENTS
(thrilled)
Good morning!
BRIAN
Okay, we've painted a lot, covered the fundamentals and techniques of the art, now we're diving into the business portion, namely the act of pricing your faux finishes and creating a contract for your client.
STUDENTS
-?
BRIAN
Yep, if you want to get paid for your art, you have to know the business.
ARTSY TYPE STUDENT #1
Can we paint another sample first? That was FUN!
BRIAN
I'm glad you enjoyed that, but no, now to price it.
CRAFTY STUDENT #1
But in the brochure it said we would be painting most of the time?
BRIAN
It did, and you did, we did, now we need to spend a fraction of that time on the business part. Without that, you won't be doing much painting, or at least for money.
HOUSEWIFE TYPE STUDENT #1
I just came to learn how to paint my own house, so can I go back to painting?
BRIAN
Sure, okay, fine, paint another sample.
ARTSY TYPE STUDENT #1
Can I help her?
CRAFTY STUDENT #1
And can I?
BRIAN
Okay, you guys paid $1500 for the course, if you want to paint the whole time I'm not going to force this down your throats. But you'll never have business if you don't learn the info.
CRAFTY STUDENT #1
Sure we will, it just takes the RIGHT client.
HOUSEWIFE TYPE STUDENT #1
And CONTACTS.
TITLE OVER:
ONE MONTH LATER
Brian's cell phone RINGS.
BRIAN
Hello?
INTERCUT WITH:
ARTSY TYPE STUDENT #1
(filtered)
Brian, hi, I had a few questions now that I'm back home.
BRIAN
Sure, go ahead.
ARTSY TYPE STUDENT #1
(filtered)
How do I price my work?
BRIAN
I don't know, maybe find a contact to get the right client?
EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
BRIAN (V.O.)
And that was my big lesson this week, how much people are paying NOT to be in the screenplay business. They're forking out a lot at universities and seminars, just to go against their instructor's good advice. I read that the bulk just believe it takes making contacts and landing their script in the "right" hands. My mentor says that's not the truth. Many can't handle the truth.
(beat)
Lucky me!
Saturday, August 15, 2009
DOPPEL-SCRIPTER
EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
Brian sits with his FEET PROPPED on the COFFEE TABLE.
Caesar the dog RUNS back and forth, ANTICIPATING the coming game of HALF FETCH.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Wait a minute, buddy, have to make this blog entry first.
(beat)
My concept for the script has come to a fork in the road. I could go either way and still maintain passion for the story. Both directions would be equally good, I could flip a coin and still figure I have the same chances of selling this screenplay.
(beat)
This wasn't the original plan, to have two options. Now that I'm there I want to make the "right" choice.
INT. BLOG READER#1 OFFICE - DAY
Blog Reader #1 seems DELIGHTED that Brian is TEETERING between TWO CONCEPTS.
BLOG READER #1
(laughing)
See, kid, that's where you're missing the knowledge! If you had laid this all out on notecards you wouldn't be at this fork!
BRIAN (O.S.)
I laid it out on my computer.
BLOG READER #1
Haha, REAL SCREENWRITERS pitch a concept on notecards!
BRIAN (O.S.)
(calmly)
I'm not in the "pitch" phase yet.
BLOG READER #1
And you never will be, without NOTECARDS!
BRIAN (O.S.)
I'm being "green", why waste the paper?
BLOG READER #1
You're GREEN alright kid, and you'll never see a GREEN LIGHT!
EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
BRIAN (V.O.)
Back to my fork in the road, green lights flickering at both ends, in my opinion.
(beat)
This happened because, as I continued to write, I got to know the characters better. It started out as a sort of, forgive my lack of any vernacular, a "comedy-drama". It evolved into more of a "drama-comedy" because of the depth my characters gained.
(beat)
The "com-dram" deal is pretty funny, and not cliche' at all. The characters are fairly shallow, except for the lead. This keeps it moving, you side with the main character who has to deal with a lot of dimwits.
(beat)
The "dram-com" is funny, yet deep. I can almost guarantee that anyone with a sympathetic bone in their body, upon reading this script, will cry at least twice. In a good way, but there will be tears, excluding those of a certain BLOG READER, that is.
(beat)
Because of the impending showers, I would have to cut these scenes if I will go the "com-dram" route, in order to avoid the "sitcom gone sad" syndrome that I so dearly despise.
(beat)
And, there's a possibility that the producers will turn it into a "sitcom gone sad" anyway, imagine.
INT. PRODUCTION CO. MEETING - DAY
With Brian's "com-dram" SPEC SCRIPT secured, the EXECUTIVES decide to TINKER with it.
EXECUTIVE #1
This is good stuff, Brian, I laughed my ass off reading it.
BRIAN
Thanks!
PRODUCER
(skeptical)
Good alright, but lacking a certain something.
EXECUTIVE #1
(looks at PRODUCER)
You mean the part where it goes "sad", right?
PRODUCER
Right!! Brian, we need you to flesh out the character, give us some scenes that will make a grown man cry.
BRIAN
Well, er, ugh, I do have a complete rewrite on hand that already incorporates things like that, but I thought it was a bit sappy.
EXECUTIVE #1
WHAT??
BRIAN
Umm, did I say something wrong?
PRODUCER
You have TWO scripts, different versions, SAME STORY?
BRIAN
Mm, yes, I didn't mean anything by...
EXECUTIVE #1
Lemme see it.
The executive quickly pages through the SECOND SCRIPT.
EXECUTIVE #1
(looking at Producer)
You know what we've got here?
BRIAN
(a lawsuit??)
PRODUCER
Yep. TWO FILMS!!!
EXECUTIVE #1
Bullard, congratulations, I think you've just sold your second script!!
BRIAN
(mystified)
But sir, it's generally the same story.
EXECUTIVE #1
Not after we change the character names on one of them!!
BRIAN
You can do that?
PRODUCER
This is HOLLYWOOD, kid, we can do ANYTHING!
FADE OUT
Brian sits with his FEET PROPPED on the COFFEE TABLE.
Caesar the dog RUNS back and forth, ANTICIPATING the coming game of HALF FETCH.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Wait a minute, buddy, have to make this blog entry first.
(beat)
My concept for the script has come to a fork in the road. I could go either way and still maintain passion for the story. Both directions would be equally good, I could flip a coin and still figure I have the same chances of selling this screenplay.
(beat)
This wasn't the original plan, to have two options. Now that I'm there I want to make the "right" choice.
INT. BLOG READER#1 OFFICE - DAY
Blog Reader #1 seems DELIGHTED that Brian is TEETERING between TWO CONCEPTS.
BLOG READER #1
(laughing)
See, kid, that's where you're missing the knowledge! If you had laid this all out on notecards you wouldn't be at this fork!
BRIAN (O.S.)
I laid it out on my computer.
BLOG READER #1
Haha, REAL SCREENWRITERS pitch a concept on notecards!
BRIAN (O.S.)
(calmly)
I'm not in the "pitch" phase yet.
BLOG READER #1
And you never will be, without NOTECARDS!
BRIAN (O.S.)
I'm being "green", why waste the paper?
BLOG READER #1
You're GREEN alright kid, and you'll never see a GREEN LIGHT!
EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
BRIAN (V.O.)
Back to my fork in the road, green lights flickering at both ends, in my opinion.
(beat)
This happened because, as I continued to write, I got to know the characters better. It started out as a sort of, forgive my lack of any vernacular, a "comedy-drama". It evolved into more of a "drama-comedy" because of the depth my characters gained.
(beat)
The "com-dram" deal is pretty funny, and not cliche' at all. The characters are fairly shallow, except for the lead. This keeps it moving, you side with the main character who has to deal with a lot of dimwits.
(beat)
The "dram-com" is funny, yet deep. I can almost guarantee that anyone with a sympathetic bone in their body, upon reading this script, will cry at least twice. In a good way, but there will be tears, excluding those of a certain BLOG READER, that is.
(beat)
Because of the impending showers, I would have to cut these scenes if I will go the "com-dram" route, in order to avoid the "sitcom gone sad" syndrome that I so dearly despise.
(beat)
And, there's a possibility that the producers will turn it into a "sitcom gone sad" anyway, imagine.
INT. PRODUCTION CO. MEETING - DAY
With Brian's "com-dram" SPEC SCRIPT secured, the EXECUTIVES decide to TINKER with it.
EXECUTIVE #1
This is good stuff, Brian, I laughed my ass off reading it.
BRIAN
Thanks!
PRODUCER
(skeptical)
Good alright, but lacking a certain something.
EXECUTIVE #1
(looks at PRODUCER)
You mean the part where it goes "sad", right?
PRODUCER
Right!! Brian, we need you to flesh out the character, give us some scenes that will make a grown man cry.
BRIAN
Well, er, ugh, I do have a complete rewrite on hand that already incorporates things like that, but I thought it was a bit sappy.
EXECUTIVE #1
WHAT??
BRIAN
Umm, did I say something wrong?
PRODUCER
You have TWO scripts, different versions, SAME STORY?
BRIAN
Mm, yes, I didn't mean anything by...
EXECUTIVE #1
Lemme see it.
The executive quickly pages through the SECOND SCRIPT.
EXECUTIVE #1
(looking at Producer)
You know what we've got here?
BRIAN
(a lawsuit??)
PRODUCER
Yep. TWO FILMS!!!
EXECUTIVE #1
Bullard, congratulations, I think you've just sold your second script!!
BRIAN
(mystified)
But sir, it's generally the same story.
EXECUTIVE #1
Not after we change the character names on one of them!!
BRIAN
You can do that?
PRODUCER
This is HOLLYWOOD, kid, we can do ANYTHING!
FADE OUT
Friday, August 14, 2009
GETTING HOOKED
EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
We see Brian BENT OVER the aged LAPTOP.
It SILENT, except for the repetitive SOUNDS of SINGING BIRDS.
It's a SYMPHONY of NATURE.
