Okay, into the second script and I have a few looming questions. So far I've written an outline, successfully pitched the story to my Lovely Wife, and have completed about eighty pages of what will (hopefully) be a one-hundred-twenty page script.
I'm using "CINERGY", by the way. Scoff if you will, but it works, and it's free! I can (hopefully) easily paste everything into "FINAL DRAFT" when completed, or I've got my work cut out. Owning Final Draft doesn't make you a screenwriter in my opinion, so before I shell out for it I will have to complete scripts, vindicating the cost.
It's a rom-com with two plots: attaining a love interest and a job, both of equal importance. I follow the ACT 1, 2a, 2b, 3 method that Terry Rossio describes in his Wordplayer columns. If you haven't read those I'd advise it, whether you're new to this profession or not.
At page thirty, end of Act One, I have the main character getting the job offer and securing the interest of his lovely future mate.
On page sixty, the all important "Two A to Two B" transition, he wins the job and the heart of little Miss Thing.
By page ninety, Act Three, I plan for him be a phenomenal success at his job, which he turns around and quits and moves away, because love interest loses her interest because he lied to her. Interesting?
And for the grand finale: they will cross paths and hook up again, or not.
For the above, what I'm wondering, is:
*How's the timing look?
*Any ideas / suggestions?
Now, for the technical, scripting stuff:
*Parentheticals: to, or not to. Quite honestly, what's the difference or harm in-
--------------------
MATILDA
(laughs)
You're an idiot!
VS
Matilda starts to laugh.
MATILDA
You're an idiot!
--------------------
The difference to me are a few needed lines, so I support the former, not the latter. Is this bad?
Also, I'm starting to think that leaving out parentheticals is a good idea for a spec script, but maybe not such a good idea for a screenwriting competition entry. Over-directing VS describing the scene, can actors, directors, and writers as well as their judges ever agree on anything? Opinions?
On dialogue cut in half by action descriptions, I'm leaving out the Character name and "cont.d" when they continue talking, saves "hella" space. But I want to do the right (write) thing, so tell me if you think differently.
Last but not least, I'm still deciding between a spiral bound script or using brads, and I still have to find an artist for the cover art.
Gotcha!!! Hehe, I may be new around here but I'm pretty up on things, lol.
SO, if you have an opinion, idea, criticism, rant, rave, philosophy, please post it!
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
WORDS ARE YOUR TEMPLE
I've been on the prowl lately, digging through blogs and online articles, in search of my next influential character in the screenwriting profession, someone who can offer a piece of inspirational advice, give an unknown tip, a clue, or at least lead by example in what I consider to be, or should be, one of the highest regarded professions: working with words.
I navigated a labyrinth of URL's, swam a sea of scripts, and "Googled" until I considered "Binging" it (but trust me, I won't go that low), and came upon a great big nothing, an abyss, a black hole, a void. Oh sure, there were plenty of "posts", but you really couldn't classify them as articles. Reading about how much someone drank on the weekend or who they slept with might be juicy, but that's not an article in the sense of information. But maybe what I deem to be an article is totally different from the real definition, which I won't go into because I just looked it up and it's disappointing to me: articles do not have to contain information.
Nevertheless, my search was disappointing. Oh sure, I read through a lot of JOHNAUGUST.COM, sucked in a lot of Rossio's WORDPLAY.COM, but these are my standard professional screenwriters. I was looking for that undiscovered great scribe, the incognito Shakespeare, a diamond in the rough. Someone who put a lot of thought and content into their blog, not simply linking other good columns or scripts, or "Youtube". Come on, bloggers, if your post is a "Youtube" link then at least make sure it is something we can learn from or laugh at, not a bathroom full of partygoers shotgunning canned beers (yes, that was someone's blog post of their own weekend party).
Perhaps I just don't get it. Maybe a blog is meant to be a living journal, spewing with the "f-word" and typical hijinks of a "9 to 5er", who wants to use this technology to break out of their shell in the only way they see capable. Maybe expecting true web content from writers is setting the bar too high, and we instead should feel privileged to see deep inside their souls through their posts, many of which only occur monthly or weekly.
My background is decorative artistry: it's visual, all about composition, color, and value. There aren't any words involved, and I believe that people, especially Americans, love that fact. We are very attracted to symbolism and interpretation. With one look at a piece of art we become the judge, the official; whether or not we are artists, we quickly come to our own conclusion of whether something is "good art", and many of us are not afraid to voice it.
But with writing, I think that we are a bit too liberal. We're not as quick to criticize words as much as visual art; instead, we are more likely to empathize with a scribe spilling out the contents of their emotional sarcophagus, looming with skeletons and clunky chains. Some of the stuff I run onto out there is just downright creepy.
We know the saying that the "body is our temple". I'm sure there are plenty of idioms concerning words as well, but I'm done "Googling" for today. For the moment I want to visualize words as if they were a temple, as when I strolled "FORUM ROMANUM" with my Lovely Wife. Where, although a ruins, every cobblestone, column, and lintel was set with meaning, with a purpose. That place gives you pride about being a human being, it's the birthplace of democracy, set by ideas, words, and actions.
I'm the first to admit that I cannot "ace" a grammar test. I would be the last person to place first at a spelling bee. Talk "participle" anything and I am as lost as a hayseed visiting New York. But I'm trying to add content, I work hard at satisfying readers, I want to give you a reason to come here and then to come back, again and again. I have a thirst to learn, a hope to inspire, a will to succeed in these funny black "Courier" shapes over a white background. Join me in this cause to grow plants, not weeds, to build your own temple, not a shack. Feed me, scribes!
Columnist and Pulitzer Prize winning journalist WILLIAM SAFIRE died the other day. I didn't know much about the man except that he was considered a talented writer, and that he was a friend of our Aunt Sherry, who he would exchange letters with. Imagine writing him, and that was before spell check; had to be somewhat intimidating.
Safire was "old school", a presidential speech writer, a Syracuse dropout but you'd never know it from his writings. Now that's cool: a dropout who ends up writing Nixon speeches, only to be wiretapped by the same president in the "concern of national security". A writer who often duked it out on "Meet the Press". Someone who worked hard at delivering his words in the right placement and form. As put by one of his colleagues, "Whether you agreed with him or not was never the point, his writing is delightful, informed and engaging."
Build your own shrine, temple, or forum! Link your best post here, I don't care how old it is, put up a link to a worthy article, talk amongst yourselves, criticize, compliment, just do something!
I navigated a labyrinth of URL's, swam a sea of scripts, and "Googled" until I considered "Binging" it (but trust me, I won't go that low), and came upon a great big nothing, an abyss, a black hole, a void. Oh sure, there were plenty of "posts", but you really couldn't classify them as articles. Reading about how much someone drank on the weekend or who they slept with might be juicy, but that's not an article in the sense of information. But maybe what I deem to be an article is totally different from the real definition, which I won't go into because I just looked it up and it's disappointing to me: articles do not have to contain information.
Nevertheless, my search was disappointing. Oh sure, I read through a lot of JOHNAUGUST.COM, sucked in a lot of Rossio's WORDPLAY.COM, but these are my standard professional screenwriters. I was looking for that undiscovered great scribe, the incognito Shakespeare, a diamond in the rough. Someone who put a lot of thought and content into their blog, not simply linking other good columns or scripts, or "Youtube". Come on, bloggers, if your post is a "Youtube" link then at least make sure it is something we can learn from or laugh at, not a bathroom full of partygoers shotgunning canned beers (yes, that was someone's blog post of their own weekend party).
Perhaps I just don't get it. Maybe a blog is meant to be a living journal, spewing with the "f-word" and typical hijinks of a "9 to 5er", who wants to use this technology to break out of their shell in the only way they see capable. Maybe expecting true web content from writers is setting the bar too high, and we instead should feel privileged to see deep inside their souls through their posts, many of which only occur monthly or weekly.
My background is decorative artistry: it's visual, all about composition, color, and value. There aren't any words involved, and I believe that people, especially Americans, love that fact. We are very attracted to symbolism and interpretation. With one look at a piece of art we become the judge, the official; whether or not we are artists, we quickly come to our own conclusion of whether something is "good art", and many of us are not afraid to voice it.
But with writing, I think that we are a bit too liberal. We're not as quick to criticize words as much as visual art; instead, we are more likely to empathize with a scribe spilling out the contents of their emotional sarcophagus, looming with skeletons and clunky chains. Some of the stuff I run onto out there is just downright creepy.
We know the saying that the "body is our temple". I'm sure there are plenty of idioms concerning words as well, but I'm done "Googling" for today. For the moment I want to visualize words as if they were a temple, as when I strolled "FORUM ROMANUM" with my Lovely Wife. Where, although a ruins, every cobblestone, column, and lintel was set with meaning, with a purpose. That place gives you pride about being a human being, it's the birthplace of democracy, set by ideas, words, and actions.
I'm the first to admit that I cannot "ace" a grammar test. I would be the last person to place first at a spelling bee. Talk "participle" anything and I am as lost as a hayseed visiting New York. But I'm trying to add content, I work hard at satisfying readers, I want to give you a reason to come here and then to come back, again and again. I have a thirst to learn, a hope to inspire, a will to succeed in these funny black "Courier" shapes over a white background. Join me in this cause to grow plants, not weeds, to build your own temple, not a shack. Feed me, scribes!
Columnist and Pulitzer Prize winning journalist WILLIAM SAFIRE died the other day. I didn't know much about the man except that he was considered a talented writer, and that he was a friend of our Aunt Sherry, who he would exchange letters with. Imagine writing him, and that was before spell check; had to be somewhat intimidating.
Safire was "old school", a presidential speech writer, a Syracuse dropout but you'd never know it from his writings. Now that's cool: a dropout who ends up writing Nixon speeches, only to be wiretapped by the same president in the "concern of national security". A writer who often duked it out on "Meet the Press". Someone who worked hard at delivering his words in the right placement and form. As put by one of his colleagues, "Whether you agreed with him or not was never the point, his writing is delightful, informed and engaging."
Build your own shrine, temple, or forum! Link your best post here, I don't care how old it is, put up a link to a worthy article, talk amongst yourselves, criticize, compliment, just do something!
Monday, September 28, 2009
MOVIE REVIEW
MAD MONEY
Starring Diane Keaton, Queen Latifah, Katie Holmes, and Ted Danson.
In between Lovely Wife doing laundry, and me traversing the porch and walking Caesar the Dog, we watched "MAD MONEY". No, not that irritable investment show with the guy yelling at the screen, the film with three women working at a Federal Reserve, "recycling" (stealing) money that was destined to be taken out of circulation in the furnaces (or however they destroy it, I missed that part).
If you haven't seen it then you've heard of it, one way or another, and the news probably wasn't good. Well, here's what's good: Diane Keaton is the cool mom or aunt you wish you had but never did, but she's like that in all her films. There's just something neat and quirky about the lady.
Props to Queen Latifah, who'd a thunk it? But yes, she's believable in every role that she takes on and she's even reinvented herself a few times.
Katie Holmes...oh, I was supposed to be highlighting the good things about the show. Okay, She plays a believable kid, I mean, how old is she, 15? And, she's good at throwing money straight up in the air, lots of it.
Hats off to Ted Danson, who plays Keaton's husband, not a hard role and I'm sure he bought himself something nice after the job because it's one of those "gotta pay the utility bill" kinda gigs.
From the screenplay side, the concept evolved from a British novel, "Hot Money", supposedly based on a semi-true story. So, it had the adaptation factor going for it. Then, early on, Keaton and Latifah were tagged as elements. And you thought it was an obvious concoction of Tom Cruise getting his wife an acting gig, not.
The big problem: how to get the audience to back ANYONE who steals, let alone from our Federal Reserve? But then again, we forgave AIG, GM, Bank of America, and all the other bailout thieves, why shouldn't we give these three girls a break? Just in case, they start with a flashback, revealing the fact that they will be busted in the end. That doesn't help, there's something inherently wrong about stealing, and acting like Katie Holmes making scrunchy funny faces, and dancing while pushing a cart, and throwing money in the air is funny; it's not.
The props are cool though: locks, glass carts where you see stacks of money, hidden keys. Funny thing: Diane Keaton, who is notorious for wearing gloves with any outfit, even on a blazing summer day, well, she doesn't wear gloves, and she actually has some nice-looking hands. Oh, she does wear rubber gloves in her duties as one of the janitors, so that busts my observation. Oh, that's how she keeps her fingerprints off the metal locks and bills? Love figuring this out.
The show gets a 22% rating on "ROTTEN TOMATOES". Screenwriters, or wannabe types like me, love referencing that site. Well, I'm not a fan. For starters, you have to figure out its rating system. On the site it shows a tomato, of course, with a link to "how does our tomatometer work?". Now, if I have to read that to figure it out, then it's fundamentally flawed. You would guess that it rates how rotten the movie is, the higher the rating, the more spoiled. Nope. SO, for those that need a translation, 78% of reviewers said the movie sucked.
All in all, if you have nothing better to do and can catch it on cable, then go for it, it's mindless "fun", throwing money in the air; it's even on the poster for the show, of course. I don't think the producers would agree that throwing money is so much fun: this was a break even deal at the box office. That's their money that Katie Holmes is shoveling out of the bucket and throwing haplessly around the room...while making scrunchy, "funny" faces.
Starring Diane Keaton, Queen Latifah, Katie Holmes, and Ted Danson.
In between Lovely Wife doing laundry, and me traversing the porch and walking Caesar the Dog, we watched "MAD MONEY". No, not that irritable investment show with the guy yelling at the screen, the film with three women working at a Federal Reserve, "recycling" (stealing) money that was destined to be taken out of circulation in the furnaces (or however they destroy it, I missed that part).
If you haven't seen it then you've heard of it, one way or another, and the news probably wasn't good. Well, here's what's good: Diane Keaton is the cool mom or aunt you wish you had but never did, but she's like that in all her films. There's just something neat and quirky about the lady.
Props to Queen Latifah, who'd a thunk it? But yes, she's believable in every role that she takes on and she's even reinvented herself a few times.
Katie Holmes...oh, I was supposed to be highlighting the good things about the show. Okay, She plays a believable kid, I mean, how old is she, 15? And, she's good at throwing money straight up in the air, lots of it.
Hats off to Ted Danson, who plays Keaton's husband, not a hard role and I'm sure he bought himself something nice after the job because it's one of those "gotta pay the utility bill" kinda gigs.
From the screenplay side, the concept evolved from a British novel, "Hot Money", supposedly based on a semi-true story. So, it had the adaptation factor going for it. Then, early on, Keaton and Latifah were tagged as elements. And you thought it was an obvious concoction of Tom Cruise getting his wife an acting gig, not.
The big problem: how to get the audience to back ANYONE who steals, let alone from our Federal Reserve? But then again, we forgave AIG, GM, Bank of America, and all the other bailout thieves, why shouldn't we give these three girls a break? Just in case, they start with a flashback, revealing the fact that they will be busted in the end. That doesn't help, there's something inherently wrong about stealing, and acting like Katie Holmes making scrunchy funny faces, and dancing while pushing a cart, and throwing money in the air is funny; it's not.
The props are cool though: locks, glass carts where you see stacks of money, hidden keys. Funny thing: Diane Keaton, who is notorious for wearing gloves with any outfit, even on a blazing summer day, well, she doesn't wear gloves, and she actually has some nice-looking hands. Oh, she does wear rubber gloves in her duties as one of the janitors, so that busts my observation. Oh, that's how she keeps her fingerprints off the metal locks and bills? Love figuring this out.
The show gets a 22% rating on "ROTTEN TOMATOES". Screenwriters, or wannabe types like me, love referencing that site. Well, I'm not a fan. For starters, you have to figure out its rating system. On the site it shows a tomato, of course, with a link to "how does our tomatometer work?". Now, if I have to read that to figure it out, then it's fundamentally flawed. You would guess that it rates how rotten the movie is, the higher the rating, the more spoiled. Nope. SO, for those that need a translation, 78% of reviewers said the movie sucked.
All in all, if you have nothing better to do and can catch it on cable, then go for it, it's mindless "fun", throwing money in the air; it's even on the poster for the show, of course. I don't think the producers would agree that throwing money is so much fun: this was a break even deal at the box office. That's their money that Katie Holmes is shoveling out of the bucket and throwing haplessly around the room...while making scrunchy, "funny" faces.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
TO THE DOGS
EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
Caesar the Dog paces the porch, ready for another mass dogwalk. Brian types away on the Dell, wearing flanneled jammies in a plaid print. The yard is freshly mowed and soaked, compliments of a southeastern storm.
BRIAN
Not today, Caesar, sorry.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Lot of flooding in the southeast this week. I heard they are thinking about renaming "Atlanta" to "Atlantis".
(beat)
Yesterday we took Caesar to the big city on a charity dogwalk for cancer. One of the sponsors said there were approximately four-hundred registrations, so it was a pretty nice turnout, good for them. Here are some of the excerpts:
EXT. EVENT PARKING LOT - DAY
Brian, Lovely Wife, and Caesar pull into the lot in their van. Dogs of all shapes and sizes frolic at the end of their leashes, on the way to the registration booth. Caesar comes out of the sliding door, pretty fired up, Brian on the end of the tether, holding him back with all might.
BRIAN
Caesar, settle down, you're going to need to settle down!
CAESAR (V.O.)
Damn I gotta pee!
LOVELY WIFE
(to Brian)
Think he needs to pee?
BRIAN
No, he's just whacking out with all these dogs around.
CAESAR (V.O.)
I'm gonna 'splode if I don't pee!!
LOVELY WIFE
Why don't we just take him to the grass?
BRIAN
Okay, but I doubt..
MOMENTS LATER:
Caesar is peeing non-stop in the grass.
CUT TO:
EXT. EVENT PARKING LOT - DAY
Lovely Wife is at the registration booth, signing up. Brian stands with Caesar as a myriad of dog shapes, colors, and sizes pass by.
BRIAN
Sit, buddy.
CAESAR (V.O.)
Dad, you're embarrassing me. Let me sniff some of these dogs. Man, I never get out.
A SHITZU walks by, Caesar eyes her up, moving forward.
CAESAR (V.O.)
Hey baby, come here often?
Brian pulls back on his leash.
BRIAN
Caesar, get back.
The Shitzu passes with her owner, snubbing Caesar.
CAESAR (V.O.)
Man, you're cock-blocking me!
MOMENTS LATER:
EXT. WALK TRAIL - DAY
All the dogs march with their owners in a one-mile event. The mass of participants are coming down the hill as Brian, Lovely Wife, and Caesar come out of the turnaround mark, heading uphill.
Three sleek greyhounds pass by.
CAESAR (V.O.)
Hey ladies, how we doing this morning, wanna meet for a smell at the finish?
They ignore him. A proud doberman marches behind.
DOBERMAN (V.O.)
(to Caesar)
Don't even think of it, man, I'm on that.
CAESAR (V.O.)
(to himself)
Dammit!
The group scurry to the:
EXT. EVENT PARKING LOT - DAY
A competition is taking place: biggest dog, smallest dog, best trick. Our trio stands in the audience among other pack leaders. A female terrier and beagle MIX, about Caesar's height, takes position nearby. Caesar is cleaning his front paw, having given up on any chance at hooking up.
MIX (V.O.)
(dainty voice)
Hello!
