"MEETING" JUDD APATOW

EXT. BACKYARD - MORNING

BRIAN plays with CAESAR, the lab mix. After the dog meticulously INVESTIGATES the backyard for imaginary PROWLERS, he is up for a game of HALF FETCH.

Brian THROWS the TENNIS BALL, Caesar dashes to RETRIEVE, but instead of returning the ball he does a FLY-BY, and circles around.

Eventually Brian WRESTLES the ball from Caesar's mouth and they REPEAT the motions.

INT. SCREENED PORCH - SUNRISE

We see BRIAN on the LAPTOP again.

BRIAN (V.O.)
Since wanting to write a screenplay, I've consciously kept an open ear about professional writers. That means I lunged for the remote when my lovely wife said she might watch "What Not to Wear", right in the middle of a "Sixty-Minutes" interview with JUDD APATOW.

INT. BLOG READERS - DAYTIME

We see BLOG READERS, who happen to be professional WRITERS, reading the blog on their LAPTOPS.

BLOG READER #1
(matter of factly)
Oh yeah, I know, Judd A-P-A-T-O-W.

BLOG READER #2
(nods head)
Oh, cool, he's learning about Apatow.

BRIAN (V.O.)
I gotta admit, somewhere in the show my mind started wandering off, I can't even tell you if it was Morley Safer or Steve Kroft doing the interview. Is Morley Safer still alive?

We see the BLOG READERS panning down the page, READING.

BRIAN (V.O.)
I was daydreaming about how my own life would change if I could sell a screenplay, when all along I needed to be learning about Judd Apatow.
(beat)
Anyway, luckily enough, the weekly TIME magazine, filed right next to our toilet, also has an interview with Judd. Seeing that, I felt I already got some kind of second chance as a writer, a sort of epiphany that I should keep my head out of my ass.

We see BLOG READER #1, sending out a TWEET, his fingers speeding over his I-PHONE.

BLOG READER #1
(typing)
Here's an amateur blog from a guy who thinks he can sell a screenplay, AND HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHO JUDD APATOW IS! Send your condolences to
http://screenwritesofpassage.blogspot.com/

INT. SCREENED PORCH - SUNRISE

BRIAN (V.O.)
(typing)
What do I know, now, about Judd Apatow? Well, I mostly noticed the things we have in commmon: he is forty-something, has extreme back pain, and also has a beautiful, educated, red-headed lovely wife. He will only take an aisle seat at the movies in case he "freaks out", which I can also attest to. He views "projects as problems" and seems to never give up, same way here. He has a great body of work, the only thing in common there is that I've seen "The Forty Year Old Virgin" and "Forgetting Sarah Marshall". Funny stuff, alright.
(beat)
The things we don't have in common are much too long to explain. At the top of my list is the fact that he can grow a full beard, I can't. I have a Spencer Pratt-ish, flesh-colored beard veiling my chin and a fake moustache; it wouldn't qualify as "real".

BLOG READER #2
(curious)
Think I just got a Tweet.

He looks at his BLACKBERRY, it's the TWEET from BLOG READER #1.

BLOG READER #2
(disgust)
Give the guy a break, damn!

BRIAN (V.O.)
In retrospect, I don't WANT to know everything about Judd Apatow, I don't want to subconsciously be copying him in any...

Brian feels a BITE on LEG. He INSPECTS the location and finds an ANT that looks the size of a PINHEAD. He sees the same on his FEET and FRANTICALLY rubs his lower body, SMASHING the ANTS.

BRIAN (V.O.)
(relieved)
way, shape, or form.
(beat)
The good thing is that I know what Judd Apatow looks like. Should I ever see him, I'll know that he is a successful screenwriter and producer. He tops the record of using the "F-word" in a film. No doubt will he be unintimidated my my sparse, flesh-colored facial growth. We will have immediate mutual respect for one another when I explain that the disc under my L4 vertebrae is severely ruptured.
(beat)
If there's one way for men to bond it's over back pain issues and uses for the "F-word"!