The BIRD SONGS have CATCHY HOOKS.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Which leads me into thinking about the "hook" of things. When I first heard the term, in music, I wondered who decided to change "chorus" to "hook". It irritates me when people decide to rename something when it's already been invented. Take "crunches", in exercising. A "crunch" is basically a "sit-up". Of course, there could be debate over different muscles being worked, positioning, et cetera. I don't care what it's named, it hurts! What were they thinking?
INT. GYM - DAY
TITLE OVER:
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA, 1988
A group of TWENTY people WORK-OUT in TIGHT LEOTARDS.
The "WHITESNAKE" song, "Here I Go Again", blares from a BOOMBOX.
On their BACKS, they PAUSE for the next command from the INSTRUCTOR.
INSTRUCTOR
(exuberantly)
...and that's how you do it, we call it "crunches"!
FLASHDANCE-LOOKING CHICK
(questioning)
Doesn't he mean "sit-ups"?
TAWNY KITAEN-LOOKING CHICK
(cynically))
He renamed sit-ups, how ORIGINAL.
FLASHDANCE-LOOKING CHICK
Maybe they'll hurt less?
TAWNY KITAEN-LOOKING CHICK
Like calling it "Pilates" instead of Yoga?
FLASHDANCE-LOOKING CHICK
What's PILATES?
TAWNY KITAEN-LOOKING CHICK
Yoga, but wait twenty years and they'll be calling it Pilates!
EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
BRIAN (V.O.)
And that's how sit-ups became crunches.
(beat)
Now with the "hook", versus "chorus", I have to give in. Webster's online defines it as "a device especially in music or writing that catches the attention". Kudos to whoever thought of that. I know the effect works in music, it's like a form of brainwashing. They take some words or sound and drill it into my head, next thing I'm like a zombie, repeating those words or sounds.
(beat)
If I want to hear this echoed, I just hum or sing the hook in the presence of my lovely wife. In less than five minutes I can hear it coming from her, works everytime, guaranteed.
(beat)
Currently, my most popular audible, subversive little ditty is "SHOW ME WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR" by the band "CAROLINA LIAR". They should be given an award for "Brainwashing Hook of the Year", because I can't get that thing off my mind.
BRIAN
(singing)
Show me what I'm look-in' FOR-OR!
BRIAN (V.O.)
Apparently I'm not the only one affected by this. It seems to also have been embedded in many a producer's head. It's on T.V. all the time. It's been used for Overstock.com, A & E's "Obsessed", the 2009 MLB All-Star Game, Post Grad, The Time Traveler's Wife, The T.O. Show, Army Wives, and WarioWare Inc.
(beat)
And I swear it was used on "The Hills" or "The City", but it's not cited.
Brian WONDERS if "The CITY" will RETURN.
BRIAN (V.O.)
In any case, I need to have a good hook in my script. Maybe I do, I'm not yet sure how it pertains to writing. For that I will have to check in with mentor Terri.
(beat)
I need something that is just as infectuous as the "S.M.W.I.L.F." hook, I want producers and directors repeating my hook to themselves, their wives, friends, agents, you name it.
(beat)
If I can create that hook, and then rename something that's already been invented, like they did with "crunches", it might be a sure way to sell my script.
Brian STARES off, thinking of a way to FINISH the BLOG ENTRY.
BRIAN
(singing)
Show me what I'm look-in' FOR-OR!
FADE OUT
We see Brian BENT OVER the aged LAPTOP.
It SILENT, except for the repetitive SOUNDS of SINGING BIRDS.
It's a SYMPHONY of NATURE.
The BIRD SONGS have CATCHY HOOKS.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Which leads me into thinking about the "hook" of things. When I first heard the term, in music, I wondered who decided to change "chorus" to "hook". It irritates me when people decide to rename something when it's already been invented. Take "crunches", in exercising. A "crunch" is basically a "sit-up". Of course, there could be debate over different muscles being worked, positioning, et cetera. I don't care what it's named, it hurts! What were they thinking?
INT. GYM - DAY
TITLE OVER:
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA, 1988
A group of TWENTY people WORK-OUT in TIGHT LEOTARDS.
The "WHITESNAKE" song, "Here I Go Again", blares from a BOOMBOX.
On their BACKS, they PAUSE for the next command from the INSTRUCTOR.
INSTRUCTOR
(exuberantly)
...and that's how you do it, we call it "crunches"!
FLASHDANCE-LOOKING CHICK
(questioning)
Doesn't he mean "sit-ups"?
TAWNY KITAEN-LOOKING CHICK
(cynically))
He renamed sit-ups, how ORIGINAL.
FLASHDANCE-LOOKING CHICK
Maybe they'll hurt less?
TAWNY KITAEN-LOOKING CHICK
Like calling it "Pilates" instead of Yoga?
FLASHDANCE-LOOKING CHICK
What's PILATES?
TAWNY KITAEN-LOOKING CHICK
Yoga, but wait twenty years and they'll be calling it Pilates!
EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
BRIAN (V.O.)
And that's how sit-ups became crunches.
(beat)
Now with the "hook", versus "chorus", I have to give in. Webster's online defines it as "a device especially in music or writing that catches the attention". Kudos to whoever thought of that. I know the effect works in music, it's like a form of brainwashing. They take some words or sound and drill it into my head, next thing I'm like a zombie, repeating those words or sounds.
(beat)
If I want to hear this echoed, I just hum or sing the hook in the presence of my lovely wife. In less than five minutes I can hear it coming from her, works everytime, guaranteed.
(beat)
Currently, my most popular audible, subversive little ditty is "SHOW ME WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR" by the band "CAROLINA LIAR". They should be given an award for "Brainwashing Hook of the Year", because I can't get that thing off my mind.
BRIAN
(singing)
Show me what I'm look-in' FOR-OR!
BRIAN (V.O.)
Apparently I'm not the only one affected by this. It seems to also have been embedded in many a producer's head. It's on T.V. all the time. It's been used for Overstock.com, A & E's "Obsessed", the 2009 MLB All-Star Game, Post Grad, The Time Traveler's Wife, The T.O. Show, Army Wives, and WarioWare Inc.
(beat)
And I swear it was used on "The Hills" or "The City", but it's not cited.
Brian WONDERS if "The CITY" will RETURN.
BRIAN (V.O.)
In any case, I need to have a good hook in my script. Maybe I do, I'm not yet sure how it pertains to writing. For that I will have to check in with mentor Terri.
(beat)
I need something that is just as infectuous as the "S.M.W.I.L.F." hook, I want producers and directors repeating my hook to themselves, their wives, friends, agents, you name it.
(beat)
If I can create that hook, and then rename something that's already been invented, like they did with "crunches", it might be a sure way to sell my script.
Brian STARES off, thinking of a way to FINISH the BLOG ENTRY.
BRIAN
(singing)
Show me what I'm look-in' FOR-OR!
FADE OUT
Thursday, August 13, 2009
ALL'S WELL, THAT ENDS WELL
EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
It's a WET morning in the SOUTH.
Small, silvery DROPS of DEW dangle from a drooping DOGWOOD tree.
The LAWN is a lush GREEN, moisture accelerating the GROWTH of CRABGRASS.
BRIAN (V.O.)
I've been learning about endings, as in the end of a film. There are a lot of different philosophies on how to "properly" end a film, apparently the europeans throw every reasonable method out the window. The "problem film", as most euros refer to it, is supposed to make you think long after the film. It makes a lot of people think alright, think that they will never sit through another european film!
(beat)
But I do love the concept, I don't mind an "unfinished" ending. In the fine arts we say "leave blank space in the painting, it gives the viewer's eye a chance to rest". Fill everything with detail and perfection, expected endings, and there's no peace, no room for imagination or rest.
INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY
WE see a young Brian DRAWING on a large SHEET of PAPER in ART CLASS.
There is an OUTLINE of a small CASTLE in the upper left CORNER of the SHEET.
The REST of the PAPER is left BLANK, with a few GRAPHITE SMUDGES.
WEIRD MALE ART TEACHER
(whiny)
That's a neat start, Brian, now what are you going to put here?
The teacher WAVES his hand over the BLANK SPACE.
BRIAN
(quietly)
Nothing.
WEIRD MALE ART TEACHER
(encouraging)
How about a lake, or a stream, or maybe a KNIGHT with a SWORD?
Brian
(enlightening)
Hmm, actually, it's finished. I like it.
WEIRD MALE ART TEACHER
(stunned)
Umm, okay, looks like you started something and didn't finish. The smudges, what do they represent?
BRIAN
(pleased)
Your thoughts.
WEIRD MALE TEACHER
(dummified)
-?
BRIAN
(explaining)
See, it works, I made you think, I want the viewer to use their imagination. If I fill the space it's just going to be another drawing with a lake and a knight.
WEIRD MALE TEACHER
(agitated)
Okay, Brian, in order for me to grade this you have to at least TELL ME what the smudges are, I can't grade imaginary test answers, nor imaginary art.
(beat)
So what do the smudges represent?
BRIAN
(matter of factly)
Crabgrass!!
INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
A city UTILITY TRUCK speeds by.
Brian is wondering if the POWER will soon GO OUT?
He TYPES faster, knowing the BATTERY of the LAPTOP is LOW.
BRIAN (V.O.)
I don't think I'll be applying the "unfinished" effect to my script. Not because I think the audience is uncapable of thinking on their own, but because I learned that the ending to a movie is the reward for sitting through it. It's like a treat, and I don't want to starve the viewers or critics.
(beat)
I'm going to make the entire film enjoyable, not just the ending. I once read, on a poster, that life is about the "happiness of pursuit", not vice versa. Right now my focus is on making that an interesting race.
EXT. RACETRACK GRANDSTAND - DAY
ANNOUNCER
(enthusiastic)
They're out of the gates, "CRITIC'S CHOICE" in the lead, "SCRIPTWRITER" back by three lengths, followed by the rest of the pack...
CUT TO:
LAST TURN
ANNOUNCER
(ecstatic)
...and "SCRIPTWRITER" has taken the lead! The longshot's GONNA WIN IT!