CAESAR (V.O.)
Huh?
MIX (V.O.)
Hey red.
CAESAR (V.O.)
You talking to me, or the retriever?
MIX (V.O.)
You come here often?
Caesar approaches her slowly, they smile, smelling noses.
CAESAR (V.O.)
Maybe once a month, cutie, we live in the sticks..mmmh, you smell good.
MIX (V.O.)
Thanks, I've got on hair conditioner.
CAESAR (V.O.)
This is heaven, want to?
MIX (V.O.)
I can't wait.
They're smelling each other, yes, that way, as dogs do. Brian pretends not to notice, as does the other owner.
CAESAR (V.O.)
Oh baby!
MOMENTS LATER:
Brian tugs Caesar along on the leash, they leave.
CAESAR (V.O.)
(to Mix)
Next year?
MIX (V.O.)
Sure thing, call me!
CUT TO:
INT. PETS MART - DAY
Brian and Lovely Wife wait in the checkout line behind a LADY with a POODLE who eyes up Caesar.
CAESAR (V.O.)
Hey baby, wanna..?
BRIAN
(to Caesar)
Sit, enough now, sit.
CAESAR (V.O.)
(to Brian)
Just don't get it, do ya dad?
FADE OUT
It was a nice day, we saw an amazing variety of dogs. Canines are a big responsibility, it takes a lot of effort to be a "good parent", but it's worth it. Even if you can't take on having a pet of your own, please consider going to a local shelter to play with a dog for a bit, you'll make their day.
Please check out THIS LINK if you want to find a local location which serves "man's best friend".
Caesar the Dog paces the porch, ready for another mass dogwalk. Brian types away on the Dell, wearing flanneled jammies in a plaid print. The yard is freshly mowed and soaked, compliments of a southeastern storm.
BRIAN
Not today, Caesar, sorry.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Lot of flooding in the southeast this week. I heard they are thinking about renaming "Atlanta" to "Atlantis".
(beat)
Yesterday we took Caesar to the big city on a charity dogwalk for cancer. One of the sponsors said there were approximately four-hundred registrations, so it was a pretty nice turnout, good for them. Here are some of the excerpts:
EXT. EVENT PARKING LOT - DAY
Brian, Lovely Wife, and Caesar pull into the lot in their van. Dogs of all shapes and sizes frolic at the end of their leashes, on the way to the registration booth. Caesar comes out of the sliding door, pretty fired up, Brian on the end of the tether, holding him back with all might.
BRIAN
Caesar, settle down, you're going to need to settle down!
CAESAR (V.O.)
Damn I gotta pee!
LOVELY WIFE
(to Brian)
Think he needs to pee?
BRIAN
No, he's just whacking out with all these dogs around.
CAESAR (V.O.)
I'm gonna 'splode if I don't pee!!
LOVELY WIFE
Why don't we just take him to the grass?
BRIAN
Okay, but I doubt..
MOMENTS LATER:
Caesar is peeing non-stop in the grass.
CUT TO:
EXT. EVENT PARKING LOT - DAY
Lovely Wife is at the registration booth, signing up. Brian stands with Caesar as a myriad of dog shapes, colors, and sizes pass by.
BRIAN
Sit, buddy.
CAESAR (V.O.)
Dad, you're embarrassing me. Let me sniff some of these dogs. Man, I never get out.
A SHITZU walks by, Caesar eyes her up, moving forward.
CAESAR (V.O.)
Hey baby, come here often?
Brian pulls back on his leash.
BRIAN
Caesar, get back.
The Shitzu passes with her owner, snubbing Caesar.
CAESAR (V.O.)
Man, you're cock-blocking me!
MOMENTS LATER:
EXT. WALK TRAIL - DAY
All the dogs march with their owners in a one-mile event. The mass of participants are coming down the hill as Brian, Lovely Wife, and Caesar come out of the turnaround mark, heading uphill.
Three sleek greyhounds pass by.
CAESAR (V.O.)
Hey ladies, how we doing this morning, wanna meet for a smell at the finish?
They ignore him. A proud doberman marches behind.
DOBERMAN (V.O.)
(to Caesar)
Don't even think of it, man, I'm on that.
CAESAR (V.O.)
(to himself)
Dammit!
The group scurry to the:
EXT. EVENT PARKING LOT - DAY
A competition is taking place: biggest dog, smallest dog, best trick. Our trio stands in the audience among other pack leaders. A female terrier and beagle MIX, about Caesar's height, takes position nearby. Caesar is cleaning his front paw, having given up on any chance at hooking up.
MIX (V.O.)
(dainty voice)
Hello!
CAESAR (V.O.)
Huh?
MIX (V.O.)
Hey red.
CAESAR (V.O.)
You talking to me, or the retriever?
MIX (V.O.)
You come here often?
Caesar approaches her slowly, they smile, smelling noses.
CAESAR (V.O.)
Maybe once a month, cutie, we live in the sticks..mmmh, you smell good.
MIX (V.O.)
Thanks, I've got on hair conditioner.
CAESAR (V.O.)
This is heaven, want to?
MIX (V.O.)
I can't wait.
They're smelling each other, yes, that way, as dogs do. Brian pretends not to notice, as does the other owner.
CAESAR (V.O.)
Oh baby!
MOMENTS LATER:
Brian tugs Caesar along on the leash, they leave.
CAESAR (V.O.)
(to Mix)
Next year?
MIX (V.O.)
Sure thing, call me!
CUT TO:
INT. PETS MART - DAY
Brian and Lovely Wife wait in the checkout line behind a LADY with a POODLE who eyes up Caesar.
CAESAR (V.O.)
Hey baby, wanna..?
BRIAN
(to Caesar)
Sit, enough now, sit.
CAESAR (V.O.)
(to Brian)
Just don't get it, do ya dad?
FADE OUT
It was a nice day, we saw an amazing variety of dogs. Canines are a big responsibility, it takes a lot of effort to be a "good parent", but it's worth it. Even if you can't take on having a pet of your own, please consider going to a local shelter to play with a dog for a bit, you'll make their day.
Please check out THIS LINK if you want to find a local location which serves "man's best friend".
Saturday, September 26, 2009
NEWS FLASH
News flash: not really, what that means is I have about five inches of crabgrass covering one and a half acres, and I'm hoping the riding mower doesn't have a flat this time. I also have a list of chores, must attend "grocery shopping night", and then have to get up early to take Caesar the Dog on a charity benefit dogwalk with the Lovely Wife.
Fridays aren't much for scripting. This will auto upload on Saturday.
However, if you notice the box on the right, I've written seventy-seven pages of a new script in less than a week, all quality stuff. Yes, it's possible. And, there has already been some rewriting and polishing going on. My only problem is that this one will turn out to be about one-hundred-fifty pages, so I know I have to go back and do some chopping, cut a scene or two. Good problem to have.
I'd share some of the script but my mentors advise against it; in fact, some scribes openly state that they have no problem stealing ideas. I guess they need to, have fun with that if you're creatively inept and inclined to do so.
In "What Else Happened This Week?", I put Maus the Cat back on wet food, Caesar the Dog tore our bedspread again, and our neighbor has been surreptitiously moving out. Was it something we said?
Wishing you all a good weekend---Brian
Fridays aren't much for scripting. This will auto upload on Saturday.
However, if you notice the box on the right, I've written seventy-seven pages of a new script in less than a week, all quality stuff. Yes, it's possible. And, there has already been some rewriting and polishing going on. My only problem is that this one will turn out to be about one-hundred-fifty pages, so I know I have to go back and do some chopping, cut a scene or two. Good problem to have.
I'd share some of the script but my mentors advise against it; in fact, some scribes openly state that they have no problem stealing ideas. I guess they need to, have fun with that if you're creatively inept and inclined to do so.
In "What Else Happened This Week?", I put Maus the Cat back on wet food, Caesar the Dog tore our bedspread again, and our neighbor has been surreptitiously moving out. Was it something we said?
Wishing you all a good weekend---Brian
Friday, September 25, 2009
AIR DUEL! PART II
EXT. 10,000 FEET ABOVE - DAY
We see the white dot of a plane, Brian, and the black dot of a Bi-plane, the Villain, going distant, in a straight line. The geometric surface of the ground looks like a Tetris game.
INT. CROP DUSTER - DAY
Brian's hand sticks the closed laptop into the canvas bag between the seats. He pulls out a Blackberry with a cracked screen, presses the contact for Lovely Wife.
INT. BI-PLANE - DAY
The Villain, Von Umkraut, works the stick to stay in level flight. The altimeter needle dances at the two-thousand feet mark.
EXT. CROP DUSTER - DAY
We are stationary as the White Cessna buzzes towards us from the left, as it does, we barely get a glimpse of Brian on his Blackberry.
INT. CROP DUSTER - DAY
Our POV is the passenger seat, Brian holds the phone to his ear. A RING, and then a VOICE on the other end, it's Lovely Wife.
LOVELY WIFE
(filtered)
Hey Hon, how's it going?
BRIAN
Good! Say, you know we were talking about finding a way to move?
LOVELY WIFE
(questioning)
Yes?
BRIAN
Well..oh, can you hold a sec, I need to turn around.
LOVELY WIFE
Sure.
Brian sets the phone on his lap, pulls back sharp on the steering column, sending the plane upwards,, tilting our view of the cockpit to forty-five degrees. Short into it, we hear the CLICKING of the rudder pedals, the powered down ENGINE, his fancy footwork.
EXT. CROP DUSTER - DAY
The plane climbs towards us, the cockpit stops just short of our POV, engine almost in a stall, does a perfect one-eighty rotation, giving us a tail view, as we hear the engine ACCELERATE, the plane taking off, slightly downward, then level, in perspective.
INT. CROP DUSTER - DAY
Back to passenger POV, this time he is facing the other direction.
BRIAN
(pumps fist)
Perfect Immelman!!
In his joy over the well-executed maneuver, Brian forgets he was on the phone. He focuses on flying. His phone RINGS.
BRIAN
(mad at himself)
Sorry!
LOVELY WIFE
(polite)
No problem! What were you saying about moving?
BRIAN
(recalls)
Oh yeah, I entered a game of chicken with Count Umkraut, whoever pulls out first must leave South Carolina, should I go for it?
LOVELY WIFE
Hmm, I don't know, I'm still waiting to see what is up with Monster,com, Bernanke said the recession is over, but I don't think people are hiring yet.
EXT. 10,000 FEET ABOVE
The black and white dots move towards each other on a collision course.
BRIAN (O.S.)
Okay, that's cool, I'll just scare the crap out of him!
They laugh together.
LOVELY WIFE (O.S.)
Okay, just be careful up there.
BRIAN (O.S.)
I will Hon, gotta fly, thanks, bye!
We zoom at the same rate the planes are closing in, allowing us to make out their shapes with each passing second.
EXT. BI-PLANE - DAY
We are alongside the villainous Count Umkraut Von Crabgrass, he has his head pointed down but is looking forward, as if that would aerodynamically help his junky, battered plane.
VON CRABGRASS
I got you now, boy! I drink your milkshake!
INT. CROP DUSTER - DAY
We see the Bi-plane sputtering toward us, level, same altitude.
BRIAN (O.S.)
(determined)
Okay, think of something good here, Bri.
The Bi-plane is less than thirty yards away.
Brian throws the flaps, pulls straight back on the controls as hard as possible, the engine whines keeping the plane in the vertical, a brake-stop, blue sky fills the cockpit glass.
INT. BI-PLANE - DAY
Mere feet from a crash into the belly of the Cessna, Von Crabgrass thrusts the joystick straight down in a dive, we pass under the tail of the Cessna, inches from our head.
A spray SQUIRTS out of the Cessna tail, our lens blurred with the gelatin-like goo.
VON CRABGRASS (O.S.)
Aarrghhhhhh!
We can make out his gloved hand as he tries to free each finger, webbed in the gunk.
EXT. SKY - DAY
SLOW MOTION:
A side view of what just happened: the Cessna goes vertical, the Bi-plane enters the frame, dives down below the Cessna tail, then the money shot of goo, straight into our villains cockpit.
END SLOW MOTION
We're stationary as the black Bi-plane spirals downward, eventually disappears, the engine sound fades out. It's silent, seconds later we see a tiny puff on the ground, as if Wile E. Coyote fell into the canyon. We hear a distant BOOM.
EXT. CROP DUSTER - DAY
The Cessna does a fly by.
BRIAN (O.S.)
"Round Up" mixed with Jello, good stuff!
The Cessna flies off into the sun, silhouetted.
FADE OUT
Note: This was a writing exercise for an action film. The technical aspects, concerning POV's and angles, become really apparent in this type of script, it would be easy to leave something out. It's a balancing act of the action description and the famed "over-directing" the scribe is often accused of.
We see the white dot of a plane, Brian, and the black dot of a Bi-plane, the Villain, going distant, in a straight line. The geometric surface of the ground looks like a Tetris game.
INT. CROP DUSTER - DAY
Brian's hand sticks the closed laptop into the canvas bag between the seats. He pulls out a Blackberry with a cracked screen, presses the contact for Lovely Wife.
INT. BI-PLANE - DAY
The Villain, Von Umkraut, works the stick to stay in level flight. The altimeter needle dances at the two-thousand feet mark.
EXT. CROP DUSTER - DAY
We are stationary as the White Cessna buzzes towards us from the left, as it does, we barely get a glimpse of Brian on his Blackberry.
INT. CROP DUSTER - DAY
Our POV is the passenger seat, Brian holds the phone to his ear. A RING, and then a VOICE on the other end, it's Lovely Wife.
LOVELY WIFE
(filtered)
Hey Hon, how's it going?
BRIAN
Good! Say, you know we were talking about finding a way to move?
LOVELY WIFE
(questioning)
Yes?
BRIAN
Well..oh, can you hold a sec, I need to turn around.
LOVELY WIFE
Sure.
Brian sets the phone on his lap, pulls back sharp on the steering column, sending the plane upwards,, tilting our view of the cockpit to forty-five degrees. Short into it, we hear the CLICKING of the rudder pedals, the powered down ENGINE, his fancy footwork.
EXT. CROP DUSTER - DAY
The plane climbs towards us, the cockpit stops just short of our POV, engine almost in a stall, does a perfect one-eighty rotation, giving us a tail view, as we hear the engine ACCELERATE, the plane taking off, slightly downward, then level, in perspective.
INT. CROP DUSTER - DAY
Back to passenger POV, this time he is facing the other direction.
BRIAN
(pumps fist)
Perfect Immelman!!
In his joy over the well-executed maneuver, Brian forgets he was on the phone. He focuses on flying. His phone RINGS.
BRIAN
(mad at himself)
Sorry!
LOVELY WIFE
(polite)
No problem! What were you saying about moving?
BRIAN
(recalls)
Oh yeah, I entered a game of chicken with Count Umkraut, whoever pulls out first must leave South Carolina, should I go for it?
LOVELY WIFE
Hmm, I don't know, I'm still waiting to see what is up with Monster,com, Bernanke said the recession is over, but I don't think people are hiring yet.
EXT. 10,000 FEET ABOVE
The black and white dots move towards each other on a collision course.
BRIAN (O.S.)
Okay, that's cool, I'll just scare the crap out of him!
They laugh together.
LOVELY WIFE (O.S.)
Okay, just be careful up there.
BRIAN (O.S.)
I will Hon, gotta fly, thanks, bye!
We zoom at the same rate the planes are closing in, allowing us to make out their shapes with each passing second.
EXT. BI-PLANE - DAY
We are alongside the villainous Count Umkraut Von Crabgrass, he has his head pointed down but is looking forward, as if that would aerodynamically help his junky, battered plane.
VON CRABGRASS
I got you now, boy! I drink your milkshake!
INT. CROP DUSTER - DAY
We see the Bi-plane sputtering toward us, level, same altitude.
BRIAN (O.S.)
(determined)
Okay, think of something good here, Bri.
The Bi-plane is less than thirty yards away.
Brian throws the flaps, pulls straight back on the controls as hard as possible, the engine whines keeping the plane in the vertical, a brake-stop, blue sky fills the cockpit glass.
INT. BI-PLANE - DAY
Mere feet from a crash into the belly of the Cessna, Von Crabgrass thrusts the joystick straight down in a dive, we pass under the tail of the Cessna, inches from our head.
A spray SQUIRTS out of the Cessna tail, our lens blurred with the gelatin-like goo.
VON CRABGRASS (O.S.)
Aarrghhhhhh!
We can make out his gloved hand as he tries to free each finger, webbed in the gunk.
EXT. SKY - DAY
SLOW MOTION:
A side view of what just happened: the Cessna goes vertical, the Bi-plane enters the frame, dives down below the Cessna tail, then the money shot of goo, straight into our villains cockpit.
END SLOW MOTION
We're stationary as the black Bi-plane spirals downward, eventually disappears, the engine sound fades out. It's silent, seconds later we see a tiny puff on the ground, as if Wile E. Coyote fell into the canyon. We hear a distant BOOM.
EXT. CROP DUSTER - DAY
The Cessna does a fly by.
BRIAN (O.S.)
"Round Up" mixed with Jello, good stuff!
The Cessna flies off into the sun, silhouetted.
FADE OUT
Note: This was a writing exercise for an action film. The technical aspects, concerning POV's and angles, become really apparent in this type of script, it would be easy to leave something out. It's a balancing act of the action description and the famed "over-directing" the scribe is often accused of.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
AIR DUEL!
INT. CROP DUSTER - DAY
Our POV (point of view) is from behind the controls of a CESSNA airplane, in the blue sky, high above the contrasting green vegetation and red-clay spotted earth of South Carolina.
The engine HUMS in a syncopated chorus, the PILOT'S HANDS pull slightly back and to to the left on the steering column.
A left hand comes up, sliding back the window, sending a rush of air into the cockpit.
EXT. CROP DUSTER - DAY
We are stationary in the air, as the white Cessna crop duster approaches at the same height, in a curving angle.
As it nears, the frame rate becomes slower, allowing us to see details, "OCEAN'S ELEVEN" style. We notice the prop, can make out a figure, then his goggles, and finally the frame freezes on--
BRIAN, head half out of the cockpit, red locks blowing from under his traditional cap and goggles, a long cigarette in his mouth.
TITLE OVER:
BRIAN BURKE: CRABGRASS ASSASSIN
The frame rate goes to real time, with the cigarette flying out of his mouth, sucked out by the turbulence.
BRIAN (O.S.)
Dammit!
REMOVE TITLE
Our POV is stationary, behind the plane, as it shrinks towards the horizon.
EXT. OLD BARN - DAY
We see the dilapidated structure, gaps between its weathered, wood planked doors. The doors WHINE as they slide open, revealing a--
BLACK BI-PLANE-- matte, dented, covered with silver duct-tape.
A shadowy figure--
COUNT UMKRAUT VON CRABGRASS-- climbs into the cockpit.
The engine FIRES as the Bi-plane lurches forward, spewing smoke.
INT. CROP DUSTER - DAY
View out the window at two-thousand feet, we can make out roads, rooftops, and other features. There seems to be no sign of activity. A hand slides the window shut.
BRIAN (O.S.)
(to himself)
Nothing today, might as well work on the screenwriting blog!
