SITCOMS GONE SAD

EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

ANGLE on MAUS the CAT, who is doing UPSIDE-DOWN-HEAD on a WICKER chair.
CAESAR the DOG rests with his NOSE against the protective SCREEN, looking out onto the YARD.
We see a large BUMBLEBEE floating ERRATICALLY to the MESH, bumping it.
THANK GOD for the SCREEN.

BRIAN (V.O.)
I'm feeling pretty serious, that's a good thing. It means I've learned a lot already, mostly by reading the posts from my few mentors. I stayed up late last night, wine glass in hand, reading some of the most compelling things possibly ever written about the screenwriting industry. And like any good film, I'm not going to bog you down with too much "serious" writing. My "high concept" is to keep you laughing at me while I fumble along on this journey.
(beat)
I'm not going to stick you with a "sit-com gone sad" blog.
(beat)
One of the most irritating things about a movie can be the "SITCOMS go SAD" syndrome, me and my lovely wife can't stand that. Like "WEDDING CRASHERS", which was funny in the first two acts, but by round three we wanted to jump into the screen and give OWEN WILSON a "funny intervention". No fault of his; maybe the writer, producer, director, and a reception party full of industry personnel exercised their option to screw it up. But Owen agreed to it, he spoke the sad lines, he tried sucking us into a honeymoon of melancholic crap!
(beat)
In an analogy, it's like someone building up what seems to be a great joke, then smothering the punchline with a bunch of schmaltz.

INT. BAR - NIGHT

We see a CROWD at the BAR.
EVERYONE is INTRIGUED by the BARTENDER, he commands ATTENTION.
It's TOM CRUISE in a black VEST, gleefully JUGGLING vodka BOTTLES, and telling a JOKE to the crowd.

CRUISE
(delivers punchline)
...and she says, "THAT'S why it's called a whiskey SOUR!!".

CROWD
(cracking up)
HAAAAAAA!

YUPPIE DRINKER #1
(kissing ass)
Hehe, that was a GREAT ONE, TOMMY! Tell us another!!

CRUISE
(seriously)
Okay now, pay close attention here, attention...
(beat)
An old guy walks into a pharmacy, a pharmacy, to get his PRESCRIPTION...

The CROWD leans in, all SMILING, knowing this will be good.

CRUISE
A sexy young blonde, in front of him, asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms...CONDOMS.
(beat)
She makes the purchase, turns around, and the old guy notices she's his DOCTOR.
(beat)
"Oh, hi Mr. Jones" she says, and turns all RED.
And he says, "Hi doc, just getting my heart meds!".
"This is embarrassing", she replies..
And the old guy says, "Oh, don't be embarrassed, I've bought condoms before".
She replies, "No, embarrassing that you're waiting on heart meds...HEART MEDS".
"Why is that?" he asks, and she says...

CRUISE has a wide GRIN.
The CROWD anticipates the PUNCHLINE.

CRUISE
(laughing)
You won't be needing those, you've got terminal CANCER!!

It's SILENT, the CROWD is MOTIONLESS.
CRUISE is giving us the widest shot of his PEARLY WHITES.
He COCKS his HEAD to the side, with a big GRIN.

CRUISE
(smiling whisper)
Cancer!

The CROWD slowly leaves their BARSTOOLS

CHICK #1
(sighing)
Oh man.

CRUISE
(pleading)
HEY! STICK AROUND, I got another one, a GOOD one, a BETTER one!
GUYS???

BULLARD
(sympathetically still sitting there)
Okay Tom, make it another.

INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

BRIAN (V.O.)
That's pretty much how I felt during "Wedding Crashers", dumb enough to sit it out. I gave them a chance to redeem it. Didn't happen.
(beat)
If I ever meet Tom Cruise I hope he has good jokes. If not that, at least a few good stories about the industry.
(beat)
And some secret tips on how to juggle vodka bottles!