FINAL STRETCH, "SCRIPTWRITER" going to the line,,,uh, what's that?
THERE IS NO FINISH LINE, FOLKS! It's and UNFINISHED ENDING!!
CROWD
(pissed)
BOOOOO!!!
FADE OUT
NOTE: The writer of this script does not support the brutal bloodsport of horse-racing. To find out more, please visit the PETA fact sheet at this LINK.
It's a WET morning in the SOUTH.
Small, silvery DROPS of DEW dangle from a drooping DOGWOOD tree.
The LAWN is a lush GREEN, moisture accelerating the GROWTH of CRABGRASS.
BRIAN (V.O.)
I've been learning about endings, as in the end of a film. There are a lot of different philosophies on how to "properly" end a film, apparently the europeans throw every reasonable method out the window. The "problem film", as most euros refer to it, is supposed to make you think long after the film. It makes a lot of people think alright, think that they will never sit through another european film!
(beat)
But I do love the concept, I don't mind an "unfinished" ending. In the fine arts we say "leave blank space in the painting, it gives the viewer's eye a chance to rest". Fill everything with detail and perfection, expected endings, and there's no peace, no room for imagination or rest.
INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY
WE see a young Brian DRAWING on a large SHEET of PAPER in ART CLASS.
There is an OUTLINE of a small CASTLE in the upper left CORNER of the SHEET.
The REST of the PAPER is left BLANK, with a few GRAPHITE SMUDGES.
WEIRD MALE ART TEACHER
(whiny)
That's a neat start, Brian, now what are you going to put here?
The teacher WAVES his hand over the BLANK SPACE.
BRIAN
(quietly)
Nothing.
WEIRD MALE ART TEACHER
(encouraging)
How about a lake, or a stream, or maybe a KNIGHT with a SWORD?
Brian
(enlightening)
Hmm, actually, it's finished. I like it.
WEIRD MALE ART TEACHER
(stunned)
Umm, okay, looks like you started something and didn't finish. The smudges, what do they represent?
BRIAN
(pleased)
Your thoughts.
WEIRD MALE TEACHER
(dummified)
-?
BRIAN
(explaining)
See, it works, I made you think, I want the viewer to use their imagination. If I fill the space it's just going to be another drawing with a lake and a knight.
WEIRD MALE TEACHER
(agitated)
Okay, Brian, in order for me to grade this you have to at least TELL ME what the smudges are, I can't grade imaginary test answers, nor imaginary art.
(beat)
So what do the smudges represent?
BRIAN
(matter of factly)
Crabgrass!!
INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
A city UTILITY TRUCK speeds by.
Brian is wondering if the POWER will soon GO OUT?
He TYPES faster, knowing the BATTERY of the LAPTOP is LOW.
BRIAN (V.O.)
I don't think I'll be applying the "unfinished" effect to my script. Not because I think the audience is uncapable of thinking on their own, but because I learned that the ending to a movie is the reward for sitting through it. It's like a treat, and I don't want to starve the viewers or critics.
(beat)
I'm going to make the entire film enjoyable, not just the ending. I once read, on a poster, that life is about the "happiness of pursuit", not vice versa. Right now my focus is on making that an interesting race.
EXT. RACETRACK GRANDSTAND - DAY
ANNOUNCER
(enthusiastic)
They're out of the gates, "CRITIC'S CHOICE" in the lead, "SCRIPTWRITER" back by three lengths, followed by the rest of the pack...
CUT TO:
LAST TURN
ANNOUNCER
(ecstatic)
...and "SCRIPTWRITER" has taken the lead! The longshot's GONNA WIN IT!
FINAL STRETCH, "SCRIPTWRITER" going to the line,,,uh, what's that?
THERE IS NO FINISH LINE, FOLKS! It's and UNFINISHED ENDING!!
CROWD
(pissed)
BOOOOO!!!
FADE OUT
NOTE: The writer of this script does not support the brutal bloodsport of horse-racing. To find out more, please visit the PETA fact sheet at this LINK.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
SITCOMS GONE SAD
EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
ANGLE on MAUS the CAT, who is doing UPSIDE-DOWN-HEAD on a WICKER chair.
CAESAR the DOG rests with his NOSE against the protective SCREEN, looking out onto the YARD.
We see a large BUMBLEBEE floating ERRATICALLY to the MESH, bumping it.
THANK GOD for the SCREEN.
BRIAN (V.O.)
I'm feeling pretty serious, that's a good thing. It means I've learned a lot already, mostly by reading the posts from my few mentors. I stayed up late last night, wine glass in hand, reading some of the most compelling things possibly ever written about the screenwriting industry. And like any good film, I'm not going to bog you down with too much "serious" writing. My "high concept" is to keep you laughing at me while I fumble along on this journey.
(beat)
I'm not going to stick you with a "sit-com gone sad" blog.
(beat)
One of the most irritating things about a movie can be the "SITCOMS go SAD" syndrome, me and my lovely wife can't stand that. Like "WEDDING CRASHERS", which was funny in the first two acts, but by round three we wanted to jump into the screen and give OWEN WILSON a "funny intervention". No fault of his; maybe the writer, producer, director, and a reception party full of industry personnel exercised their option to screw it up. But Owen agreed to it, he spoke the sad lines, he tried sucking us into a honeymoon of melancholic crap!
(beat)
In an analogy, it's like someone building up what seems to be a great joke, then smothering the punchline with a bunch of schmaltz.
INT. BAR - NIGHT
We see a CROWD at the BAR.
EVERYONE is INTRIGUED by the BARTENDER, he commands ATTENTION.
It's TOM CRUISE in a black VEST, gleefully JUGGLING vodka BOTTLES, and telling a JOKE to the crowd.
CRUISE
(delivers punchline)
...and she says, "THAT'S why it's called a whiskey SOUR!!".
CROWD
(cracking up)
HAAAAAAA!
YUPPIE DRINKER #1
(kissing ass)
Hehe, that was a GREAT ONE, TOMMY! Tell us another!!
CRUISE
(seriously)
Okay now, pay close attention here, attention...
(beat)
An old guy walks into a pharmacy, a pharmacy, to get his PRESCRIPTION...
The CROWD leans in, all SMILING, knowing this will be good.
CRUISE
A sexy young blonde, in front of him, asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms...CONDOMS.
(beat)
She makes the purchase, turns around, and the old guy notices she's his DOCTOR.
(beat)
"Oh, hi Mr. Jones" she says, and turns all RED.
And he says, "Hi doc, just getting my heart meds!".
"This is embarrassing", she replies..
And the old guy says, "Oh, don't be embarrassed, I've bought condoms before".
She replies, "No, embarrassing that you're waiting on heart meds...HEART MEDS".
"Why is that?" he asks, and she says...
CRUISE has a wide GRIN.
The CROWD anticipates the PUNCHLINE.
CRUISE
(laughing)
You won't be needing those, you've got terminal CANCER!!
It's SILENT, the CROWD is MOTIONLESS.
CRUISE is giving us the widest shot of his PEARLY WHITES.
He COCKS his HEAD to the side, with a big GRIN.
CRUISE
(smiling whisper)
Cancer!
The CROWD slowly leaves their BARSTOOLS
CHICK #1
(sighing)
Oh man.
CRUISE
(pleading)
HEY! STICK AROUND, I got another one, a GOOD one, a BETTER one!
GUYS???
BULLARD
(sympathetically still sitting there)
Okay Tom, make it another.
INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
BRIAN (V.O.)
That's pretty much how I felt during "Wedding Crashers", dumb enough to sit it out. I gave them a chance to redeem it. Didn't happen.
(beat)
If I ever meet Tom Cruise I hope he has good jokes. If not that, at least a few good stories about the industry.
(beat)
And some secret tips on how to juggle vodka bottles!
ANGLE on MAUS the CAT, who is doing UPSIDE-DOWN-HEAD on a WICKER chair.
CAESAR the DOG rests with his NOSE against the protective SCREEN, looking out onto the YARD.
We see a large BUMBLEBEE floating ERRATICALLY to the MESH, bumping it.
THANK GOD for the SCREEN.
BRIAN (V.O.)
I'm feeling pretty serious, that's a good thing. It means I've learned a lot already, mostly by reading the posts from my few mentors. I stayed up late last night, wine glass in hand, reading some of the most compelling things possibly ever written about the screenwriting industry. And like any good film, I'm not going to bog you down with too much "serious" writing. My "high concept" is to keep you laughing at me while I fumble along on this journey.
(beat)
I'm not going to stick you with a "sit-com gone sad" blog.
(beat)
One of the most irritating things about a movie can be the "SITCOMS go SAD" syndrome, me and my lovely wife can't stand that. Like "WEDDING CRASHERS", which was funny in the first two acts, but by round three we wanted to jump into the screen and give OWEN WILSON a "funny intervention". No fault of his; maybe the writer, producer, director, and a reception party full of industry personnel exercised their option to screw it up. But Owen agreed to it, he spoke the sad lines, he tried sucking us into a honeymoon of melancholic crap!
(beat)
In an analogy, it's like someone building up what seems to be a great joke, then smothering the punchline with a bunch of schmaltz.
INT. BAR - NIGHT
We see a CROWD at the BAR.
EVERYONE is INTRIGUED by the BARTENDER, he commands ATTENTION.
It's TOM CRUISE in a black VEST, gleefully JUGGLING vodka BOTTLES, and telling a JOKE to the crowd.
CRUISE
(delivers punchline)
...and she says, "THAT'S why it's called a whiskey SOUR!!".
CROWD
(cracking up)
HAAAAAAA!
YUPPIE DRINKER #1
(kissing ass)
Hehe, that was a GREAT ONE, TOMMY! Tell us another!!
CRUISE
(seriously)
Okay now, pay close attention here, attention...
(beat)
An old guy walks into a pharmacy, a pharmacy, to get his PRESCRIPTION...
The CROWD leans in, all SMILING, knowing this will be good.
CRUISE
A sexy young blonde, in front of him, asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms...CONDOMS.