We see a green canvas bag between the seats, a hand reaches down, sliding out an aged Dell laptop.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. CROP DUSTER - DAY
We are parallel to the plane, mere feet away, and have a view of Brian typing on the laptop, working on the blog. As we zoom out, it is apparent that the plane is fixed in a slight curve, widely circling the skies.
SUDDENLY--
EXT. 10,000 FEET ABOVE - DAY
From our view, we see the:
VILLAIN'S BI-PLANE, a small, black dot, tailing the white Cessna, like a predator waiting to snap an innocent white dove. The two specs go round in circle, Brian oblivious to the situation.
INT. CROP DUSTER - DAY
From the passenger seat we see Brian, typing. He lights a cigarette, slides back his window, which evacuates the smoke.
Unnoticed, we see the Bi-plane's prop, then wing, and finally cockpit, pulling slowly aside. Von Crabgrass is dressed in a black trench, cap and goggles, long yellow-green scarf flowing in the wind. He has a black handlebar moustache, looks like DANIEL DAY LEWIS.
VON CRABGRASS
(loudly, continuous)
Burke!!
Brian jumps back in his seat, startled, his head darts to the villain.
CLOSE ON:
VON CRABGRASS
I've come to settle our differences, how 'bout you and I handle this in a manly way?
INTERCUT, CONTINUOUS:
BRIAN
(cynically)
Consider yourself a man, Umkraut?
VON CRABGRASS
As much as you.
BRIAN
You're ruining everyone's grass, you thug.
VON CRABGRASS
That's what I do, it's how we roll.
BRIAN
Not much longer.
VON CRABGRASS
Then you'll take me up on a fair duel?
BRIAN
What do you call fair, VC?
VON CRABGRASS
A game of chicken, at two-thousand feet, first to pull out loses, and leaves South Carolina forever.
BRIAN
You're on!
INT. CROP DUSTER - DAY
We see Brian bank sharply to the right, as the black Bi-plane sinks out of view.
EXT. SKY - DAY
Level with both planes and fixed, we see them distancing in a straight line, like the curtains of a stage.
TITLE OVER:
TO BE CONTINUED
Our POV (point of view) is from behind the controls of a CESSNA airplane, in the blue sky, high above the contrasting green vegetation and red-clay spotted earth of South Carolina.
The engine HUMS in a syncopated chorus, the PILOT'S HANDS pull slightly back and to to the left on the steering column.
A left hand comes up, sliding back the window, sending a rush of air into the cockpit.
EXT. CROP DUSTER - DAY
We are stationary in the air, as the white Cessna crop duster approaches at the same height, in a curving angle.
As it nears, the frame rate becomes slower, allowing us to see details, "OCEAN'S ELEVEN" style. We notice the prop, can make out a figure, then his goggles, and finally the frame freezes on--
BRIAN, head half out of the cockpit, red locks blowing from under his traditional cap and goggles, a long cigarette in his mouth.
TITLE OVER:
BRIAN BURKE: CRABGRASS ASSASSIN
The frame rate goes to real time, with the cigarette flying out of his mouth, sucked out by the turbulence.
BRIAN (O.S.)
Dammit!
REMOVE TITLE
Our POV is stationary, behind the plane, as it shrinks towards the horizon.
EXT. OLD BARN - DAY
We see the dilapidated structure, gaps between its weathered, wood planked doors. The doors WHINE as they slide open, revealing a--
BLACK BI-PLANE-- matte, dented, covered with silver duct-tape.
A shadowy figure--
COUNT UMKRAUT VON CRABGRASS-- climbs into the cockpit.
The engine FIRES as the Bi-plane lurches forward, spewing smoke.
INT. CROP DUSTER - DAY
View out the window at two-thousand feet, we can make out roads, rooftops, and other features. There seems to be no sign of activity. A hand slides the window shut.
BRIAN (O.S.)
(to himself)
Nothing today, might as well work on the screenwriting blog!
We see a green canvas bag between the seats, a hand reaches down, sliding out an aged Dell laptop.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. CROP DUSTER - DAY
We are parallel to the plane, mere feet away, and have a view of Brian typing on the laptop, working on the blog. As we zoom out, it is apparent that the plane is fixed in a slight curve, widely circling the skies.
SUDDENLY--
EXT. 10,000 FEET ABOVE - DAY
From our view, we see the:
VILLAIN'S BI-PLANE, a small, black dot, tailing the white Cessna, like a predator waiting to snap an innocent white dove. The two specs go round in circle, Brian oblivious to the situation.
INT. CROP DUSTER - DAY
From the passenger seat we see Brian, typing. He lights a cigarette, slides back his window, which evacuates the smoke.
Unnoticed, we see the Bi-plane's prop, then wing, and finally cockpit, pulling slowly aside. Von Crabgrass is dressed in a black trench, cap and goggles, long yellow-green scarf flowing in the wind. He has a black handlebar moustache, looks like DANIEL DAY LEWIS.
VON CRABGRASS
(loudly, continuous)
Burke!!
Brian jumps back in his seat, startled, his head darts to the villain.
CLOSE ON:
VON CRABGRASS
I've come to settle our differences, how 'bout you and I handle this in a manly way?
INTERCUT, CONTINUOUS:
BRIAN
(cynically)
Consider yourself a man, Umkraut?
VON CRABGRASS
As much as you.
BRIAN
You're ruining everyone's grass, you thug.
VON CRABGRASS
That's what I do, it's how we roll.
BRIAN
Not much longer.
VON CRABGRASS
Then you'll take me up on a fair duel?
BRIAN
What do you call fair, VC?
VON CRABGRASS
A game of chicken, at two-thousand feet, first to pull out loses, and leaves South Carolina forever.
BRIAN
You're on!
INT. CROP DUSTER - DAY
We see Brian bank sharply to the right, as the black Bi-plane sinks out of view.
EXT. SKY - DAY
Level with both planes and fixed, we see them distancing in a straight line, like the curtains of a stage.
TITLE OVER:
TO BE CONTINUED
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
LOW BLOW, BRAVO
Oh my, reality TV, what have you done?
This, I asked myself, last night, while watching the "RACHEL ZOE PROJECT" with my Lovely Wife, on the DVR of course. Where do I start?
SYNOPSIS
Rachel gets a call from self professed gattabout ASHTON KUTCHER, who would like her to appear in a webisode of his online animated show, "Blah Girls" (no, we're not linking that crap). She is charged with styling his animated characters for a prom. Later, riddled with exhaustion or an undisclosed disease, Rachel seems to be dying, or that's what Brad says at least, we can't tell if he's joking or that's his personal wish. We end up at "To be continued", as if it were a plot worth continuing.
Where do we start with this? Okay, Ashton's "Blah Girls".
INT. LAPTOP SCREEN - DAY
We see the not-un-Southpark-like "Blah Girls" animation, with their big heads and tiny bodies. They sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks. Two of the girls debate something, not memorable.
GIRL #1
I can't believe she'd do that..
GIRL #2
..if she didn't, I would have a ..
CUT TO:
Our POV is that of an animated character giving birth. We see our legs propped up, two hands reach down and pull out, a cow.
COW
Moo!
FADE OUT
She would have a cow, genius.. not.
In the next clip, a character responds to her mother, whose voice is represented by trumpet sounds, by saying "it's not my fault that you're getting vaginal rejuvination". Wow, who writes this stuff, an adolescent kid sneaking onto his father's script editing program at night? Oh, no, Ashton does.. sorry dude. You should call it "Dude, Where's My Writer?" instead.
Rachel comes and meets in a hallway with Ashton, his web developer, and sort of producer guy who wears irritating white and black checkered glasses. Ashton and his team look "put on the spot" as in "almost embarrassed" to be in this episode, and they should be.. and they should be doubly embarrassed over this childish animation they produce.
At work, all around a table, Ashton, of all people, is the one who has to pull Rachel into being serious, which is an uncomfortable moment for us all.
Finally, Rachel complains how she sucks at this, but does a perfect job when it comes down to it. She watches it on the laptop with Brad and Taylor, laughing. They use real video on Rachel, but animate her mouth in puppet fashion in the first shot; it's almost a slam which she manages to overlook (or they edit out her rant). Not real nice of you, Ashton.
Ashton and Demi call while the team is watching the animation. Rachel asks "are you two in Atlanta?". Huh? How would she know if they were, and why would it matter? Then, "have you seen Ne-Ne?". We hear Demi shouting out that she has watched every episode, not of Rachel Zoe, but of "Real Housewives of Atlanta".
So, let me lay this out: BRAVO TV, which airs both Rachel and the Atlanta Housewives show, agreed to air segments of Ashton's animation, in exchange for him allowing Rachel to be in one of his "webisodes", as well as a plug from Ashton and Demi for the housewives. Rachel also agreed to plug the housewives show in the phone convo.
Three questions:
1.Does Ashton have to kiss up to Bravo?
2.Will Rachel let them do this to her brand?
3.Does Bravo think we're stupid?
No, yes, and yes.
In the final half of the show, Rachel rolls around on a couch, swearing she is dying, refusing to see a doctor, blah, blah, blah.. that's dire straits for production, faking an illness. Oh, and there was a model shoot in between.
A bit of advice:
Ashton: go pull your GOOD contacts, or your wife's.
Rachel: focus on your brand and fashion, and eat something.
Bravo: quit plugging your other reality shows within your own reality shows, that are filled with commercials in between of your reality shows, or just make it one big show called:
The Real Housewives of Atlanta are Flipping Out on The Rachel Zoe Project
GEESH!!
This, I asked myself, last night, while watching the "RACHEL ZOE PROJECT" with my Lovely Wife, on the DVR of course. Where do I start?
SYNOPSIS
Rachel gets a call from self professed gattabout ASHTON KUTCHER, who would like her to appear in a webisode of his online animated show, "Blah Girls" (no, we're not linking that crap). She is charged with styling his animated characters for a prom. Later, riddled with exhaustion or an undisclosed disease, Rachel seems to be dying, or that's what Brad says at least, we can't tell if he's joking or that's his personal wish. We end up at "To be continued", as if it were a plot worth continuing.
Where do we start with this? Okay, Ashton's "Blah Girls".
INT. LAPTOP SCREEN - DAY
We see the not-un-Southpark-like "Blah Girls" animation, with their big heads and tiny bodies. They sound like Alvin and the Chipmunks. Two of the girls debate something, not memorable.
GIRL #1
I can't believe she'd do that..
GIRL #2
..if she didn't, I would have a ..
CUT TO:
Our POV is that of an animated character giving birth. We see our legs propped up, two hands reach down and pull out, a cow.
COW
Moo!
FADE OUT
She would have a cow, genius.. not.
In the next clip, a character responds to her mother, whose voice is represented by trumpet sounds, by saying "it's not my fault that you're getting vaginal rejuvination". Wow, who writes this stuff, an adolescent kid sneaking onto his father's script editing program at night? Oh, no, Ashton does.. sorry dude. You should call it "Dude, Where's My Writer?" instead.
Rachel comes and meets in a hallway with Ashton, his web developer, and sort of producer guy who wears irritating white and black checkered glasses. Ashton and his team look "put on the spot" as in "almost embarrassed" to be in this episode, and they should be.. and they should be doubly embarrassed over this childish animation they produce.
At work, all around a table, Ashton, of all people, is the one who has to pull Rachel into being serious, which is an uncomfortable moment for us all.
Finally, Rachel complains how she sucks at this, but does a perfect job when it comes down to it. She watches it on the laptop with Brad and Taylor, laughing. They use real video on Rachel, but animate her mouth in puppet fashion in the first shot; it's almost a slam which she manages to overlook (or they edit out her rant). Not real nice of you, Ashton.
Ashton and Demi call while the team is watching the animation. Rachel asks "are you two in Atlanta?". Huh? How would she know if they were, and why would it matter? Then, "have you seen Ne-Ne?". We hear Demi shouting out that she has watched every episode, not of Rachel Zoe, but of "Real Housewives of Atlanta".
So, let me lay this out: BRAVO TV, which airs both Rachel and the Atlanta Housewives show, agreed to air segments of Ashton's animation, in exchange for him allowing Rachel to be in one of his "webisodes", as well as a plug from Ashton and Demi for the housewives. Rachel also agreed to plug the housewives show in the phone convo.
Three questions:
1.Does Ashton have to kiss up to Bravo?
2.Will Rachel let them do this to her brand?
3.Does Bravo think we're stupid?
No, yes, and yes.
In the final half of the show, Rachel rolls around on a couch, swearing she is dying, refusing to see a doctor, blah, blah, blah.. that's dire straits for production, faking an illness. Oh, and there was a model shoot in between.
A bit of advice:
Ashton: go pull your GOOD contacts, or your wife's.
Rachel: focus on your brand and fashion, and eat something.
Bravo: quit plugging your other reality shows within your own reality shows, that are filled with commercials in between of your reality shows, or just make it one big show called:
The Real Housewives of Atlanta are Flipping Out on The Rachel Zoe Project
GEESH!!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
FULL CIRCLE DOUGHNUT
INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
Caesar the Dog has a round loop of rawhide in his mouth, a section chewed out, representing the letter "C". It's known as the "doughnut". Chewing voraciously, he steps just within Brian's reach, tempting him to take the bait.
BRIAN
You giving me that doughnut, Caesar? Good boy!
BRIAN (V.O.)
Nothing like a doughnut in the morning, a leather one at that.
(beat)
Several months ago, we bought a little rawhide pack full of different shapes and sizes. There was this small ring in there, and that was Caesar's favorite: the doughnut. It was neat to see him so thrilled over such a simple thing. It's really just another piece of rawhide but the shape is very unique. In no time he figured out how to remove the tab that binds both ends; he could have the doughnut ripped apart in one hour.
We pick these up on our Friday night grocery trip. Yes, we shop on Friday night, because we're married and like going into the weekend with a full "frig". Plus, there's not a lot else to do in this town except eat and go to the occasional movie.
We started a ritual with Caesar, telling him to "be good" while we're gone and we'll bring him a doughnut. He clearly understands, going to his kennel and waiting. When we get back he's really excited, sitting perfectly in front of my Lovely Wife so she can unpack the doughnut and hand it over. It's his thrill of the week.
On one grocery run we were disappointed to see that they were out of the doughnuts. I searched through several packs and found one inside, but it was a very small version, a mini-doughnut if you will. Unveiled at home, Caesar could have cared less, it was round and made of rawhide, all the same to him, he ran off with it in his mouth, ecstatic as ever.
Lately, we've been able to get the full-sized version again. He's changed his habit: instead of tearing it up in one hour he stretches it over a week. Just when you think it is gone he appears with a half-chewed shape from his secret hiding place, like he did this morning.
In relation to screenwriting, our scripts are like the doughnut. Sometimes we spill out a scene as fast as Caesar eats one. Other times, we play with it a bit, then pull it out later, getting enthused again. And like the dog, we have some hidden, unfinished pieces laying around that only need a few more bites to complete. We ought to try to finish the leftovers, coming full circle, otherwise they might end up in a box, in the trash, like several of Caesar's small, unfinished tidbits of leather.
Good luck in your writing.
Caesar the Dog has a round loop of rawhide in his mouth, a section chewed out, representing the letter "C". It's known as the "doughnut". Chewing voraciously, he steps just within Brian's reach, tempting him to take the bait.
BRIAN
You giving me that doughnut, Caesar? Good boy!
BRIAN (V.O.)
Nothing like a doughnut in the morning, a leather one at that.
(beat)
Several months ago, we bought a little rawhide pack full of different shapes and sizes. There was this small ring in there, and that was Caesar's favorite: the doughnut. It was neat to see him so thrilled over such a simple thing. It's really just another piece of rawhide but the shape is very unique. In no time he figured out how to remove the tab that binds both ends; he could have the doughnut ripped apart in one hour.
We pick these up on our Friday night grocery trip. Yes, we shop on Friday night, because we're married and like going into the weekend with a full "frig". Plus, there's not a lot else to do in this town except eat and go to the occasional movie.
We started a ritual with Caesar, telling him to "be good" while we're gone and we'll bring him a doughnut. He clearly understands, going to his kennel and waiting. When we get back he's really excited, sitting perfectly in front of my Lovely Wife so she can unpack the doughnut and hand it over. It's his thrill of the week.
On one grocery run we were disappointed to see that they were out of the doughnuts. I searched through several packs and found one inside, but it was a very small version, a mini-doughnut if you will. Unveiled at home, Caesar could have cared less, it was round and made of rawhide, all the same to him, he ran off with it in his mouth, ecstatic as ever.
Lately, we've been able to get the full-sized version again. He's changed his habit: instead of tearing it up in one hour he stretches it over a week. Just when you think it is gone he appears with a half-chewed shape from his secret hiding place, like he did this morning.
In relation to screenwriting, our scripts are like the doughnut. Sometimes we spill out a scene as fast as Caesar eats one. Other times, we play with it a bit, then pull it out later, getting enthused again. And like the dog, we have some hidden, unfinished pieces laying around that only need a few more bites to complete. We ought to try to finish the leftovers, coming full circle, otherwise they might end up in a box, in the trash, like several of Caesar's small, unfinished tidbits of leather.
Good luck in your writing.
Monday, September 21, 2009
SECOND SCRIPT!!
Yes, that little box on the right is not in error: I've started a second script! I needed to, my first script is nearing completion, lately there's been a lot of rewriting and polishing on it and I need to check all the connections, but it's pretty much done.
So yesterday, Sunday, I needed to get a fresh breath of air into things. There's a place that I've been wanting to write about, but that alone doesn't make a film. As I mentioned before, I love shows like "RICK STEVE'S EUROPE" on PBS, but I'm not out to make a travel guide or show, I want to sell a spec script. I don't think someone is going to produce my script because it has breathtaking, scenic views and little or no content.
By the way, Rick's site is titled "Europe Through the Back Door". If there's been any lingering concepts concerning his orientation, this title doesn't help!!
The first, and hardest step, was figuring out the genre. Action was an easy choice, you can make an action film set just about anywhere, any country or place, underwater, in the sky. I have great respect for a scribe who can sell an action script, it's not as easy as one would think. Back in the 1970's you could do a big chase scene with muscle cars bounding hills, but there has to be more to it nowadays in order to sell such a script.
I noticed the NICHOLL AWARDS seem to love screenplays involving terrorists. I worry about them enough in real life, I'm not going to let the terrorists ruin my screenwriting experience.
It could be a drama, but I'm not in the mood for a downer. Lovely Wife watched "THE SECRET LIFE OF BEES" yesterday while I worked on the logline for the new script. I passed on the show, looked like it was heading down a trail of sad, and it did.
I started writing down ideas of things that could happen in the setting, imagining I was there, the feeling. Then it started talking to me: yes, my story started appearing in my eyes and I had the synopsis down and was cutting it up to acts in no time.
Then I took it to my Lovely Wife to see if it would check out. She had a few good questions, which gave me some more answers; the whole story was looking strong within an hour of inception and I already ran it through my "focus audience".
Sitting at my script editor, I took a stab at writing chronologically, typing:
INT. LYONS HOME - NIGHT
We see Steve..
and stared at that for about twenty minutes, what a waste of time. Writing in order is overrated, in my opinion. How can I build character on the first page if I don't know how this guy acts in page ten or twenty? It's like a baby, all you can do is sit there and wait for the kid to grow up and hope it does neat things in life. Talk to the kid thirty or fifty or seventy years later and then you've got an interesting story. Works for me.
