READY FOR LAUNCH

Before I fully unleash my guerilla marketing campaign for my script, there are a few things I would like to explain, for myself, and for anyone in doubt.

I recently posted on the fact that screenwriters need to brand themselves, it's unfortunate, but good writing alone doesn't cut it. Of course, the brand itself will not sell a script, but it does make you memorable should your black and white copy get into the hands of "someone important". This is a fast moving business where someone is all too quickly forgotten.

Screenwriters seem to get obsessed with the thought that someone is going to steal their idea. It's almost a form of self-flattery to think that our idea is so great that people will be going to such great lengths and risk to steal it. The fact is that cases involving copyright infringement are usually that of professionals stealing on their level, not delving into the unkown resources of spec script writers. If you want to steal, you take the risk by stealing from someone sucsessful, you knock off the biggest bank, not the small, unkown, town bank with no security guards and little money.

Reading a recent article of how screenwriters "made it", one common factor was apparent -- a person was met, by chance, and months or years later there was another chance meeting with the same, and this evolved into a solid contact with someone else. What does this mean? In my book, "be seen twice", and it doesn't even have to be in person. Get noticed, twice, in whatever way possible, and then cultivate that. For me, the campaign I am executing relies on that factor -- branding and visibility.

My screenplay is accessible online, and I have no fear of anyone stealing it (see the reasons above). I'm not putting it on "triggerstreet.com" or "simplyscripts.com" because that's not my target audience -- hobby readers and writers, at least for the moment. It is available on two "reputable" sites of the profession. Currently, it's hard enough to get someone to read your logline or synopsis, let alone the whole script.

Query letters are sad, a lot end up in the can, the response is very slow, and when you do get the greenlight to send in a script it gets in the hands of an all too commonly untrusted reader. I think there are lots of "good" readers out there, but what may satisfy the reader is not always what satisfies a prodco and vice-versa. It's time for change.

Still, it seems the best shot at getting noticed is being branded and by winning a reputable screenwriting competition. A sure way to waste your time and money is by entering the majority of unreputable screenwriting competitions that make a profit off of the entries. There are six or less very reputable contests.

Blogs -- are good to have, especially for branding and visibility. It's one of the ways to showcase your voice and discipline. But, all too many of these electronic diaries spewing with filth and bad attitudes are a dead giveaway that the author is not someone that professionals would want to work with in the industry. It's proven that you have to be a professional -- punctual, concise, diplomatic, and trustworthy, to make it in this industry.

I welcome your thoughts.

SCREENWRITER BRAND

The odds have proven that you have to do more than write well to make it in the screenwriting business. Dustin Lance Black was a gay activist even before writing "MILK". Shane Black was an actor before even being considered as a writer. Diablo Cody was a stripper who published a blog about it, among other smart moves she made. Yes, most screenwriters in the past few years have had to invent ways to stand out, or at least use what they had to get their big break.

I don't suggest jumping off a building, we discussed that before. But, you have to brand yourself, maybe not through one simple act, but you have to create an enticing brand that will make people, especially prodcos, take notice.

Draw on your past -- what are you known for? What is your true profession? Do you excel at some odd interest, worthy of noting? Fact is, it's going to be easier to put a brand together based on existing qualities. If you are a bowler with a consistent 200-plus average, you need to include bowling in a script, that's catchy. Teacher? Then that should be in some aspect of your best script as well.

Don't just put the script in a drawer and send queries -- it's not enough, I'm sorry to say. Work on your brand and make it unique, make us take notice.

My brand? I'm an unemployed art instructor who was forced into a career change in a recession, just like the main character in my best script. I write about "real life", in specific, the recession and economy, because I live it, like so many. I coined the genre "e-comedy", meaning a comedy in which the poor economy takes a defining role. "Up in the Air", a recent release about a hatchet-man downsizing companies, could be defined as an "e-comedy".

I am a political columnist for a local paper. I started this career with a blog and a challenge to complete a screenplay in ninety days, having no knowledge of the craft (I completed two in the time frame). All of my training has been through online resources, I spent twelve hours a day, every day during those ninety days learning online and writing my scripts.

I am in the process of building and unleashing a campaign behind my script that has never been attempted. If it fails or not isn't the question, the point is that I'm doing it and that it's never been done.

Brand yourself, writers, work with what you have, set a goal for something new, and go for it!

FADE OUT

ONE IN FIFTY-THOUSAND CHANCE

Hi screenwriters and fans thereof, let's talk about something -- the screenplay lotto. Yep, it's a lotto. Unconfirmed sources say that nearly fifty-thousand screenplays were sent to Hollywood last year. That would be 1000 for every state, figuring many come in from other countries, the estimates are not odd. Quite frankly, they suck!

And, being in or around the trade, you know that half of what is passed around or sent out is not in proper format or structure and maybe should not have been written in the first place. So, generously, let's cut our figure down -- our odds are 1 in 25,000 now. So chances are we can sell a screenplay before we will ever get hit by lightning or win the lotto. Good odds, eh? I know, not really.

We could start a blog, right? Well, yes, and no. Maybe there's a "one in how many" shot to get known through this. It is, however, a good place to practice writing, network so maybe you'll have a friend who can offer crash space when you get to L.A.?

There's guerilla tactics -- the naked cowboy screenwriter, maybe B.A.S.E. jumping with your script in hand, in front of news media... and the police. No thanks, I value my life, and lack of police record.

A novel, that's it! For some reason screenwriters don't write novels from their scripts, very rare. And weird, figuring self-publishing is basically free online now. I mean, if you have a great story, wouldn't you try every way possibly to convey it, including putting it into a novel?

Don't let it get you down. Pull up your script and re-read it for fun, damn you did good! Remember writing that line? Remember when a friend chuckled when you said you could write a screenplay? How about that "FADE OUT" at the end, now that was a moment you'll never forget!

You've got your script. You should frame the title, keep a copy on your desk, tag it in your posts, maybe spray-paint the title on a boxcar (umm, please reference that thing about the police first!).

Sure, send queries, do your blog thing, tell your friends, but most of all, never lose your love for your script, keep that sucker close to your heart. It's something you made, nobody can ever take it away and mess it up... unless you're "signed", and that's a good problem to have!

FADE OUT

TRAVELING SCRIPT

Julie Gray, multi-talented scribe and reader, host of "JUST F*ING ENTERTAIN ME", had a recent post about her travels. She hit Israel, Egypt, Jordan, and Ecuador in one month, for different reasons. In Ecuador she taught a writing class to a group of students.

