CINERGY: MY HERO!

INT. SCREENED PORCH - LATE MORNING

BRIAN hunches over his LAPTOP.
The DRONING of the neighbor's LAWNMOWER fills the air.
He EYES long blades of CRABGRASS, just beyond the confines of the PORCH, SEED heads WAVING to him.

BRIAN (V.O.)
It's been an exciting week, as I just discovered the art of screenwriting. With my trusty P.C. and the internet, I've been exposed to a wealth of information.
(beat)
Thanks to the site WORDPLAYER.COM, I learned some of the vernacular, like V.O., which means voice-over. Or "filtered" as a parenthetical, which is a description of mood, sound, or short bits of action, right under the character's name.

BRIAN (V.O.)
(filtered)
This is how I sound over the telephone, on the radio, through a bullhorn. I love this effect in music, I saw Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots use it in concert, at the beginning of the song "Dead and Bloated". He had a short bullhorn, holding it up to the mike he spouted the opening lines," I-AM, SMELLIN'-LIKE-A-ROSE-THAT-SOME-BODY-GAVE-ME...". So simple, yet amazing, it's gripping.
(beat)
I could easily describe all the songs on the "CORE" CD, also known among hoosiers and enthusiasts as "the PLUSH album". I've had the same CD in my mini-van since the year 2000. Why? Because it's familiar, I know all the words and sounds, it's motivating, I love it. Plus the fact that I don't buy CD's anymore. I refuse to borrow from my lovely wife's collection because I treat CD's like crap, I never clean them or put them back in their case, let alone return them to that big, finely organized drawer she keeps them in.

BRIAN (V.O.)
Oh shit, I just noticed I said all of that in a "filtered" mode, sorry! I hope your ears aren't ringing.

Brian stretches, looking down at MAUS, the white cat. She is GUARDING the doorway to the HOUSE INTERIOR, SPHINX style.

BRIAN (V.O.)
(filtered)
-

BRIAN (V.O.)
Just kidding, no more filter!
(beat)
Anyway, in my journey into screenwriting, one of the biggest fears was formatting a screenplay. As I read deeper into the blogs of my trusted mentors, I found that the wrong format can shitcan any script, let alone a good one!
(beat)
I can do HTML, my stepmother even once trained me to do algebra. And though I had no idea what I was doing, I could write those x's and y's with parentheses and get a perfect grade. Weird. But TAB, and MARGINS? Are you kidding? That scares the living shit out of me, then you tell me that lack of the proper format will land my script in a far-off recycling bin? Scary.

INT. BLOG READER #1 OFFICE - DAY

BLOG READER #1
(cynically)
Haha! See kid? Screenwriting isn't for the NOVICE! This dumbass is probably still trying to find out how to indent a WORDPAD document!

BRIAN (V.O.)
(relieved)
Then I found CINERGY!

BLOG READER #1
(questioning)
CINERGY??

BRIAN (V.O.)
Yep, one easy free download and Cinergy solved all of my problems. It's my dream and the professional's nightmare, because this little gem does all that crap that I am scared of, namely dealing with TABS and MARGINS and all. Yeah!

BLOG READER #1
(disdain)
No program is going to help this kid write the perfect script. Who invents this stuff anyway, like ANYONE could become a SCREENWRITER!

BRIAN (V.O.)
(confidently)
They CAN!

BLOG READER #1
(startled)
HUH? What was that??

BRIAN (V.O.)
Me, numbnuts, just keep reading, I'll tell you about the Holy Grail of scripting that I found.

INT. SCREENED PORCH - LATE MORNING

A EUPHORIC jazz guitar riff OOZES out of the interior's TV SPEAKERS.

BRIAN (V.O.)
Now back to my little utopian gem that is called CINERGY. After arming myself with tidbits of advice from TERRI ROSSIO at WORDPLAYER, I went to MINDSTARPRODS.COM for the download. It went quick, and soon I was doing an edit>copy>paste from a notepad doc where I was working on my unformatted script.
(beat)
Not that easy, unfortunately, because my lack of format translated to a lot of "forced blank lines" in Cinergy.

BLOG READER #1 (V.O.)
(matter of factly)
Told you so, kid.

BRIAN (V.O.)
But, as a professional SHOULD know, the tenacity of a novice is something to behold. Through a tedious process of using the BACKSPACE, I omitted these unneeded, empty lines.

INT. BLOG READER #2 DEN - DAY

BLOG READER #2
(smiling)
That's the way man, don't give up.

BRIAN (V.O.)
I won't, thank you.
(beat)
So I would have to claim CINERGY as my biggest success this week. That, and the fact that we finally found a vacation rental on the Charleston coast that will let us bring ALL FOUR PETS! I have more than ten pages of formatted script, and a one-week rental with my lovely wife and "kids".

INT. SCREENED PORCH - LATE MORNING

Brian leans back, STARES into the blue South Carolina SKY, and RELISHES the THOUGHT of writing at the OCEAN, just like a REAL SCREENWRITER!

BRIAN (V.O.)
I can do this, I really can, folks. Please stay tuned.