RACHEL ZOE PROJECT

INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

We see Brian on his first official day back at the "office", revived from vacation. He sports a black PETA T-shirt, a white outline of a rabbit on the front, and faded jeans.

BRIAN (V.O.)
Yes, you read that right, jeans, we're finally enjoying a cool front in sweltering South Carolina. It's quite refreshing: a cool breeze, lightly overcast sky, moisture on the ground. A change in season and temperature is like starting a fresh, new page in a script.

We watched the first episode of the "Rachel Zoe Project" last night. If you're not familiar, she's a stylist for some notable stars, ANNE HATHAWAY being one of them. The one hour series, which should be more like thirty minutes, covers the tension between Rachel and her assistants and last minute finds and scheduling.

The way the show is shot, it's as if they want to make you believe that poor Anne is one hour away from being on the red carpet, waiting in her underwear for Rachel to appear, with hopefully the best red carpet dress instead of a potato sack (which she could pull off just as well).

We tune in for the shopping and fashion. We would like to see more of that, and the stars, but the show always limits the latter to the last minute of Rachel and her assistants watching the stars on T.V., like we all do at home, evoking self-praise, which we seldom do at home.

INT. STUDIO - SUNSET

Rachel sits on a couch in front of the T.V., looking emaciated. She needs a sandwich. Assistant Brad walks in at the last minute, the red carpet for the Golden Globes is streaming from the tube.

RACHEL
(excitedly)
C'mon Bra-ad, it's just starting!

Brad cozies up on the couch with Rachel.We see a shot of Anne Hathaway in the outfit and jewelry they picked.

RACHEL
(frog-like tone)
She KIIILLLLLEDD ITTTT. RIBBIT!

INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

Brian shakes his head.

BRIAN (V.O.)
That was the moment I waited fifty-nine minutes for?? Christ!
(beat)
Okay, to be clear, and fair, nothing against Rachel, she is good at what she does, has extraordinary taste and buying, or loaning power. I wish she would eat something someday, but that's her business.

What I would like to see is a better script, better production, a show that is not designed around the insubordination of her blonde assistant, which bores me. Worse yet, it is like listening to screeching nails on the blackboard, I was downing red wine just to stand it.

And the fake phone calls, c'mon! That reality show trick is getting old, you're not even using a filtered voice on the other end of the line! Watch this, folks:

INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

Brian picks up his cell phone, as if he just received a call.

BRIAN
(professional)
Brian Bullard speaking.

ANNE HATHAWAY
(filtered)
Hey Brian, just wondering if you guys liked my outfit shown last night?

BRIAN
It was splendid, Anne, Rachel did a fantastic job as usual.

ANNE HATHAWAY
(filtered)
Good, because I'm sending it to your lovely wife!

BRIAN
Oh Anne, thanks so much, what a gesture!

ANNE HATHAWAY
(filtered)
I thought she might want to wear it when you receive your Nicholl Award?

BRIAN
Okay, now I KNOW this is a fake call!

INT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

Maus the cat is sitting on her wicker chair. She hikes her leg up and does a cat pedicure, cleaning her paw.

BRIAN (V.O.)
See, that's how you make a fake call interesting. So let's see more of that, and some star interviews, more shopping, and something really wild, like Rachel at a restaurant, actually eating food.

FADE OUT