So I jumped ahead about ten to twenty pages and knocked out six pages in a scene, it just flowed. Giving myself a sixty day limit on scripts, this one should be done by Thanksgiving. I've got a nearly completed screenplay, and a freshly born script...
with no sight of terrorists in the plot, just yet.
So yesterday, Sunday, I needed to get a fresh breath of air into things. There's a place that I've been wanting to write about, but that alone doesn't make a film. As I mentioned before, I love shows like "RICK STEVE'S EUROPE" on PBS, but I'm not out to make a travel guide or show, I want to sell a spec script. I don't think someone is going to produce my script because it has breathtaking, scenic views and little or no content.
By the way, Rick's site is titled "Europe Through the Back Door". If there's been any lingering concepts concerning his orientation, this title doesn't help!!
The first, and hardest step, was figuring out the genre. Action was an easy choice, you can make an action film set just about anywhere, any country or place, underwater, in the sky. I have great respect for a scribe who can sell an action script, it's not as easy as one would think. Back in the 1970's you could do a big chase scene with muscle cars bounding hills, but there has to be more to it nowadays in order to sell such a script.
I noticed the NICHOLL AWARDS seem to love screenplays involving terrorists. I worry about them enough in real life, I'm not going to let the terrorists ruin my screenwriting experience.
It could be a drama, but I'm not in the mood for a downer. Lovely Wife watched "THE SECRET LIFE OF BEES" yesterday while I worked on the logline for the new script. I passed on the show, looked like it was heading down a trail of sad, and it did.
I started writing down ideas of things that could happen in the setting, imagining I was there, the feeling. Then it started talking to me: yes, my story started appearing in my eyes and I had the synopsis down and was cutting it up to acts in no time.
Then I took it to my Lovely Wife to see if it would check out. She had a few good questions, which gave me some more answers; the whole story was looking strong within an hour of inception and I already ran it through my "focus audience".
Sitting at my script editor, I took a stab at writing chronologically, typing:
INT. LYONS HOME - NIGHT
We see Steve..
and stared at that for about twenty minutes, what a waste of time. Writing in order is overrated, in my opinion. How can I build character on the first page if I don't know how this guy acts in page ten or twenty? It's like a baby, all you can do is sit there and wait for the kid to grow up and hope it does neat things in life. Talk to the kid thirty or fifty or seventy years later and then you've got an interesting story. Works for me.
So I jumped ahead about ten to twenty pages and knocked out six pages in a scene, it just flowed. Giving myself a sixty day limit on scripts, this one should be done by Thanksgiving. I've got a nearly completed screenplay, and a freshly born script...
with no sight of terrorists in the plot, just yet.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
BREAKING NEWS
Years ago, I was hanging out with my two cats on a Saturday afternoon, in between jobs, watching PBS. An interesting, robust character, DR. WEIL, spoke in a segment about different ways to improve your life. One of his suggestions was to take a "news break" for one week, avoiding your regular routine of reading the paper and watching the TV (this must have been around 1995, because I wasn't online yet).
Back then I would get up at 5:30 AM everyday, not because I had to, but because someone kept stealing my morning newspaper and I had to beat them to it. That whole drama is a story in itself.
My forced news break gave me a reason to sleep in, almost hoping someone would steal my newspaper. But, low and behold, no matter how long I slept, when I awoke and peered through the blinds, that fresh roll of newsprint was on the lawn, calling out to me.
It was hard at first, passing on the morning headlines, skipping my horoscope, not being able to see who wrote to "Dear Abby", but I kept my promise to myself and kept stacking the papers on the back porch. When watching TV, if a news program came on then I immediately changed the channel. That was a bit harder because of the news teasers in between shows, it was like the local affiliates knew of my self-imposed plan and were out to foil it. I'd be in the middle of a "HOME IMPROVEMENT" rerun and local weatherman "Dave Murray" would slip in to warn us of an impending tornado. That really put me on the fence because it was news that had to do with my safety. I held out until the town sirens blasted and then dashed for the basement.
The best thing about my news break was missing out on politics. It made me realize that we don't have any power or interest in politics unless we get involved. Simply reading the newspaper does not mean you're involved in politics, it just means your reading about the people involved. It can make you feel pretty bad, always reading about something that concerns you but you have no power to influence or change.
After one week I felt better, my head in the clouds about current events (like most people), and there is something great about being naive to things. My life was no longer a routine of the morning paper and evening news, I could come and go as I pleased.
I went back to reading the paper, but with a new attitude. I learned that I needed to accept the things in the news that I cannot change, which is most of it. I also learned that if I don't care if someone steals my newspaper, then they won't take it.
Just this Saturday, someone stole our newspaper. Lovely Wife believes it wasn't delivered but I'm sure it was stolen, I know this game. So it's back to my old routine of getting up at 5:30 AM to nail the perp.
That tells me it's just about time for another "news break".
Back then I would get up at 5:30 AM everyday, not because I had to, but because someone kept stealing my morning newspaper and I had to beat them to it. That whole drama is a story in itself.
My forced news break gave me a reason to sleep in, almost hoping someone would steal my newspaper. But, low and behold, no matter how long I slept, when I awoke and peered through the blinds, that fresh roll of newsprint was on the lawn, calling out to me.
It was hard at first, passing on the morning headlines, skipping my horoscope, not being able to see who wrote to "Dear Abby", but I kept my promise to myself and kept stacking the papers on the back porch. When watching TV, if a news program came on then I immediately changed the channel. That was a bit harder because of the news teasers in between shows, it was like the local affiliates knew of my self-imposed plan and were out to foil it. I'd be in the middle of a "HOME IMPROVEMENT" rerun and local weatherman "Dave Murray" would slip in to warn us of an impending tornado. That really put me on the fence because it was news that had to do with my safety. I held out until the town sirens blasted and then dashed for the basement.
The best thing about my news break was missing out on politics. It made me realize that we don't have any power or interest in politics unless we get involved. Simply reading the newspaper does not mean you're involved in politics, it just means your reading about the people involved. It can make you feel pretty bad, always reading about something that concerns you but you have no power to influence or change.
After one week I felt better, my head in the clouds about current events (like most people), and there is something great about being naive to things. My life was no longer a routine of the morning paper and evening news, I could come and go as I pleased.
I went back to reading the paper, but with a new attitude. I learned that I needed to accept the things in the news that I cannot change, which is most of it. I also learned that if I don't care if someone steals my newspaper, then they won't take it.
Just this Saturday, someone stole our newspaper. Lovely Wife believes it wasn't delivered but I'm sure it was stolen, I know this game. So it's back to my old routine of getting up at 5:30 AM to nail the perp.
That tells me it's just about time for another "news break".
Saturday, September 19, 2009
FLIP THIS CITY
This week I was able to get some information on how the poor economy, aka recession, is affecting the screenwriting profession. It's not surprising that the scribes are feeling the impact; no trade is safe in today's climate.
There were some recent warning signs leading up to these tough times. STEVEN SPIELBERG took out a loan with a mogul from India, "to get some action films shot", in his words. I guess that's good news if you write action, it just seems strange that the financing came the way it did. Another sign was a deal cut between DREAMWORKS and DISNEY earlier in the year. When competitors start teaming up it's usually a sign that both are struggling.
THE GUIDING LIGHT aired their last episode yesterday. You couldn't miss all the reports on the sad demise, how they were down to shooting the show on simple video and using company offices as sets. It's just hard to accept the fact that an icon in the TV soap industry has been shut down, but times have changed. Women have better things to do than to watch afternoon soaps, thank god.
A source in the loop said that a lot of writers are only being offered "one-step" deals, and that production companies don't want to pay for rewrites or polishing. There is also talk of lack of negotiations; you take what they're offering or that's it.
The box office, however, doesn't seem as affected. There was a scare with theaters because of DVD and the advent of online movies, but from the numbers it seems that people still enjoy going to the cinema. That's a good thing, and something that is bound to stand the test of time because there is a cultural, community-like atmosphere at the theater that no technology can reproduce. As long as the numbers are there, Hollywood can't pass on the gamble, and if they are cutting corners on the script they're playing with the profits of a potential hit.
I have a theory that Hollywood might move, literally. California has big economic problems right now, has had for a long time. The fires got a bit too close this year. Earthquakes are a "gimme", but you have to wonder how long people will stay in denial about the fault line. Power, water, pollution, traffic... it's all there and more condensed than the rest of the United States.
My guess is that it will be a large scale move, kind of a "Flip This City", with SPIELBERG and KATZENBERG scoping out some new, midwestern location to settle down in. Goes something like this:
EXT. GENERIC MIDWESTERN TOWN - DAY
Steven and Jeffrey meet with their realtor in the parking lot of a big-box chain, let's say "Best Buy", or "World Market". Steven hold a lens to his eye, scanning the lot, while Jeffrey goes down a list on a clipboard.
JEFFREY
(concisely)
..and you said there is a "Whole Foods" here?
REALTOR
(matter of factly)
Yes, right around the corner, one of two in this town.
STEVEN
(pans to Whole Foods sign)
I see it, nice, I enjoy Whole Foods.
JEFFREY
(concerned)
And a Wal-Mart?
REALTOR
Of course, across the street.
STEVEN
(elated)
Cool, I always wanted to own a Wal-Mart!
JEFFREY
Steven, I think we're going to have to convert that to a studio.
STEVEN
(disappointed)
And pass on the "rollback" pricing? I love those happy faces!
JEFFREY
We'll figure it out.
(to realtor)
How far to temple?
REALTOR
(points to hill)
El B'nai is right over there.
Jeffrey motions to Steven, calling for a discrete discussion. After several minutes they have come up with an offer.
JEFFREY
We'll pay asking price, with one contingency.
REALTOR
(hopeful)
That is?
STEPHEN
It's contingent on the sale of our "other place".
REALTOR
You mean Hollywood?
The two, embarrassed, mumble affirmatively.
REALTOR
(disappointed)
In this market? Not happening!
STEPHEN
(curiously)
Hmm, think we can still get the Wal-Mart?
JEFFREY
(complacent)
Oy veh!
FADE OUT
There were some recent warning signs leading up to these tough times. STEVEN SPIELBERG took out a loan with a mogul from India, "to get some action films shot", in his words. I guess that's good news if you write action, it just seems strange that the financing came the way it did. Another sign was a deal cut between DREAMWORKS and DISNEY earlier in the year. When competitors start teaming up it's usually a sign that both are struggling.
THE GUIDING LIGHT aired their last episode yesterday. You couldn't miss all the reports on the sad demise, how they were down to shooting the show on simple video and using company offices as sets. It's just hard to accept the fact that an icon in the TV soap industry has been shut down, but times have changed. Women have better things to do than to watch afternoon soaps, thank god.
A source in the loop said that a lot of writers are only being offered "one-step" deals, and that production companies don't want to pay for rewrites or polishing. There is also talk of lack of negotiations; you take what they're offering or that's it.
The box office, however, doesn't seem as affected. There was a scare with theaters because of DVD and the advent of online movies, but from the numbers it seems that people still enjoy going to the cinema. That's a good thing, and something that is bound to stand the test of time because there is a cultural, community-like atmosphere at the theater that no technology can reproduce. As long as the numbers are there, Hollywood can't pass on the gamble, and if they are cutting corners on the script they're playing with the profits of a potential hit.
I have a theory that Hollywood might move, literally. California has big economic problems right now, has had for a long time. The fires got a bit too close this year. Earthquakes are a "gimme", but you have to wonder how long people will stay in denial about the fault line. Power, water, pollution, traffic... it's all there and more condensed than the rest of the United States.
My guess is that it will be a large scale move, kind of a "Flip This City", with SPIELBERG and KATZENBERG scoping out some new, midwestern location to settle down in. Goes something like this:
EXT. GENERIC MIDWESTERN TOWN - DAY
Steven and Jeffrey meet with their realtor in the parking lot of a big-box chain, let's say "Best Buy", or "World Market". Steven hold a lens to his eye, scanning the lot, while Jeffrey goes down a list on a clipboard.
JEFFREY
(concisely)
..and you said there is a "Whole Foods" here?
REALTOR
(matter of factly)
Yes, right around the corner, one of two in this town.
STEVEN
(pans to Whole Foods sign)
I see it, nice, I enjoy Whole Foods.
JEFFREY
(concerned)
And a Wal-Mart?
REALTOR
Of course, across the street.
STEVEN
(elated)
Cool, I always wanted to own a Wal-Mart!
JEFFREY
Steven, I think we're going to have to convert that to a studio.
STEVEN
(disappointed)
And pass on the "rollback" pricing? I love those happy faces!
JEFFREY
We'll figure it out.
(to realtor)
How far to temple?
REALTOR
(points to hill)
El B'nai is right over there.
Jeffrey motions to Steven, calling for a discrete discussion. After several minutes they have come up with an offer.
JEFFREY
We'll pay asking price, with one contingency.
REALTOR
(hopeful)
That is?
STEPHEN
It's contingent on the sale of our "other place".
REALTOR
You mean Hollywood?
The two, embarrassed, mumble affirmatively.
REALTOR
(disappointed)
In this market? Not happening!
STEPHEN
(curiously)
Hmm, think we can still get the Wal-Mart?
JEFFREY
(complacent)
Oy veh!
FADE OUT
Friday, September 18, 2009
SNAKES FLIPPING OUT
INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
We see Brian opening the french doors, a line of four-legged figures behind the glass. Dusty, Cat #1, strolls out, followed by Maus, Cat #2, then a much larger figure, Caesar, the Dog. Each pet takes their position, lined up at the screen facing the valley. It's the morning bird show, their heads following a cardinal in sync, like the audience of a Wimbledon match.
BRIAN (V.O.)
And people say cats and dogs don't get along, ha!
(beat)
That's the morning ritual of my pack, we get out here on the post and watch for activity. We've seen a lot: all types of birds, vultures and hawks are an occasional thrill; there's a possum that patrols the low border in the valley if you get up early enough. A family of raccoons made an appearance. My favorite is probably the black snake; they're harmless and beautiful creatures, slithering up trees, slinking across the lawn. Not like this place is crawling with snakes, as most South Carolinians would like a yankee to believe. Somehow they think that's funny, saying a place is covered in snakes. There are hardly any snakes here, otherwise you would see them dead in the road, like so often in the midwest. Rural Illinois, now that's a place chock-full of snakes!
I don't miss some of the "industry snakes" I used to deal with, namely contractors and interior designers, and the occasional painting client with an attitude. Just the other night I was reminded of this during an episode of "FLIPPING OUT", where JEFF LEWIS is about to get stiffed by a client. "Stiffed" means not paid, shorted, screwed over, if you're not familiar with the term.
Jeff and his dedicated assistant, Jenny, are tasked with a pretty much cosmetic renovation on a potentially beautiful BEL AIR home. To Jeff, it seems like a fantastic opportunity, to me it has red lights glowing all over it, and I'll tell you why:
*He says the client just got divorced and is renovating with her boyfriend. This smacks of a project where everything is dependent on alimony or maintainence checks from the ex.
*Her budget is $100k. That's not a lot to spiff up a home, especially in Beverly Hills.
But, Jeff needs the project in this economy, and he is betting that he could get three to five other projects through her friends if he does a good job. Which leads to his "Wrong Theory #1: Expecting Referrals Through Another Project". If Jeff had more experience he would know that a lot of people won't refer your great services, for several reasons. They don't want their friends "stealing" their contractor; never knowing when they might need something fixed or an addition, only to call and hear that he is too busy" at their friend's house. When you work that intimately with someone you get to know everything about them, their finances, mates, boisterously bad behaving children. Referring someone to a friend is a direct line for friends to dig into your private life.
Moving forward, we see the meeting, the lady who is trying to be younger than she is, with her younger boyfriend. Fine. Jeff fails to collect some funds, leading to "Wrong Theory #2: People Will Always Pay for Services Rendered". Nope, they only pay if you make them sign a contract, stipulating the down-payment, as well as any progress payments on a big job. Red light on fire!
But, Jeff moves on anyway, gets his subs in there and they go to work. By the time we see Jeff again he thinks he is due approximately $25,000 in funds, so he can pay his subcontractors. Of course, his client is avoiding his calls and messages, she just got that much money in "free work". Her next step, which Jeff doesn't seem to comprehend at all, is to damage the working relationship so everyone will pull out. Any unfinished work, she will figure, can be done by some other contractor, and she will repeat this pattern until the home is completed.
Naively, Jeff threatens to get payment or pull out, "Wrong Theory #3: If We Stop Work and Pull Out, They Will Pay". Hell no, they want you gone! The only way you'll get that money is through costly litigation, and another way which I bet he hasn't even thought of yet.
Jenny orders the subs to stop work and roll out, the client, on film, adamantly saying to her face, "We're not talking about money anymore today". The team takes the bait and leaves. Don't leave, set up a tent, tell your contractors to bring in some beer while they work and "accidentally" spill materials all over the place. Tell the plumber to seal lines using Elmer's glue! Become the biggest nuisance and nightmare to the point where she will pay for you to leave!
But nope, they don't know how to do it, instead they fulfill this evil snake's dream, and leave.
Jeff gets on the phone with the lady and tells her that if she can't pay the subs then he will, leading to "Big, Stupid Theory #4: The Client Will Have Mercy on Me". Haaa! You just made her day, Jeff, because if you pay the contractors she only has to worry about a lawsuit from you, not four or five different parties. Instead, you should have said that the plumber, tile guy, electrician, painter, and you were going to sue her ass off, and each was in the process of putting a lien on the home. Yes, a LIEN. Jeff, if you're reading this, I've told you everything else, you're going to have to look up "filing a lien" on "the google", enough favors from me, bud, because I'm not getting paid for this and I believe firmly in "Wrong Theory #1", see above.
So it ends with her getting snippy on the phone and saying it's over, just what she wanted, an excuse to cut ties. She doesn't even care if this is on national TV, because she has no friends, and if she does, they are snakes too, so to hell with a referral from this bunch!
I don't know how Jeff resolves the problem, I guess that's in the next episode. For now, unless he takes my advice, he is pretty much screwed.
Whatever the profession: screenwriting, plumbing, design, painting.. whatever your job is, don't work for free, and don't accept a deal that's not on paper, and hold them to it. You figure they're "too busy" to draft that in print? Well, later on they will be "too busy" to pay you.
Damn snakes, they ARE everywhere!
We see Brian opening the french doors, a line of four-legged figures behind the glass. Dusty, Cat #1, strolls out, followed by Maus, Cat #2, then a much larger figure, Caesar, the Dog. Each pet takes their position, lined up at the screen facing the valley. It's the morning bird show, their heads following a cardinal in sync, like the audience of a Wimbledon match.
BRIAN (V.O.)
And people say cats and dogs don't get along, ha!
(beat)
That's the morning ritual of my pack, we get out here on the post and watch for activity. We've seen a lot: all types of birds, vultures and hawks are an occasional thrill; there's a possum that patrols the low border in the valley if you get up early enough. A family of raccoons made an appearance. My favorite is probably the black snake; they're harmless and beautiful creatures, slithering up trees, slinking across the lawn. Not like this place is crawling with snakes, as most South Carolinians would like a yankee to believe. Somehow they think that's funny, saying a place is covered in snakes. There are hardly any snakes here, otherwise you would see them dead in the road, like so often in the midwest. Rural Illinois, now that's a place chock-full of snakes!
