UNDERWATER

EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

A TAPPING sound BREAKS the silence.
It's Brian at the KEYBOARD, speedily knocking out the BLOG. With an AUDIENCE of CRABGRASS seed heads, he RACES against time...and NATURE.

BRIAN (V.O.)
Whilst googling for screenwriters on my phone last night, I came upon a site, which I will not name, that purported to be the best screenwriting publication for screenwriters.
(beat)
It was filled with inspiring quotes from many successful scribes, giving tips in bold print. Seeing all those names and the works they've produced made me realize how many screenwriters there are, which is one helluva lot.
(beat)
I scrolled down, sucking in the advice, then came along a soul which had only one credit to his name: "Waterworld".
(beat)
I know what you're thinking.
(beat)
Hey, I liked Waterworld, I don't expect much from those types of films because of the action, in fact, all I expect is action. I've never seen a bad James Bond film because I never expect anything, so whatever comes is a good surprise.
(beat)
I've heard a lot of criticism and reference, bad reference, to Waterworld. It's unfair, so I automatically feel sorry for this guy. Imagine when he was trying to get listed on this site, when they asked what his credentials were.

INT. SCREENWRITING GROUP OFFICE - DAY

WRITER #1
(laughing)
He said his only credit is WATERWORLD!

WRITER #2
He admitted to writing it?

WRITER #1
At least he's honest, I would've lied and said GIGLI!!!

EXT. SCREENED PORCH - MORNING

Fortunately, most writer's aren't so mean-spirited like that, they've all suffered at the hands of executives, producers, and directors who took liberties with their script. Do you really believe that the writer from "Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot", actually wrote what appeared on film? To save face, Sylvester Stallone berated the script.
(beat)
So, if it's any concession, I'll give the Waterworld screenwriter a well-deserved link.

PETER RADER