(beat)
She makes the purchase, turns around, and the old guy notices she's his DOCTOR.
(beat)
"Oh, hi Mr. Jones" she says, and turns all RED.
And he says, "Hi doc, just getting my heart meds!".
"This is embarrassing", she replies..
And the old guy says, "Oh, don't be embarrassed, I've bought condoms before".
She replies, "No, embarrassing that you're waiting on heart meds...HEART MEDS".
"Why is that?" he asks, and she says...
CRUISE has a wide GRIN.
The CROWD anticipates the PUNCHLINE.
CRUISE
(laughing)
You won't be needing those, you've got terminal CANCER!!
It's SILENT, the CROWD is MOTIONLESS.
CRUISE is giving us the widest shot of his PEARLY WHITES.
He COCKS his HEAD to the side, with a big GRIN.
CRUISE
(smiling whisper)
Cancer!
The CROWD slowly leaves their BARSTOOLS
CHICK #1
(sighing)
Oh man.
CRUISE
(pleading)
HEY! STICK AROUND, I got another one, a GOOD one, a BETTER one!
GUYS???
BULLARD
(sympathetically still sitting there)
Okay Tom, make it another.
INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
BRIAN (V.O.)
That's pretty much how I felt during "Wedding Crashers", dumb enough to sit it out. I gave them a chance to redeem it. Didn't happen.
(beat)
If I ever meet Tom Cruise I hope he has good jokes. If not that, at least a few good stories about the industry.
(beat)
And some secret tips on how to juggle vodka bottles!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
I LOVE COLLEGE!
INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING
We see a FLAT SCREEN TV above a MANTLE.
SMOOTH JAZZ is piped therough its SPEAKERS.
The small BLUE RECTANGLE on the Sirius SCREEN bounces like an ATARI in SLO-MO.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Yes, we're inside this morning, couldn't take the heat, literally.
(beat)
It's ashame, now that the crabgrass has been sliced down to an appropriate height. I could be sitting out there enjoying it. But I'd be cooking alright.
Cat #2 is perched on the ARMREST of the COUCH.
Maus seems to ENJOY the cool drafts of the AC.
BRIAN (V.O.)
In my second week of screenwriting "on the job training" , I decide it's time for more training. The script is rolling, the blog is up, now I need to work towards my "online degree". No, it's not a formal degree, per se, no paid courses from unaccredited, online schools. To me, "formal training" for my "online degree" means pulling up a site like WORDPLAYER.COM to read something from Terri Rossio. The guy has an amazing body of work, DISNEY seems to love him.
We see a WEBSITE, with FIFTY-TWO ARTICLES written by Rossi.
Brian SCANS the list and CLICKS on COLUMN number TWO, titled "STRANGE ATTRACTOR".
BRIAN (V.O.)
The article is about creating an intriguing concept for your script. There seems to be a lot of important factors in doing that.
Brian drinks a SIP of COFFEE from an oversized MUG.
He READS the article, hoping that his SCREENPLAY checks out with the advice.
BRIAN (V.O.)
I'm doing a bit of this in reverse order, as you might notice, meaning that instead of reading all I can about the process, I just keep writing my script and periodically checking it against such articles. If it checks out, I pass that phase of testing. If I get a low grade, I need to refine something. If I fail a test, I need some serious remedial work or to get out of this scriptwriting thing alltogether. That hasn't happened yet, thank god.
INT. BLOG READER OFFICE - DAY
Blog Reader #1 is READING the SCREENWRITES OF PASSION blog.
He SHAKES his HEAD, as if what he is READING is ALL WRONG.
BLOG READER #1
(smartassed)
That's not the way you do it, KID. To be a pro screenwriter you need years of training at a university, exposure to thousands of films.
Then you need CONTACTS, lots of 'em.
INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING
Brian keeps checking the COLUMN, while working on his BLOG.
BRIAN (V.O.)
I'm not going to cover all he says in the article, no "spoilers", check out the story yourself at this LINK.
(beat)
The jist of it is, your story, your concept, it has to be special in a lot of ways. You have to create a hunger in the producer, actors, director, the audience; people have to want to invest in what you deem to be so special.
(beat)
So far, my script is passing this test, it has that "Strange Attractor", or so I believe. I'm not a film buff, in fact, I'm hesitant to go to the movies, ever. I've been disappointed so many times that it just doesn't always seem worth the risk. My "movie" is something I would go see, even if I didn't write it, so that says a lot in my book. It's funny, sometimes serious, it will be familiar to people yet bring the unexpected. It deals with challenges, learning, experiencing, overcoming.
INT. BLOG READER OFFICE - DAY
BLOG READER #1
(apathetically)
Ach, KID! You don't have the SLIGHTEST IDEA! Antagonist, protagonist, a paradigm, genre...THAT'S what this craft is about!
BRIAN (V.O.)
To satisfy a CERTAIN BLOG READER, we will also be testing those parts of the concept as well, in the future.
INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING
Brian stands and STRETCHES, his left SCIATIC NERVE is TIGHT again, it aches.
BRIAN (V.O.)
My main character is young, full of interest and curiosity. He means well, but things don't always work out, no matter how well he meant. He's naive, making us laugh along at his predicaments, yet mature enough to take his hard knocks and move on, we hope. The audience will like this kid, be pulling for him. Parents will wish him as a son, girls will want him as their boyfriend, boys will want to be him. People of all ages will relate, yes, it could be classifed as a "coming of age" thing.
(beat)
Has it been done? Yes. In my way? No, not just yet.
(beat)
I won't go into the whole concept, that's just a descrip on the main character, I'm not trying to sell anyone on the thing right now (except for my lovely wife).
(beat)
So, I just passed my "online test" in "screenwriting concept". I'll give myself, or the script, a B+ right now, because I'm modest and the ENTIRE concept has not been fully worked out yet.
(beat)
Class dismissed.
(beat)
Man, I love "college"!
We see a FLAT SCREEN TV above a MANTLE.
SMOOTH JAZZ is piped therough its SPEAKERS.
The small BLUE RECTANGLE on the Sirius SCREEN bounces like an ATARI in SLO-MO.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Yes, we're inside this morning, couldn't take the heat, literally.
(beat)
It's ashame, now that the crabgrass has been sliced down to an appropriate height. I could be sitting out there enjoying it. But I'd be cooking alright.
Cat #2 is perched on the ARMREST of the COUCH.
Maus seems to ENJOY the cool drafts of the AC.
BRIAN (V.O.)
In my second week of screenwriting "on the job training" , I decide it's time for more training. The script is rolling, the blog is up, now I need to work towards my "online degree". No, it's not a formal degree, per se, no paid courses from unaccredited, online schools. To me, "formal training" for my "online degree" means pulling up a site like WORDPLAYER.COM to read something from Terri Rossio. The guy has an amazing body of work, DISNEY seems to love him.
We see a WEBSITE, with FIFTY-TWO ARTICLES written by Rossi.
Brian SCANS the list and CLICKS on COLUMN number TWO, titled "STRANGE ATTRACTOR".
BRIAN (V.O.)
The article is about creating an intriguing concept for your script. There seems to be a lot of important factors in doing that.
Brian drinks a SIP of COFFEE from an oversized MUG.
He READS the article, hoping that his SCREENPLAY checks out with the advice.
BRIAN (V.O.)
I'm doing a bit of this in reverse order, as you might notice, meaning that instead of reading all I can about the process, I just keep writing my script and periodically checking it against such articles. If it checks out, I pass that phase of testing. If I get a low grade, I need to refine something. If I fail a test, I need some serious remedial work or to get out of this scriptwriting thing alltogether. That hasn't happened yet, thank god.
INT. BLOG READER OFFICE - DAY
Blog Reader #1 is READING the SCREENWRITES OF PASSION blog.
He SHAKES his HEAD, as if what he is READING is ALL WRONG.
BLOG READER #1
(smartassed)
That's not the way you do it, KID. To be a pro screenwriter you need years of training at a university, exposure to thousands of films.
Then you need CONTACTS, lots of 'em.
INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING
Brian keeps checking the COLUMN, while working on his BLOG.
BRIAN (V.O.)
I'm not going to cover all he says in the article, no "spoilers", check out the story yourself at this LINK.
(beat)
The jist of it is, your story, your concept, it has to be special in a lot of ways. You have to create a hunger in the producer, actors, director, the audience; people have to want to invest in what you deem to be so special.
(beat)
So far, my script is passing this test, it has that "Strange Attractor", or so I believe. I'm not a film buff, in fact, I'm hesitant to go to the movies, ever. I've been disappointed so many times that it just doesn't always seem worth the risk. My "movie" is something I would go see, even if I didn't write it, so that says a lot in my book. It's funny, sometimes serious, it will be familiar to people yet bring the unexpected. It deals with challenges, learning, experiencing, overcoming.
INT. BLOG READER OFFICE - DAY
BLOG READER #1
(apathetically)
Ach, KID! You don't have the SLIGHTEST IDEA! Antagonist, protagonist, a paradigm, genre...THAT'S what this craft is about!
BRIAN (V.O.)
To satisfy a CERTAIN BLOG READER, we will also be testing those parts of the concept as well, in the future.
INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING
Brian stands and STRETCHES, his left SCIATIC NERVE is TIGHT again, it aches.
BRIAN (V.O.)
My main character is young, full of interest and curiosity. He means well, but things don't always work out, no matter how well he meant. He's naive, making us laugh along at his predicaments, yet mature enough to take his hard knocks and move on, we hope. The audience will like this kid, be pulling for him. Parents will wish him as a son, girls will want him as their boyfriend, boys will want to be him. People of all ages will relate, yes, it could be classifed as a "coming of age" thing.
(beat)
Has it been done? Yes. In my way? No, not just yet.
(beat)
I won't go into the whole concept, that's just a descrip on the main character, I'm not trying to sell anyone on the thing right now (except for my lovely wife).
(beat)
So, I just passed my "online test" in "screenwriting concept". I'll give myself, or the script, a B+ right now, because I'm modest and the ENTIRE concept has not been fully worked out yet.