I don't miss some of the "industry snakes" I used to deal with, namely contractors and interior designers, and the occasional painting client with an attitude. Just the other night I was reminded of this during an episode of "FLIPPING OUT", where JEFF LEWIS is about to get stiffed by a client. "Stiffed" means not paid, shorted, screwed over, if you're not familiar with the term.
Jeff and his dedicated assistant, Jenny, are tasked with a pretty much cosmetic renovation on a potentially beautiful BEL AIR home. To Jeff, it seems like a fantastic opportunity, to me it has red lights glowing all over it, and I'll tell you why:
*He says the client just got divorced and is renovating with her boyfriend. This smacks of a project where everything is dependent on alimony or maintainence checks from the ex.
*Her budget is $100k. That's not a lot to spiff up a home, especially in Beverly Hills.
But, Jeff needs the project in this economy, and he is betting that he could get three to five other projects through her friends if he does a good job. Which leads to his "Wrong Theory #1: Expecting Referrals Through Another Project". If Jeff had more experience he would know that a lot of people won't refer your great services, for several reasons. They don't want their friends "stealing" their contractor; never knowing when they might need something fixed or an addition, only to call and hear that he is too busy" at their friend's house. When you work that intimately with someone you get to know everything about them, their finances, mates, boisterously bad behaving children. Referring someone to a friend is a direct line for friends to dig into your private life.
Moving forward, we see the meeting, the lady who is trying to be younger than she is, with her younger boyfriend. Fine. Jeff fails to collect some funds, leading to "Wrong Theory #2: People Will Always Pay for Services Rendered". Nope, they only pay if you make them sign a contract, stipulating the down-payment, as well as any progress payments on a big job. Red light on fire!
But, Jeff moves on anyway, gets his subs in there and they go to work. By the time we see Jeff again he thinks he is due approximately $25,000 in funds, so he can pay his subcontractors. Of course, his client is avoiding his calls and messages, she just got that much money in "free work". Her next step, which Jeff doesn't seem to comprehend at all, is to damage the working relationship so everyone will pull out. Any unfinished work, she will figure, can be done by some other contractor, and she will repeat this pattern until the home is completed.
Naively, Jeff threatens to get payment or pull out, "Wrong Theory #3: If We Stop Work and Pull Out, They Will Pay". Hell no, they want you gone! The only way you'll get that money is through costly litigation, and another way which I bet he hasn't even thought of yet.
Jenny orders the subs to stop work and roll out, the client, on film, adamantly saying to her face, "We're not talking about money anymore today". The team takes the bait and leaves. Don't leave, set up a tent, tell your contractors to bring in some beer while they work and "accidentally" spill materials all over the place. Tell the plumber to seal lines using Elmer's glue! Become the biggest nuisance and nightmare to the point where she will pay for you to leave!
But nope, they don't know how to do it, instead they fulfill this evil snake's dream, and leave.
Jeff gets on the phone with the lady and tells her that if she can't pay the subs then he will, leading to "Big, Stupid Theory #4: The Client Will Have Mercy on Me". Haaa! You just made her day, Jeff, because if you pay the contractors she only has to worry about a lawsuit from you, not four or five different parties. Instead, you should have said that the plumber, tile guy, electrician, painter, and you were going to sue her ass off, and each was in the process of putting a lien on the home. Yes, a LIEN. Jeff, if you're reading this, I've told you everything else, you're going to have to look up "filing a lien" on "the google", enough favors from me, bud, because I'm not getting paid for this and I believe firmly in "Wrong Theory #1", see above.
So it ends with her getting snippy on the phone and saying it's over, just what she wanted, an excuse to cut ties. She doesn't even care if this is on national TV, because she has no friends, and if she does, they are snakes too, so to hell with a referral from this bunch!
I don't know how Jeff resolves the problem, I guess that's in the next episode. For now, unless he takes my advice, he is pretty much screwed.
Whatever the profession: screenwriting, plumbing, design, painting.. whatever your job is, don't work for free, and don't accept a deal that's not on paper, and hold them to it. You figure they're "too busy" to draft that in print? Well, later on they will be "too busy" to pay you.
Damn snakes, they ARE everywhere!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
"REALITY" TV
You can tell a lot about a person by looking at their DVR menu. When you view the listings that me and my Lovely Wife share, you can figure out that we: would love to move out of country again (INTERNATIONAL HOUSE HUNTERS), enjoy viewing nice homes (FLIPPING OUT), keep up with style and fashion (RACHEL ZOE, WHAT NOT TO WEAR), own a dog (THE DOG WHISPERER), like celebrity spoofs (THE DISH, THE SOUP), and love the making of music (DIDDY in MAKING HIS BAND). Staples, when in season, are THE HILLS and THE CITY, because they employ all of the above, except pets, unless you want to count when LC and Lo got a dog, Lo dissing Audrina in the process. And as far as moving out of the country again, watch enough episodes of the aforementioned and you will soon be considering that action as well.
You won't find sports events on the list except for MOTO GP, that's my recording of super-fast international level motorcycle racing. And, you won't find anything like THE BACHELOR or MORE TO LOVE, but you will however see ROCK OF LOVE if they go for that again; it's a train wreck that has to be watched, shout out to Bret Michaels, lol!
Reality shows make up a big part of the list. Last night we watched GUILIANA AND BILL, the married couple comprised of E-NEWS hostess, DePandi, and the former Trump Apprentice, Rancic.
What does this all have to do with scripting? Everything. Okay, figuring out that "reality" shows are scripted was like finding out that Santa didn't exist, but it doesn't ruin Christmas, you can still enjoy the guilty pleasure.
Guiliana and Bill runs thirty minutes, so there's no slack time there, they keep it moving. Set in Chicago as well as LA, you get the best of both worlds, although I haven't once heard Guiliana whine about the freezing cold of the windy city, which is colder than Moscow for 80% of the year, and that is freaking cold. If you live there, sorry for my comments, but you're in cryogenic denial about the weather, a serious one.
We get to see where they live, what they do, where they're going; I guess that is what reality TV is about, but they keep it rolling and it's funny and not overly staged. Last night I figured out that they're using a "Lucy and Ricky" concept: Bill is the level head, he plays along with Guiliana's shenanigans, accepting her naivete' about things. Guiliana is Lucy, attempting to cook, or thinking that she's good at dancing, or assisting Bill on one of his renovation projects.
The program is funny, sweet, it shows how much fun it is to be married if you make the right choices and work at things, and we love that. Its fast pace keeps you focused on the plot and sharp dialogue. The backstory of either is no secret and is part of the foundation of the series.
I'd rate it PG-13 since sometimes Guiliana will let something slip that will drop your jaw. But in the end we know that's scripted, and for those who don't, I'm sure they'll be hitting the message boards with critical commentary but will keep tuning in, and that's the key to the business: viewers and ratings.
So good luck to the couple, we'd like to see more if they can keep the pace. And if not, there's always another series of those crazy "housewife" shows, the next being set in Dallas, Texas. Saddle up, someone's going to get branded.
You won't find sports events on the list except for MOTO GP, that's my recording of super-fast international level motorcycle racing. And, you won't find anything like THE BACHELOR or MORE TO LOVE, but you will however see ROCK OF LOVE if they go for that again; it's a train wreck that has to be watched, shout out to Bret Michaels, lol!
Reality shows make up a big part of the list. Last night we watched GUILIANA AND BILL, the married couple comprised of E-NEWS hostess, DePandi, and the former Trump Apprentice, Rancic.
What does this all have to do with scripting? Everything. Okay, figuring out that "reality" shows are scripted was like finding out that Santa didn't exist, but it doesn't ruin Christmas, you can still enjoy the guilty pleasure.
Guiliana and Bill runs thirty minutes, so there's no slack time there, they keep it moving. Set in Chicago as well as LA, you get the best of both worlds, although I haven't once heard Guiliana whine about the freezing cold of the windy city, which is colder than Moscow for 80% of the year, and that is freaking cold. If you live there, sorry for my comments, but you're in cryogenic denial about the weather, a serious one.
We get to see where they live, what they do, where they're going; I guess that is what reality TV is about, but they keep it rolling and it's funny and not overly staged. Last night I figured out that they're using a "Lucy and Ricky" concept: Bill is the level head, he plays along with Guiliana's shenanigans, accepting her naivete' about things. Guiliana is Lucy, attempting to cook, or thinking that she's good at dancing, or assisting Bill on one of his renovation projects.
The program is funny, sweet, it shows how much fun it is to be married if you make the right choices and work at things, and we love that. Its fast pace keeps you focused on the plot and sharp dialogue. The backstory of either is no secret and is part of the foundation of the series.
I'd rate it PG-13 since sometimes Guiliana will let something slip that will drop your jaw. But in the end we know that's scripted, and for those who don't, I'm sure they'll be hitting the message boards with critical commentary but will keep tuning in, and that's the key to the business: viewers and ratings.
So good luck to the couple, we'd like to see more if they can keep the pace. And if not, there's always another series of those crazy "housewife" shows, the next being set in Dallas, Texas. Saddle up, someone's going to get branded.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
RACHEL ZOE PROJECT, POST II
We caught RACHEL ZOE again, last night on the DVR. This episode revolved around tabloids and their purported "false reporting" on Rachel. It starts out with Rach, Brad, and Taylor working together on a (fictitious?) project and cuts to Rachel reading a report that she was screaming into her phone at a show in New York's fashion week.
Why is that so hard to imagine?
I'm sure a lot of people scream into their phone during fashion week, or? I mean, any designer or stylist SHOULD be doing it, getting things done. And then, to get the coverage in print, the proof that you'll go off into an electronic device in front of a crowd over some not so trivial beading or what? That's fantastic, she should be proud, not embarrassed.
As we roll along, her husband, whose name fails me, which is not good so he should use a memorable name like "Miko" or "Timo" or what... well, he gives Rachel a pep talk while making her breakfast.
INT. ZOE KITCHEN - MORNING
Rachel is on her laptop, scanning down the latest rumors posted about her weight, or lack thereof, and supposed bad attitude.
RACHEL
(beside herself)
..and I just can't believe, see, no, that's not true either, all lies..
HUSBAND
(making breakfast)
Hey, c'mon honey, we know that's not true, your friends know that you're nice...
RACHEL
(not listening)
..how can they post this about me?
HUSBAND
(polite)
Your coffee is almost ready..
RACHEL
(evil look)
COFFEE? I wanted TEA.
HUSBAND
(flinching)
Oh, er, uh, no problem Rach, I can make tea too, got it!
Rachel looks like she'll rip his head off if he doesn't get some tea made ASAP.
RACHEL
(fake nice)
Oh, that's so sweet of you.
MOMENTS LATER:
Husband serves Rachel the cup of tea, then realizes he forgot about the pancake thingy or whatever that is in the microwave.
HUSBAND
(dashing to microwave)
Holy..
RACHEL
(complacent)
Is there going to be a fire?
HUSBAND
(relieved)
Ahh, no, it's okay now.
RACHEL
(bitchy)
Good, HURRY UP WITH THAT, I don't want to be late.
SO, if at first we believed Rachel, that the tabloids were lying about her, let's call it "attitudeness", it's hard not to side them after what we just viewed. Yes, she kind of dogged her husband in front of x-million viewers, she's no princess.
Moving on, MARIE CLAIRE shoots Rachel (on film I mean) for a style page on lower cost items. This is filled with constant "ohmygod"s and "de-saster"s.
The highlight, and funniest moment is when assistant Brad, during make-up for Rachel's shoot, grabs a thin blonde wig and parts it over his head, with super-long bangs, emulating ever-crabby assistant TAYLOR. Everyone cracks up and they shoot the image and send it to Taylor over the phone.
Of course, Taylor takes offense, bails out on that night's party, claiming she is not "socially adept". Wow, just what you want in an assistant that you send to celebrity homes for styling, someone who is antisocial, or socially inept, as she put it.
At the party, several people ask Rachel and Brad where Taylor is. Later, the two discuss it, Rachel being surprised that people were asking for Taylor by her name, exclaiming, "they knew her name!".
Surprised, Rachel? Yep, we are too.
Why is that so hard to imagine?
I'm sure a lot of people scream into their phone during fashion week, or? I mean, any designer or stylist SHOULD be doing it, getting things done. And then, to get the coverage in print, the proof that you'll go off into an electronic device in front of a crowd over some not so trivial beading or what? That's fantastic, she should be proud, not embarrassed.
As we roll along, her husband, whose name fails me, which is not good so he should use a memorable name like "Miko" or "Timo" or what... well, he gives Rachel a pep talk while making her breakfast.
INT. ZOE KITCHEN - MORNING
Rachel is on her laptop, scanning down the latest rumors posted about her weight, or lack thereof, and supposed bad attitude.
RACHEL
(beside herself)
..and I just can't believe, see, no, that's not true either, all lies..
HUSBAND
(making breakfast)
Hey, c'mon honey, we know that's not true, your friends know that you're nice...
RACHEL
(not listening)
..how can they post this about me?
HUSBAND
(polite)
Your coffee is almost ready..
RACHEL
(evil look)
COFFEE? I wanted TEA.
HUSBAND
(flinching)
Oh, er, uh, no problem Rach, I can make tea too, got it!
Rachel looks like she'll rip his head off if he doesn't get some tea made ASAP.
RACHEL
(fake nice)
Oh, that's so sweet of you.
MOMENTS LATER:
Husband serves Rachel the cup of tea, then realizes he forgot about the pancake thingy or whatever that is in the microwave.
HUSBAND
(dashing to microwave)
Holy..
RACHEL
(complacent)
Is there going to be a fire?
HUSBAND
(relieved)
Ahh, no, it's okay now.
RACHEL
(bitchy)
Good, HURRY UP WITH THAT, I don't want to be late.
SO, if at first we believed Rachel, that the tabloids were lying about her, let's call it "attitudeness", it's hard not to side them after what we just viewed. Yes, she kind of dogged her husband in front of x-million viewers, she's no princess.
Moving on, MARIE CLAIRE shoots Rachel (on film I mean) for a style page on lower cost items. This is filled with constant "ohmygod"s and "de-saster"s.
The highlight, and funniest moment is when assistant Brad, during make-up for Rachel's shoot, grabs a thin blonde wig and parts it over his head, with super-long bangs, emulating ever-crabby assistant TAYLOR. Everyone cracks up and they shoot the image and send it to Taylor over the phone.
Of course, Taylor takes offense, bails out on that night's party, claiming she is not "socially adept". Wow, just what you want in an assistant that you send to celebrity homes for styling, someone who is antisocial, or socially inept, as she put it.
At the party, several people ask Rachel and Brad where Taylor is. Later, the two discuss it, Rachel being surprised that people were asking for Taylor by her name, exclaiming, "they knew her name!".
Surprised, Rachel? Yep, we are too.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
MAUREEN DOWD COPIED ME!!!
Yesterday, Lovely Wife sent me a few links, as she usually does, for my reading pleasure. It's usually the latest controversy worth reading, something about the economy, a message from PETA to join a campaign concerning animal rights (please do consider this, friends).
Her link was to the commentary page of MAUREEN DOWD, the New York Times columnist and Pulitzer Prize winner. I enjoy her articles because they're usually funny in some sort of aspect, they're current, and as Lovely Wife put it, "because she usually agrees with me". It's nice to have someone on your team. Plus, she looks good, she could pass as Lovely Wife's (much) older sister.
Maureen's article, posted on September 13, 2009, had to do with the September 9 outburst of South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson, the "You lie!!" scandal.
CLICK HERE FOR "HER" STORY.
Dowd's article was of particular interest to me because I wrote a story concerning the same subject matter, and posted it on this blog, on September 10, 2009, hereby known as "the day after you lie!!".
CLICK HERE FOR MY STORY, THE ONE SHE COPIED FROM!!
I was pretty enthused to see that Dowd was writing on the same subject, but what "bloggist" or columnist didn't write about Wilson this week? It's no great coincidence.
As I read on, my jaw started to drop. There were striking similarities between both of our stories, and mine had been posted three days before hers. Dare I believe that Maureen Dowd lifted from, let alone read, my blog?
In this day and age of the internet, such an idea is not entirely out of line. If it's online, chances are, anyone can read it if posted with public access. And I did design the story and page with words and links that would rank it appropriately on "the Google" for anyone searching for those terms.
Plus the fact is that columnists have a large literal web of friends that Tweet and email and talk and forward all the time, it's how they keep on top of things. So, if she didn't find it herself it could have been forwarded. I have software installed on this site that tells me the general location of where hits are coming from, search terms used, etc., and people have been "tweeting" this blog around. They've come in on the search terms I've defined and I have had an excess amount of "visitors" from the northeast this week. And yes, around the D.C. area.
One thing I hate to mention, but supports my case, is that Maureen Dowd was involved in a plagiarism controversy, accused of "lifting" from someone else's blog. All forty-something words were an exact copy of this other man's posting, sans two words. Dowd said her post was the result of an online communication with a friend, not a copy. She did, however, later edit her post with a correction that references the individual and notes "lack of proper attribution" to the original piece.
Made me wonder, alright.
Now, onto a comparison of our stories, both sparked by Joe Wilson.
Brian's post: summarizes that a lot of South Carolina legislators have done some awfully stupid things in the past, much of that racially motivated, and how citizens should speak up and fight this.
Maureen's post: takes more of South Carolina's racial angle than I profiled and is more direct, pointing out Wilson as a probable racist.
Anyone writing a story, concerning the same general subject, is going to use similar sources like "the Google", information gathered through T.V., friends, OTHER PEOPLE'S BLOGS?? Okay, okay, not jumping to conclusions here, let's dissect some vocab from the two pieces (meaning the one I wrote and what she copied!).
Concerning Joe Wilson's act:
BRIAN
"a disrespect to the position of the presidency of the United States and an embarrassment to most of us, especially to certain citizens of South Carolina"
MAUREEN
"Wilson’s shocking disrespect for the office of the president"
Okay, a "disrespect for the office", not like I can copyright that, it is what it is..
BRIAN
"There's an old german proverb that says "Schweigen ist zustimmen", meaning "silence is approval". If you don't approve, please don't be silent."
MAUREEN (QUOTING REP. JIM CLYBURG)
"In South Carolina politics, I learned that the olive branch works very seldom," he said. "You have to come at these things from a position of strength. My father used to say, Son, always remember that silence gives consent."
WHAT?? It made my eyes jump out of my head, but apparently this is a quote from South Carolina Rep. JIM CLYBURN. Maybe he reads my blog? Well, it's a saying, and I can't much copyright that either. What are the chances that it showed up in similar stories? That's what I'm wondering...
BRIAN
"the state was a heavy sponsor of slavery, initiated secession from the Union, and was the first to fire on fellow americans during the Civil War."
MAUREEN
"The state that fired the first shot of the Civil War has now given us this"
Uh-huh, you can see why I'm questioning if this is a mere coincidence. Who references S.C., ever, by saying it's the first state to fire in the Civil War? Well, me, and Maureen Dowd of course, nobody else...
