SNAKES FLIPPING OUT

INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

We see Brian opening the french doors, a line of four-legged figures behind the glass. Dusty, Cat #1, strolls out, followed by Maus, Cat #2, then a much larger figure, Caesar, the Dog. Each pet takes their position, lined up at the screen facing the valley. It's the morning bird show, their heads following a cardinal in sync, like the audience of a Wimbledon match.

BRIAN (V.O.)
And people say cats and dogs don't get along, ha!
(beat)
That's the morning ritual of my pack, we get out here on the post and watch for activity. We've seen a lot: all types of birds, vultures and hawks are an occasional thrill; there's a possum that patrols the low border in the valley if you get up early enough. A family of raccoons made an appearance. My favorite is probably the black snake; they're harmless and beautiful creatures, slithering up trees, slinking across the lawn. Not like this place is crawling with snakes, as most South Carolinians would like a yankee to believe. Somehow they think that's funny, saying a place is covered in snakes. There are hardly any snakes here, otherwise you would see them dead in the road, like so often in the midwest. Rural Illinois, now that's a place chock-full of snakes!

I don't miss some of the "industry snakes" I used to deal with, namely contractors and interior designers, and the occasional painting client with an attitude. Just the other night I was reminded of this during an episode of "FLIPPING OUT", where JEFF LEWIS is about to get stiffed by a client. "Stiffed" means not paid, shorted, screwed over, if you're not familiar with the term.

Jeff and his dedicated assistant, Jenny, are tasked with a pretty much cosmetic renovation on a potentially beautiful BEL AIR home. To Jeff, it seems like a fantastic opportunity, to me it has red lights glowing all over it, and I'll tell you why:

*He says the client just got divorced and is renovating with her boyfriend. This smacks of a project where everything is dependent on alimony or maintainence checks from the ex.

*Her budget is $100k. That's not a lot to spiff up a home, especially in Beverly Hills.

But, Jeff needs the project in this economy, and he is betting that he could get three to five other projects through her friends if he does a good job. Which leads to his "Wrong Theory #1: Expecting Referrals Through Another Project". If Jeff had more experience he would know that a lot of people won't refer your great services, for several reasons. They don't want their friends "stealing" their contractor; never knowing when they might need something fixed or an addition, only to call and hear that he is too busy" at their friend's house. When you work that intimately with someone you get to know everything about them, their finances, mates, boisterously bad behaving children. Referring someone to a friend is a direct line for friends to dig into your private life.

Moving forward, we see the meeting, the lady who is trying to be younger than she is, with her younger boyfriend. Fine. Jeff fails to collect some funds, leading to "Wrong Theory #2: People Will Always Pay for Services Rendered". Nope, they only pay if you make them sign a contract, stipulating the down-payment, as well as any progress payments on a big job. Red light on fire!

But, Jeff moves on anyway, gets his subs in there and they go to work. By the time we see Jeff again he thinks he is due approximately $25,000 in funds, so he can pay his subcontractors. Of course, his client is avoiding his calls and messages, she just got that much money in "free work". Her next step, which Jeff doesn't seem to comprehend at all, is to damage the working relationship so everyone will pull out. Any unfinished work, she will figure, can be done by some other contractor, and she will repeat this pattern until the home is completed.

Naively, Jeff threatens to get payment or pull out, "Wrong Theory #3: If We Stop Work and Pull Out, They Will Pay". Hell no, they want you gone! The only way you'll get that money is through costly litigation, and another way which I bet he hasn't even thought of yet.

Jenny orders the subs to stop work and roll out, the client, on film, adamantly saying to her face, "We're not talking about money anymore today". The team takes the bait and leaves. Don't leave, set up a tent, tell your contractors to bring in some beer while they work and "accidentally" spill materials all over the place. Tell the plumber to seal lines using Elmer's glue! Become the biggest nuisance and nightmare to the point where she will pay for you to leave!

But nope, they don't know how to do it, instead they fulfill this evil snake's dream, and leave.

Jeff gets on the phone with the lady and tells her that if she can't pay the subs then he will, leading to "Big, Stupid Theory #4: The Client Will Have Mercy on Me". Haaa! You just made her day, Jeff, because if you pay the contractors she only has to worry about a lawsuit from you, not four or five different parties. Instead, you should have said that the plumber, tile guy, electrician, painter, and you were going to sue her ass off, and each was in the process of putting a lien on the home. Yes, a LIEN. Jeff, if you're reading this, I've told you everything else, you're going to have to look up "filing a lien" on "the google", enough favors from me, bud, because I'm not getting paid for this and I believe firmly in "Wrong Theory #1", see above.

So it ends with her getting snippy on the phone and saying it's over, just what she wanted, an excuse to cut ties. She doesn't even care if this is on national TV, because she has no friends, and if she does, they are snakes too, so to hell with a referral from this bunch!

I don't know how Jeff resolves the problem, I guess that's in the next episode. For now, unless he takes my advice, he is pretty much screwed.

Whatever the profession: screenwriting, plumbing, design, painting.. whatever your job is, don't work for free, and don't accept a deal that's not on paper, and hold them to it. You figure they're "too busy" to draft that in print? Well, later on they will be "too busy" to pay you.

Damn snakes, they ARE everywhere!