(beat)
Class dismissed.
(beat)
Man, I love "college"!
Monday, August 10, 2009
REDHEADED WRITER
EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
Brian PUFFS away on a cigarette.
His FINGERS HOVER over the LAPTOP as he sweats in NINETY-ONE degrees of HEAT.
BRIAN (V.O.)
There's no AC out here, and I smoke, so that puts me out here.
(beat)
Smoking is a nasty, addictive habit, I know, so spare me the emails. It pisses me off. Not the fact that it stinks or what, the fact that any other addict like an alcoholic, doper, fatass, shopaholic, or what, is classified as having a "disease". They're victims, I'm a freaking perpetrator, brandishing an orange-tipped glowing death-stick?? EXCUSE ME!
BRIAN STABS the cig down into the ASHTRAY.
The smoke LINGERS.
It STINKS.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Moving on, I wanted to talk about the image of a writer. Going into this, I figured, in my fantasy world, it doesn't matter how a writer looks, it matters how they write. Boy was I wrong.
(beat)
This sad bit of news came when I first went to the NICHOLL AWARDS site. There stood all five 2008 winners, and they looked like writers! Yep, imagine that.
(beat)
Then, I pulled up DIABLO CODY, talk about shock and awe, I thought I had accidentally fumbled upon the "Dita von Teese" homepage or what.
Brian wipes SWEAT from his FOREHEAD.
He appears to be COOKING on the PORCH.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Okay, I feel fine about my looks, but I don't think I look like a WRITER! How many redheaded male screenwriters have you seen? Maybe one? You're thinking RON HOWARD? Me too, but isn't he more a producer and director? HELL, I'll take it though!
EXT. SCREENWRITER'S PARTY - SUNSET
Brian, feeling a bit OUT OF PLACE, hides himself near a large PLANT URN.
Suddenly, he notes a figure with TRACES of RED HAIR.
It's RON HOWARD.
Mr. Howard approaches, WHISPERING into his LAPEL.
HOWARD
(whispering)
Security? There's a guy hiding behind an urn.
SECURITY
(filtered)
Yessir, Mr. Howard, description please.
HOWARD
(serious)
He's got RED HAIR.
SECURITY
(filtered)
Is he one of the writers?
HOWARD
(angry)
Didn't you hear me?? He has RED HAIR!
RON HOWARD confronts BRIAN.
HOWARD
(skeptical)
Umm, do you have an invite?
BRIAN
(sweating bullets)
Umm, yessir, I mean Mr. Howard, sir, right here sir.
Brian hands Howard the SOGGY INVITE.
HOWARD
(sympathetically)
Okay, it checks out.
Hehe, I've never seen a redheaded male writer.
Have a good night, OPIE!!
BRIAN
(sighs)
Yessir, thank you, you too Mr. Howard.
INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
Brian lights another COFFIN NAIL.
He checks his BLACKBERRY for messages.
He runs his fingers through his SWEATY RED HAIR.
BRIAN (V.O.)
I'm surprised that Blog Reader #1 hasn't chimed in yet. Bet that guy doesn't look like a writer at all. Good.
(beat)
So, no, I'm not going to run out and get a sleeve full of tattoos, or clear lenses or what to look like a writer. It's just another thing on the list to work at, so when Ron Howard DOES walk up, he thinks I'm a writer, not a prowler.
FADE OUT
Brian PUFFS away on a cigarette.
His FINGERS HOVER over the LAPTOP as he sweats in NINETY-ONE degrees of HEAT.
BRIAN (V.O.)
There's no AC out here, and I smoke, so that puts me out here.
(beat)
Smoking is a nasty, addictive habit, I know, so spare me the emails. It pisses me off. Not the fact that it stinks or what, the fact that any other addict like an alcoholic, doper, fatass, shopaholic, or what, is classified as having a "disease". They're victims, I'm a freaking perpetrator, brandishing an orange-tipped glowing death-stick?? EXCUSE ME!
BRIAN STABS the cig down into the ASHTRAY.
The smoke LINGERS.
It STINKS.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Moving on, I wanted to talk about the image of a writer. Going into this, I figured, in my fantasy world, it doesn't matter how a writer looks, it matters how they write. Boy was I wrong.
(beat)
This sad bit of news came when I first went to the NICHOLL AWARDS site. There stood all five 2008 winners, and they looked like writers! Yep, imagine that.
(beat)
Then, I pulled up DIABLO CODY, talk about shock and awe, I thought I had accidentally fumbled upon the "Dita von Teese" homepage or what.
Brian wipes SWEAT from his FOREHEAD.
He appears to be COOKING on the PORCH.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Okay, I feel fine about my looks, but I don't think I look like a WRITER! How many redheaded male screenwriters have you seen? Maybe one? You're thinking RON HOWARD? Me too, but isn't he more a producer and director? HELL, I'll take it though!
EXT. SCREENWRITER'S PARTY - SUNSET
Brian, feeling a bit OUT OF PLACE, hides himself near a large PLANT URN.
Suddenly, he notes a figure with TRACES of RED HAIR.
It's RON HOWARD.
Mr. Howard approaches, WHISPERING into his LAPEL.
HOWARD
(whispering)
Security? There's a guy hiding behind an urn.
SECURITY
(filtered)
Yessir, Mr. Howard, description please.
HOWARD
(serious)
He's got RED HAIR.
SECURITY
(filtered)
Is he one of the writers?
HOWARD
(angry)
Didn't you hear me?? He has RED HAIR!
RON HOWARD confronts BRIAN.
HOWARD
(skeptical)
Umm, do you have an invite?
BRIAN
(sweating bullets)
Umm, yessir, I mean Mr. Howard, sir, right here sir.
Brian hands Howard the SOGGY INVITE.
HOWARD
(sympathetically)
Okay, it checks out.
Hehe, I've never seen a redheaded male writer.
Have a good night, OPIE!!
BRIAN
(sighs)
Yessir, thank you, you too Mr. Howard.
INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
Brian lights another COFFIN NAIL.
He checks his BLACKBERRY for messages.
He runs his fingers through his SWEATY RED HAIR.
BRIAN (V.O.)
I'm surprised that Blog Reader #1 hasn't chimed in yet. Bet that guy doesn't look like a writer at all. Good.
(beat)
So, no, I'm not going to run out and get a sleeve full of tattoos, or clear lenses or what to look like a writer. It's just another thing on the list to work at, so when Ron Howard DOES walk up, he thinks I'm a writer, not a prowler.
FADE OUT
Sunday, August 9, 2009
PITCH OFF A PIC
The "SCREENWRITING FOR HOLLYWOOD" blog posts a inspirational picture and I wrote the beginning of a pitch off of it. To view the image, CLICK HERE.
Mid-day in a German S-Bahn commuter train. Two boys, JUSTIN and MICHAEL, peer out the window excitedly, the electric engines drone to a halt. An elevated station, their first view of Berlin.
Their father, NICK SKULSKI, puts his thumb over the white "open door" button, mounted on the post. A vet and former "Checkpoint Charlie" M.P., he opens the future, and his past, with just one click.
Unexpectedly, the boys dart out of the opening doors and to the wall of windows. Skulski exits slowly, resists the temptation to call out. He's the model of composure.
Just then - a blinding flash from outside, a percussion so strong it sends the glass flying like a thousand needles. Bodies fly, the train lifts from the track.
Skulski lies in the ICU, covered in salve and a myriad of tubes. He wonders the obvious, seeing the doctor's grim face lets him know the answer: the boys didn't make it.
He digs deep; he could give in, leave in one piece, skip this town as he did twenty years before, when the wall came down.
But it's too late, Skulsky is in the mix again, full on, and this time it cost him more than his rank, his pride, someone took his own flesh and blood. A vow to himself, a promise never to leave Berlin again on someone else's terms.
An image in his mind: his thumb, pressing the white button, the switch, to the--
"OPEN DOOR"
Mid-day in a German S-Bahn commuter train. Two boys, JUSTIN and MICHAEL, peer out the window excitedly, the electric engines drone to a halt. An elevated station, their first view of Berlin.
Their father, NICK SKULSKI, puts his thumb over the white "open door" button, mounted on the post. A vet and former "Checkpoint Charlie" M.P., he opens the future, and his past, with just one click.
Unexpectedly, the boys dart out of the opening doors and to the wall of windows. Skulski exits slowly, resists the temptation to call out. He's the model of composure.
Just then - a blinding flash from outside, a percussion so strong it sends the glass flying like a thousand needles. Bodies fly, the train lifts from the track.
Skulski lies in the ICU, covered in salve and a myriad of tubes. He wonders the obvious, seeing the doctor's grim face lets him know the answer: the boys didn't make it.
He digs deep; he could give in, leave in one piece, skip this town as he did twenty years before, when the wall came down.
But it's too late, Skulsky is in the mix again, full on, and this time it cost him more than his rank, his pride, someone took his own flesh and blood. A vow to himself, a promise never to leave Berlin again on someone else's terms.
An image in his mind: his thumb, pressing the white button, the switch, to the--
"OPEN DOOR"
Friday, August 7, 2009
CINERGY: MY HERO!
INT. SCREENED PORCH - LATE MORNING
BRIAN hunches over his LAPTOP.
The DRONING of the neighbor's LAWNMOWER fills the air.
He EYES long blades of CRABGRASS, just beyond the confines of the PORCH, SEED heads WAVING to him.
BRIAN (V.O.)
It's been an exciting week, as I just discovered the art of screenwriting. With my trusty P.C. and the internet, I've been exposed to a wealth of information.
(beat)
Thanks to the site WORDPLAYER.COM, I learned some of the vernacular, like V.O., which means voice-over. Or "filtered" as a parenthetical, which is a description of mood, sound, or short bits of action, right under the character's name.
BRIAN (V.O.)