BRIAN
"There has been long ongoing debate and demonstration concerning the flying of the confederate flag over the state capitol. Finally, in 2000, it was removed"
MAUREEN
"led a 2000 campaign to keep the Confederate flag waving above South Carolina’s state Capitol"
Oh really, Maureen? You're switching it up by capitalizing the word "confederate"? Okay, maybe that's technically correct, couldn't bring myself to do it though... year 2000, eh?
BRIAN
"activist RUSTY DEPASS posted on his Facebook page that an escaped gorilla at a zoo was an "ancestor" of First Lady Michelle Obama."
MAUREEN
"Rusty DePass, a G.O.P. activist, said that a gorilla that escaped from a zoo was "just one of Michelle’s ancestors."
Hmmm... sure, it's a current, stupid, recent event from another S.C. idiot, worth referencing, and I did. She did too...
And then we both mention fumbling South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, of course, No S.C. story would be complete without that, so I accept that as part of the deal.
So, do I have a plagiarism case here? Are the similarities purely coincidental? Add it up:
*I posted my story almost three days before hers.
*Her story uses key elements of mine.
*I have a log showing visits to my blog from her area.
*She acknowledged copying from a blog before.
*We both write blogs.
*Neither of us like racists.
*Maureen has a similar hair color to my wife's.
*She is a U.S. citizen, as am I.
*We're for the banning of cell phone use while driving.
Okay, maybe I don't have a case here, maybe I do. Since it's someone I like, I'm not pursuing it. If she did lift from me or gain any concept from my story I would like to be credited. And I would also like to be taken out to dinner, and I want to bring my Lovely Wife.
So those are my demands, Maureen. That, and you can lift more from this blog and post it several days later... like we all know you did!
Her link was to the commentary page of MAUREEN DOWD, the New York Times columnist and Pulitzer Prize winner. I enjoy her articles because they're usually funny in some sort of aspect, they're current, and as Lovely Wife put it, "because she usually agrees with me". It's nice to have someone on your team. Plus, she looks good, she could pass as Lovely Wife's (much) older sister.
Maureen's article, posted on September 13, 2009, had to do with the September 9 outburst of South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson, the "You lie!!" scandal.
CLICK HERE FOR "HER" STORY.
Dowd's article was of particular interest to me because I wrote a story concerning the same subject matter, and posted it on this blog, on September 10, 2009, hereby known as "the day after you lie!!".
CLICK HERE FOR MY STORY, THE ONE SHE COPIED FROM!!
I was pretty enthused to see that Dowd was writing on the same subject, but what "bloggist" or columnist didn't write about Wilson this week? It's no great coincidence.
As I read on, my jaw started to drop. There were striking similarities between both of our stories, and mine had been posted three days before hers. Dare I believe that Maureen Dowd lifted from, let alone read, my blog?
In this day and age of the internet, such an idea is not entirely out of line. If it's online, chances are, anyone can read it if posted with public access. And I did design the story and page with words and links that would rank it appropriately on "the Google" for anyone searching for those terms.
Plus the fact is that columnists have a large literal web of friends that Tweet and email and talk and forward all the time, it's how they keep on top of things. So, if she didn't find it herself it could have been forwarded. I have software installed on this site that tells me the general location of where hits are coming from, search terms used, etc., and people have been "tweeting" this blog around. They've come in on the search terms I've defined and I have had an excess amount of "visitors" from the northeast this week. And yes, around the D.C. area.
One thing I hate to mention, but supports my case, is that Maureen Dowd was involved in a plagiarism controversy, accused of "lifting" from someone else's blog. All forty-something words were an exact copy of this other man's posting, sans two words. Dowd said her post was the result of an online communication with a friend, not a copy. She did, however, later edit her post with a correction that references the individual and notes "lack of proper attribution" to the original piece.
Made me wonder, alright.
Now, onto a comparison of our stories, both sparked by Joe Wilson.
Brian's post: summarizes that a lot of South Carolina legislators have done some awfully stupid things in the past, much of that racially motivated, and how citizens should speak up and fight this.
Maureen's post: takes more of South Carolina's racial angle than I profiled and is more direct, pointing out Wilson as a probable racist.
Anyone writing a story, concerning the same general subject, is going to use similar sources like "the Google", information gathered through T.V., friends, OTHER PEOPLE'S BLOGS?? Okay, okay, not jumping to conclusions here, let's dissect some vocab from the two pieces (meaning the one I wrote and what she copied!).
Concerning Joe Wilson's act:
BRIAN
"a disrespect to the position of the presidency of the United States and an embarrassment to most of us, especially to certain citizens of South Carolina"
MAUREEN
"Wilson’s shocking disrespect for the office of the president"
Okay, a "disrespect for the office", not like I can copyright that, it is what it is..
BRIAN
"There's an old german proverb that says "Schweigen ist zustimmen", meaning "silence is approval". If you don't approve, please don't be silent."
MAUREEN (QUOTING REP. JIM CLYBURG)
"In South Carolina politics, I learned that the olive branch works very seldom," he said. "You have to come at these things from a position of strength. My father used to say, Son, always remember that silence gives consent."
WHAT?? It made my eyes jump out of my head, but apparently this is a quote from South Carolina Rep. JIM CLYBURN. Maybe he reads my blog? Well, it's a saying, and I can't much copyright that either. What are the chances that it showed up in similar stories? That's what I'm wondering...
BRIAN
"the state was a heavy sponsor of slavery, initiated secession from the Union, and was the first to fire on fellow americans during the Civil War."
MAUREEN
"The state that fired the first shot of the Civil War has now given us this"
Uh-huh, you can see why I'm questioning if this is a mere coincidence. Who references S.C., ever, by saying it's the first state to fire in the Civil War? Well, me, and Maureen Dowd of course, nobody else...
BRIAN
"There has been long ongoing debate and demonstration concerning the flying of the confederate flag over the state capitol. Finally, in 2000, it was removed"
MAUREEN
"led a 2000 campaign to keep the Confederate flag waving above South Carolina’s state Capitol"
Oh really, Maureen? You're switching it up by capitalizing the word "confederate"? Okay, maybe that's technically correct, couldn't bring myself to do it though... year 2000, eh?
BRIAN
"activist RUSTY DEPASS posted on his Facebook page that an escaped gorilla at a zoo was an "ancestor" of First Lady Michelle Obama."
MAUREEN
"Rusty DePass, a G.O.P. activist, said that a gorilla that escaped from a zoo was "just one of Michelle’s ancestors."
Hmmm... sure, it's a current, stupid, recent event from another S.C. idiot, worth referencing, and I did. She did too...
And then we both mention fumbling South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, of course, No S.C. story would be complete without that, so I accept that as part of the deal.
So, do I have a plagiarism case here? Are the similarities purely coincidental? Add it up:
*I posted my story almost three days before hers.
*Her story uses key elements of mine.
*I have a log showing visits to my blog from her area.
*She acknowledged copying from a blog before.
*We both write blogs.
*Neither of us like racists.
*Maureen has a similar hair color to my wife's.
*She is a U.S. citizen, as am I.
*We're for the banning of cell phone use while driving.
Okay, maybe I don't have a case here, maybe I do. Since it's someone I like, I'm not pursuing it. If she did lift from me or gain any concept from my story I would like to be credited. And I would also like to be taken out to dinner, and I want to bring my Lovely Wife.
So those are my demands, Maureen. That, and you can lift more from this blog and post it several days later... like we all know you did!
Monday, September 14, 2009
SORE LOSER
INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
Brian pokes on the keys of his aged Dell laptop as two mockingbirds dogfight outside the screen. Swooping by, the birds battle in a controlled state of chaos.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Give peace a chance, birds!
(beat)
If you missed the MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS (VMA's), live from New York last night, perennial sore loser and Joe Wilson-esque KANYE WEST interrupted TAYLOR SWIFT, as she gave her acceptance speech, by grabbing the mic and informing us that Beyonce' had a great, implying "better", video.
How sad. Check out more of Kanye's loser history at DICKIPEDIA, amazing site.
That, according to news sources, was followed up by several celebrities, such as Katy Perry and Pink, "tweeting" live from the show with negative comments directed towards West.
How cool!
In other "poor sports" news, SERENA WILLIAMS was fined $500. for intentionally smashing her racquet to pieces in the early rounds of a U.S. open match against Kim Clijsters. The game was ended when Williams threatened a female asian line judge who cost her a point with a foot fault call. Williams walked to the judge, voicing her opinion, and stated "I will kill you" or "I will take this (f-ing) ball and shove it down your (f-ing) throat", whichever version you believe. For this she was punished with another point, ending the game, costing her the match, and was subsequentally fined $10,000. She released a statement but has never apologized.
Sore losers, nobody likes 'em, except other losers.
What was it with certain people this week? Is it the "end of summer" factor, where everyone swears they don't care how cold it gets, they just can't stand anymore heat (only to complain of freezing by November)?
Is it the economy, with everyone stressed that they might lose their job tomorrow, or not find one if they've already taken the loss?
Maybe it's the healthcare debate, T.E.A. parties, and the fact that "Cash for Clunkers" is no longer doling out free funds to the entitled auto industry?
Nope.
This was just another week where sore losers stole someone else's thunder, dulled their shine, or as I heard Ne-Ne from "REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA" say last night, "gave her some shade", meaning shading someone out of their limelight.
Losing sucks alright, but it's no reason to take the winners down with you. Everyone will be a loser at one time or another, face it, we're born to lose, it's how we learn lessons.
I can't help but to think of that 1990's phenomenon of child sports: the double winner, where both the winning and losing participants were awarded trophies. One of my relatives was enraged that her son, on a losing soccer team, was awarded a trophy. Losing builds character, it should make someone even more competitive and determined, if not that, then it at least should give them the idea that maybe they should quit, maybe they're just not cut out for the task.
One might wonder what the subject of losing has to do with a blog about a screenwriter. Everything. This profession is full of losers, literally, it's part of the game and you should know that when you enter the ring. You're going to lose almost any competition you enter, if you do, by chance, get produced, you'll lose a lot of battles with executives and actors who take free reign to change your script. You'll lose your mind over insane requests on rewrites and the like. To be good at screenwriting you have to be an exceptionally good loser.
The astounding thing is that most screenwriters, or the ones attempting to be, suck at losing, really bad, pathetically. Several of them have blogs that seem to be designed around losing, most of their posts laced with "Debbie Downer-isms" about not getting a read, return call, competition win, or how much they hate DIABLO CODY for making this job look easy.
The amount of losers that these down-trodden scribes attract is amazing, misery seems to love company.
EXT. TRAIN STATION - DAY
A steaming locomotive puffs up to the station, lines HISS as the mass of pot metal grinds to a hault. A crowd of crabby scribes jockey for position, near a passenger car door, as it swings open with a SCREECH.
CONDUCTOR
(gleeful)
Next stop" the Land of Sore Losers!!
CUT TO:
INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
Brian shakes his head, thinking about the pathetic, sore losers.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Losing is an art form that we should all strive to be good at. Anyone can be a gracious winner, that's what winning is about: looking good, making it look easy, being the pro. But losing, that draws the line between amateurs and professionals, the decent and indecent, the good spirited or sore loser. When you watch someone lose their real character is revealed.
That's the difference in this blog, it's loser rehab. So if you find yourself swimming with sharks and you need some inspirational motivation to get off of that cloud, come here, and post something, but don't be such a loser, or at least a sore one.
CUT TO:
EXT. TRAIN STATION - DAY
A sleek, modern german ICE train glides into the station, electronic doors whirring open in sync.
CONDUCTOR
(gleeful)
Next stop, The Winners.. ALL ABOARD!!
FADE OUT
Brian pokes on the keys of his aged Dell laptop as two mockingbirds dogfight outside the screen. Swooping by, the birds battle in a controlled state of chaos.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Give peace a chance, birds!
(beat)
If you missed the MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS (VMA's), live from New York last night, perennial sore loser and Joe Wilson-esque KANYE WEST interrupted TAYLOR SWIFT, as she gave her acceptance speech, by grabbing the mic and informing us that Beyonce' had a great, implying "better", video.
How sad. Check out more of Kanye's loser history at DICKIPEDIA, amazing site.
That, according to news sources, was followed up by several celebrities, such as Katy Perry and Pink, "tweeting" live from the show with negative comments directed towards West.
How cool!
In other "poor sports" news, SERENA WILLIAMS was fined $500. for intentionally smashing her racquet to pieces in the early rounds of a U.S. open match against Kim Clijsters. The game was ended when Williams threatened a female asian line judge who cost her a point with a foot fault call. Williams walked to the judge, voicing her opinion, and stated "I will kill you" or "I will take this (f-ing) ball and shove it down your (f-ing) throat", whichever version you believe. For this she was punished with another point, ending the game, costing her the match, and was subsequentally fined $10,000. She released a statement but has never apologized.
Sore losers, nobody likes 'em, except other losers.
What was it with certain people this week? Is it the "end of summer" factor, where everyone swears they don't care how cold it gets, they just can't stand anymore heat (only to complain of freezing by November)?
Is it the economy, with everyone stressed that they might lose their job tomorrow, or not find one if they've already taken the loss?
Maybe it's the healthcare debate, T.E.A. parties, and the fact that "Cash for Clunkers" is no longer doling out free funds to the entitled auto industry?
Nope.
This was just another week where sore losers stole someone else's thunder, dulled their shine, or as I heard Ne-Ne from "REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA" say last night, "gave her some shade", meaning shading someone out of their limelight.
Losing sucks alright, but it's no reason to take the winners down with you. Everyone will be a loser at one time or another, face it, we're born to lose, it's how we learn lessons.
I can't help but to think of that 1990's phenomenon of child sports: the double winner, where both the winning and losing participants were awarded trophies. One of my relatives was enraged that her son, on a losing soccer team, was awarded a trophy. Losing builds character, it should make someone even more competitive and determined, if not that, then it at least should give them the idea that maybe they should quit, maybe they're just not cut out for the task.
One might wonder what the subject of losing has to do with a blog about a screenwriter. Everything. This profession is full of losers, literally, it's part of the game and you should know that when you enter the ring. You're going to lose almost any competition you enter, if you do, by chance, get produced, you'll lose a lot of battles with executives and actors who take free reign to change your script. You'll lose your mind over insane requests on rewrites and the like. To be good at screenwriting you have to be an exceptionally good loser.
The astounding thing is that most screenwriters, or the ones attempting to be, suck at losing, really bad, pathetically. Several of them have blogs that seem to be designed around losing, most of their posts laced with "Debbie Downer-isms" about not getting a read, return call, competition win, or how much they hate DIABLO CODY for making this job look easy.
The amount of losers that these down-trodden scribes attract is amazing, misery seems to love company.
EXT. TRAIN STATION - DAY
A steaming locomotive puffs up to the station, lines HISS as the mass of pot metal grinds to a hault. A crowd of crabby scribes jockey for position, near a passenger car door, as it swings open with a SCREECH.
CONDUCTOR
(gleeful)
Next stop" the Land of Sore Losers!!
CUT TO:
INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
Brian shakes his head, thinking about the pathetic, sore losers.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Losing is an art form that we should all strive to be good at. Anyone can be a gracious winner, that's what winning is about: looking good, making it look easy, being the pro. But losing, that draws the line between amateurs and professionals, the decent and indecent, the good spirited or sore loser. When you watch someone lose their real character is revealed.
That's the difference in this blog, it's loser rehab. So if you find yourself swimming with sharks and you need some inspirational motivation to get off of that cloud, come here, and post something, but don't be such a loser, or at least a sore one.
CUT TO:
EXT. TRAIN STATION - DAY
A sleek, modern german ICE train glides into the station, electronic doors whirring open in sync.
CONDUCTOR
(gleeful)
Next stop, The Winners.. ALL ABOARD!!
FADE OUT
Sunday, September 13, 2009
WRITER'S CRAMP
INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
Nothing stirs, not even a Maus.. because Brian is in Atlanta! By the time you read this, he will be back, but right now he and Lovely Wife are soaking in the big urban paradise known as the "ATL".
BRIAN (V.O.)
Ahh, civilization, at last, how refreshing. Living in these small towns, people sound like each other, even start looking like one another. Scary stuff!
(beat)
So, let's take this Sunday to kick back and look upon my newfound career of screenwriting. This is my fortieth consecutive daily blog post, so we're over a month in. With that I have proven my will and stamina, my discipline. The mentors say this counts big in the industry, the profession deals with discipline and deadlines: a pitch, draft, rewrite, polish.. all perfectly formatted, spell checked, and bound. Dot the i's, cross the t's.
I haven't been lacking for content, that's a good thing. Not once have I illed under the famed "writer's block", a condition I'm sick of reading about on screenwriting blogs. What ISN'T there to write about? I've got writer's cramp, not block! Maybe it's because I've got forty-three years of this packed tightly into me, dying to get out? Whatever the case, it's not a problem, and won't be, unless something happens to my ten digits, all highly insured appendages of the decorative artist himself, if I may add.
Script-wise, it's been sweet, I "killed it", as Rachel Zoe would say. I'm almost three fourths done with my script, and those parts have been rewritten and polished several times. And I have yet to paste in all of my spontaneously scripted scenes from Wordpad. The goal is to have the script written by the end of the month, and I see no problem with that. Sixty days, from when I didn't even know the difference between O.S. (offscreen) and V.O. (voiceover), to a properly formatted and polished script. Not bad, eh?
And mind you, I was, and still am, learning in my fake, online scriptwriting school the whole time, having to sift through tons of columns on the craft, written by my Hollywood mentors.
Oh, and being a full-time "bloggist", which sounds cooler to me than being a simple "blogger". You'll know the difference between the two when you hit a blog: one type is a sort of living diary, full of the "f-word", a load of incomprehensible B.S., or just chock-full of "Google Ads". The "bloggist" type, a term which I just invented, is a spin on a columnist who writes a blog, there is actual CONTENT, imagine that. Or, at least it's pretty funny, and I just love blogs that contain actual humor.
To be modest, there's a lot of things I have yet to learn: how and why so many different screenwriters decide to capitalize different words or characters, or not. Downloading scripts has been a blast, by the way. I've picked up on a few style tips but am sure not to emulate anything too much in my own work. "SIDEWAYS", that's a funny script, and a great movie, check out the link.
So far, the script is testing out good. I had the full picture in my head in a short amount of time, writing out scenes in whatever order they magically appeared. In piecing that together it was apparent that my characters had grown, an awful lot, as well as my knowledge as to what techniques I should be employing in the script. It made for some effective rewriting and a more intriguing storyline. It's unorthodox, no doubt, but it kept the writing fresh, bouncing around to scenes.
And now, fresh out of a visit to Atlanta, seeing some diverse culture thrive, I'm bound to give my characters more life and interest than "business as usual in Mayberry". Stay tuned, folks!
Nothing stirs, not even a Maus.. because Brian is in Atlanta! By the time you read this, he will be back, but right now he and Lovely Wife are soaking in the big urban paradise known as the "ATL".
BRIAN (V.O.)
Ahh, civilization, at last, how refreshing. Living in these small towns, people sound like each other, even start looking like one another. Scary stuff!
(beat)
So, let's take this Sunday to kick back and look upon my newfound career of screenwriting. This is my fortieth consecutive daily blog post, so we're over a month in. With that I have proven my will and stamina, my discipline. The mentors say this counts big in the industry, the profession deals with discipline and deadlines: a pitch, draft, rewrite, polish.. all perfectly formatted, spell checked, and bound. Dot the i's, cross the t's.