I can't put the story into a nutshell, it's a wonderfully inspiring post about seeing the world and how it opens a different set of eyes (read it at her link above).

What I would like to address is how travel and your life experiences fit into screenwriting. If you're age fifty or so, have grown up in a rural area, and are new to screenwriting, I wouldn't say you need to hit the road for the next few years to gather experiences. You know how people talk, what they do, the quirks -- write your story.

But if you're in the same situation and say, age 20, there's a "road less traveled" ahead, and you can take it, and gain a lot of experiences that will add more to your writing than you could ever learn from watching film or sitting in class.

A lot of kids in Europe are great at this -- they will live in other countries for a few months as exchange students, or go some place with a group of friends. Many hit the road for a year, "jobbing" where they can. It used to be an integral part of an apprenticeship -- as a "Wandergeselle" in Germany you would take to the road for a year, working for other companies within your trade, gathering experience.

As Julie mentions, the feeling of being at an actual armed checkpoint is moving. I can tell you firsthand that it's not as exciting as in the movies, yet so utterly surreal that it's hard to put into words. But if you live it, you'll have a different way to write about it in your film.

Here's to getting out there!

STUFF WHITE PEOPLE LIKE

I've started Monday with a good laugh, thanks to the blog called "STUFF WHITE PEOPLE LIKE". When I saw the link I didn't know what to imagine, would this be a parody of great things that just white people like? Sort of. My take is that it's things that you're "supposed" to like if you're white, to be hip, because the things on the list are so unique. But if you're on the real inside loop, you'll know that liking the things in this list do not make you unique at all, especially if you're white.

For script writing, it's a great resource to create a character, an especially white one. Need a hip main character who goes to college, discovering himself along the way, doing cool things? Just pull up the trusty list and you'll soon find that your protagonist should:

#1 love coffee.
#14 have a black friend
#47 pursue an arts degree
#52 be "into" Sarah Silverman
and #82 have a hate for any given corporation, say "Wal-Mart", for example.

They should also be a fan of some sort of #2 religion they have no comprehension of, but can toss a few keywords around.

Instant character, and maybe that's what the list is about.

Oh sure, I'm a big fan of many things on the list, don't get me wrong. The good part is clicking on that link to find out how it is okay for me to like that particular subject without being pretentious about it. I don't have to wave it on a banner or throw it in anyone's face. I understand that saying I love #34 architecture will only make me a snob if I continually insert I.M. Pei into the conversation.

Lovely Wife and I are #32 vegetarians, but we're fairly secretive about it, we don't throw it in anyone's face. Your average white vegan friend will, however, give you a dissertation on how meat rots in your colon (a Canadian student, who was white, did this to me once). Hey, everything rots in your colon, even veggies, join the club!

We love #24 wine, but don't claim to know many types, let alone certain regions. But your white fake wine snob expects you to. When they ask you what your favorite wine is, the author advises to just make up the name of a wine, followed by a country, and tell them it's a very rare find. They'll be impressed.

My favorite, for the moment, has to be #89 Saint Patrick's Day. It's what I call a "hoosier holiday", and ties in a race with #113 Halloween. To enlighten, in the midwest, a hoosier is sort of like an uncultured type who rarely mows his lawn, but goes to great lengths to cover the house with spiderwebs and lights on Halloween. That's the one, all dressed in green, chugging down Budweiser at your local St. Patty's parade.

It seems everyone except the Irish celebrate this day in the fashion that we have come to know it here, kind of like Cinco de Mayo, which should be added to the list. All of the sudden everyone wants to be Irish, much like young white men #107 make self aware hip hop references, or are #20 an expert on YOUR own culture.

I hate St. Patrick's Day because I'm redheaded and half Scottish, but everyone assumes Brian the pale redhead must be Irish. They assume all redheads are Irish, when in fact the pict gene, the red DNA, comes from Scotland. They assume that it's cool to claim they come from the tribe that was once banned from employment under the NINA (no Irish need apply) laws. They probably think the potato famine refers to a shortage of french fries at McDonald's.

And they fake liking Guinness, c'mon, it tastes like cigarettes put out in stale Pabst Blue Ribbon.

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WRITING GERMAN

I was just reading script notes from an example that a reading service posted. The feedback was rather lengthy and detailed, good when you're paying for it. My favorite part was when they pointed out that the writer had failed to properly describe the setting, "LA doesn't have any brownstones", it read. They encouraged the scribe to do more research before writing about a particular area.

Germany, France, and Great Britain are offering big incentives for Hollywood to come and shoot some film there. Speed Racer, Inglorious Bastards, Valkyrie, and many other films took advantage of a large tax credit offered in Berlin.

That said, one might consider not only writing a budget-oriented screenplay, but one that is set in Europe, specifically Germany, who offers the highest benefit.

With eight years of experience living and working in the motherland, I'm here to offer tips on what to, but better yet, what not to write into your germanically set script.

STORY

Don't write a script about Nazis, a coup against them, or anything even somewhat related. Tarantino took the last cookie from the jar, he produced the last great idea on this era, it's been done a lot of ways, and it's all been done, don't try it.

SETTING

To keep it on a budget, set your script-allemagne in this century, it will save money on costumes, vehicles and the like. You'll rarely see a classic car; don't expect to set a GI in post war Berlin, driving around a giant 1940's Buick, they'll have to ship that in extra. Rely on the standards: BMW, Mercedes, Mini-Cooper, VW Bug, Golf, Polo, Scirocco... not familiar with Scirocco? See, this is more research than you think!

CHARACTERS

Germans do not speak to each other in English with German accents. Instead, consider Oxford English in the northern half, and a slight southern drawl in the south, such as Bavaria. I'd rather you just subtitle the whole thing but that will kill the script, god forbid that someone has to READ lines in a film while the dialogue is in the native language.

For people "in the know", we say that Germans are "americanized". This means that they wear deodorant, shave and shower, change their clothes regularly. Should you be compelled to set your story in Belgium, the above will not be as applicable.

CLICHE'S

You'll want to stay away, or maybe use, some of the usual stereotypical elements of people in the country, such as:

*an electrical engineer who is over forty and still lives with his parents.

*women who are thirty that marry guys over fifty.

*very left-oriented people that wear scarves, even in the hot summer, and eat "Musli" (granola).

*businessmen that do not normally speak English but love to throw in keywords like "UP-TO-DATE".

