WELCOME TO THE CRABGRASS JUNGLE

INT. SCREENED PORCH - SUNRISE

Streams of SUNLIGHT pass through the SCREENED BEAMS, two CATS rest on WICKER furniture, a DOG patrols the painted cement floor.

We see BRIAN BULLARD bent over a DELL laptop, cigarette in mouth.
He's BAREFOOT, in SHORTS covered with CAT HAIR, his red locks in BEDHEAD fashion.

SMOOTH JAZZ streams from the TV indoors.

BRIAN (V.O.)
(calmly)
I hope this scene looks like a professional writer at work, because it certainly is not. The only thing I know about writers is what I scoured from the internet. I've seen few films, read few books, I probably can't name five contemporary screenwriters on one hand. Let's give that a try:

BRIAN
(counts with fingers)
One, Cody Diablo, learned about her online yesterday.
Two, Patricia Burroughs, found her on the web as well.
Three, umm... who's that pretty english lady who wrote the Harry Potter stuff? Damn, tip of my tongue.

BRIAN wrinkles his forehead in thought, he is DISMAYED that he will have to do another INTERNET search to find the name of the AUTHOR, who is actually NOT a SCREENWRITER.

BRIAN (V.O.)
(reassured)
I'm confident that the less I know, the better, at least for now. I definitely lower my risks of plagiarizing anyone. I mean, the last thing I think I should do is pore through a stack of successful scripts looking for a secret recipe, or? Although I couldn't help myself when I found the "JUNO" script posted online at SCRIBD.COM

(beat)
BRIAN exhales and flexes his CHEST forward, grimacing. We can hear internal POPPING sounds in his VERTEBRAE.

BRIAN (V.O.)
Ahh, JUNO, now that's an indulgent read, I had to unlink it from my favorites so I could finally get some work done. More on that script later.

(beat)
Yes, I'm an amateur, for now at least. Here I am putting it all out there, starting with the truth. I'm virtually popping my screenwriting cherry before you. It's just like a GOOD first time, the one you had imagined. It's sweet, innocent, exciting, naive.

BRIAN shakes his head, knowing that most people do not ENJOY their first EXPERIENCE. He blocks out thoughts of how this could be PAINFUL.

BRIAN (V.O.)
So far I think I have what it takes: a reasonable command of the english (and german) language, a passion, and plenty of time on my hands, that probably being most important. Let's face it, you can be the potentially best writer in the world, but if you have a full-time job, five kids, and one and a half acres of crabgrass to maintain, you're going nowhere. I only have the latter: more than an acre of rolling hills covered with crabgrass. Thank god for riding mowers.

BRIAN PEERS out at the dew-covered LAWN, SURVEYING its HEIGHT. It's due for MOWING, yet again.

BRIAN (V.O.)
Along with my small skillset, passion, and plenty of time, I have experiences. It is said that everyone has a book in them. I really don't take much stock in that saying. I do however believe that I have unique experiences, more than just those women who would talk about their dating escapades and tell me "I could write a book about this". C'mon, you and every other woman that ever dated, that would make for a lot of dating books, which there are, I guess.
(beat)
I'm not going to bore you with dating escapades.

BRIAN checks the TIME on his LAPTOP. Eight-thirty A.M., even. Being part O.C.D., this makes him feel good. It's a ritualistic SIGN of order and PROGRESS.

He SAVES the FILE.

BRIAN (V.O.)
About myself: I just turned forty-three the other day, a six-foot tall, white male descendant of the ancient Pict tribe, as witnessed by my red hair and pale skin. I'm married to a beautiful, educated woman who works in the corporate world. No kids, three cats, and a one year-old labrador-ridgeback mix rescue.

(beat)
We moved here, to South Carolina, one year ago, from St. Louis, Missouri. There I owned a national level, private school for the decorative arts. I trained, mostly women in their forties, the fundamental skills of decorative artistry and coached them in establishing their own small business. Since the year 2000 the Decorative Arts Center has been a great success, but we were impacted by the economy in recent years. We rely on students having $1500 in expendable cash to attend class; a hard find nowadays.

BRIAN cracks his back again, turns to view NATALIE, the third CAT, gingerly creeping onto the PORCH. The DOG, CAESAR, notices her movement and TROTS after her, forcing her hasty EXODUS.

BRIAN (V.O.)
Since then, my primary duty is my FAKE JOB as I call it: landscaping, renovating, taking care of the pets, cooking; I'm apt to all forms of domestication. I call it a fake job because there is no paycheck, but don't get me wrong, my lovely wife has been rather gracious and supportive while I try to get back on my feet again.
(beat)
And the best thing is that she believes me when I say I can make money as a screenwriter. There IS a good woman behind every successful man.

BRIAN leans back, grabs his LEFT ANKLE, PULLS back slowly, and a POP eminates from his KNEE. He inquisitively does the same with his RIGHT LEG and gets the same resulting POP.

BRIAN (V.O.)
So that's me, in a nutshell. As for my many unique experiences, which I believe at least partly qualify me to be a screenwriter, these will be divulged in my future posts...
(beat)
and hopefully scripts!