I haven't been lacking for content, that's a good thing. Not once have I illed under the famed "writer's block", a condition I'm sick of reading about on screenwriting blogs. What ISN'T there to write about? I've got writer's cramp, not block! Maybe it's because I've got forty-three years of this packed tightly into me, dying to get out? Whatever the case, it's not a problem, and won't be, unless something happens to my ten digits, all highly insured appendages of the decorative artist himself, if I may add.
Script-wise, it's been sweet, I "killed it", as Rachel Zoe would say. I'm almost three fourths done with my script, and those parts have been rewritten and polished several times. And I have yet to paste in all of my spontaneously scripted scenes from Wordpad. The goal is to have the script written by the end of the month, and I see no problem with that. Sixty days, from when I didn't even know the difference between O.S. (offscreen) and V.O. (voiceover), to a properly formatted and polished script. Not bad, eh?
And mind you, I was, and still am, learning in my fake, online scriptwriting school the whole time, having to sift through tons of columns on the craft, written by my Hollywood mentors.
Oh, and being a full-time "bloggist", which sounds cooler to me than being a simple "blogger". You'll know the difference between the two when you hit a blog: one type is a sort of living diary, full of the "f-word", a load of incomprehensible B.S., or just chock-full of "Google Ads". The "bloggist" type, a term which I just invented, is a spin on a columnist who writes a blog, there is actual CONTENT, imagine that. Or, at least it's pretty funny, and I just love blogs that contain actual humor.
To be modest, there's a lot of things I have yet to learn: how and why so many different screenwriters decide to capitalize different words or characters, or not. Downloading scripts has been a blast, by the way. I've picked up on a few style tips but am sure not to emulate anything too much in my own work. "SIDEWAYS", that's a funny script, and a great movie, check out the link.
So far, the script is testing out good. I had the full picture in my head in a short amount of time, writing out scenes in whatever order they magically appeared. In piecing that together it was apparent that my characters had grown, an awful lot, as well as my knowledge as to what techniques I should be employing in the script. It made for some effective rewriting and a more intriguing storyline. It's unorthodox, no doubt, but it kept the writing fresh, bouncing around to scenes.
And now, fresh out of a visit to Atlanta, seeing some diverse culture thrive, I'm bound to give my characters more life and interest than "business as usual in Mayberry". Stay tuned, folks!
Saturday, September 12, 2009
THE NAME GAME, PT. II
INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
Maus, Cat #2, sits on the wicker furniture, eyeing a bird at the tubular feeder. If not for the screen, in between, she'd be looking at breakfast.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, "Zillary Twill", the interior designer, had called and left a message on that freezing, midwestern, December day, 1996. Haven't even "googled" her yet.
Brian pulls up "the Google", punching in "Zillary Twill". His own blog posting comes up at the top of the list.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Top ranking, geez, that was easy!
(beat)
Back to the name game, and Zillary: well, it's not such a good idea to leave a message to a painter saying you need immediate assistance, right around Christmas, when St. Louis is a frozen tundra, and most any normal service business, besides a heating and cooling company, won't dare leave the house. Unless they're going on a beer run, that is.
And then in her tone, topping it off by saying, very loud and clearly, that her name was Zillary Twill. That had "complicated" written all over it! I could just picture it: me, with the ladder, juggling a few buckets of paint, precariously skating on the ice-laden sidewalk, followed by Zillary Twill, the pretentious interior designer, barking out orders.
In fact, it sounded more like a pen name for a writer, reminded me of "quill", the feathered pen. Now if it had been Jane Austen, Charles Dickens.. an Edgar Allen Poe, I might've risked bolting out in the van just to get a glimpse of this phenomenon. But Zillary Twill? Nah. I think I reacted by cracking open a Budweiser for another round of "Sim City" on my newly purchased, 1996 Packard Bell computer. Haven't heard of her since.
I recently started using a pen name. The decision to do so was multi-faceted: it's anonymity and security; shorter, and maybe more memorable to pronounce, than my tax-paying name; and it's my own sort of indoctrination into the screenwriting industry.
BRIAN
(out loud)
Brian Burke
BRIAN (V.O.)
Yep, short, simple, no bells or whistles. It uses my real first name, and three letters from my true surname. People like the "k" sound, it's been proven: Coca Cola, Spanxxx, Ronco, SHANE BLACK, the screenwriter who holds the record sale for a spec script, individually. DUSTIN LANCE BLACK, who won best original screenplay for "MILK".. see, there's that "k" sound again. We love it.
"Brian Black" just didn't sound real, too copycat-ish, like Bing's commercials, where Rachel Zoe gets on the laptop and says, "let's Bing it". Nope, Bing, we like saying "Google", it's funny like "noodle", funnier than "Yahoo", who ended up teaming with Microsoft to "Bing" it. "Forget" it, which would be better name for a search engine than "Bing". Did you "Forget it"? Get it?
Yep, so I've got my new pen name, and I'm not afraid to use it. Oops, forgot to "Google" it first, big mistake.
Okay, apparently there's a Brian Burke out there, an outspoken hockey president, former player. That's fine, just wanted to be sure he's not a mass-murderer or what. Those hockey guys though, some tough nuts, wow.
Okay, wish me luck with the pen name, more luck than Zillary Twill had on that cold December day!
Maus, Cat #2, sits on the wicker furniture, eyeing a bird at the tubular feeder. If not for the screen, in between, she'd be looking at breakfast.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, "Zillary Twill", the interior designer, had called and left a message on that freezing, midwestern, December day, 1996. Haven't even "googled" her yet.
Brian pulls up "the Google", punching in "Zillary Twill". His own blog posting comes up at the top of the list.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Top ranking, geez, that was easy!
(beat)
Back to the name game, and Zillary: well, it's not such a good idea to leave a message to a painter saying you need immediate assistance, right around Christmas, when St. Louis is a frozen tundra, and most any normal service business, besides a heating and cooling company, won't dare leave the house. Unless they're going on a beer run, that is.
And then in her tone, topping it off by saying, very loud and clearly, that her name was Zillary Twill. That had "complicated" written all over it! I could just picture it: me, with the ladder, juggling a few buckets of paint, precariously skating on the ice-laden sidewalk, followed by Zillary Twill, the pretentious interior designer, barking out orders.
In fact, it sounded more like a pen name for a writer, reminded me of "quill", the feathered pen. Now if it had been Jane Austen, Charles Dickens.. an Edgar Allen Poe, I might've risked bolting out in the van just to get a glimpse of this phenomenon. But Zillary Twill? Nah. I think I reacted by cracking open a Budweiser for another round of "Sim City" on my newly purchased, 1996 Packard Bell computer. Haven't heard of her since.
I recently started using a pen name. The decision to do so was multi-faceted: it's anonymity and security; shorter, and maybe more memorable to pronounce, than my tax-paying name; and it's my own sort of indoctrination into the screenwriting industry.
BRIAN
(out loud)
Brian Burke
BRIAN (V.O.)
Yep, short, simple, no bells or whistles. It uses my real first name, and three letters from my true surname. People like the "k" sound, it's been proven: Coca Cola, Spanxxx, Ronco, SHANE BLACK, the screenwriter who holds the record sale for a spec script, individually. DUSTIN LANCE BLACK, who won best original screenplay for "MILK".. see, there's that "k" sound again. We love it.
"Brian Black" just didn't sound real, too copycat-ish, like Bing's commercials, where Rachel Zoe gets on the laptop and says, "let's Bing it". Nope, Bing, we like saying "Google", it's funny like "noodle", funnier than "Yahoo", who ended up teaming with Microsoft to "Bing" it. "Forget" it, which would be better name for a search engine than "Bing". Did you "Forget it"? Get it?
Yep, so I've got my new pen name, and I'm not afraid to use it. Oops, forgot to "Google" it first, big mistake.
Okay, apparently there's a Brian Burke out there, an outspoken hockey president, former player. That's fine, just wanted to be sure he's not a mass-murderer or what. Those hockey guys though, some tough nuts, wow.
Okay, wish me luck with the pen name, more luck than Zillary Twill had on that cold December day!
Friday, September 11, 2009
THE NAME GAME
INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
Caesar the dog surveys the freshly mowed crabgrass. What a powerful name, Caesar.
BRIAN (V.O.)
What's in a name? Not much is always my answer, meaning that unless there's a lot of content and character behind that name, it's not worth anything, no matter how "cool" it sounds.
Most people starting a small business, for their first time, get totally obsessed with the process of naming it. The government helps them in this matter, supplying citizens with the right to file a "Ficticious Business Name Statement". And that's what it is, ficticious, meaning "fake" - what Uncle Sam is trying to say is that no matter how long you spend figuring out this new name, how much time you waste, it's going to be registered on a government document with a header stating it's "fake".
Take it at fake.. er, I mean, face value. Buyer beware. Caveat emptor, that's what half of your customers will be thinking, knowing there's not much in a name. The other half will be saying, "wow, that's a cool name", so do spend a little more time than what it takes to brand it "ABC Plumbing" or what.
I've helped thousands of students start their own small business in the decorative arts, and I'm continually amazed at their name-game addiction. Usually the ones that need the most training, we're talking "day one" rookie status here, a sharp hue of green, those are the ones that arrive with a few pages full of names they have invented. Goes something like this:
INT. CLASSROOM - MORNING
Brian stands at the door greeting each student as they arrive for the first day of "art and business" class. A student, an obviously experienced painter, with splashed whites, saunters in.
BRIAN
(cheery)
Good morning, you must be..
PAINTER
(polite)
Mike.. say, we're covering pricing in this, right?
BRIAN
Of course!
Just then a student with perfect nails, heels, and a triple-dyed coiffure clicks up to the doorway.
BRIAN
(still cheery)
Hello, I'm Bri..
She thrusts a stack of papers in his face.
STUDENT
(bold)
Here, pick a name for my business.
BRIAN
(stunned)
Wha..
STUDENT
(still as bold)
I've been working on it for three months, pick a name!
BRIAN
Well, er uh, that's something we cover in the last five minutes of class, on the last day.
STUDENT
Good, then you'll have time to think about which one of these I should use.
BRIAN
SIGH...
BRIAN (V.O.)
One of the most memorable names was from a petite girl, maybe five feet high, an outgoing little bug who had good art skills and a sharp business sense. She named her small entity "PANGEA". Yep, that big, single mass of earth from a bazillion years ago, before it slowly shifted into the six continents we all know today. Tiny, let's call her "Sue", her business would be dubbed "PANGEA", comparable in size and sound to maybe, let's say, the moon, a supernova, black hole.. something like that.
Powerful name alright, but not very representative of a delicate person who comes and paints a mural on your wall.
Size matters, in names at least: use the name of a state or city in the business name and it will appear larger. "Johnson's Decorative Painting" sounds like a family business, maybe the dad runs it, the 2nd generation sons scrambling up and down ladders. It's good, not too big, nor small.
"Pennsylvania Decorative Painting", now that sounds like they must have one-hundred artists, scattered about the state in teams, decorating churches and massive commercial buildings. Not the kind of image that one, single, overly tasked, "new to the business" individual should want to promote.
In film, say a production company, you might want to seem big, even if you write, direct, act, edit, and dub the whole thing on your aged, one-gig laptop. Names like Paramount, Universal, Dreamworks.. I'm sure there is a Pangea in there somewhere; such names evoke power, a massive entity, who wouldn't want to get their film produced under those banners?
But the bottom line is to know what you're doing, be technically proficient, have character, be punctual, stop using the "f-word" so much, if that's your habit. Be a professional in whatever you do, always.
Then think of a name for your business, your brand, the moniker, pen name, whatever best represents the whole package.
I once got a call from an interior designer, "Zillary Twill"..
FADE OUT
TUNE IN FOR PART TWO, TOMORROW!
Caesar the dog surveys the freshly mowed crabgrass. What a powerful name, Caesar.
BRIAN (V.O.)
What's in a name? Not much is always my answer, meaning that unless there's a lot of content and character behind that name, it's not worth anything, no matter how "cool" it sounds.
Most people starting a small business, for their first time, get totally obsessed with the process of naming it. The government helps them in this matter, supplying citizens with the right to file a "Ficticious Business Name Statement". And that's what it is, ficticious, meaning "fake" - what Uncle Sam is trying to say is that no matter how long you spend figuring out this new name, how much time you waste, it's going to be registered on a government document with a header stating it's "fake".
Take it at fake.. er, I mean, face value. Buyer beware. Caveat emptor, that's what half of your customers will be thinking, knowing there's not much in a name. The other half will be saying, "wow, that's a cool name", so do spend a little more time than what it takes to brand it "ABC Plumbing" or what.
I've helped thousands of students start their own small business in the decorative arts, and I'm continually amazed at their name-game addiction. Usually the ones that need the most training, we're talking "day one" rookie status here, a sharp hue of green, those are the ones that arrive with a few pages full of names they have invented. Goes something like this:
INT. CLASSROOM - MORNING
Brian stands at the door greeting each student as they arrive for the first day of "art and business" class. A student, an obviously experienced painter, with splashed whites, saunters in.
BRIAN
(cheery)
Good morning, you must be..
PAINTER
(polite)
Mike.. say, we're covering pricing in this, right?
BRIAN
Of course!
Just then a student with perfect nails, heels, and a triple-dyed coiffure clicks up to the doorway.
BRIAN
(still cheery)
Hello, I'm Bri..
She thrusts a stack of papers in his face.
STUDENT
(bold)
Here, pick a name for my business.
BRIAN
(stunned)
Wha..
STUDENT
(still as bold)
I've been working on it for three months, pick a name!
BRIAN
Well, er uh, that's something we cover in the last five minutes of class, on the last day.
STUDENT
Good, then you'll have time to think about which one of these I should use.
BRIAN
SIGH...
BRIAN (V.O.)
One of the most memorable names was from a petite girl, maybe five feet high, an outgoing little bug who had good art skills and a sharp business sense. She named her small entity "PANGEA". Yep, that big, single mass of earth from a bazillion years ago, before it slowly shifted into the six continents we all know today. Tiny, let's call her "Sue", her business would be dubbed "PANGEA", comparable in size and sound to maybe, let's say, the moon, a supernova, black hole.. something like that.
Powerful name alright, but not very representative of a delicate person who comes and paints a mural on your wall.
Size matters, in names at least: use the name of a state or city in the business name and it will appear larger. "Johnson's Decorative Painting" sounds like a family business, maybe the dad runs it, the 2nd generation sons scrambling up and down ladders. It's good, not too big, nor small.
"Pennsylvania Decorative Painting", now that sounds like they must have one-hundred artists, scattered about the state in teams, decorating churches and massive commercial buildings. Not the kind of image that one, single, overly tasked, "new to the business" individual should want to promote.
In film, say a production company, you might want to seem big, even if you write, direct, act, edit, and dub the whole thing on your aged, one-gig laptop. Names like Paramount, Universal, Dreamworks.. I'm sure there is a Pangea in there somewhere; such names evoke power, a massive entity, who wouldn't want to get their film produced under those banners?
But the bottom line is to know what you're doing, be technically proficient, have character, be punctual, stop using the "f-word" so much, if that's your habit. Be a professional in whatever you do, always.
Then think of a name for your business, your brand, the moniker, pen name, whatever best represents the whole package.
I once got a call from an interior designer, "Zillary Twill"..
FADE OUT
TUNE IN FOR PART TWO, TOMORROW!
Thursday, September 10, 2009
SWING LOW, SOUTH CAROLINA
Dear Guests,
Please excuse me as I stray away from the subject of screenwriting and film, just for this one post. Part of my "job" is as a columnist in South Carolina, and I feel the need to address a few things. Thanks!
Unless you live in a world void of news, you are quite aware that South Carolina REPRESENTATIVE JOE WILSON interrupted President Obama's speech on the healthcare initiative, by yelling out "You lie!", in reference to Obama explaining that illegal immigrants would not be covered in the plan.
CLICK HERE for the video.
It was a deplorable act, played out in front of millions of viewers; a disrespect to the position of the presidency of the United States and an embarrassment to most of us, especially to certain citizens of South Carolina, such as myself.
This just adds salt to our wounds, considering the ongoing saga of South Carolina's GOVERNOR MARK SANFORD, who, in a series of events, committed adultery, lied about his whereabouts, left our government watch unattended, and is currently under investigation for misuse of state funds and travel privileges.
The fact that both of these individuals are members of the G.O.P. has nothing to do with the level of embarrassment they have brought upon the state; their acts were inhumane, regardless of party.
South Carolina bears a colorful history of shameful associations: the state was a heavy sponsor of slavery, initiated secession from the Union, and was the first to fire on fellow americans during the Civil War.
The state capitol, Columbia, was burned to the ground during General Sherman's March, and to this day has never fully recovered. The town gained recent attention when resident and G.O.P. activist RUSTY DEPASS posted on his Facebook page that an escaped gorilla at a zoo was an "ancestor" of First Lady Michelle Obama.
There has been long ongoing debate and demonstration concerning the flying of the confederate flag over the state capitol. Finally, in 2000, it was removed, but not without dispicable commentary from former SENATOR ARTHUR RAVENEL JR., who referred to the N.A.A.C.P. as "the National Association of Retarded People". He then, inappropriately, apologized only "to retarded people for associating them with the N.A.A.C.P." Ravenel once said that his fellow white congressional committee members operated on "black time", which he characterized as meaning "fashionably late". The cable bridge in Charleston is still named in his honor.
And who can forget former South Carolina governor and senator STROM THURMOND, who conducted the longest filibuster ever by a U.S. Senator, in opposition to the Civil Rights Act of 1957, at 24 hours and 18 minutes in length, nonstop.
I'm a transplant who moved here over one year ago with my wife. Up until then I had spent fourteen years in St. Louis, Missouri, and prior to that I lived in Germany for eight years. I have tread the land where the Third Reich ruled, I've stood where the slave Dred Scott fought for his right to be a free man, in the Old Courthouse of St. Louis, and now I sit a mere two hours from the capitol where some of our supposed "representatives" convene, under a dome that flew the "southern cross" for over a century.
If you've never been to South Carolina you would be pleasantly surprised that it's not any more controversial or racist than any other state. Black and white, along with our ever growing hispanic population, mingle freely. Of all the service people I have dealt with, in my trials of renovating a house, I have never once heard a racial slur. That was not the case in Missouri, at all.
Poverty and unemployment are horrible here, just like anywhere else in the United States right now. Domestic abuse is unfortunately high on the list. Crime is like anywhere else: watch your back, lock your doors. Education could use improvement, again, that's across the board in America.
A neighbor and friend, let's call him Jim, is a native South Carolinian. He speaks with a twang, which he readily jokes about. Long-haired and lanky, we always exchange waves as he passes on his daily walk with two hound dogs.
He is a high school educator in the impoverished town about thirty minutes from here. John is white, all his students are African American. He reads the New York Times everyday. He spent many weekends volunteering his time at a state school where his son attended.
There are a lot of South Carolinians like John, like you and me, and we often band together in voice or print, fighting the good fight. Rest assured, for every legislator from South Carolina who chooses to disgrace us, there are at least ten of us fighting against them.