*Turkish street-sweepers and cleaning ladies.

*Polish workers that also do menial labor but consider themselves to be more German.

SCENES

However enticing, don't set the following scenes in the listed place, it's not realistic.

INT. MAIN TRAIN STATION - NIGHT
Don't set a love scene here, it smells like pee.

INT. PUBLIC BATHROOM - DAY
Never set any scene here, except for a murder.

EXT. AUTOBAHN - DAY
No chase scenes here, it's usually bumper to bumper; keep it to under fifty miles per hour. Yep.

That's just touching the tip of the iceberg, you can see that you have your work cut out. Visit, if you can, if not, then buddy up to some Germans online, I'm sure they'd be willing to share.

Oh, and one more thing: if it's about the "Wall", everyone wanted it to come down, and then complained about all of the easterners and the costs of reconstruction later.

Achh! Oh, don't include that expression either, rarely heard. Unless it is a Nazi-era retiree, and then you have to question whether you should be writing about that.

ON A BUDGET

Everyone's on a budget nowadays, if you're not, then you must be either one of these executives with outrageous bonuses that we heard about last year, or you are completely budget-less because you're broke. In the latter case, you're probably reading this from a computer at your local library. Turn around, see all the people in line, behind you? I'll try to make it snappy so they can get on.

If you've been keeping up with the few blogs that post stats on which spec scripts sold recently, you'll notice that most of them are comedies. We've been informed that spec scripts might be a dying breed, they are risky for production companies, much more risky than securing an Apatow script that is full of "poop" jokes that will damn sure turn a profit, and in the end, is also a comedy, so it's low budget in the production sense.

So it would seem to be in our best interest, as scribes, to focus on comedy if we want to sell our gem, our baby, our first spec script. But, if you look at the entries and wins in screenwriting competitions, the ranks are filled with dramas and thrillers.

It's all quite confusing because placing in a screenwriting competition is one of the best ways to get recognized, but if that script is a sci-fi thriller it's unlikely it will be produced, at least for now, seemingly defeating the purpose.

I'm sticking to somewhat low budget romantic comedy, comedy, and "coming of age" stuff for the time being. If you look at what's been produced in this realm lately it is all very budget conscious: The Ugly Truth, The Goods, All About Steve, The Invention of Lying... it doesn't cost a fortune to produce films set in offices, in cars, on streets... it can be done in a back lot of LA.

What's redundant in my efforts is that writing comedy is probably not going to win me a placement in a well-recognized screenwriting competition. For some reason, it's not as respected, not as "interesting", or "hard to write" as a sci-fi thriller with a mega-budget, one which will never be produced in this day and age.

An alternative might be writing a sci-fi comedy, something like "Spaceballs", but that's been done. Or maybe a thriller laced with funny one-liners, early James Bond was filled with that. I'm not sure, but for the competitions I just might have to change the scene headings from:

INT. HOTEL LOBBY - DAY

to

INT. SPACESHIP LANDING PORT - ?

and then switch out those headers when I send it in as a spec script.

Wish me luck.

SCRIPT QUESTION / ANSWER

Okay, into the second script and I have a few looming questions. So far I've written an outline, successfully pitched the story to my Lovely Wife, and have completed about eighty pages of what will (hopefully) be a one-hundred-twenty page script.

I'm using "CINERGY", by the way. Scoff if you will, but it works, and it's free! I can (hopefully) easily paste everything into "FINAL DRAFT" when completed, or I've got my work cut out. Owning Final Draft doesn't make you a screenwriter in my opinion, so before I shell out for it I will have to complete scripts, vindicating the cost.

It's a rom-com with two plots: attaining a love interest and a job, both of equal importance. I follow the ACT 1, 2a, 2b, 3 method that Terry Rossio describes in his Wordplayer columns. If you haven't read those I'd advise it, whether you're new to this profession or not.

At page thirty, end of Act One, I have the main character getting the job offer and securing the interest of his lovely future mate.

On page sixty, the all important "Two A to Two B" transition, he wins the job and the heart of little Miss Thing.

By page ninety, Act Three, I plan for him be a phenomenal success at his job, which he turns around and quits and moves away, because love interest loses her interest because he lied to her. Interesting?

And for the grand finale: they will cross paths and hook up again, or not.

For the above, what I'm wondering, is:
*How's the timing look?
*Any ideas / suggestions?

Now, for the technical, scripting stuff:

*Parentheticals: to, or not to. Quite honestly, what's the difference or harm in-

--------------------
MATILDA
(laughs)
You're an idiot!

VS

Matilda starts to laugh.

MATILDA
You're an idiot!
--------------------

The difference to me are a few needed lines, so I support the former, not the latter. Is this bad?

Also, I'm starting to think that leaving out parentheticals is a good idea for a spec script, but maybe not such a good idea for a screenwriting competition entry. Over-directing VS describing the scene, can actors, directors, and writers as well as their judges ever agree on anything? Opinions?

On dialogue cut in half by action descriptions, I'm leaving out the Character name and "cont.d" when they continue talking, saves "hella" space. But I want to do the right (write) thing, so tell me if you think differently.

Last but not least, I'm still deciding between a spiral bound script or using brads, and I still have to find an artist for the cover art.

Gotcha!!! Hehe, I may be new around here but I'm pretty up on things, lol.

SO, if you have an opinion, idea, criticism, rant, rave, philosophy, please post it!

SECOND SCRIPT!!

Yes, that little box on the right is not in error: I've started a second script! I needed to, my first script is nearing completion, lately there's been a lot of rewriting and polishing on it and I need to check all the connections, but it's pretty much done.

So yesterday, Sunday, I needed to get a fresh breath of air into things. There's a place that I've been wanting to write about, but that alone doesn't make a film. As I mentioned before, I love shows like "RICK STEVE'S EUROPE" on PBS, but I'm not out to make a travel guide or show, I want to sell a spec script. I don't think someone is going to produce my script because it has breathtaking, scenic views and little or no content.

By the way, Rick's site is titled "Europe Through the Back Door". If there's been any lingering concepts concerning his orientation, this title doesn't help!!

The first, and hardest step, was figuring out the genre. Action was an easy choice, you can make an action film set just about anywhere, any country or place, underwater, in the sky. I have great respect for a scribe who can sell an action script, it's not as easy as one would think. Back in the 1970's you could do a big chase scene with muscle cars bounding hills, but there has to be more to it nowadays in order to sell such a script.

