SEED MONEY

INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

A bluejay lands on the dogwood tree outside the screen. He sqwawks about the lack of seed in the empty feeders. He rotates his head, almost robotically, emitting sounds after each move.

BLUEJAY
(angrily)
Gimme some damn seed!!

BRIAN
Well, hello, little guy, can I interest you in a health care program?

BLUEJAY
What? I said seed!! Gimme some seed!!

BRIAN
One moment, I have here a report from the Bureau of Labor Statistics. It shows that we're not losing as much seed as we have in previous months.

BLUEJAY
(pissed)
Because they're none left to eat, you dumbass!! Fill the feeder, I want some seed!

BRIAN
In fact, we're saving seed by not refilling feeders.

BLUEJAY
(cynically)
No shit? Then where do I eat? Where do I get seed?

BRIAN
Well, we have incorporated a new program: instead of wasting seeding by simply feeding it to birds, we will plant the seed, providing crops, which will produce more seed.

BLUEJAY
And when will the crops be good for harvest?

BRIAN
By two-thousand-eleven, I believe.

BLUEJAY
WHAT??

BRIAN
Yes, isn't it amazing? It's also a sustainable, a green technology at its best. And, we're providing work for those who plant seeds!

BLUEJAY
I'm a freaking bluejay, I don't plant seed, I eat it!

BRIAN
New seed planting jobs rose by one percent last quarter.

BLUEJAY
Look dude, that's neat and all, I guess that is some positive news. The problem is that I do what I do, you can't simply retrain a bird to plant seed, I would starve in the process. It's my job just to find the seed and eat it, I've done that all of my life.

BRIAN
Studies show that new baby birds are interested in seed technology..

BLUEJAY
WHAT?? They're interested in eating it, that's about it.

BRIAN
..and that the seed program will result in more nests built.

BLUEJAY
Don't get me started on nests, I damn near lost my nest this year! In fact, I had a cowbird in there, ever have to raise a cowbird? It cost me a lot of seed, seed I didn't have to spend!

BRIAN
Trends show that nest losses have nearly bottomed out..

BLUEJAY
Yeah, like seed losses? Get the correlation there? No new nests, less seed being eaten? That makes for a lot of starving, homeless birds.

BRIAN
..and we are optimistic about next quarter's...

BLUEJAY
I've had it! You know, if I were an eagle, or some other big-assed bird, I'd fly to some other country. I'd fly there and get some seed from people that understand that birds need to be fed, not trained to plant seed.

BRIAN
..and like our foreign friends, we're looking to implement a health care program for..

BLUEJAY
You're gonna need it with all these starving, homeless birds flying around!

The bluejay flies off in his fruitless search for seed. Brian goes back to typing his script, confident that the bird will one day "get it".

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. BLUE SKY - MORNING

A thick, swirling mass appears overhead, like tiny synchronized dots in motion. It's thousands of birds, it appears they are headed in Brian's direction.

BRIAN
(scared)
HOLY...

BIRDS
(loudly)
SEED! We're coming to get our seed, you bastard!!

FADE OUT