(filtered)
This is how I sound over the telephone, on the radio, through a bullhorn. I love this effect in music, I saw Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots use it in concert, at the beginning of the song "Dead and Bloated". He had a short bullhorn, holding it up to the mike he spouted the opening lines," I-AM, SMELLIN'-LIKE-A-ROSE-THAT-SOME-BODY-GAVE-ME...". So simple, yet amazing, it's gripping.
(beat)
I could easily describe all the songs on the "CORE" CD, also known among hoosiers and enthusiasts as "the PLUSH album". I've had the same CD in my mini-van since the year 2000. Why? Because it's familiar, I know all the words and sounds, it's motivating, I love it. Plus the fact that I don't buy CD's anymore. I refuse to borrow from my lovely wife's collection because I treat CD's like crap, I never clean them or put them back in their case, let alone return them to that big, finely organized drawer she keeps them in.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Oh shit, I just noticed I said all of that in a "filtered" mode, sorry! I hope your ears aren't ringing.
Brian stretches, looking down at MAUS, the white cat. She is GUARDING the doorway to the HOUSE INTERIOR, SPHINX style.
BRIAN (V.O.)
(filtered)
-
BRIAN (V.O.)
Just kidding, no more filter!
(beat)
Anyway, in my journey into screenwriting, one of the biggest fears was formatting a screenplay. As I read deeper into the blogs of my trusted mentors, I found that the wrong format can shitcan any script, let alone a good one!
(beat)
I can do HTML, my stepmother even once trained me to do algebra. And though I had no idea what I was doing, I could write those x's and y's with parentheses and get a perfect grade. Weird. But TAB, and MARGINS? Are you kidding? That scares the living shit out of me, then you tell me that lack of the proper format will land my script in a far-off recycling bin? Scary.
INT. BLOG READER #1 OFFICE - DAY
BLOG READER #1
(cynically)
Haha! See kid? Screenwriting isn't for the NOVICE! This dumbass is probably still trying to find out how to indent a WORDPAD document!
BRIAN (V.O.)
(relieved)
Then I found CINERGY!
BLOG READER #1
(questioning)
CINERGY??
BRIAN (V.O.)
Yep, one easy free download and Cinergy solved all of my problems. It's my dream and the professional's nightmare, because this little gem does all that crap that I am scared of, namely dealing with TABS and MARGINS and all. Yeah!
BLOG READER #1
(disdain)
No program is going to help this kid write the perfect script. Who invents this stuff anyway, like ANYONE could become a SCREENWRITER!
BRIAN (V.O.)
(confidently)
They CAN!
BLOG READER #1
(startled)
HUH? What was that??
BRIAN (V.O.)
Me, numbnuts, just keep reading, I'll tell you about the Holy Grail of scripting that I found.
INT. SCREENED PORCH - LATE MORNING
A EUPHORIC jazz guitar riff OOZES out of the interior's TV SPEAKERS.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Now back to my little utopian gem that is called CINERGY. After arming myself with tidbits of advice from TERRI ROSSIO at WORDPLAYER, I went to MINDSTARPRODS.COM for the download. It went quick, and soon I was doing an edit>copy>paste from a notepad doc where I was working on my unformatted script.
(beat)
Not that easy, unfortunately, because my lack of format translated to a lot of "forced blank lines" in Cinergy.
BLOG READER #1 (V.O.)
(matter of factly)
Told you so, kid.
BRIAN (V.O.)
But, as a professional SHOULD know, the tenacity of a novice is something to behold. Through a tedious process of using the BACKSPACE, I omitted these unneeded, empty lines.
INT. BLOG READER #2 DEN - DAY
BLOG READER #2
(smiling)
That's the way man, don't give up.
BRIAN (V.O.)
I won't, thank you.
(beat)
So I would have to claim CINERGY as my biggest success this week. That, and the fact that we finally found a vacation rental on the Charleston coast that will let us bring ALL FOUR PETS! I have more than ten pages of formatted script, and a one-week rental with my lovely wife and "kids".
INT. SCREENED PORCH - LATE MORNING
Brian leans back, STARES into the blue South Carolina SKY, and RELISHES the THOUGHT of writing at the OCEAN, just like a REAL SCREENWRITER!
BRIAN (V.O.)
I can do this, I really can, folks. Please stay tuned.
BRIAN hunches over his LAPTOP.
The DRONING of the neighbor's LAWNMOWER fills the air.
He EYES long blades of CRABGRASS, just beyond the confines of the PORCH, SEED heads WAVING to him.
BRIAN (V.O.)
It's been an exciting week, as I just discovered the art of screenwriting. With my trusty P.C. and the internet, I've been exposed to a wealth of information.
(beat)
Thanks to the site WORDPLAYER.COM, I learned some of the vernacular, like V.O., which means voice-over. Or "filtered" as a parenthetical, which is a description of mood, sound, or short bits of action, right under the character's name.
BRIAN (V.O.)
(filtered)
This is how I sound over the telephone, on the radio, through a bullhorn. I love this effect in music, I saw Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots use it in concert, at the beginning of the song "Dead and Bloated". He had a short bullhorn, holding it up to the mike he spouted the opening lines," I-AM, SMELLIN'-LIKE-A-ROSE-THAT-SOME-BODY-GAVE-ME...". So simple, yet amazing, it's gripping.
(beat)
I could easily describe all the songs on the "CORE" CD, also known among hoosiers and enthusiasts as "the PLUSH album". I've had the same CD in my mini-van since the year 2000. Why? Because it's familiar, I know all the words and sounds, it's motivating, I love it. Plus the fact that I don't buy CD's anymore. I refuse to borrow from my lovely wife's collection because I treat CD's like crap, I never clean them or put them back in their case, let alone return them to that big, finely organized drawer she keeps them in.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Oh shit, I just noticed I said all of that in a "filtered" mode, sorry! I hope your ears aren't ringing.
Brian stretches, looking down at MAUS, the white cat. She is GUARDING the doorway to the HOUSE INTERIOR, SPHINX style.
BRIAN (V.O.)
(filtered)
-
BRIAN (V.O.)
Just kidding, no more filter!
(beat)
Anyway, in my journey into screenwriting, one of the biggest fears was formatting a screenplay. As I read deeper into the blogs of my trusted mentors, I found that the wrong format can shitcan any script, let alone a good one!
(beat)
I can do HTML, my stepmother even once trained me to do algebra. And though I had no idea what I was doing, I could write those x's and y's with parentheses and get a perfect grade. Weird. But TAB, and MARGINS? Are you kidding? That scares the living shit out of me, then you tell me that lack of the proper format will land my script in a far-off recycling bin? Scary.
INT. BLOG READER #1 OFFICE - DAY
BLOG READER #1
(cynically)
Haha! See kid? Screenwriting isn't for the NOVICE! This dumbass is probably still trying to find out how to indent a WORDPAD document!
BRIAN (V.O.)
(relieved)
Then I found CINERGY!
BLOG READER #1
(questioning)
CINERGY??
BRIAN (V.O.)
Yep, one easy free download and Cinergy solved all of my problems. It's my dream and the professional's nightmare, because this little gem does all that crap that I am scared of, namely dealing with TABS and MARGINS and all. Yeah!
BLOG READER #1
(disdain)
No program is going to help this kid write the perfect script. Who invents this stuff anyway, like ANYONE could become a SCREENWRITER!
BRIAN (V.O.)
(confidently)
They CAN!
BLOG READER #1
(startled)
HUH? What was that??
BRIAN (V.O.)
Me, numbnuts, just keep reading, I'll tell you about the Holy Grail of scripting that I found.
INT. SCREENED PORCH - LATE MORNING
A EUPHORIC jazz guitar riff OOZES out of the interior's TV SPEAKERS.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Now back to my little utopian gem that is called CINERGY. After arming myself with tidbits of advice from TERRI ROSSIO at WORDPLAYER, I went to MINDSTARPRODS.COM for the download. It went quick, and soon I was doing an edit>copy>paste from a notepad doc where I was working on my unformatted script.
(beat)
Not that easy, unfortunately, because my lack of format translated to a lot of "forced blank lines" in Cinergy.
BLOG READER #1 (V.O.)
(matter of factly)
Told you so, kid.
BRIAN (V.O.)
But, as a professional SHOULD know, the tenacity of a novice is something to behold. Through a tedious process of using the BACKSPACE, I omitted these unneeded, empty lines.
INT. BLOG READER #2 DEN - DAY
BLOG READER #2
(smiling)
That's the way man, don't give up.
BRIAN (V.O.)
I won't, thank you.
(beat)
So I would have to claim CINERGY as my biggest success this week. That, and the fact that we finally found a vacation rental on the Charleston coast that will let us bring ALL FOUR PETS! I have more than ten pages of formatted script, and a one-week rental with my lovely wife and "kids".
INT. SCREENED PORCH - LATE MORNING
Brian leans back, STARES into the blue South Carolina SKY, and RELISHES the THOUGHT of writing at the OCEAN, just like a REAL SCREENWRITER!
BRIAN (V.O.)
I can do this, I really can, folks. Please stay tuned.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
MAN OVERBOARD!
INT. SCREENED PORCH - LATE MORNING
Brian is on a roll, TAPPING away at the dated LAPTOP.
MAUS the female CAT, otherwise known as MOOPY, rests near Brian's leg, in the SHADE of the CHAIR.
BRIAN
(sweetly)
Good-girl. You're a good girl, Moopy. Daddy loves the Moopy.
A LADY walks by at a BRISK PACE, SWINGING her ARMS.
She is EXCERCISING.
Brian WAVES, she RETURNS it.
WALKING LADY #1
(friendly)
I love what you've done with the yard!
Brian
(appreciative)
Thanks, got a ways to go though!
WALKING LADY #1
(unintelligible)
BRIAN (V.O.)
Wonder if she was being cynical? Hehe.
(beat)
By now you're probably wondering how I get the opportunity to write so much. If you're a professional screenwriter, you can already count the ways. If you're that novice with a full-time job, five kids, and over an acre of crabgrass, you're wondering alright.
Brian's EYES DART to the CRABGRASS, and QUICKLY back DOWN into the KEYBOARD.