I noticed the NICHOLL AWARDS seem to love screenplays involving terrorists. I worry about them enough in real life, I'm not going to let the terrorists ruin my screenwriting experience.

It could be a drama, but I'm not in the mood for a downer. Lovely Wife watched "THE SECRET LIFE OF BEES" yesterday while I worked on the logline for the new script. I passed on the show, looked like it was heading down a trail of sad, and it did.

I started writing down ideas of things that could happen in the setting, imagining I was there, the feeling. Then it started talking to me: yes, my story started appearing in my eyes and I had the synopsis down and was cutting it up to acts in no time.

Then I took it to my Lovely Wife to see if it would check out. She had a few good questions, which gave me some more answers; the whole story was looking strong within an hour of inception and I already ran it through my "focus audience".

Sitting at my script editor, I took a stab at writing chronologically, typing:

INT. LYONS HOME - NIGHT

We see Steve..

and stared at that for about twenty minutes, what a waste of time. Writing in order is overrated, in my opinion. How can I build character on the first page if I don't know how this guy acts in page ten or twenty? It's like a baby, all you can do is sit there and wait for the kid to grow up and hope it does neat things in life. Talk to the kid thirty or fifty or seventy years later and then you've got an interesting story. Works for me.

So I jumped ahead about ten to twenty pages and knocked out six pages in a scene, it just flowed. Giving myself a sixty day limit on scripts, this one should be done by Thanksgiving. I've got a nearly completed screenplay, and a freshly born script...

with no sight of terrorists in the plot, just yet.

ACOUSTICAL SCRIPT

INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

It's an unseasonably cool South Carolina September morning, the earth soaked from last night's storm. Caesar the dog SNIFFS into the breeze, as if the moisture has unleashed a whole new plethora of scents. STEVIE NICKS coos through the Sirus "Acoustic Cafe" channel, her own version of "Crash Into Me" blowing away Dave Mathews.

BRIAN (V.O.)
(D.J.'s voice)
Hey ya'll, the B-man coming to you live from the screened-in porch of the acoustic cafe'.
(beat)
(back to normal voice)
I've discovered a new writing tool, namely this music channel. I'm sure you have a version on your own satellite or cable. Just surf down into the quadruple digits until you hear an outrageous version of a song, that is normally not done acoustically, being done acoustic, by the original artist at that.

Hear that?

ACOUSTIC MUSIC BEGINS OVER:

EXT. PARK CONCERT - DAY

We see CHRISSIE HYNDE and her band, cheery acoustic chords lead us into an unfamiliar tune. Sounds like a version of "Only Wanna Be With You". Where's Hootie?

CHRISSIE HYNDE
(soothing)
Got brass, in pocket..

HARDCORE FAN
(pissed)
What the f..

NEWBIE FAN
(excited)
Don'tcha just love that? So airy, so sweet..

CHRISSIE HYNDE
Gonna use my arms, gonna use my legs..

CUT TO:

INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

BRIAN (V.O.)
Some of these remakes are cool, many are "interesting", but most are downright sad. And that's my discovery of this thing as a screenwriting tool: instant sadness!

You know that scene you've been working on, the one you hate working on, but have to? Where he says goodbye to her, or someone flatlines, or a president gives a moving educational speech that should bring everyone to tears?

Yes, THAT scene.

Well, screenwriting friend, I've got a remedy for you: turn up the acoustic cafe', get that vision of the protaganist with teary eyes, and you'll be flowing, literally. Yes, words will flow, and you'll be bawling your eyes out!

It doesn't matter which singer is crooning their unwanted version of acoustic crap, the one that the record company made them do since the material "was there", so "why not do it acoustic?", it all works as a tool.

Arlen Roth (who is that?), doing acoustic instrumental of Clapton's "Layla"? We'll take it! Freedy Johnston doing "Bad Reputation", the sad nineties radio hit? Well, it's even sadder in our acoustic cafe': "suddenly I'm on the street, seven years disappear below my feet.. do you want me now, do you want me now?". That's your protaganist talking, folks, get into it.. or him, or her.

You'll stay tuned in just to see what's next: is Metallica going to do a soft, heart-moving rendition of "Enter Sandman"? How many acoustic versions, and octaves, can be done of "Roxanne" by the Police (too many)? What is the saddest, most melancholy chord ever developed (it's A Minor, believe me, used often in this realm)?

Take my word for it, this is easily going to add the ten or so missing pages to your script..

..and rekindle your interest in "867-5309", performed acoustically, of course.

RACHEL ZOE PROJECT

INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

We see Brian on his first official day back at the "office", revived from vacation. He sports a black PETA T-shirt, a white outline of a rabbit on the front, and faded jeans.

BRIAN (V.O.)
Yes, you read that right, jeans, we're finally enjoying a cool front in sweltering South Carolina. It's quite refreshing: a cool breeze, lightly overcast sky, moisture on the ground. A change in season and temperature is like starting a fresh, new page in a script.

We watched the first episode of the "Rachel Zoe Project" last night. If you're not familiar, she's a stylist for some notable stars, ANNE HATHAWAY being one of them. The one hour series, which should be more like thirty minutes, covers the tension between Rachel and her assistants and last minute finds and scheduling.

The way the show is shot, it's as if they want to make you believe that poor Anne is one hour away from being on the red carpet, waiting in her underwear for Rachel to appear, with hopefully the best red carpet dress instead of a potato sack (which she could pull off just as well).

We tune in for the shopping and fashion. We would like to see more of that, and the stars, but the show always limits the latter to the last minute of Rachel and her assistants watching the stars on T.V., like we all do at home, evoking self-praise, which we seldom do at home.

INT. STUDIO - SUNSET

Rachel sits on a couch in front of the T.V., looking emaciated. She needs a sandwich. Assistant Brad walks in at the last minute, the red carpet for the Golden Globes is streaming from the tube.

RACHEL
(excitedly)
C'mon Bra-ad, it's just starting!

Brad cozies up on the couch with Rachel.We see a shot of Anne Hathaway in the outfit and jewelry they picked.

RACHEL
(frog-like tone)
She KIIILLLLLEDD ITTTT. RIBBIT!

INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

Brian shakes his head.

BRIAN (V.O.)
That was the moment I waited fifty-nine minutes for?? Christ!
(beat)
Okay, to be clear, and fair, nothing against Rachel, she is good at what she does, has extraordinary taste and buying, or loaning power. I wish she would eat something someday, but that's her business.

