WRITER'S CRAMP

INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

Nothing stirs, not even a Maus.. because Brian is in Atlanta! By the time you read this, he will be back, but right now he and Lovely Wife are soaking in the big urban paradise known as the "ATL".

BRIAN (V.O.)
Ahh, civilization, at last, how refreshing. Living in these small towns, people sound like each other, even start looking like one another. Scary stuff!
(beat)
So, let's take this Sunday to kick back and look upon my newfound career of screenwriting. This is my fortieth consecutive daily blog post, so we're over a month in. With that I have proven my will and stamina, my discipline. The mentors say this counts big in the industry, the profession deals with discipline and deadlines: a pitch, draft, rewrite, polish.. all perfectly formatted, spell checked, and bound. Dot the i's, cross the t's.

I haven't been lacking for content, that's a good thing. Not once have I illed under the famed "writer's block", a condition I'm sick of reading about on screenwriting blogs. What ISN'T there to write about? I've got writer's cramp, not block! Maybe it's because I've got forty-three years of this packed tightly into me, dying to get out? Whatever the case, it's not a problem, and won't be, unless something happens to my ten digits, all highly insured appendages of the decorative artist himself, if I may add.

Script-wise, it's been sweet, I "killed it", as Rachel Zoe would say. I'm almost three fourths done with my script, and those parts have been rewritten and polished several times. And I have yet to paste in all of my spontaneously scripted scenes from Wordpad. The goal is to have the script written by the end of the month, and I see no problem with that. Sixty days, from when I didn't even know the difference between O.S. (offscreen) and V.O. (voiceover), to a properly formatted and polished script. Not bad, eh?

And mind you, I was, and still am, learning in my fake, online scriptwriting school the whole time, having to sift through tons of columns on the craft, written by my Hollywood mentors.

Oh, and being a full-time "bloggist", which sounds cooler to me than being a simple "blogger". You'll know the difference between the two when you hit a blog: one type is a sort of living diary, full of the "f-word", a load of incomprehensible B.S., or just chock-full of "Google Ads". The "bloggist" type, a term which I just invented, is a spin on a columnist who writes a blog, there is actual CONTENT, imagine that. Or, at least it's pretty funny, and I just love blogs that contain actual humor.

To be modest, there's a lot of things I have yet to learn: how and why so many different screenwriters decide to capitalize different words or characters, or not. Downloading scripts has been a blast, by the way. I've picked up on a few style tips but am sure not to emulate anything too much in my own work. "SIDEWAYS", that's a funny script, and a great movie, check out the link.

So far, the script is testing out good. I had the full picture in my head in a short amount of time, writing out scenes in whatever order they magically appeared. In piecing that together it was apparent that my characters had grown, an awful lot, as well as my knowledge as to what techniques I should be employing in the script. It made for some effective rewriting and a more intriguing storyline. It's unorthodox, no doubt, but it kept the writing fresh, bouncing around to scenes.

And now, fresh out of a visit to Atlanta, seeing some diverse culture thrive, I'm bound to give my characters more life and interest than "business as usual in Mayberry". Stay tuned, folks!

I LOVE COLLEGE!

INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING

We see a FLAT SCREEN TV above a MANTLE.
SMOOTH JAZZ is piped therough its SPEAKERS.
The small BLUE RECTANGLE on the Sirius SCREEN bounces like an ATARI in SLO-MO.

BRIAN (V.O.)
Yes, we're inside this morning, couldn't take the heat, literally.
(beat)
It's ashame, now that the crabgrass has been sliced down to an appropriate height. I could be sitting out there enjoying it. But I'd be cooking alright.

Cat #2 is perched on the ARMREST of the COUCH.
Maus seems to ENJOY the cool drafts of the AC.

BRIAN (V.O.)
In my second week of screenwriting "on the job training" , I decide it's time for more training. The script is rolling, the blog is up, now I need to work towards my "online degree". No, it's not a formal degree, per se, no paid courses from unaccredited, online schools. To me, "formal training" for my "online degree" means pulling up a site like WORDPLAYER.COM to read something from Terri Rossio. The guy has an amazing body of work, DISNEY seems to love him.

We see a WEBSITE, with FIFTY-TWO ARTICLES written by Rossi.
Brian SCANS the list and CLICKS on COLUMN number TWO, titled "STRANGE ATTRACTOR".

BRIAN (V.O.)
The article is about creating an intriguing concept for your script. There seems to be a lot of important factors in doing that.

Brian drinks a SIP of COFFEE from an oversized MUG.
He READS the article, hoping that his SCREENPLAY checks out with the advice.

BRIAN (V.O.)
I'm doing a bit of this in reverse order, as you might notice, meaning that instead of reading all I can about the process, I just keep writing my script and periodically checking it against such articles. If it checks out, I pass that phase of testing. If I get a low grade, I need to refine something. If I fail a test, I need some serious remedial work or to get out of this scriptwriting thing alltogether. That hasn't happened yet, thank god.

INT. BLOG READER OFFICE - DAY

Blog Reader #1 is READING the SCREENWRITES OF PASSION blog.
He SHAKES his HEAD, as if what he is READING is ALL WRONG.

BLOG READER #1
(smartassed)
That's not the way you do it, KID. To be a pro screenwriter you need years of training at a university, exposure to thousands of films.
Then you need CONTACTS, lots of 'em.

INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING

Brian keeps checking the COLUMN, while working on his BLOG.

BRIAN (V.O.)
I'm not going to cover all he says in the article, no "spoilers", check out the story yourself at this LINK.
(beat)
The jist of it is, your story, your concept, it has to be special in a lot of ways. You have to create a hunger in the producer, actors, director, the audience; people have to want to invest in what you deem to be so special.
(beat)
So far, my script is passing this test, it has that "Strange Attractor", or so I believe. I'm not a film buff, in fact, I'm hesitant to go to the movies, ever. I've been disappointed so many times that it just doesn't always seem worth the risk. My "movie" is something I would go see, even if I didn't write it, so that says a lot in my book. It's funny, sometimes serious, it will be familiar to people yet bring the unexpected. It deals with challenges, learning, experiencing, overcoming.

INT. BLOG READER OFFICE - DAY
BLOG READER #1
(apathetically)
Ach, KID! You don't have the SLIGHTEST IDEA! Antagonist, protagonist, a paradigm, genre...THAT'S what this craft is about!

BRIAN (V.O.)
To satisfy a CERTAIN BLOG READER, we will also be testing those parts of the concept as well, in the future.

INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING

Brian stands and STRETCHES, his left SCIATIC NERVE is TIGHT again, it aches.

BRIAN (V.O.)
My main character is young, full of interest and curiosity. He means well, but things don't always work out, no matter how well he meant. He's naive, making us laugh along at his predicaments, yet mature enough to take his hard knocks and move on, we hope. The audience will like this kid, be pulling for him. Parents will wish him as a son, girls will want him as their boyfriend, boys will want to be him. People of all ages will relate, yes, it could be classifed as a "coming of age" thing.
(beat)
Has it been done? Yes. In my way? No, not just yet.
(beat)
I won't go into the whole concept, that's just a descrip on the main character, I'm not trying to sell anyone on the thing right now (except for my lovely wife).
(beat)
So, I just passed my "online test" in "screenwriting concept". I'll give myself, or the script, a B+ right now, because I'm modest and the ENTIRE concept has not been fully worked out yet.
(beat)
Class dismissed.
(beat)
Man, I love "college"!