BRIAN (V.O.)
For me, this venture is a lot like holding one's breath. You decide on the level of pain, how long to stay under. You might want to count to yourself under there, or think of a moment in time, like a sexual experience, that might be a good distraction. But in the end it is a matter of discipline, how long you choose to deprive yourself of oxygen.
EXT. SUBSURFACE OCEAN - DAY
We see Brian UNDERWATER, eyes and mouth CLOSED TIGHTLY, small BUBBLES come from his PALE LIPS.
He LOOKS UP at the DIVIDE between WATER and AIR, SHAKING his HEAD DEFIANTLY.
He's NOT coming UP, not YET at LEAST.
BRIAN (V.O.)
That divide between water and air might be some impending bills, a loved one, a full-time job, a meal.
INT. BLOG READER #1 OFFICE - DAY
BLOG READER #1
(disdain)
WHAT? This kid is a NOVICE "screenwriter" and thinks he knows it all. I'VE been there and back, I'M the one making a LIVING from this.
BRIAN (V.O.)
(bothered)
Ahemm. What some "professional screenwriters", that of the bitchy type, seem to fail to realize, is that they are not the only ones in life who have had to scratch and survive. People do it everyday, in a lot of different occupations and situations other than screenwriting.
BLOG READER #1
Haha! This guy was a PAINTER, that's a real struggle: get a bucket of paint and slap it on, real challenge!
BRIAN (V.O.)
For the record, I was and still am a decorative artist and instructor. I paint Trompe l'oeil - murals, faux finishes, whatever the discriminating, rich client wishes to see. I also teach people in the art and business of doing such. And I just happen to be writing a script, or a few of them, for all you know.
(beat)
And as a disciplined instructor, I am going to mention the fact that if a certain "blog reader" interrupts me again they will be hereby banished from the blog.
Blog Reader #1 shakes his head in DISBELIEF.
INT. SCREENED PORCH - DAY
BRIAN (V.O.)
The point I was making was that I can hold my breath for a long time in any business. I make time to. Oh sure, sometimes I have to stick my head up for a moment and catch another breath before submerging again. And, because of my responsibilities, mostly that of my family life, sometimes I have to get completely out of the water.
(beat)
BUT, if I don't get back in there soon, I might just lose the will or ability to get down there and hold my breath.
(beat)
Excuse me, tide's coming in, I can't miss this!
EXT. OCEAN - DAY
We see Brian RUNNING full out, FEARLESSLY into the CRASHING WAVES. He STUMBLES to one KNEE, THROWN by the incredible WEIGHT of the WATER. He GETS BACK UP.
BRIAN
(gasping)
DON'T STOP, YOU BASTARD!!
Brian keeps RUNNING, the WATER rising to his CHEST, he BENDS forward, SUBMERGING.
We see his PINK, size ten FEET, DISAPPEAR into the foamy WATERS.
Brian is on a roll, TAPPING away at the dated LAPTOP.
MAUS the female CAT, otherwise known as MOOPY, rests near Brian's leg, in the SHADE of the CHAIR.
BRIAN
(sweetly)
Good-girl. You're a good girl, Moopy. Daddy loves the Moopy.
A LADY walks by at a BRISK PACE, SWINGING her ARMS.
She is EXCERCISING.
Brian WAVES, she RETURNS it.
WALKING LADY #1
(friendly)
I love what you've done with the yard!
Brian
(appreciative)
Thanks, got a ways to go though!
WALKING LADY #1
(unintelligible)
BRIAN (V.O.)
Wonder if she was being cynical? Hehe.
(beat)
By now you're probably wondering how I get the opportunity to write so much. If you're a professional screenwriter, you can already count the ways. If you're that novice with a full-time job, five kids, and over an acre of crabgrass, you're wondering alright.
Brian's EYES DART to the CRABGRASS, and QUICKLY back DOWN into the KEYBOARD.
BRIAN (V.O.)
For me, this venture is a lot like holding one's breath. You decide on the level of pain, how long to stay under. You might want to count to yourself under there, or think of a moment in time, like a sexual experience, that might be a good distraction. But in the end it is a matter of discipline, how long you choose to deprive yourself of oxygen.
EXT. SUBSURFACE OCEAN - DAY
We see Brian UNDERWATER, eyes and mouth CLOSED TIGHTLY, small BUBBLES come from his PALE LIPS.
He LOOKS UP at the DIVIDE between WATER and AIR, SHAKING his HEAD DEFIANTLY.
He's NOT coming UP, not YET at LEAST.
BRIAN (V.O.)
That divide between water and air might be some impending bills, a loved one, a full-time job, a meal.
INT. BLOG READER #1 OFFICE - DAY
BLOG READER #1
(disdain)
WHAT? This kid is a NOVICE "screenwriter" and thinks he knows it all. I'VE been there and back, I'M the one making a LIVING from this.
BRIAN (V.O.)
(bothered)
Ahemm. What some "professional screenwriters", that of the bitchy type, seem to fail to realize, is that they are not the only ones in life who have had to scratch and survive. People do it everyday, in a lot of different occupations and situations other than screenwriting.
BLOG READER #1
Haha! This guy was a PAINTER, that's a real struggle: get a bucket of paint and slap it on, real challenge!
BRIAN (V.O.)
For the record, I was and still am a decorative artist and instructor. I paint Trompe l'oeil - murals, faux finishes, whatever the discriminating, rich client wishes to see. I also teach people in the art and business of doing such. And I just happen to be writing a script, or a few of them, for all you know.
(beat)
And as a disciplined instructor, I am going to mention the fact that if a certain "blog reader" interrupts me again they will be hereby banished from the blog.
Blog Reader #1 shakes his head in DISBELIEF.
INT. SCREENED PORCH - DAY
BRIAN (V.O.)
The point I was making was that I can hold my breath for a long time in any business. I make time to. Oh sure, sometimes I have to stick my head up for a moment and catch another breath before submerging again. And, because of my responsibilities, mostly that of my family life, sometimes I have to get completely out of the water.
(beat)
BUT, if I don't get back in there soon, I might just lose the will or ability to get down there and hold my breath.
(beat)
Excuse me, tide's coming in, I can't miss this!
EXT. OCEAN - DAY
We see Brian RUNNING full out, FEARLESSLY into the CRASHING WAVES. He STUMBLES to one KNEE, THROWN by the incredible WEIGHT of the WATER. He GETS BACK UP.
BRIAN
(gasping)
DON'T STOP, YOU BASTARD!!
Brian keeps RUNNING, the WATER rising to his CHEST, he BENDS forward, SUBMERGING.
We see his PINK, size ten FEET, DISAPPEAR into the foamy WATERS.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
"MEETING" JUDD APATOW
EXT. BACKYARD - MORNING
BRIAN plays with CAESAR, the lab mix. After the dog meticulously INVESTIGATES the backyard for imaginary PROWLERS, he is up for a game of HALF FETCH.
Brian THROWS the TENNIS BALL, Caesar dashes to RETRIEVE, but instead of returning the ball he does a FLY-BY, and circles around.
Eventually Brian WRESTLES the ball from Caesar's mouth and they REPEAT the motions.
INT. SCREENED PORCH - SUNRISE
We see BRIAN on the LAPTOP again.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Since wanting to write a screenplay, I've consciously kept an open ear about professional writers. That means I lunged for the remote when my lovely wife said she might watch "What Not to Wear", right in the middle of a "Sixty-Minutes" interview with JUDD APATOW.
INT. BLOG READERS - DAYTIME
We see BLOG READERS, who happen to be professional WRITERS, reading the blog on their LAPTOPS.
BLOG READER #1
(matter of factly)
Oh yeah, I know, Judd A-P-A-T-O-W.
BLOG READER #2
(nods head)
Oh, cool, he's learning about Apatow.
BRIAN (V.O.)
I gotta admit, somewhere in the show my mind started wandering off, I can't even tell you if it was Morley Safer or Steve Kroft doing the interview. Is Morley Safer still alive?
We see the BLOG READERS panning down the page, READING.
BRIAN (V.O.)
I was daydreaming about how my own life would change if I could sell a screenplay, when all along I needed to be learning about Judd Apatow.
(beat)
Anyway, luckily enough, the weekly TIME magazine, filed right next to our toilet, also has an interview with Judd. Seeing that, I felt I already got some kind of second chance as a writer, a sort of epiphany that I should keep my head out of my ass.
We see BLOG READER #1, sending out a TWEET, his fingers speeding over his I-PHONE.
BLOG READER #1
(typing)
Here's an amateur blog from a guy who thinks he can sell a screenplay, AND HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHO JUDD APATOW IS! Send your condolences to
http://screenwritesofpassage.blogspot.com/
INT. SCREENED PORCH - SUNRISE
BRIAN (V.O.)
(typing)
What do I know, now, about Judd Apatow? Well, I mostly noticed the things we have in commmon: he is forty-something, has extreme back pain, and also has a beautiful, educated, red-headed lovely wife. He will only take an aisle seat at the movies in case he "freaks out", which I can also attest to. He views "projects as problems" and seems to never give up, same way here. He has a great body of work, the only thing in common there is that I've seen "The Forty Year Old Virgin" and "Forgetting Sarah Marshall". Funny stuff, alright.
(beat)
The things we don't have in common are much too long to explain. At the top of my list is the fact that he can grow a full beard, I can't. I have a Spencer Pratt-ish, flesh-colored beard veiling my chin and a fake moustache; it wouldn't qualify as "real".
BLOG READER #2
(curious)
Think I just got a Tweet.
He looks at his BLACKBERRY, it's the TWEET from BLOG READER #1.
BLOG READER #2
(disgust)
Give the guy a break, damn!
BRIAN (V.O.)
In retrospect, I don't WANT to know everything about Judd Apatow, I don't want to subconsciously be copying him in any...
Brian feels a BITE on LEG. He INSPECTS the location and finds an ANT that looks the size of a PINHEAD. He sees the same on his FEET and FRANTICALLY rubs his lower body, SMASHING the ANTS.