What I would like to see is a better script, better production, a show that is not designed around the insubordination of her blonde assistant, which bores me. Worse yet, it is like listening to screeching nails on the blackboard, I was downing red wine just to stand it.

And the fake phone calls, c'mon! That reality show trick is getting old, you're not even using a filtered voice on the other end of the line! Watch this, folks:

INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

Brian picks up his cell phone, as if he just received a call.

BRIAN
(professional)
Brian Bullard speaking.

ANNE HATHAWAY
(filtered)
Hey Brian, just wondering if you guys liked my outfit shown last night?

BRIAN
It was splendid, Anne, Rachel did a fantastic job as usual.

ANNE HATHAWAY
(filtered)
Good, because I'm sending it to your lovely wife!

BRIAN
Oh Anne, thanks so much, what a gesture!

ANNE HATHAWAY
(filtered)
I thought she might want to wear it when you receive your Nicholl Award?

BRIAN
Okay, now I KNOW this is a fake call!

INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

Maus the cat is sitting on her wicker chair. She hikes her leg up and does a cat pedicure, cleaning her paw.

BRIAN (V.O.)
See, that's how you make a fake call interesting. So let's see more of that, and some star interviews, more shopping, and something really wild, like Rachel at a restaurant, actually eating food.

FADE OUT

MISTAKES & EFFORT

INT. WORDPLAYER COLUMN PAGE - MORNING

We see Brian SCROLLING down a list of "ORIGINAL APHORISMS" posted by his mentor.

TERRI ROSSIO (O.S.)
Mistakes are the by-product of action -- and thus an accurate gauge of effort.

BRIAN (V.O.)
(laughing)
Then my life has been FULL of EFFORT!
(beat)
I'm fortunate to have a mentor that I agree with. It always irked me when someone has something to complain about but is doing nothing to change the course of events. Better to step up and try to change things, accept the mistakes, and keep going forward.

BLOG READER #1 OFFICE - DAY

BLOG READER #1
Hey kid, been making a lot of mistakes, eh? A REAL SCREENWRITER doesn't have to make so many mistakes because they've LEARNED the craft in all their years of schooling!

BRIAN (V.O.)
Hey there, B.R. One, how's it going?

BLOG READER #1
Oh, now you've finally come to your wits, talking to me, maybe you need some advice from the master?

BRIAN (V.O.)
Well of course, with all your training and expertise, you must be full of good advice.

BLOG READER #1
That, I am.

BRIAN (V.O.)
Okay, then help me out with this if you like: I've got someone in the industry who is always down on me, seems no matter what I do, it's not going to satisfy this person.

BLOG READER #1
An executive?

BRIAN (V.O.)
I'll leave out the details, let's just say it's someone who "follows my work".

BLOG READER #1
Okay.

BRIAN (V.O.)
So, lend me an example of what you've done in these situations, so I can learn.

BLOG READER #1
Well, kid, not often that someone disagrees with me.

BRIAN (V.O.)
Do you think they're agreeing, or just not telling you what they're thinking?

BLOG READER #1
There's no doubt, most agree with me.

BRIAN (V.O.)
Because they're not telling you what they think, right?

BLOG READER #1
Who's the one giving advice here, kid?

BRIAN (V.O.)
You.

BLOG READER #1
So why don't you just agree, then we'll move on.

BRIAN (V.O.)
Which proves my point.

BLOG READER #1
Which is?

BRIAN (V.O.)
You only want people to agree with you.

BLOG READER #1
I gotta run, I have a one-o'clock with an executive! You keep writing your little BLOG, kid!

INT. WORDPLAYER COLUMN PAGE - MORNING

Brian SIPS his cup of WARM COFFEE.

BRIAN (V.O.)
It's about time I took that guy down a notch.
(beat)
I'll keep making mistakes, that's what script rewrites and polishing are about. When it comes down to doing a deal I'll be well-versed in rewriting, unless the executives just agree with me and tell me what I want to hear!

A MAN OF FEW WORDS

EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

SMOOTH JAZZ permeates the AIRWAVES.
Brian gets a TEXT from his LOVELY WIFE.
Wanting to EXTRACT her from the CONFINES of the CORPORATE WORLD, our HERO works hard at his POTENTIALLY award-winning SCRIPT.

BRIAN (V.O.)
One thing I enjoy about writing a script is the ability to change anything with just a few words, and as few words as possible, or so it should be.
(beat)
If I think about that, some of the shortest lines can have the biggest impact, in a script, but even moreso in life.
(beat)
Take, for example:
"I do". The first thing that comes to my mind is marriage, and how those two words represent everything agreed to "above the line".
(beat)
"I quit". In my mind, it automatically refers to someone quitting their job, and it is the one time we see a quitter in a positive light. It's the moment when an under-appreciated and overworked employee stands up for themselves.
(beat)
"I wish". An innocent hope, maybe naive, but we respect it. A villain never says "I wish", this comes from someone we side with, somebody we like.

DUSTY, Cat #1, SAUNTERS in and HOPS up on a WICKER CHAIR.
He PEERS out at the GROWING LAWN, while DIGESTING his morning BITE of CRABGRASS.

BRIAN (V.O.)
It's quite a balancing act writing a script of few words that have a lot of impact. I should take a look at the "CASTAWAY" script, that probably has the most "action" descriptions of any screenplay, and yet it was such a success (I linked a third draft, which was still changed in the movie!).
(beat)
Maybe because people enjoy the element of using less words? Possibly so.
(beat)
Because people enjoy the use of less words? Possibly so.
(beat)
People enjoy less words? Possibly.
(beat)
Less words? DEFINITELY!

FADE OUT

CAPTIVE

INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

We see Brian, leaning over the Dell.
He turns his left palm upward, observing a small, red, raised patch on his wrist.
It itches.

BRIAN
Damn mosquito!

BRIAN (V.O.)
Good morning. First off, if you're still reading this, I'd like to thank you. Thanks for checking out my blog even if you accidentally landed here looking for "real" tips on screenwriting, because I have no "tips", just examples and thoughts.

If you know anything about format or vernacular, and are still reading, again I thank you. I have, like any amateur scribe, offended numerous times with my excessive use of capitals and beats. And the layout of this blog is not exactly in proper script format, but not a bad mock thereof.

Yes, I was overly impressed with Shane Black's action writing.

CUT TO:

INT. BLACK SCRIPT PAGE - DAY

We see the text.