You can support our cause by standing up for what is right, no matter what state you live in. Contact your representatives, it's easy in this internet era. Let them know what you think is inappropriate, tell them how you would like things changed, give the do-gooders a vote of support.
There's an old german proverb that says "Schweigen ist zustimmen", meaning "silence is approval". If you don't approve, please don't be silent. Thank you.
Comments more than welcome.
Please excuse me as I stray away from the subject of screenwriting and film, just for this one post. Part of my "job" is as a columnist in South Carolina, and I feel the need to address a few things. Thanks!
Unless you live in a world void of news, you are quite aware that South Carolina REPRESENTATIVE JOE WILSON interrupted President Obama's speech on the healthcare initiative, by yelling out "You lie!", in reference to Obama explaining that illegal immigrants would not be covered in the plan.
CLICK HERE for the video.
It was a deplorable act, played out in front of millions of viewers; a disrespect to the position of the presidency of the United States and an embarrassment to most of us, especially to certain citizens of South Carolina, such as myself.
This just adds salt to our wounds, considering the ongoing saga of South Carolina's GOVERNOR MARK SANFORD, who, in a series of events, committed adultery, lied about his whereabouts, left our government watch unattended, and is currently under investigation for misuse of state funds and travel privileges.
The fact that both of these individuals are members of the G.O.P. has nothing to do with the level of embarrassment they have brought upon the state; their acts were inhumane, regardless of party.
South Carolina bears a colorful history of shameful associations: the state was a heavy sponsor of slavery, initiated secession from the Union, and was the first to fire on fellow americans during the Civil War.
The state capitol, Columbia, was burned to the ground during General Sherman's March, and to this day has never fully recovered. The town gained recent attention when resident and G.O.P. activist RUSTY DEPASS posted on his Facebook page that an escaped gorilla at a zoo was an "ancestor" of First Lady Michelle Obama.
There has been long ongoing debate and demonstration concerning the flying of the confederate flag over the state capitol. Finally, in 2000, it was removed, but not without dispicable commentary from former SENATOR ARTHUR RAVENEL JR., who referred to the N.A.A.C.P. as "the National Association of Retarded People". He then, inappropriately, apologized only "to retarded people for associating them with the N.A.A.C.P." Ravenel once said that his fellow white congressional committee members operated on "black time", which he characterized as meaning "fashionably late". The cable bridge in Charleston is still named in his honor.
And who can forget former South Carolina governor and senator STROM THURMOND, who conducted the longest filibuster ever by a U.S. Senator, in opposition to the Civil Rights Act of 1957, at 24 hours and 18 minutes in length, nonstop.
I'm a transplant who moved here over one year ago with my wife. Up until then I had spent fourteen years in St. Louis, Missouri, and prior to that I lived in Germany for eight years. I have tread the land where the Third Reich ruled, I've stood where the slave Dred Scott fought for his right to be a free man, in the Old Courthouse of St. Louis, and now I sit a mere two hours from the capitol where some of our supposed "representatives" convene, under a dome that flew the "southern cross" for over a century.
If you've never been to South Carolina you would be pleasantly surprised that it's not any more controversial or racist than any other state. Black and white, along with our ever growing hispanic population, mingle freely. Of all the service people I have dealt with, in my trials of renovating a house, I have never once heard a racial slur. That was not the case in Missouri, at all.
Poverty and unemployment are horrible here, just like anywhere else in the United States right now. Domestic abuse is unfortunately high on the list. Crime is like anywhere else: watch your back, lock your doors. Education could use improvement, again, that's across the board in America.
A neighbor and friend, let's call him Jim, is a native South Carolinian. He speaks with a twang, which he readily jokes about. Long-haired and lanky, we always exchange waves as he passes on his daily walk with two hound dogs.
He is a high school educator in the impoverished town about thirty minutes from here. John is white, all his students are African American. He reads the New York Times everyday. He spent many weekends volunteering his time at a state school where his son attended.
There are a lot of South Carolinians like John, like you and me, and we often band together in voice or print, fighting the good fight. Rest assured, for every legislator from South Carolina who chooses to disgrace us, there are at least ten of us fighting against them.
You can support our cause by standing up for what is right, no matter what state you live in. Contact your representatives, it's easy in this internet era. Let them know what you think is inappropriate, tell them how you would like things changed, give the do-gooders a vote of support.
There's an old german proverb that says "Schweigen ist zustimmen", meaning "silence is approval". If you don't approve, please don't be silent. Thank you.
Comments more than welcome.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
ACOUSTICAL SCRIPT
INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
It's an unseasonably cool South Carolina September morning, the earth soaked from last night's storm. Caesar the dog SNIFFS into the breeze, as if the moisture has unleashed a whole new plethora of scents. STEVIE NICKS coos through the Sirus "Acoustic Cafe" channel, her own version of "Crash Into Me" blowing away Dave Mathews.
BRIAN (V.O.)
(D.J.'s voice)
Hey ya'll, the B-man coming to you live from the screened-in porch of the acoustic cafe'.
(beat)
(back to normal voice)
I've discovered a new writing tool, namely this music channel. I'm sure you have a version on your own satellite or cable. Just surf down into the quadruple digits until you hear an outrageous version of a song, that is normally not done acoustically, being done acoustic, by the original artist at that.
Hear that?
ACOUSTIC MUSIC BEGINS OVER:
EXT. PARK CONCERT - DAY
We see CHRISSIE HYNDE and her band, cheery acoustic chords lead us into an unfamiliar tune. Sounds like a version of "Only Wanna Be With You". Where's Hootie?
CHRISSIE HYNDE
(soothing)
Got brass, in pocket..
HARDCORE FAN
(pissed)
What the f..
NEWBIE FAN
(excited)
Don'tcha just love that? So airy, so sweet..
CHRISSIE HYNDE
Gonna use my arms, gonna use my legs..
CUT TO:
INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
BRIAN (V.O.)
Some of these remakes are cool, many are "interesting", but most are downright sad. And that's my discovery of this thing as a screenwriting tool: instant sadness!
You know that scene you've been working on, the one you hate working on, but have to? Where he says goodbye to her, or someone flatlines, or a president gives a moving educational speech that should bring everyone to tears?
Yes, THAT scene.
Well, screenwriting friend, I've got a remedy for you: turn up the acoustic cafe', get that vision of the protaganist with teary eyes, and you'll be flowing, literally. Yes, words will flow, and you'll be bawling your eyes out!
It doesn't matter which singer is crooning their unwanted version of acoustic crap, the one that the record company made them do since the material "was there", so "why not do it acoustic?", it all works as a tool.
Arlen Roth (who is that?), doing acoustic instrumental of Clapton's "Layla"? We'll take it! Freedy Johnston doing "Bad Reputation", the sad nineties radio hit? Well, it's even sadder in our acoustic cafe': "suddenly I'm on the street, seven years disappear below my feet.. do you want me now, do you want me now?". That's your protaganist talking, folks, get into it.. or him, or her.
You'll stay tuned in just to see what's next: is Metallica going to do a soft, heart-moving rendition of "Enter Sandman"? How many acoustic versions, and octaves, can be done of "Roxanne" by the Police (too many)? What is the saddest, most melancholy chord ever developed (it's A Minor, believe me, used often in this realm)?
Take my word for it, this is easily going to add the ten or so missing pages to your script..
..and rekindle your interest in "867-5309", performed acoustically, of course.
It's an unseasonably cool South Carolina September morning, the earth soaked from last night's storm. Caesar the dog SNIFFS into the breeze, as if the moisture has unleashed a whole new plethora of scents. STEVIE NICKS coos through the Sirus "Acoustic Cafe" channel, her own version of "Crash Into Me" blowing away Dave Mathews.
BRIAN (V.O.)
(D.J.'s voice)
Hey ya'll, the B-man coming to you live from the screened-in porch of the acoustic cafe'.
(beat)
(back to normal voice)
I've discovered a new writing tool, namely this music channel. I'm sure you have a version on your own satellite or cable. Just surf down into the quadruple digits until you hear an outrageous version of a song, that is normally not done acoustically, being done acoustic, by the original artist at that.
Hear that?
ACOUSTIC MUSIC BEGINS OVER:
EXT. PARK CONCERT - DAY
We see CHRISSIE HYNDE and her band, cheery acoustic chords lead us into an unfamiliar tune. Sounds like a version of "Only Wanna Be With You". Where's Hootie?
CHRISSIE HYNDE
(soothing)
Got brass, in pocket..
HARDCORE FAN
(pissed)
What the f..
NEWBIE FAN
(excited)
Don'tcha just love that? So airy, so sweet..
CHRISSIE HYNDE
Gonna use my arms, gonna use my legs..
CUT TO:
INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING
BRIAN (V.O.)
Some of these remakes are cool, many are "interesting", but most are downright sad. And that's my discovery of this thing as a screenwriting tool: instant sadness!
You know that scene you've been working on, the one you hate working on, but have to? Where he says goodbye to her, or someone flatlines, or a president gives a moving educational speech that should bring everyone to tears?
Yes, THAT scene.
Well, screenwriting friend, I've got a remedy for you: turn up the acoustic cafe', get that vision of the protaganist with teary eyes, and you'll be flowing, literally. Yes, words will flow, and you'll be bawling your eyes out!
It doesn't matter which singer is crooning their unwanted version of acoustic crap, the one that the record company made them do since the material "was there", so "why not do it acoustic?", it all works as a tool.
Arlen Roth (who is that?), doing acoustic instrumental of Clapton's "Layla"? We'll take it! Freedy Johnston doing "Bad Reputation", the sad nineties radio hit? Well, it's even sadder in our acoustic cafe': "suddenly I'm on the street, seven years disappear below my feet.. do you want me now, do you want me now?". That's your protaganist talking, folks, get into it.. or him, or her.
You'll stay tuned in just to see what's next: is Metallica going to do a soft, heart-moving rendition of "Enter Sandman"? How many acoustic versions, and octaves, can be done of "Roxanne" by the Police (too many)? What is the saddest, most melancholy chord ever developed (it's A Minor, believe me, used often in this realm)?
Take my word for it, this is easily going to add the ten or so missing pages to your script..
..and rekindle your interest in "867-5309", performed acoustically, of course.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
IN BRUGES
MOVIE REVIEW
Okay, if you're a movie buff, which I'm not, your gasping over the fact that I just watched "IN BRUGES" for the first time, this Labor Day weekend. Why now? Because a lot of screenwriters and blogs have it referenced, but mainly the fact that my Lovely Wife had recorded it and we needed something to watch.
Written and directed by Martin McDonagh, "In Bruges" is about two hit men who are sent to, blah, blah... you're not reading because you've already seen it, right? I knew that. Okay, then onto the review.
The medieval city, Bruges, Belgium, looks good, with its stonework, stucco, iron windows and all. Without dialogue I still would've watched, it would have been just another one of those PBS travel shows, which I happen to love.
The acting was good but I have to admit, Colin Farrell was not convincing me in the beginning, it seemed a bit too much like acting. He grew into it though.
As for the script itself, early on Brendan Gleeson climbs a medieval tower to view the city. When he gets to the top, all alone, he looks down and it's quite like a view onto a HO scale trainset. He says, out loud, all alone, "I like this place."
Are you kidding me? People don't do that. Now, it's kind of like the tree falling in the woods if there are no people there, does it make a sound? Well, I'm a tree in this case, and I've been to the top of a ton of towers throughout Europe, sometimes alone, and I never once said, out loud, "I like this place". It should have been voiced over or left out entirely.
Why is it a big deal? Credibility. They're trying to lure me in during the first thirty minutes and Colin is acting fake-twitchy and Brendan is on a tower speaking out loud to himself? Not in MY script. Like they say, "gain the trust of your audience in ACT I and they will believe you throughout the rest of the film".
Other than that, it was good, and credible, so I got over it. McDonagh razzes americans, especially fat americans, quite a bit, which is good. You'll never fully get his pokes at the Belgians, or americans, unless you've spent a fair amount of time in Europe. Something like "Bruges is beautiful, too bad it's in Belgium".
Good stuff, to learn more, travel to Belgium, NOT!
Okay, if you're a movie buff, which I'm not, your gasping over the fact that I just watched "IN BRUGES" for the first time, this Labor Day weekend. Why now? Because a lot of screenwriters and blogs have it referenced, but mainly the fact that my Lovely Wife had recorded it and we needed something to watch.
Written and directed by Martin McDonagh, "In Bruges" is about two hit men who are sent to, blah, blah... you're not reading because you've already seen it, right? I knew that. Okay, then onto the review.
The medieval city, Bruges, Belgium, looks good, with its stonework, stucco, iron windows and all. Without dialogue I still would've watched, it would have been just another one of those PBS travel shows, which I happen to love.
The acting was good but I have to admit, Colin Farrell was not convincing me in the beginning, it seemed a bit too much like acting. He grew into it though.
As for the script itself, early on Brendan Gleeson climbs a medieval tower to view the city. When he gets to the top, all alone, he looks down and it's quite like a view onto a HO scale trainset. He says, out loud, all alone, "I like this place."
Are you kidding me? People don't do that. Now, it's kind of like the tree falling in the woods if there are no people there, does it make a sound? Well, I'm a tree in this case, and I've been to the top of a ton of towers throughout Europe, sometimes alone, and I never once said, out loud, "I like this place". It should have been voiced over or left out entirely.
Why is it a big deal? Credibility. They're trying to lure me in during the first thirty minutes and Colin is acting fake-twitchy and Brendan is on a tower speaking out loud to himself? Not in MY script. Like they say, "gain the trust of your audience in ACT I and they will believe you throughout the rest of the film".
Other than that, it was good, and credible, so I got over it. McDonagh razzes americans, especially fat americans, quite a bit, which is good. You'll never fully get his pokes at the Belgians, or americans, unless you've spent a fair amount of time in Europe. Something like "Bruges is beautiful, too bad it's in Belgium".
Good stuff, to learn more, travel to Belgium, NOT!
Monday, September 7, 2009
ITALIAN RUSH HOUR, PT. V
EXT. POMPEII NECROPOLIS - DAY
Brian moves down the hill, using tombs for cover. He takes a trail, walks up a ramp, then enters the:
INT. VILLA OF MYSTERIES - DAY
It's cool and dimly lit, with beautifully restored black and red frescoes of large figures. A FEMALE TOURIST takes pictures of the walls using a bright flash.
BRIAN
(out loud)
Lovely Wife?
FEMALE TOURIST
--??
BRIAN
(to tourist)
Oh, sorry, I'm calling out for my wife and I don't use her real name in my scripts, that's her character name.
FEMALE TOURIST
That's sweet.
LOVELY WIFE
(whispers loud)
Brian!
BRIAN
Where are you?
Lovely Wife pokes her head out around the corner.
LOVELY WIFE
All clear?
Brian walks up to her, they embrace, share a quick kiss.
BRIAN
We lost them for now. The guards are somehow involved in counterfeiting. We should get a move on..
Just then a male figure appears, blocking the exit.. then two, then a group, all dressed in suits. It's DETECTIVE ROSSI and INTERPOL.
ROSSI
Mr. Bullard?
BRIAN
Call me Brian.
ROSSI
I'm Detective Rossi with Interpol, we have some questions for you.
BRIAN
Any relation to Valentino Rossi, the motorcycle racing champ?
ROSSI
Could be, I'll tell you later.
INT. INTERPOL HQ. - NIGHT
Brian and Lovely Wife sit with Detective Rossi, sharing pizza in an interrogation room.
ROSSI
..from what we have gathered, the Fratelli ring was printing counterfeit Euros and passing them off to tourists..
BRIAN
In the main train station?
ROSSI
As well as through attendants of popular tourist sites like Pompeii, Herculaneum..
LOVELY WIFE
Wow, what a scam!
ROSSI
(chewing pizza)
Indeed, we were rather fortunate that you two came to visit, coincidentally busting the ring.
BRIAN
The pleasure is ours, might make a good script. Now what was that about Valentino Rossi?
Detective Rossi opens his coat pocket and pulls out two tickets: pit passes to next weekend's Moto GP races in Mugello. Brian's eyes light up as Rossi hands them over.
ROSSI
And they're real, not counterfeit!
The trio laughs as we cut to:
EXT. MUGELLO GRAN PRIX RACETRACK - DAY
Lovely Wife is in her Gucci shades, eating Gelato. Brian is sunburned, on his feet, cheering at the pack of leathered racers approaching at one-hundred eighty miles per hour.
ANNOUNCER
(excited)
..and it's VALENTINO ROSSI in the lead!
VALENTINO ROSSI waves to Brian and his Lovely Wife as he speeds by.
BRIAN
(ecstatic)
YEAHHHH!!!
THE END
Brian moves down the hill, using tombs for cover. He takes a trail, walks up a ramp, then enters the:
INT. VILLA OF MYSTERIES - DAY
It's cool and dimly lit, with beautifully restored black and red frescoes of large figures. A FEMALE TOURIST takes pictures of the walls using a bright flash.
BRIAN
(out loud)
Lovely Wife?
FEMALE TOURIST
--??
BRIAN
(to tourist)
Oh, sorry, I'm calling out for my wife and I don't use her real name in my scripts, that's her character name.
FEMALE TOURIST
That's sweet.
LOVELY WIFE
(whispers loud)
Brian!
BRIAN
Where are you?
Lovely Wife pokes her head out around the corner.
LOVELY WIFE
All clear?
Brian walks up to her, they embrace, share a quick kiss.
BRIAN
We lost them for now. The guards are somehow involved in counterfeiting. We should get a move on..
Just then a male figure appears, blocking the exit.. then two, then a group, all dressed in suits. It's DETECTIVE ROSSI and INTERPOL.
ROSSI
Mr. Bullard?
BRIAN
Call me Brian.
ROSSI
I'm Detective Rossi with Interpol, we have some questions for you.
BRIAN
Any relation to Valentino Rossi, the motorcycle racing champ?
ROSSI
Could be, I'll tell you later.
INT. INTERPOL HQ. - NIGHT
Brian and Lovely Wife sit with Detective Rossi, sharing pizza in an interrogation room.
ROSSI
..from what we have gathered, the Fratelli ring was printing counterfeit Euros and passing them off to tourists..
BRIAN
In the main train station?
ROSSI
As well as through attendants of popular tourist sites like Pompeii, Herculaneum..
LOVELY WIFE
Wow, what a scam!
ROSSI
(chewing pizza)
Indeed, we were rather fortunate that you two came to visit, coincidentally busting the ring.
BRIAN
The pleasure is ours, might make a good script. Now what was that about Valentino Rossi?
Detective Rossi opens his coat pocket and pulls out two tickets: pit passes to next weekend's Moto GP races in Mugello. Brian's eyes light up as Rossi hands them over.
ROSSI
And they're real, not counterfeit!
The trio laughs as we cut to:
EXT. MUGELLO GRAN PRIX RACETRACK - DAY
Lovely Wife is in her Gucci shades, eating Gelato. Brian is sunburned, on his feet, cheering at the pack of leathered racers approaching at one-hundred eighty miles per hour.
ANNOUNCER
(excited)
..and it's VALENTINO ROSSI in the lead!
VALENTINO ROSSI waves to Brian and his Lovely Wife as he speeds by.
BRIAN
(ecstatic)
YEAHHHH!!!
THE END
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