LOCKS OF LOVE

EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

A LADY, with a "BABY IN A SACK" across her CHEST, STRIDES up the slow INCLINE in full view of the PORCH. Her small, WHITE TERRIER, diligently at her side. Brian WAVES. She WAVES back.

BRIAN (V.O.)
"Baby in a Sack", gotta admire the inventor of that thing!
(beat)
In my quest to look more like a writer I have been growing my hair out. Where once whitish-pink or sunburned earlobes glistened, there are now long, red fringes of hair. The whole process has been quite a learning experience, namely that long hair is freaking HOT, I mean in temperature, it can get boiling under here!
(beat)
Women with long hair do not get enough appreciation for what they endure. For some unknown reason, girls with pixie-headed buzzcuts get a lot of respect and attention. They enjoy the low maintainence cut and all the cool breezes and praise, while the rest of the women are sweltering under their lovely locks, all in the name of femininity.
(beat)
And guys? They get even less respect for their long hair. In stores where I once was greeted with "how can I help you?" it's now "hey man"? How is it that every guy figures a man with longer hair wants to be referred to as man? It's "folicle profiling", I swear.

INT. OFFICE SUPPLY STORE

ANNOYING SALES GUY
Hey man, need any help?

BRIAN
No, umm, thanks, was just looking.

ANNOYING SALES GUY
Okay dude, but if you need something, I'm right here, man.

BRIAN
I was just leaving.

EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

BRIAN (V.O.)
I guess we all know why Fabio always has that forlorn look, under the heat of those locks, always being referred to as "man" or "dude.
(beat)
There was a guy with unusually long hair on Jeopardy, months ago. Turns out he grows it over ten inches to meet the required length for donating to "LOCKS OF LOVE", then has it cut.
(beat)
Rather noble gesture, because the worst thing about it is the heat, I swear.
(beat"
And dealing with all of this "folicle profiling", geesh!