A BLUE CAR fishtails around the turn.
A RED TRUCK follows.
A CEMENT TRUCK rolls over and CRUSHES both of them.

BRIAN (V.O.)
Yes, seeing this guy's work made me want to capitalize any word I thought was important. I was worse than a grandma who has discovered the internet and decided it's easiest to email if she uses that ever-so-neat "Caps Lock" button on the keyboard.

And the parentheticals, I know, any director or actor would cringe at the number I use. Especially the content, I think "pissed" is my favorite parenthetical but I'm not sure if it's used in the professional world.

But, in a positive light, I have stayed at least somewhat entertaining. If I can hear a laugh from my lovely wife while she is reading the blog, that's worth a laugh from hundreds of people in a theater. I then feel validated.

And my consistency has been good. I've been steadily delivering posts. Half the reason of keeping the blog is to show that I am consistent, and persistent.

So, as of today, I promise not to go overboard with the caps anymore, they will be limited only to sounds and when I introduce new characters.

CUT TO:

EXT. ROWBOAT - DAY

BLACKBEARD sits at the stern, POUNDING his wooden leg on the side of the decrepit boat.

BRIAN (V.O.)
Yeah, something like that.

BLACKBEARD
(loudly)
Row, you hunchback!

BRIAN (V.O.)
Yes, like that.

HUNCHBACK
(pissed)
DAMMIT! I'll DUMP you off THAT STERN, PEG-LEG!

BRIAN (V.O.)
Oh no, no, less like that.

FADE OUT

YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

A SPUTTERING sound ENVELOPES the AIR.
Brian DASHES to the SCREEN, EYES DARTING around the SKY.
It's a low flying BI-PLANE over the BULLARD RESIDENCE.

BRIAN (V.O.)
Makes me want to work on the RED BARON script I thought of.
(beat)
Week two of my scriptwriting experience is coming to an end. It's been another successful week of writing and learning. Probably the best thing I've learned is what most wannabe screenwriters don't want to hear: it's not easy.
(beat)
Truth be told, nobody wants to hear the truth about any profession they're hoping to break into.

INT. CLASSROOM - MORNING

Brian stands in front of another ENTHUSIASTIC GROUP of STUDENTS who want to get into the BUSINESS of DECORATIVE PAINTING.

BRIAN
(charming)
Good morning, class!

STUDENTS
(thrilled)
Good morning!

BRIAN
Okay, we've painted a lot, covered the fundamentals and techniques of the art, now we're diving into the business portion, namely the act of pricing your faux finishes and creating a contract for your client.

STUDENTS
-?

BRIAN
Yep, if you want to get paid for your art, you have to know the business.

ARTSY TYPE STUDENT #1
Can we paint another sample first? That was FUN!

BRIAN
I'm glad you enjoyed that, but no, now to price it.

CRAFTY STUDENT #1
But in the brochure it said we would be painting most of the time?

BRIAN
It did, and you did, we did, now we need to spend a fraction of that time on the business part. Without that, you won't be doing much painting, or at least for money.

HOUSEWIFE TYPE STUDENT #1
I just came to learn how to paint my own house, so can I go back to painting?

BRIAN
Sure, okay, fine, paint another sample.

ARTSY TYPE STUDENT #1
Can I help her?

CRAFTY STUDENT #1
And can I?

BRIAN
Okay, you guys paid $1500 for the course, if you want to paint the whole time I'm not going to force this down your throats. But you'll never have business if you don't learn the info.

CRAFTY STUDENT #1
Sure we will, it just takes the RIGHT client.

HOUSEWIFE TYPE STUDENT #1
And CONTACTS.

TITLE OVER:
ONE MONTH LATER

Brian's cell phone RINGS.

BRIAN
Hello?

INTERCUT WITH:
ARTSY TYPE STUDENT #1
(filtered)
Brian, hi, I had a few questions now that I'm back home.

BRIAN
Sure, go ahead.

ARTSY TYPE STUDENT #1
(filtered)
How do I price my work?

BRIAN
I don't know, maybe find a contact to get the right client?

EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

BRIAN (V.O.)
And that was my big lesson this week, how much people are paying NOT to be in the screenplay business. They're forking out a lot at universities and seminars, just to go against their instructor's good advice. I read that the bulk just believe it takes making contacts and landing their script in the "right" hands. My mentor says that's not the truth. Many can't handle the truth.
(beat)
Lucky me!

DOPPEL-SCRIPTER

EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

Brian sits with his FEET PROPPED on the COFFEE TABLE.
Caesar the dog RUNS back and forth, ANTICIPATING the coming game of HALF FETCH.

BRIAN (V.O.)
Wait a minute, buddy, have to make this blog entry first.
(beat)
My concept for the script has come to a fork in the road. I could go either way and still maintain passion for the story. Both directions would be equally good, I could flip a coin and still figure I have the same chances of selling this screenplay.
(beat)
This wasn't the original plan, to have two options. Now that I'm there I want to make the "right" choice.

INT. BLOG READER#1 OFFICE - DAY

Blog Reader #1 seems DELIGHTED that Brian is TEETERING between TWO CONCEPTS.

BLOG READER #1
(laughing)
See, kid, that's where you're missing the knowledge! If you had laid this all out on notecards you wouldn't be at this fork!

BRIAN (O.S.)
I laid it out on my computer.

BLOG READER #1
Haha, REAL SCREENWRITERS pitch a concept on notecards!

BRIAN (O.S.)
(calmly)
I'm not in the "pitch" phase yet.

BLOG READER #1
And you never will be, without NOTECARDS!

BRIAN (O.S.)
I'm being "green", why waste the paper?

BLOG READER #1
You're GREEN alright kid, and you'll never see a GREEN LIGHT!

EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

BRIAN (V.O.)
Back to my fork in the road, green lights flickering at both ends, in my opinion.
(beat)
This happened because, as I continued to write, I got to know the characters better. It started out as a sort of, forgive my lack of any vernacular, a "comedy-drama". It evolved into more of a "drama-comedy" because of the depth my characters gained.
(beat)
The "com-dram" deal is pretty funny, and not cliche' at all. The characters are fairly shallow, except for the lead. This keeps it moving, you side with the main character who has to deal with a lot of dimwits.
(beat)
The "dram-com" is funny, yet deep. I can almost guarantee that anyone with a sympathetic bone in their body, upon reading this script, will cry at least twice. In a good way, but there will be tears, excluding those of a certain BLOG READER, that is.
(beat)
Because of the impending showers, I would have to cut these scenes if I will go the "com-dram" route, in order to avoid the "sitcom gone sad" syndrome that I so dearly despise.
(beat)
And, there's a possibility that the producers will turn it into a "sitcom gone sad" anyway, imagine.