BRIAN (V.O.)
(relieved)
way, shape, or form.
(beat)
The good thing is that I know what Judd Apatow looks like. Should I ever see him, I'll know that he is a successful screenwriter and producer. He tops the record of using the "F-word" in a film. No doubt will he be unintimidated my my sparse, flesh-colored facial growth. We will have immediate mutual respect for one another when I explain that the disc under my L4 vertebrae is severely ruptured.
(beat)
If there's one way for men to bond it's over back pain issues and uses for the "F-word"!
BRIAN plays with CAESAR, the lab mix. After the dog meticulously INVESTIGATES the backyard for imaginary PROWLERS, he is up for a game of HALF FETCH.
Brian THROWS the TENNIS BALL, Caesar dashes to RETRIEVE, but instead of returning the ball he does a FLY-BY, and circles around.
Eventually Brian WRESTLES the ball from Caesar's mouth and they REPEAT the motions.
INT. SCREENED PORCH - SUNRISE
We see BRIAN on the LAPTOP again.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Since wanting to write a screenplay, I've consciously kept an open ear about professional writers. That means I lunged for the remote when my lovely wife said she might watch "What Not to Wear", right in the middle of a "Sixty-Minutes" interview with JUDD APATOW.
INT. BLOG READERS - DAYTIME
We see BLOG READERS, who happen to be professional WRITERS, reading the blog on their LAPTOPS.
BLOG READER #1
(matter of factly)
Oh yeah, I know, Judd A-P-A-T-O-W.
BLOG READER #2
(nods head)
Oh, cool, he's learning about Apatow.
BRIAN (V.O.)
I gotta admit, somewhere in the show my mind started wandering off, I can't even tell you if it was Morley Safer or Steve Kroft doing the interview. Is Morley Safer still alive?
We see the BLOG READERS panning down the page, READING.
BRIAN (V.O.)
I was daydreaming about how my own life would change if I could sell a screenplay, when all along I needed to be learning about Judd Apatow.
(beat)
Anyway, luckily enough, the weekly TIME magazine, filed right next to our toilet, also has an interview with Judd. Seeing that, I felt I already got some kind of second chance as a writer, a sort of epiphany that I should keep my head out of my ass.
We see BLOG READER #1, sending out a TWEET, his fingers speeding over his I-PHONE.
BLOG READER #1
(typing)
Here's an amateur blog from a guy who thinks he can sell a screenplay, AND HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHO JUDD APATOW IS! Send your condolences to
http://screenwritesofpassage.blogspot.com/
INT. SCREENED PORCH - SUNRISE
BRIAN (V.O.)
(typing)
What do I know, now, about Judd Apatow? Well, I mostly noticed the things we have in commmon: he is forty-something, has extreme back pain, and also has a beautiful, educated, red-headed lovely wife. He will only take an aisle seat at the movies in case he "freaks out", which I can also attest to. He views "projects as problems" and seems to never give up, same way here. He has a great body of work, the only thing in common there is that I've seen "The Forty Year Old Virgin" and "Forgetting Sarah Marshall". Funny stuff, alright.
(beat)
The things we don't have in common are much too long to explain. At the top of my list is the fact that he can grow a full beard, I can't. I have a Spencer Pratt-ish, flesh-colored beard veiling my chin and a fake moustache; it wouldn't qualify as "real".
BLOG READER #2
(curious)
Think I just got a Tweet.
He looks at his BLACKBERRY, it's the TWEET from BLOG READER #1.
BLOG READER #2
(disgust)
Give the guy a break, damn!
BRIAN (V.O.)
In retrospect, I don't WANT to know everything about Judd Apatow, I don't want to subconsciously be copying him in any...
Brian feels a BITE on LEG. He INSPECTS the location and finds an ANT that looks the size of a PINHEAD. He sees the same on his FEET and FRANTICALLY rubs his lower body, SMASHING the ANTS.
BRIAN (V.O.)
(relieved)
way, shape, or form.
(beat)
The good thing is that I know what Judd Apatow looks like. Should I ever see him, I'll know that he is a successful screenwriter and producer. He tops the record of using the "F-word" in a film. No doubt will he be unintimidated my my sparse, flesh-colored facial growth. We will have immediate mutual respect for one another when I explain that the disc under my L4 vertebrae is severely ruptured.
(beat)
If there's one way for men to bond it's over back pain issues and uses for the "F-word"!
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
WELCOME TO THE CRABGRASS JUNGLE
INT. SCREENED PORCH - SUNRISE
Streams of SUNLIGHT pass through the SCREENED BEAMS, two CATS rest on WICKER furniture, a DOG patrols the painted cement floor.
We see BRIAN BULLARD bent over a DELL laptop, cigarette in mouth.
He's BAREFOOT, in SHORTS covered with CAT HAIR, his red locks in BEDHEAD fashion.
SMOOTH JAZZ streams from the TV indoors.
BRIAN (V.O.)
(calmly)
I hope this scene looks like a professional writer at work, because it certainly is not. The only thing I know about writers is what I scoured from the internet. I've seen few films, read few books, I probably can't name five contemporary screenwriters on one hand. Let's give that a try:
BRIAN
(counts with fingers)
One, Cody Diablo, learned about her online yesterday.
Two, Patricia Burroughs, found her on the web as well.
Three, umm... who's that pretty english lady who wrote the Harry Potter stuff? Damn, tip of my tongue.
BRIAN wrinkles his forehead in thought, he is DISMAYED that he will have to do another INTERNET search to find the name of the AUTHOR, who is actually NOT a SCREENWRITER.
BRIAN (V.O.)
(reassured)
I'm confident that the less I know, the better, at least for now. I definitely lower my risks of plagiarizing anyone. I mean, the last thing I think I should do is pore through a stack of successful scripts looking for a secret recipe, or? Although I couldn't help myself when I found the "JUNO" script posted online at SCRIBD.COM
(beat)
BRIAN exhales and flexes his CHEST forward, grimacing. We can hear internal POPPING sounds in his VERTEBRAE.
BRIAN exhales and flexes his CHEST forward, grimacing. We can hear internal POPPING sounds in his VERTEBRAE.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Ahh, JUNO, now that's an indulgent read, I had to unlink it from my favorites so I could finally get some work done. More on that script later.
(beat)
Yes, I'm an amateur, for now at least. Here I am putting it all out there, starting with the truth. I'm virtually popping my screenwriting cherry before you. It's just like a GOOD first time, the one you had imagined. It's sweet, innocent, exciting, naive.
Yes, I'm an amateur, for now at least. Here I am putting it all out there, starting with the truth. I'm virtually popping my screenwriting cherry before you. It's just like a GOOD first time, the one you had imagined. It's sweet, innocent, exciting, naive.
BRIAN shakes his head, knowing that most people do not ENJOY their first EXPERIENCE. He blocks out thoughts of how this could be PAINFUL.
BRIAN (V.O.)
So far I think I have what it takes: a reasonable command of the english (and german) language, a passion, and plenty of time on my hands, that probably being most important. Let's face it, you can be the potentially best writer in the world, but if you have a full-time job, five kids, and one and a half acres of crabgrass to maintain, you're going nowhere. I only have the latter: more than an acre of rolling hills covered with crabgrass. Thank god for riding mowers.
BRIAN PEERS out at the dew-covered LAWN, SURVEYING its HEIGHT. It's due for MOWING, yet again.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Along with my small skillset, passion, and plenty of time, I have experiences. It is said that everyone has a book in them. I really don't take much stock in that saying. I do however believe that I have unique experiences, more than just those women who would talk about their dating escapades and tell me "I could write a book about this". C'mon, you and every other woman that ever dated, that would make for a lot of dating books, which there are, I guess.
(beat)
I'm not going to bore you with dating escapades.
BRIAN checks the TIME on his LAPTOP. Eight-thirty A.M., even. Being part O.C.D., this makes him feel good. It's a ritualistic SIGN of order and PROGRESS.
He SAVES the FILE.
BRIAN (V.O.)
About myself: I just turned forty-three the other day, a six-foot tall, white male descendant of the ancient Pict tribe, as witnessed by my red hair and pale skin. I'm married to a beautiful, educated woman who works in the corporate world. No kids, three cats, and a one year-old labrador-ridgeback mix rescue.
(beat)
We moved here, to South Carolina, one year ago, from St. Louis, Missouri. There I owned a national level, private school for the decorative arts. I trained, mostly women in their forties, the fundamental skills of decorative artistry and coached them in establishing their own small business. Since the year 2000 the Decorative Arts Center has been a great success, but we were impacted by the economy in recent years. We rely on students having $1500 in expendable cash to attend class; a hard find nowadays.
We moved here, to South Carolina, one year ago, from St. Louis, Missouri. There I owned a national level, private school for the decorative arts. I trained, mostly women in their forties, the fundamental skills of decorative artistry and coached them in establishing their own small business. Since the year 2000 the Decorative Arts Center has been a great success, but we were impacted by the economy in recent years. We rely on students having $1500 in expendable cash to attend class; a hard find nowadays.
BRIAN cracks his back again, turns to view NATALIE, the third CAT, gingerly creeping onto the PORCH. The DOG, CAESAR, notices her movement and TROTS after her, forcing her hasty EXODUS.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Since then, my primary duty is my FAKE JOB as I call it: landscaping, renovating, taking care of the pets, cooking; I'm apt to all forms of domestication. I call it a fake job because there is no paycheck, but don't get me wrong, my lovely wife has been rather gracious and supportive while I try to get back on my feet again.
(beat)
And the best thing is that she believes me when I say I can make money as a screenwriter. There IS a good woman behind every successful man.
BRIAN leans back, grabs his LEFT ANKLE, PULLS back slowly, and a POP eminates from his KNEE. He inquisitively does the same with his RIGHT LEG and gets the same resulting POP.
BRIAN (V.O.)
So that's me, in a nutshell. As for my many unique experiences, which I believe at least partly qualify me to be a screenwriter, these will be divulged in my future posts...
(beat)
and hopefully scripts!
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