INT. PRODUCTION CO. MEETING - DAY

With Brian's "com-dram" SPEC SCRIPT secured, the EXECUTIVES decide to TINKER with it.

EXECUTIVE #1
This is good stuff, Brian, I laughed my ass off reading it.

BRIAN
Thanks!

PRODUCER
(skeptical)
Good alright, but lacking a certain something.

EXECUTIVE #1
(looks at PRODUCER)
You mean the part where it goes "sad", right?

PRODUCER
Right!! Brian, we need you to flesh out the character, give us some scenes that will make a grown man cry.

BRIAN
Well, er, ugh, I do have a complete rewrite on hand that already incorporates things like that, but I thought it was a bit sappy.

EXECUTIVE #1
WHAT??

BRIAN
Umm, did I say something wrong?

PRODUCER
You have TWO scripts, different versions, SAME STORY?

BRIAN
Mm, yes, I didn't mean anything by...

EXECUTIVE #1
Lemme see it.

The executive quickly pages through the SECOND SCRIPT.

EXECUTIVE #1
(looking at Producer)
You know what we've got here?

BRIAN
(a lawsuit??)

PRODUCER
Yep. TWO FILMS!!!

EXECUTIVE #1
Bullard, congratulations, I think you've just sold your second script!!

BRIAN
(mystified)
But sir, it's generally the same story.

EXECUTIVE #1
Not after we change the character names on one of them!!

BRIAN
You can do that?

PRODUCER
This is HOLLYWOOD, kid, we can do ANYTHING!

FADE OUT

GETTING HOOKED

EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

We see Brian BENT OVER the aged LAPTOP.
It SILENT, except for the repetitive SOUNDS of SINGING BIRDS.
It's a SYMPHONY of NATURE.
The BIRD SONGS have CATCHY HOOKS.

BRIAN (V.O.)
Which leads me into thinking about the "hook" of things. When I first heard the term, in music, I wondered who decided to change "chorus" to "hook". It irritates me when people decide to rename something when it's already been invented. Take "crunches", in exercising. A "crunch" is basically a "sit-up". Of course, there could be debate over different muscles being worked, positioning, et cetera. I don't care what it's named, it hurts! What were they thinking?

INT. GYM - DAY

TITLE OVER:

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA, 1988

A group of TWENTY people WORK-OUT in TIGHT LEOTARDS.
The "WHITESNAKE" song, "Here I Go Again", blares from a BOOMBOX.
On their BACKS, they PAUSE for the next command from the INSTRUCTOR.

INSTRUCTOR
(exuberantly)
...and that's how you do it, we call it "crunches"!

FLASHDANCE-LOOKING CHICK
(questioning)
Doesn't he mean "sit-ups"?

TAWNY KITAEN-LOOKING CHICK
(cynically))
He renamed sit-ups, how ORIGINAL.

FLASHDANCE-LOOKING CHICK
Maybe they'll hurt less?

TAWNY KITAEN-LOOKING CHICK
Like calling it "Pilates" instead of Yoga?

FLASHDANCE-LOOKING CHICK
What's PILATES?

TAWNY KITAEN-LOOKING CHICK
Yoga, but wait twenty years and they'll be calling it Pilates!

EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

BRIAN (V.O.)
And that's how sit-ups became crunches.
(beat)
Now with the "hook", versus "chorus", I have to give in. Webster's online defines it as "a device especially in music or writing that catches the attention". Kudos to whoever thought of that. I know the effect works in music, it's like a form of brainwashing. They take some words or sound and drill it into my head, next thing I'm like a zombie, repeating those words or sounds.
(beat)
If I want to hear this echoed, I just hum or sing the hook in the presence of my lovely wife. In less than five minutes I can hear it coming from her, works everytime, guaranteed.
(beat)
Currently, my most popular audible, subversive little ditty is "SHOW ME WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR" by the band "CAROLINA LIAR". They should be given an award for "Brainwashing Hook of the Year", because I can't get that thing off my mind.

BRIAN
(singing)
Show me what I'm look-in' FOR-OR!

BRIAN (V.O.)
Apparently I'm not the only one affected by this. It seems to also have been embedded in many a producer's head. It's on T.V. all the time. It's been used for Overstock.com, A & E's "Obsessed", the 2009 MLB All-Star Game, Post Grad, The Time Traveler's Wife, The T.O. Show, Army Wives, and WarioWare Inc.
(beat)
And I swear it was used on "The Hills" or "The City", but it's not cited.

Brian WONDERS if "The CITY" will RETURN.

BRIAN (V.O.)
In any case, I need to have a good hook in my script. Maybe I do, I'm not yet sure how it pertains to writing. For that I will have to check in with mentor Terri.
(beat)
I need something that is just as infectuous as the "S.M.W.I.L.F." hook, I want producers and directors repeating my hook to themselves, their wives, friends, agents, you name it.
(beat)
If I can create that hook, and then rename something that's already been invented, like they did with "crunches", it might be a sure way to sell my script.

Brian STARES off, thinking of a way to FINISH the BLOG ENTRY.

BRIAN
(singing)
Show me what I'm look-in' FOR-OR!

FADE OUT

ALL'S WELL, THAT ENDS WELL

EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

It's a WET morning in the SOUTH.
Small, silvery DROPS of DEW dangle from a drooping DOGWOOD tree.
The LAWN is a lush GREEN, moisture accelerating the GROWTH of CRABGRASS.

BRIAN (V.O.)
I've been learning about endings, as in the end of a film. There are a lot of different philosophies on how to "properly" end a film, apparently the europeans throw every reasonable method out the window. The "problem film", as most euros refer to it, is supposed to make you think long after the film. It makes a lot of people think alright, think that they will never sit through another european film!
(beat)
But I do love the concept, I don't mind an "unfinished" ending. In the fine arts we say "leave blank space in the painting, it gives the viewer's eye a chance to rest". Fill everything with detail and perfection, expected endings, and there's no peace, no room for imagination or rest.

INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY

WE see a young Brian DRAWING on a large SHEET of PAPER in ART CLASS.
There is an OUTLINE of a small CASTLE in the upper left CORNER of the SHEET.
The REST of the PAPER is left BLANK, with a few GRAPHITE SMUDGES.

WEIRD MALE ART TEACHER
(whiny)
That's a neat start, Brian, now what are you going to put here?

The teacher WAVES his hand over the BLANK SPACE.

BRIAN
(quietly)
Nothing.

WEIRD MALE ART TEACHER
(encouraging)
How about a lake, or a stream, or maybe a KNIGHT with a SWORD?

Brian
(enlightening)
Hmm, actually, it's finished. I like it.

WEIRD MALE ART TEACHER
(stunned)
Umm, okay, looks like you started something and didn't finish. The smudges, what do they represent?

BRIAN
(pleased)
Your thoughts.

WEIRD MALE TEACHER
(dummified)
-?

BRIAN
(explaining)
See, it works, I made you think, I want the viewer to use their imagination. If I fill the space it's just going to be another drawing with a lake and a knight.

WEIRD MALE TEACHER
(agitated)
Okay, Brian, in order for me to grade this you have to at least TELL ME what the smudges are, I can't grade imaginary test answers, nor imaginary art.
(beat)
So what do the smudges represent?

BRIAN
(matter of factly)
Crabgrass!!

INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

A city UTILITY TRUCK speeds by.
Brian is wondering if the POWER will soon GO OUT?
He TYPES faster, knowing the BATTERY of the LAPTOP is LOW.

BRIAN (V.O.)
I don't think I'll be applying the "unfinished" effect to my script. Not because I think the audience is uncapable of thinking on their own, but because I learned that the ending to a movie is the reward for sitting through it. It's like a treat, and I don't want to starve the viewers or critics.
(beat)
I'm going to make the entire film enjoyable, not just the ending. I once read, on a poster, that life is about the "happiness of pursuit", not vice versa. Right now my focus is on making that an interesting race.

EXT. RACETRACK GRANDSTAND - DAY

ANNOUNCER
(enthusiastic)
They're out of the gates, "CRITIC'S CHOICE" in the lead, "SCRIPTWRITER" back by three lengths, followed by the rest of the pack...

CUT TO:
LAST TURN

ANNOUNCER
(ecstatic)
...and "SCRIPTWRITER" has taken the lead! The longshot's GONNA WIN IT!
FINAL STRETCH, "SCRIPTWRITER" going to the line,,,uh, what's that?
THERE IS NO FINISH LINE, FOLKS! It's and UNFINISHED ENDING!!

CROWD
(pissed)
BOOOOO!!!

FADE OUT

NOTE: The writer of this script does not support the brutal bloodsport of horse-racing. To find out more, please visit the PETA fact sheet at this LINK.

SITCOMS GONE SAD

EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

ANGLE on MAUS the CAT, who is doing UPSIDE-DOWN-HEAD on a WICKER chair.
CAESAR the DOG rests with his NOSE against the protective SCREEN, looking out onto the YARD.
We see a large BUMBLEBEE floating ERRATICALLY to the MESH, bumping it.
THANK GOD for the SCREEN.

BRIAN (V.O.)
I'm feeling pretty serious, that's a good thing. It means I've learned a lot already, mostly by reading the posts from my few mentors. I stayed up late last night, wine glass in hand, reading some of the most compelling things possibly ever written about the screenwriting industry. And like any good film, I'm not going to bog you down with too much "serious" writing. My "high concept" is to keep you laughing at me while I fumble along on this journey.
(beat)
I'm not going to stick you with a "sit-com gone sad" blog.
(beat)
One of the most irritating things about a movie can be the "SITCOMS go SAD" syndrome, me and my lovely wife can't stand that. Like "WEDDING CRASHERS", which was funny in the first two acts, but by round three we wanted to jump into the screen and give OWEN WILSON a "funny intervention". No fault of his; maybe the writer, producer, director, and a reception party full of industry personnel exercised their option to screw it up. But Owen agreed to it, he spoke the sad lines, he tried sucking us into a honeymoon of melancholic crap!
(beat)
In an analogy, it's like someone building up what seems to be a great joke, then smothering the punchline with a bunch of schmaltz.

INT. BAR - NIGHT

We see a CROWD at the BAR.
EVERYONE is INTRIGUED by the BARTENDER, he commands ATTENTION.
It's TOM CRUISE in a black VEST, gleefully JUGGLING vodka BOTTLES, and telling a JOKE to the crowd.

CRUISE
(delivers punchline)
...and she says, "THAT'S why it's called a whiskey SOUR!!".

CROWD
(cracking up)
HAAAAAAA!

YUPPIE DRINKER #1
(kissing ass)
Hehe, that was a GREAT ONE, TOMMY! Tell us another!!

CRUISE
(seriously)
Okay now, pay close attention here, attention...
(beat)
An old guy walks into a pharmacy, a pharmacy, to get his PRESCRIPTION...

The CROWD leans in, all SMILING, knowing this will be good.

CRUISE
A sexy young blonde, in front of him, asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms...CONDOMS.
(beat)
She makes the purchase, turns around, and the old guy notices she's his DOCTOR.
(beat)
"Oh, hi Mr. Jones" she says, and turns all RED.
And he says, "Hi doc, just getting my heart meds!".
"This is embarrassing", she replies..
And the old guy says, "Oh, don't be embarrassed, I've bought condoms before".
She replies, "No, embarrassing that you're waiting on heart meds...HEART MEDS".
"Why is that?" he asks, and she says...

CRUISE has a wide GRIN.
The CROWD anticipates the PUNCHLINE.

CRUISE
(laughing)
You won't be needing those, you've got terminal CANCER!!

It's SILENT, the CROWD is MOTIONLESS.
CRUISE is giving us the widest shot of his PEARLY WHITES.
He COCKS his HEAD to the side, with a big GRIN.

CRUISE
(smiling whisper)
Cancer!

The CROWD slowly leaves their BARSTOOLS

CHICK #1
(sighing)
Oh man.

CRUISE
(pleading)
HEY! STICK AROUND, I got another one, a GOOD one, a BETTER one!
GUYS???

BULLARD
(sympathetically still sitting there)
Okay Tom, make it another.

INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

BRIAN (V.O.)
That's pretty much how I felt during "Wedding Crashers", dumb enough to sit it out. I gave them a chance to redeem it. Didn't happen.
(beat)
If I ever meet Tom Cruise I hope he has good jokes. If not that, at least a few good stories about the industry.
(beat)
And some secret tips on how to juggle vodka bottles!